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Don't Take the Bait to Escalate: Conflict Is Inevitable. Being a Jerk Is Optional.

Don't Take the Bait to Escalate: Conflict Is Inevitable. Being a Jerk Is Optional.

by Jay Payleitner
Don't Take the Bait to Escalate: Conflict Is Inevitable. Being a Jerk Is Optional.

Don't Take the Bait to Escalate: Conflict Is Inevitable. Being a Jerk Is Optional.

by Jay Payleitner


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Turn conflict in your favor.

The Bible tells us that as far as it depends on us, we’re to be at peace with all people. But what happens when conflict is unavoidable?

Here’s some good news: There are sociologically sound ways to deescalate conflict and win negotiations without acting like a jerk.

Even better, you can actually emerge from conflicts with a stronger relationship with the person who was your adversary—whether it’s on the job, with your neighbor, in your marriage, or in a dark parking lot.

When it comes to your current (or next) conflict, remember that resolution starts with de-escalation. This book will show you:

• Four factors you must not overlook
• Three mistakes you must not make
• Fourteen conflict-resolution skills you can quickly master, and
• Thirteen easy-to-use tactics and tricks

When facing conflict, you don’t have to choose between running away and an ugly confrontation. This book offers you a winning game plan. You’ll handle conflicts with faith and confidence—and perhaps even a touch of eagerness. Loving your enemy starts here.

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781684511877
Publisher: Salem Books
Publication date: 03/15/2022
Pages: 176
Sales rank: 703,232
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

After a decade writing ads for airlines and beer, Jay Payleitner became a freelance radio producer for Chuck Colson, Josh McDowell,, the Heritage Foundation, and Voice of the Martyrs. Now a national speaker and the author of more than twenty-five books that have sold half a million copies, Jay lives with his wife, Rita, in St. Charles, Illinois, where they raised five kids and loved on ten foster babies. Learn more at

Table of Contents

Introduction: Conflict in Life is Inevitable xvii

No Two Conflicts are Alike xviii

Conflict Aftermath xx

Chapter 1 The Conflict Conundrum 1

The Source of Conflict 3

Questions Worth Asking 4

Let's Use the Term "Adversary" 6

Chapter 2 The Four Factors 9

Factor #1 Decide What You Really Want 10

Factor #2 Know the Risks 13

Factor #3 Empathize With Your Adversary 15

Factor #4 Expect the Win 19

Applying The Four Factors 22

Chapter 3 The Three Mistakes 23

Mistake #1 Casting Blame 23

Mistake #2 Making a Snap Decision 25

Mistake #3 Insisting on a Compromise 26

Chapter 4 The Two Choices 29

To Escalate 29

To De-Escalate 30

Chapter 5 Case Studies in Conflict 33

Buy Two Jars of Peanut Butter: 35

Imagine an easy answer to conflict

Honor the Chain Of Command: 38

Conflict within an organizational chart

Be Ready to Walk Away: 43

Eliminate car-buying conflicts

Value Relationship over the Dispute: 47

When friends are in conflict

Trust the Larger Promise: 51

A lesson in conflict management from Abraham

Systematic Diplomacy: 57

High-stakes conflicts in union negotiations

Hit Bottom Together: 62

Marriage conflicts can lead to marriage milestones

Sidestep Quibbles: 68

How to avoid most minor relational conflicts

Accept the Possibility of the Worst-Case Scenario: 72

How confidence overcomes conflict

Be a Calm, Heroic Mentor: 76

Cover conflicts with empathy and grace

Say, "I Need Your Help": 81

Don't assume conflict

Admit When You're Wrong: 84

When conflict conies full circle

The Bridezilla Exception: 88

One-time allowances for irregular conflicts

Draw in the Sand: 93

Bring calm to the conflict

Heed Advice from the Kid Next Door: 97

Healing conflicts from years past

Earn the Right to Say What Needs to be Said: 102

Conflicts with your teenager

Imagine How God Will Use You: 107

Conflict as training from a hero's perspective

Escape the Echo Chamber: 111

Seek conflict to be your best self

The Instant Sincere Apology: 115

Curtail conflict on the spot

Reach for a New Level of Excellence: 118

Embrace conflict as motivation

The Church Divided: 122

Speak truth into, any conflict with eternal implications

The Sports Conflict Paradox: 127

Reversing positive and negative conflict

Chapter 6 Skills to Build 133

Active Listening: 134

First rule of conflict

Use Encouraging Language: 136

Words add to or subtract from conflict

Watch Your Tone and Body Language: 138

Conflict beyond words

Apply Humor: 140

Conflict can't stand up to laughter

Give Kids a Break: 143

Conflict as a learning tool

Shine Light in the Shadows: 145

Bring the conflict out into the open

Match Their Emotions: 146

Get on the same side of any conflict

Don't Just Paint Over It: 148

Kill the conflict for keeps

Recognize the Barriers to Reconciliation: 149

Discern your own part in the conflict

One-On-One Reconciliation: 152

When sin puts you in conflict with another believer

Skip Revenge: 154

Respond to conflict with kindness

Terminate Toxicity: 155

When conflict is part of their DNA

Know Thine Enemy: 157

Championing conflict

Chapter 7 Tactics and Tricks 161

Call in a Favor 162

Play Hardball 163

Pass the Buck 163

Make the First Offer 164

Ask a Favor 165

Interrupt the Pattern 165

Tit for Tat 167

Kill Your Darlings 167

Change Minds via Social Media 168

Speak Last 169

Avoid the Quick Correction 170

Yield Unexpectedly 171

Be Human 172

Chapter 8 A Way of Life 173

On Being First 174

On Choosing Conflict 178

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