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"Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility

by Ramani S. Durvasula, Ph.D

"Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility

by Ramani S. Durvasula, Ph.D


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It’s time to take our lives back from a world of narcissism, entitlement, and toxic relationships.

“Don’t You Know Who I Am?” has become the mantra of the famous and infamous, the entitled and the insecure. It’s the tagline of the modern narcissist.

Health and wellness campaigns preach avoidance of unhealthy foods, sedentary lifestyles, tobacco, drugs, and alcohol, but rarely preach avoidance of unhealthy, difficult or toxic people. Yet the health benefits of removing toxic people from your life may have far greater benefits to both physical and psychological health. We need to learn to be better gatekeepers for our minds, bodies, and souls.

Narcissism, entitlement, and incivility have become the new world order, and we are all in trouble. They are not only normalized but also increasingly incentivized. They are manifestations of pathological insecurity—insecurities that are experienced at both the individual and societal level. The paradox is that we value these patterns. We venerate them through social media, mainstream media, and consumerism, and they are endemic in political, corporate, academic, and media leaders.

There are few lives untouched by narcissists. These relationships infect those who are in them with self-doubt, despair, confusion, anxiety, depression, and the chronic feeling of being “not enough,” all of which make it so difficult to step away and set boundaries. The illusion of hope and the fantasy of redemption can result in years of second chances, and despondency when change never comes.

It’s time for a wake-up call. It’s time to stem the tide of narcissism, entitlement, and antagonism, and take our lives back.

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781642933574
Publisher: Post Hill Press
Publication date: 03/02/2021
Pages: 400
Sales rank: 94,456
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist and Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles. Dr. Durvasula completed her doctorate in clinical psychology at UCLA. She was awarded the Emerging Scholar Award by the American Association of University Women in 2003. In 2012, she was the recipient of the Outstanding Professor Award from California State University Los Angeles in recognition of her record of teaching, scholarship, mentorship, and university service. In addition, she is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, CA. Her work and expert opinion have been cited in The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, Marie Claire, Glamour, Maxim, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, Shape, the Los Angeles Times, Self, The Guardian, More, Redbook, Allure, and various internet media. Dr. Durvasula is an expert contributor to Sharecare, WebMD, and a member of Dr. Oz’s Advisory Board, as well as the Advisory Board of the Ganley Foundation. Her previous books include You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life and Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist.

Table of Contents

Introduction xi

What Does "Toxic" Mean? xv

Why You Should Care xviii

The Genie Is Out of the Bottle xx

Who Was Your First Narcissist? xxii

How This Book Can Help You Navigate Toxic People and Relationships xxiii

Why 1 Wrote This Book xxvii

Part 1 The narcissistic roadmap: navigating the toxic potholes 1

Chapter 1 Narcissists, Jerks, and Tyrants: Is Being an "Asshole" a Diagnosis? 3

The Narcissist: The Insecure Tyrant 5

The Toxicity Paradox 6

Are Toxic People Happy? 8

What Is Narcissism? 9

Can a Narcissistic Personality Be Treated? 19

Chapter 2 The Anatomy of Narcissism and Interpersonal Toxicity 25

The Five Clusters of Narcissism 26

Chapter 3 What Flavor Is Your Narcissist? 86

The Grandiose "Classic" Narcissist 87

The Malignant Narcissist 88

The Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist 89

The Communal Narcissist 93

The Benign Narcissist 95

Entitled People 96

Which Subtype Is Your Narcissist? (Hint: The Thirty-One Traits Can Help) 100

Psychopath vs. Sociopath vs. Narcissist: A Toxic Continuum 101

Narcissistic Patterns in Other Disorders 106

Chapter 4 Toxic Universe: The Narcissistic World Order 108

WKy Do We Fall for Toxic People? 110

The Intoxication of Fame 114

The Toxic Playground: Social Media 115

Follow the Money 121

The Measure of Success 124

Toxic Masculinity 128

Education 130

Consumerism and Materialism 132

New Age Narcissism 134

What's Your Brand? 137

Chapter 5 How (Not) to Raise a Narcissist 139

A Framework for Understanding the Why of Narcissism 140

The Paradoxical Issue of Indulgence 151

Are We Stuck in a Generation of Parental Overcorrection? 154

The Child as Hyperconsumer 155

A Formula for Raising a Narcissist 157

Part 2 The toxic narcissists in your life 164

Chapter 6 The Narcissist in Your Bed 166

The Cautionary Tale 168

Transactional Narcissistic Relationships 171

Love Bombing: The Gateway to a Toxic Love Affair 172

Why Do We Stay? 174

We Know Better 175

The Toxic Toll on Your Health 177

The False Hopes That Keep Toxic Relationships Afloat 179

What Is Love? 182

The Mantra of the Narcissistic Relationship 185

Infidelity 187

Coparenting With a Narcissist 188

Domestic Violence 193

Takeaways: Toxic Partners 196

Chapter 7 The Narcissist Who Raised You 202

The Key Characteristics of a Narcissistic Parent 203

The Impacts a Narcissistic Parent Can Have on a Child 206

The Unstable Foundation Laid by a Narcissistic Parent 209

Can-or Should-You Maintain Contact as an Adult? 219

Does Having a Toxic Parent Affect Your Own Parenting? 221

The Other Parent 222

The Aftermath of Having a Narcissistic Parent 224

A Chip Off the Old Block 224

Takeaways: Toxic Parents 225

Chapter 8 The Narcissist at Work 229

The Tyrant's Appeal 231

#Everyonegetshurt by Toxic Leaders 234

Which Came First, the Narcissism or the Leader? 239

Moral Cleansing Theory: Why It Fails With Narcissistic Bosses 241

Your Narcissistic Coworkers 242

Why Did You Take the Job in the First Place? 244

It's Not Fair 246

Takeaways: Toxic Bosses and Colleagues 247

Chapter 9 The Other Narcissists in Your Life (Siblings, Friends, In-Laws) 254

Siblings 257

Takeaways: Toxic Siblings 260

Friends 261

Takeaways: Toxic Friends 265

In-Laws 266

Takeaways: Toxic In-Laws 268

The Toxic Person You Don't Know 268

Chapter 10 The Narcissist You Raised 271

Letting Go of Your Own Child: The Painful Journey 273

Protecting Your Health and Your Wealth 274

Guilt and Grief 275

Toxic Adolescence-It May Be Temporary 276

Takeaways: Toxic Children 278

Part 3 Staying sane in a narcissistic world 282

Chapter 11 A Simple Survival Guide 284

The Charlie Brown of It All 285

Closing the Gate 286

Chapter 12 The Big Picture 310

Our Habituation to Narcissism 311

The Well-Being Vortex 313

The Era of Incivility 316

Global Narcissism 323

Chapter 13 The Aftermath 326

"Narcissists' Rights" 327

The Danger Is Real 329

Can We Prevent It? 331

That's Just How They Are 333

"The Line" 334

Close the Floodgates 336

Pink Flags 337

Family Patterns 338

You Are Enough 339

Don't Expect Justice 340

The Crystal Ball 343

Chapter 14 The Modern Happily Ever After 346

Open the Gate for Good People 347

Celebrate Your Scars 348

A Global Neighborhood of Goodness and Love 349

Transitioning from Survival to Growth 349

New Beginnings 351

Bibliography 353

Acknowledgments 362

About the Author 367

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