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A NEW WORKPLACE
I don't want to generalize about a "typical" person or workplace. That would probably not help you a whole lot since there's tremendous diversity of experience with different companies and, for that matter, with different personality types. A successful company can be located in an old, unrenovated industrial space, where your multinational office mates go to work every day wearing ratty clothes and put their feet up on broken-down, rickety furniture. A successful company can just as easily operate in a sleek, ultra-finished urban office, where the only sound might seem to come from the stylish, ultra-polished shoes of busy, ultra-polished employees on expensive, ultra-plush carpets. Your coworkers might be ambitious or relaxed, bold or reserved, risk-taking or cautious, and everything in between.
For the purposes of familiarizing you with some of the terrain, I think we might be able to at least make some generalities about what many business leaders and companies strive to achieve. And the most general goal is to be successful.
Success, however, can mean different things to different leaders. And how those leaders aim to reach their goals can have a strong effect on the work environment. For example, one leader's fiercely competitive way of achieving success can pervade a corporate culture. If all employees buy into that way of working, success may be easier to attain.
A problem can arise when merging companies with very different cultures have a hard time getting Company A's employees to do things the way Company B has always done them. How does everyone achieve success together now?
What to Know about People at Work
Most people are reasonably friendly and receptive at work. Sure, grumpy, shy, inflexible, rude, nasty, and overall weird people find their ways into offices. Still, the openness many Americans display can perplex people who come from parts of the world where employees are expected to conform to more prescribed roles or more traditional social behaviors. It's not uncommon for managers in the US to ask about employees' spouses and kids, their hobbies and interests, and details about how they spent their weekends, because they have a genuine interest in knowing about others' lives outside of work. As long as the questions stay within reasonable professional bounds — meaning staying away from topics you don't consider too personal or uncomfortable — you'll likely find yourself chatting from time to time about things you do outside of work.
To help you start out right, keep in mind three types of people with common but challenging communication styles you may encounter at work: 1) people who are direct; 2) people who are passive; and 3) people who are passive-aggressive.
People Who Are Direct
In general, businesspeople try to accomplish a lot in a day, so they tend to like to get information quickly. People with a direct, fast-paced style may speak quickly, brashly, or candidly. They might send prompt replies to emails, approach you at your desk, and want tasks to be completed sooner than you might expect. It's not uncommon for impatient businesspeople to twirl their index fingers in a circle to signify "speed it up" if a story or message they're listening to is dragging on too long. If you're not familiar with these cues, you might not recognize someone else's impatience. (By the way, some say this behavior is "aggressive." I dislike that label because the underlying meaning connotes force and potential nastiness. And while there are people around who fit that description, I want to focus on the much more "direct" style in which people want everyone to get the point of something as quickly as possible.)
Coworkers who have a direct way of communicating may say things like:
· "Don't beat around the bush."
· "So what's the bottom line?"
· "Let's cut to the chase."
· "Net net."
· "At the end of the day ..."
· "Get to the point."
· "Just give me the headline."
All these expressions mean the same thing: "Quickly tell me what your main point, conclusion, or request is." And the subtext is, "Stop wasting my limited time with unnecessary details."
Many people unfamiliar with direct communicators have come to me in a panic. My primary advice is not to take impatience personally. In most cases, people who are being direct don't mean to be rude. If you learn how to take their directness at face value and respond appropriately, your interaction with them will be more effective, and you'll do better at work.
To best communicate with coworkers and supervisors who have direct styles, practice getting to the point more quickly. Your cultural background or brain's unique wiring may require you to work harder. Our minds work in a linear way: point 1, point 2, point 3; therefore, conclusion. Training yourself to bypass the points to get quickly to the conclusion takes practice. We'll discuss how to do this more in chapter 5, "The Right Way to Write."
Many non-Americans I've worked with have a very difficult time answering quick questions about what they're trying to tell or sell at work because their schooling emphasized presenting lots of background before getting to a conclusion. "Before I tell you what I need, let me go back to the history of the world and how we got there. Back in the Middle Ages ..."
In French schools, for example, students are taught from a very young age how to create an argument by formulating a thesis (la thèse), presenting a contrarian view with an antithesis (l'antithèse), and concluding with a synthesis (la synthèse). Since they learned this method early in life, many French businesspeople have had to adjust their thought process to present la synthèse up front, which requires them to be intentional in their approach and thinking. But they do it because that's how you interact successfully with people who have a direct communication style.
A Chinese client once told me she totally bombed at a presentation at a US financial firm because culturally she wasn't prepared with the kind of communication skills that would help her persuade a group of fast-paced US bankers. She said in China people would be considered rude if they tried to make a direct recommendation at the outset of a meeting. To illustrate this client's cultural context, she told me to imagine a drawing of a large spiral with a big dot in the middle and a loose end on the outside. In China the actual recommendation would be at the dot in the center, but you would never go there first, and maybe you would never even get there at all. Instead, she said, you would start speaking obliquely, as though you were beginning at the loose end, then make your way inward, getting more and more specific as you slowly moved toward the center. Once it becomes apparent where you're going with your message, decision makers may start to nod slowly, then eventually more rapidly to demonstrate that they "get it." And once you realize that the decision maker understands your recommendation (I guess all that nodding would be the big clue), you would stop talking, even though you might not have arrived at that dot in the center. In Chinese cultural context, this would help lead to a mutual understanding or successful outcome. But in a cultural context in which some leaders and peers gravitate toward a direct style of communication, this would potentially lead to frustration, miscommunication, misalignment of goals, or an unrealized outcome.
Don't let others' direct styles upset you or make you think you're incompetent because your mind doesn't work as fast as theirs. When you work with very direct people, you may have to prepare a bit more before you speak or write to them. For example, think about presenting at the outset the main conclusions from a study you prepared and then present the supporting points. Remember that being direct doesn't mean being abrupt; being direct and polite at the same time will be the way to go.
People Who Are Passive
On the other end of the spectrum are people who apologize for things they do or who won't or can't commit to a position. I don't want to get into these people's psychological profiles, but working with them can be as challenging as working with the direct types.
For example, because they have a hard time making decisions, passive people may ask you to research many options, listen to what you've come up with, and then ask what you think they should do. Since the original task was simply to research, you may not be prepared to come up with recommendations, especially if you don't know all the relevant factors that would go into a suitable decision.
Similarly, passive managers may not be clear about a team's goals because they fear they'll make the wrong decision. In these situations, team members typically become frustrated because they haven't been given any directions about how to prioritize tasks.
While this list isn't comprehensive, I've put together some things you might hear passive people say. Note that many are apologetic and show a lack of confidence:
· "I hope you don't mind me giving my opinion ..."
· "I'm probably way off base here, and I bet I'm wrong, and this comment surely won't add anything to our conversation, but ..."
· "Hmm, um, I'm not sure what makes the most sense."
· "I agree, but then again, the alternatives do have lots of merits."
· "I sort of agree."
· "I haven't the slightest idea how to approach that."
· "Maybe if you look at everything, the solution will magically appear."
If you do work with or for passive people, you may have to find opportunities to encourage them and validate their opinions. Here are examples of things you might try:
· You might need to say things like, "I think your idea makes a lot of sense, and here's why."
· You may have to ask how to prioritize your tasks, all the while challenging and pushing for definite action steps, by saying something like, "I agree that these are the right things to work on right now, but can we discuss which items are the most urgent so I know when you'd like each done?" If you don't get much of an answer, you may have to say, "Well, let's discuss each item and figure out a timeline."
· You may have to ask about the rationale behind certain tasks so you'll be better prepared to help come up with a decision. Even something direct, such as saying, "I'd be happy to look at the options. I'll put in my preliminary recommendations based on what I find," is good.
People Who Are Passive-Aggressive
There are others who avoid conflict or confrontation and have their own way of communicating, which can baffle those who need more precise information or validation. A coworker with a passive-aggressive style might say something like, "If someone had given me the percentage change in revenue this year, I would have been happy." The underlying meaning to their statement could actually have been:
· "You should have included that percentage."
· "I should have given you more instructions."
· "You did a nice job, but I'm being picky."
· "I love playing mind games."
Another person with a passive-aggressive style might nod and stare at you rather than say anything. Imagine going to a meeting attended by a bunch of passive-aggressive people. You could easily sit there thinking that you're in the middle of some bizarro workplace. You might hear undercurrents of messages, notice discreet eye rolls and stares, and feel uncomfortable with the overall vibe.
The problem for everyone is that if messages aren't communicated explicitly, people could easily walk away from the meeting having very little idea about what anyone was thinking, making it difficult to follow through with a plan of action. When no one knows where things stand, no one can fully perform job functions or gauge effectiveness at work.
So what's the best way to work alongside coworkers with passive-aggressive communication styles? My advice is to always ask politely for clarification if messages are even slightly ambiguous. Your passive-aggressive coworkers might not like this request, but you need to be able to do your job.
Below is a table showing a few statements passive-aggressive people sometimes make. It includes examples of possible interpretations of each of the statements, a suggestion for what they should have said to be clearer, and potential reasons why they said what they said.
Whenever possible, try not to leave a conversation with passive-aggressive people without clarifying what they really mean.
Of course, the direct, passive, and passive-aggressive styles are not by any means the only styles you'll see at work. Also, there's no need to figure out where you are on a spectrum of passive/direct/passive-aggressive behaviors. Your job is to be assertive, polite, and authentic. And your job will always be to make sure you know what your managers want and give them what they want (otherwise why would they pay you?).
What to Know about Workplaces
Many young people get their first taste of what an American office is like from watching videos of the NBC sitcom The Office. The show is indeed very funny with its mix of inept, ultra-serious, and awkward characters placed in situations that are sometimes outlandish. Unfortunately, some American workplaces (and British ones, considering that The Office was first a UK show starring Ricky Gervais) aren't that far off the mark of The Office (though I hope, for your sake, you don't have to work there). I've certainly met my share of Michaels (like the callous egotistical boss played by Steve Carell) and Dwights (like the officious but naïve salesman played by Rainn Wilson) along the way. While the real versions of these personality types may not be as extreme as the ones you see on TV, coworkers' quirks do have the ability to get on your nerves, especially since you spend a good portion of your waking hours with your supervisors, peers, and support staff.
And that's what you'll be doing: spending a lot of time with people whom you might not otherwise choose as your family or friends. Remember that guy who lived down the hall in your college dorm who would stop by and never leave, even if you gave the most obvious hints, like not making eye contact, not laughing or responding to anything he said, and even turning off the lights and leaving him in the room in the dark? Or that know-it-all woman in your class who monopolized every conversation and pretended she and the professor were long-lost twins ("Oh my God, we are so alike!")? What about the person you were partnered with for a big assignment who didn't do any of the work but then, on the day of your big presentation, acted like the person in charge and took all the credit for the work ("I spent hours researching this and made some amazing discoveries.")?
Anytime you work with someone else, you have the potential to deal with those who think and act differently from you and have different backgrounds and experiences; it's the sum of all these personalities that contributes to a workplace culture.
You have a role to play in building up a positive and successful workplaceculture too. Regardless of whether you're familiar with local cultural norms or not, you have a voice, particular skills and talents, and a history and background that adds to a company. Hopefully, you'll find your way into a workplace that recognizes and is enriched by your unique contribution. And often it's the different worldviews we bring that actually make a place better.
In addition to people, there are other factors that inform a workplace culture. For the most part, many companies try to do what they can to make going to work a pleasant experience. For example, the open-office plan, in which there are no walls and coworkers sit together, is a strategy that encourages collaboration. The cubicle culture, in which people are separated from one another by moderately soundproof half-walls, is also common, giving coworkers a combination of privacy, relative anonymity, and annoyance if their neighbor is loud.(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Flip-Flops & Microwaved Fish"
Copyright © 2020 Peter Yawitz.
Excerpted by permission of Greenleaf Book Group Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
About Advice from Someone Else's Dad 1
Advice from Someone Who Knows His Way Around
1 A New Workplace 10
What to Know about People at Work
People Who Are Direct
People Who Are Passive
People Who Are Passive-Aggressive
What to Know about Workplaces
What to Know about the Workday
2 Everything Communicates 32
What to Wear How to Greet People
The Importance of a Handshake and Proper Greeting
3 The Unspoken Stuff 51
It's Not Just What You Say: Nonverbal Cues
Listening to Learn
Sorry, What Did You Say?
We're Mostly Lousy Listeners
Recognize What Typically Distracts You
4 Let's Get Talking 76
When Small Talk Makes You Sweat
Three Smart Ways to Start Small Talk
Know Your Audience
Who They Are
5 The Right Way to Write 90
All about Emails
Think Before You Write
Planning Cheat Sheet
Thinking versus Communicating
Writing Longer Reports
Basic English Grammar
Paragraphs Should Contain One Idea
Sentences Should Be Simple
Avoiding Business Jargon, Buzzwords, and Clichés
6 Meetings, Conference Calls, and Presentations 146
Running Good Meetings
How to Handle Yourself at Meetings
Speaking on Conference Calls
Giving a Presentation or Speech
Preparing Your Content
The Beginning: A Very Good Place to Start
Preparing for Questions
Delivering the Presentation
Dealing with Nervousness
7 Teamwork 172
How to Put Together a Good Team
8 The Language of Food 176
Eating with Others
Dos and Don'ts
The Office Kitchen
Eating in an Open Workspace
9 Keeping Your Digital and Personal Life Private 184
The Digital Side
The Analog Side
A Word about Dating Coworkers
10 Have a Nice Trip 196
Know Your Company's Travel Policy Well
Know Basic Etiquette When You're in Another Country
Socializing with the Boss, Coworkers, or Clients on a Trip (or Anywhere)
Road Warrior Tips
11 Managing Managers 207
Get to Know the Gatekeepers
Your Performance Review
Preparing for Your Performance Review
During the Performance Review
After the Review
12 Difficult People Situations 213
The High Road
My Shoes, Your Shoes, and Compromising
Parenting Rules Work Well
Different People/Different Thinking
Social Style Differences
Types of Difficult Coworkers
People with Bad Hygiene
When to Approach HR
13 Difficult Conversations 236
Asking for Time Off
Asking for a Raise or Promotion
Know Company Policy
Do Research Before Structuring the Message
Talk to Your Manager Before Sending the Email
Bonus versus increase
How to Quit Gracefully
14 Be Cool, Be True to Yourself, Be Open to Advice 248
About the Author 261