Got Warrants?: Dispatches from the Dooryard

by Timothy Cotton

Overview

For the hundreds of thousands of followers of the Bangor, Maine, Police Department on social media, the "Got Warrants?" feature brings a regular dose of levity. Pulled straight from daily reports, these short interludes provide a welcome spin on the standard police log. Collected here is a fresh batch of all-true police-related hijinks.

Poking fun at human nature and turning ne'er-do-wells into sages of silliness, Got Warrants? reminds us all to step back, take a deep breath, and try not to take things so seriously.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781608937684
Publisher:	Down East Books
Publication date:	10/01/2021
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.85(d)

About the Author

Tim Cotton is a detective lieutenant with the Bangor Police Department and commander of their criminal investigations division. A recipient of the Erma Bombeck Award for humor, his writing has been published in a number of newspapers, magazines, and websites—most recently CarTalk.com and the Bangor Daily News. The uniform company Blauer also posts a regular podcast narrated by Cotton. He lives in Bangor, Maine.

Table of Contents

Introduction 11

1980s Trans Am 17

A Car Drives into a Bar 19

Ain't No Party Like a Clifton Party 21

Attempting to Locate the Amorous 25

Back in the New York Groove 27

Bad Motor Scooter 29

Bass, but Not the Fish 33

Be Like Bob 37

Billiards 41

Blazer Blasphemy 45

Blazin Up a Fatty 47

Bunion Kisser 49

Can I Wash That for You? 53

Canadian Shoplifter 55

Canadian (Whisky) Thanksgiving 57

Cautious Inebriation 61

Clean Up After Yourself 63

Crack Pipe Storage 65

Creatures Carrying Tiny Trampolines 67

Dale Carnegie Discourse 69

Dearly Departed 71

Detroit Dipsticks 73

Don't Be Like Bob 77

Doo-Doo Deposit Disaster 79

Dr. Dre Beat Down 81

Drunk, with a Side of Stupid 83

Drunken Vulcan, or "Drulcan" 85

East Side Dipsticks 87

Fallen and Can't Get Up 89

Fireball 91

Florida Woman 93

Fundred Acre Wood 95

Gaming Loudly 97

Granite State Madman 99

Healthcare Mayhem 101

Herbal Fury 103

Hot Balls 105

In the Pants Stuff 109

Kevin 111

Keyboard in the Pants 113

Kicking the Ass of the Trashman 117

Killing for Satan 119

Last Fumes from an Empty Gas Tank 123

Lay-Out 127

Maine Moose Moss 129

McChicken Sandwich 131

Meat in Pants 133

Moment of Weakness with the Star Land Vocal Band 135

More Loud Lovemaking 139

Could This Have Been Mrs. McGillicuddy? 141

Naked on the Bridge Over the River, Why? 143

Nick 145

No Nuggets 147

North Dakota Man 151

Not a Yeti 155

Nunchuck Warrior 159

Paninis and Vice Presidents 161

Performing in Porn Over on Patton Street 163

Peter, William, and Jerry 165

Potholes 169

Pull the Shade in the Key of D 171

Ramming Speed 175

Rapid Roy the Neighborhood Boy 179

Rubbing the Revolver 181

A Screaming Roll on the Macadam 183

Supreme Commander of the Bad Driving Division 185

The Desk Sergeant Hears It All 187

The Good, the Bad, and the Weed Salesman 189

The Sons of Katie Elder? 191

The Sudden Stop 195

This Is a Quiz 197

Tinder Love 199

Tool-Toting Shirtless Man 203

Very Vulgar Fare 207

Walking Tall-Louisville Edition 209

We Are the FBI, Just Google Us 213

When Just Enough Is Too Much 217

Woman on a Bike 219

You Still Owe Me Fifty Bucks 221

Levity-An Afterword 223

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

“This collection of enjoyable and funny moments provides much needed relief from today’s cop-hating diatribes.” —New York Times best-selling author Joseph Wambaugh “Veteran crime fighter Tim Cotton offers a refreshingly humorous glimpse into the cop’s life. Hilarious tales of law and order, penned by a gifted storyteller the likes of Bombeck and Dodge. Got Warrants is guaranteed to put a smile on your face” —Bruce Robert Coffin, award-winning author of the Detective Byron mysteries.

Editorial Reviews

"Cotton’s attitude is fairly simple: if it makes him laugh, maybe it’ll make you laugh. And as a good friend of mine often says, the world needs more laughter." - The Maine Edge

From the Publisher