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"I Hate Myself!"
Fostering Self-Compassion
Recently, a good friend told me a story involving her nine-year-old daughter, Charlie. One evening, my friend heard Charlie chiding herself over and over again: "I'm the worst human. I hate myself. I'm terrible!"
My friend-who also happens to be a fantastic child psychologist-listened, empathized, mirrored Charlie's words, and snuggled with her. In other words, she tried to do everything "right." In response, Charlie started crying even harder. "And now you're being so nice to me!" she wailed. "That makes it even worse!"
It can be both heartbreaking and infuriating to hear children berate themselves. Sometimes, the things they say are patently ridiculous. My daughter will sometimes do something totally innocuous and age-appropriate, like spill orange juice on her shirt, and then start sobbing and declaring that she's the absolute worst person in the world. With these kinds of oversize reactions, I worry how she'll treat herself when she faces bigger challenges or makes more meaningful mistakes.
As it turns out, self-compassion might be one of the most important, if not the most important, skills we can instill in our children. Because the fact is, life is not going to be easy for most of our kids. What will determine how challenges and hiccups affect them is, in large part, their self-compassion-or lack thereof. It's "one of the biggest gifts you can give your child," said Kristin Neff, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin and the author of the book Self-Compassion.
If you're skeptical, I get it-there are lots of common misconceptions about self-compassion that might be lurking in your head, some of which I'll address shortly. But suffice it to say that if you were thinking about skipping this chapter, please reconsider.
Why Self-Compassion Matters
First, let me define self-compassion, because it's often misunderstood. According to Neff, self-compassion is, quite simply, compassion directed inward. It involves being aware of and touched by our own suffering, regardless of whether that suffering is caused by our own mistakes or things outside our control. It involves being supportive to ourselves in our toughest moments and not judging ourselves too harshly.
As you probably already know if you've ever done something dumb, it can be really hard to practice self-compassion in the moment. It's a lot easier to think Oh my god, I'm such an idiot! than to treat yourself with kindness. Ask me about the time I dented my brand-new car thirty-six hours after driving it off the lot. I definitely did not offer myself a hug or tell myself that everybody makes mistakes. I'm pretty sure I called myself a total asshole.
Here's what self-compassion is not: It is not self-pity. It is not self-indulgence. It is not absolving yourself of blame or refusing to take responsibility. It doesn't cause people to become lazy and self-indulgent and do nothing but sit on the couch and eat chocolate. If anything, self-compassion achieves the opposite: It helps us accept that we are imperfect, yes, but also makes us more willing to work to grow and do better. (For the record, though, sitting on the couch and eating chocolate is perfectly fine, and I think we should all do it more often.)
Self-compassion is linked with many broad benefits.
Self-compassion is an incredibly helpful skill, though some of its benefits might, at first, seem surprising. Most of the research on the topic has been conducted among adults, but over the past fifteen years, researchers have started digging into how self-compassion affects kids and teens. And pretty much every study that's been done suggests that self-compassion is powerful.
Studies have found that self-compassionate adolescents are, for instance, more resilient-they can bounce back more quickly and easily in the face of challenges and they are not as harshly affected by stress as other kids are. Self-compassionate kids are also less likely to have symptoms of anxiety and depression than other kids and have greater psychological well-being overall.
If we teach kids self-compassion and they can bring these skills with them into adulthood, they reap even more benefits. Adults high in self-compassion better handle bad experiences and are generally less anxious, depressed, stressed, and suicidal than other adults are. They are less perfectionistic and have more intrinsic motivation. Self-compassionate adults tend to exercise more, are more likely to seek medical care when they need it, have safer sex and healthier romantic relationships, and have overall better physical health. Sounds pretty good, right?
Some research has linked self-compassion to compassion for others, too, suggesting that when we treat ourselves well, we can treat other people well, too. It makes sense: "If your own emotional needs are being met, then you're more willing, or you're more able, to give to others and be there for others," said mindfulness and self-compassion teacher Karen Bluth, a fellow with the Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
Some researchers even go so far as to argue that we as parents can make the planet a better place by helping our kids learn self-compassion. "To the degree we can help more children be kind and loving to themselves, I think it could totally change the world," said Wendy O'Leary, a certified mindfulness meditation teacher and parent educator based in Massachusetts. "It's what gives me hope in the midst of the chaos that we see around us."
If self-compassion is that powerful,
why is it so damned hard to master?
I've long been befuddled as to why self-compassion is so hard when it's clearly so helpful-and why self-criticism, the opposite of self-compassion, is often our go-to choice instead. Why do we so frequently talk shit about ourselves-and why do our kids do it, too?
Researchers theorize that self-criticism has become part of the human condition because it's been evolutionarily advantageous. Much as dogs instinctively know to lie down and show their bellies to more dominant dogs, we humans evolved a tendency to recognize, and sometimes loudly vocalize, our weaknesses so that those around us will like and accept us. "We're trying to prevent the group members from either kicking us out, which evolutionarily would mean death, or harming us in some way," Neff explained to me. Over evolutionary time, these tendencies likely served our ancestors well, helping them survive and pass the predilection for self-criticism on to their children, their grandchildren, and eventually to us and our kids. And now, here we are-raising kids who collapse into self-reproaching tears when we ask them if they've brushed their hair.
There may be other reasons why we lack self-compassion, too. Sometimes we say bad things about ourselves in front of our friends-I look so bad in this outfit!-so that they can contradict us and make us feel better. Also, if we regularly talk to ourselves in unkind ways, it may feel less hurtful-or at least, less surprising-when other people treat us poorly, too. In this way, self-criticism can be a twisted form of self-care, Neff explained. We do it because we're trying to keep ourselves safe. So it makes sense that kids, who feel especially vulnerable, might lean into this tendency even more.
If we're wired for self-criticism, is there any point in trying to swim against the tide? Thankfully, the research suggests that it is, indeed, possible to teach people-including our kids-how to be more self-compassionate. But first, let me explain what self-compassion requires.
The Key Components of Self-Compassion
Over the years, Neff and her colleagues have identified three key components of self-compassion.
1. Noticing your feelings in the moment. This is often referred to as "mindfulness," and I think of it as simply being aware of, and accepting of, our feelings. As Neff explained in her book, observing feelings requires turning our attention away from our circumstances and mistakes-which we often focus and ruminate on when we're upset-and instead acknowledging that we're having a hard time. It involves taking the time to turn attention inward and reflect on how we feel. Doing this helps us see our current situation more clearly and pulls us away from obsessive thoughts about our current predicament or the mistakes we think we've made.
2. Recognizing the shared human experience. The word "compassion" means "to suffer with," so an essential part of self-compassion is recognizing that we are not alone in our struggles and that being a human means being flawed. It involves reminding ourselves that other people have made the same mistakes and have experienced the same pain and hardship. Often, when we berate ourselves, we feel the exact opposite: that we're the only ones in the world who could be so stupid-but, of course, that's never true. (Although I don't know anyone else who has dented a new car within thirty-six hours, just saying.)
3. Treating yourself kindly. When you practice self-compassion, you treat yourself with gentle kindness and understanding in hard situations rather than beating yourself up. It's hard, because often, when we make mistakes, we tell ourselves we don't deserve to feel better. We can think about this part of self-compassion as being akin to "treating yourself as you would a friend." If your friend spilled orange juice on their shirt, what would you say to them? Probably not "You're the worst person in the world." Maybe, instead, something like "Oh, shoot, that sucks. I hate it when accidents like this happen." This part of self-compassion involves actively comforting ourselves and being touched by our own pain. It also requires asking ourselves what we need and how to address those needs. In other words: What can we do to make ourselves feel better?
Teaching Self-Compassion to Our Kids
To help our kids practice self-compassion in tough moments, we have to help them tap into these key components. Here's how to do that.
1. Practice self-compassion yourself.
In my interviews with self-compassion experts, they emphasized one point over everything else: You can't nurture self-compassion in your children if you don't practice it yourself. "Modeling self-compassion is a really important way-probably the most important way-for parents to instill self-compassion practices in their kids," Bluth said. Kids can learn more from what we do than from what we say. So even if you tell your kids to treat themselves kindly, the message probably won't sink in if you call yourself a jerk every time you burn dinner.
To get better at self-compassion, you'll need to internalize and actively practice its three components-noticing your emotions, tapping into a sense of shared humanity, and treating yourself kindly. In her wonderful book You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent, clinical social worker Carla Naumburg recommended another step, too: staying curious. Curiosity is the antidote to judgment, she wrote, so when we struggle, it can be helpful to come at the situation with curiosity-to try to understand why things are so hard and why things happened the way they did.
If I'm upset that I burned dinner, and I try to get curious about why it happened, I might realize that while I was sautéing the chicken, my kid was asking me to help him with his homework. Then my dog started chewing on my shoe and I had to wrestle it out of his mouth and-oh, right, I also only got four hours of sleep the night before. I realize that it's no wonder the chicken got charred-and perhaps I should feel grateful that I didn't burn the house down, too. Suddenly, I feel a lot less angry at myself.
Another concept that's worth keeping in mind is that imperfect parenting can be more valuable to children than "perfect" parenting is (not that there really is such a thing). In 1953, pediatrician Donald Winnicott proposed the concept of the "good enough mother," arguing that it's good for kids when mothers (ahem, but let's expand this to all caregivers, shall we?) are imperfect and, at times, inattentive-because imperfect parents help children learn to manage frustration and problem-solve. Put another way, every time I burn dinner, I'm actually building my kids' tolerance for displeasure and discomfort. So there.
It's especially important to practice self-compassion when our kids push our buttons. You probably won't be able to support your toddler during their third grocery store meltdown if you haven't first taken a second to recognize that the situation is difficult for you, too. Self-compassion provides comfort and calmness, which is exactly what we need when our children start throwing cereal boxes in aisle three.
Still, there's a difference between knowing how to practice self-compassion and actually doing it. It may take more than just reading this chapter to maintain a regular practice. If it's a struggle for you, consider taking an online self-compassion workshop; the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, which was cofounded by Neff and clinical psychologist Christopher Germer, offers regular classes (centerformsc.org). Becoming better at self-compassion will not only likely help you in myriad ways, but it will help you help your kids, too.
"You can't really teach it to your kids," Neff said, "unless you know from the inside what it's like."
2. Help your child notice, recognize, and label feelings.
Self-compassion is defined as the ability to treat yourself kindly when you are suffering. So in order for kids to practice it, "they need to be aware of what they're feeling when they're feeling it," Bluth said.
At first this may sound silly. Don't all people-even little kids-notice their feelings? To some degree, yes. But often, kids feel their feelings without noticing them. They aren't able to create the space needed to step out of their emotional state and think, I am feeling frustrated right now. Yet we know from the research on self-compassion that the ability to notice our feelings, and to distinguish between them, is critical. Research suggests that many adults lack the ability to identify their own distinct emotions-so this is a skill that we should help our kids start building in childhood.
Thankfully, it's not that hard. The key is to be thoughtful about how we respond to our kids' emotins and how we talk about emotions in general.
First, when kids have big feelings, it's helpful to acknowledge, label, and validate them aloud. "Name the emotion for your child so that they learn how to name it for themselves," said Christopher Willard, a psychologist and self-compassion expert who teaches at Harvard Medical School. You might say something like, I sense that you're feeling embarrassed right now. Try to be granular with your labels to help your kids learn words for the many feelings that aren't always talked about, such as hopelessness, remorse, disgust, alarm, dread, boredom, and annoyance. (If your kids are anything like mine, as they learn more and more emotion words, they'll start correcting you: No, Mom, what I'm actually feeling right now is despair.
