Letters of Not

Letters of Not

by Dale Shaw


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Letters of Not by Dale Shaw

A collection of remarkable and completely made-up correspondence from the great and the good across history.Many books have collated the exceptional letters and personal writing of the famous, offering a fascinating insight into well-known figures’ personal lives and hidden desires. But what of the undistinguished epistles of the renowned? Can their less auspicious musings divulge clues to their hopes and ambitions? Probably not. But they can be quite funny.‘Letters of Not’ assembles the fictional jotted dross that was never before considered worthy of collection. The Post-it notes, the shopping lists, the failed limericks and the birthday card sentiments of history’s most celebrated sons and daughters.Inside you will find:Werner Herzog’s impassioned note to his cleaning ladyPatti Smith’s gym applicationCaptain Scott’s other last letter to his wifeSalvador Dali’s to do listMark E. Smith’s audio tour of Ripon CathedralHarold Pinter greetings cardsPope Benedict’s handover notesJames Joyce’s out of officeDr Heimlich’s other manoeuvreA letter from the table next to the Algonquin Round TableTweets from the 1966 Newport Folk FestivalInstructions on what to do when you meet Van MorrisonAnd many more, beautifully rendered in their original, blatantly falsified glory and hilariously transcribed for your pleasure.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780007533107
Publisher: HarperCollins UK
Publication date: 10/09/2014
Pages: 192
Product dimensions: 7.60(w) x 9.20(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Dale Shaw is a comedy writer who has written for a number of successful TV and radio things including Mitchell and Webb, School of Comedy, The Now Show, Russell Howard's Good News, The Impressions Show, Anna & Katy, Watson & Oliver, The News Quiz and some Muller Rice commercials. Letters of Not is his first book.

Table of Contents

0 Introduction 08

01 Dr Heimlich's Note to a Colleague 13

02 Werner Herzog's Note to His Cleaning Lady 14

03 Lance Armstrong Writes to a Fan 18

04 Pope Benedict XVI's Handover Notes 20

05 William Burroughs Rewrites the Swimming Pool Rules 25

06 A Model Writes to Auguste Rodin 28

07 Lou Reed Writes to a Television Producer 30

08 James Joyce's Out of Office 34

09 Orson Welles' Suggestions for Transformers: The Movie 36

10 A Letter from a Wise Man 39

11 A Doctor Writes to Lou Gehrig 42

12 Tweets from the 1965 Newport Folk Festival 44

13 A Note from Alexander Graham Bell's Business Manager 50

14 A Publisher Writes to Geoffrey Chaucer 52

15 Brian Eno's Discarded Oblique Strategies 55

16 A Christmas Round-Robin from the Freud Family 62

17 Tim Berners-Lee's World Wide Web Development Diary 65

18 The Head of the American Lizard Lovers Association Writes to Jim Morrison 68

19 Albert Einstein Contacts a Photographer 70

20 Brian Jones' Hopes for the Rolling Stones 72

21 A Potential Competition Winner Writes to Alfred Hitchcock 78

22 Neil Armstrong's Letter Home 83

23 Letter From the Table Next to the Algonquin Round Table 86

24 Information to all Pizza Archipelago Employees on the Arrival of Van Morrison 88

25 Cormac McCarthy Gives Directions 92

26 Wilbur Wright Writes to His Brother 95

27 David Simon Writes to HBO Inc 96

28 Charles Darwin Writes to His American Publisher 98

29 Anti Caligula Campaign AD 102

30 The Mark E. Smith Audio Guide to Ripon Cathedral 106

31 Jane Austen Writes to a Love Rival 108

32 Captain Scott's Other Last Letter to His Wife 112

33 An Eviction Notice from St Francis of Assist's Landlord 116

34 Patti Smith's Gym Application 118

35 Salvador Dali's to Do List 122

36 A Benefactor Contacts Baden Powell 125

37 Art Garfunkel Writes to Vampire Weekend 128

38 Joan of Arc's Note to Her Captors 132

39 Notes for Bill Gates' First High School Reunion, 1978 136

40 Edgar Allan Poe Vs. The Baltimore Sanitation Deptartment 140

41 A Lover Replies to Vincent Van Gogh 145

42 Biddy Baxter Writes to a Viewer 148

43 Neil Young's Shopping List 150

44 Agatha Christie's Jury Duty Notes 154

45 Galileo Gets a Reply 158

46 Gandhi Writes to His Dry Cleaner 163

47 Bo Diddley Writes to His Publicist 170

48 Ivan Pavlov Contacts His Local Pet Store 174

49 A Letter from George Orwell's Publisher 176

50 Harold Pinter Moves into Greeting Cards 180

51 Beatrix Potter Tries to Get an Overdraft Extension 184

Acknowledgements 188

We Are Laura 190

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