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ManApePig: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Humanity
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My cheapskate girlfriend got us a "discount" couple's massage and we had to go to this one man and woman's house who looked like the two bad guys from Home Alone.
The short little husband guy did my massage. He had like 58 times more oil than was necessary on his hands and they were all grotesquely soft. So, when he did your massage it just felt like someone was squishing a bunch of mashed potatoes all over you.
And then he kept cracking his knuckles the whole time... as if it was adding some...