Mother Daughter Me

Mother Daughter Me

by Katie Hafner

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Overview

Mother Daughter Me by Katie Hafner

The complex, deeply binding relationship between mothers and daughters is brought vividly to life in Katie Hafner’s remarkable memoir, an exploration of the year she and her mother, Helen, spent working through, and triumphing over, a lifetime of unresolved emotions.
 
Dreaming of a “year in Provence” with her mother, Katie urges Helen to move to San Francisco to live with her and Zoë, Katie’s teenage daughter. Katie and Zoë had become a mother-daughter team, strong enough, Katie thought, to absorb the arrival of a seventy-seven-year-old woman set in her ways.
 
Filled with fairy-tale hope that she and her mother would become friends, and that Helen would grow close to her exceptional granddaughter, Katie embarked on an experiment in intergenerational living that she would soon discover was filled with land mines: memories of her parents’ painful divorce, of her mother’s drinking, of dislocating moves back and forth across the country,  and of Katie’s own widowhood and bumpy recovery. Helen, for her part, was also holding difficult issues at bay.
 
How these three women from such different generations learn to navigate their challenging, turbulent, and ultimately healing journey together makes for riveting reading. By turns heartbreaking and funny—and always insightful—Katie Hafner’s brave and loving book answers questions about the universal truths of family that are central to the lives of so many.
 
Praise for Mother Daughter Me

“The most raw, honest and engaging memoir I’ve read in a long time.”—KJ Dell’Antonia, The New York Times

“A brilliant, funny, poignant, and wrenching story of three generations under one roof, unlike anything I have ever read.”—Abraham Verghese, author of Cutting for Stone

“Weaving past with present, anecdote with analysis, [Katie] Hafner’s riveting account of multigenerational living and mother-daughter frictions, of love and forgiveness, is devoid of self-pity and unafraid of self-blame. . . . [Hafner is] a bright—and appealing—heroine.”—Cathi Hanauer, Elle

“[A] frank and searching account . . . Currents of grief, guilt, longing and forgiveness flow through the compelling narrative.”Steven Winn, San Francisco Chronicle

“A touching saga that shines . . . We see how years-old unresolved emotions manifest.”Lindsay Deutsch, USA Today

“[Hafner’s] memoir shines a light on nurturing deficits repeated through generations and will lead many readers to relive their own struggles with forgiveness.”—Erica Jong, People

“An unusually graceful story, one that balances honesty and tact . . . Hafner narrates the events so adeptly that they feel enlightening.”Harper’s

“Heartbreakingly honest, yet not without hope and flashes of wry humor.”Kirkus Reviews

“[An] emotionally raw memoir examining the delicate, inevitable shift from dependence to independence and back again.”O: The Oprah Magazine (Ten Titles to Pick Up Now)

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780812981698
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 04/08/2014
Pages: 304
Sales rank: 421,028
Product dimensions: 5.16(w) x 7.99(h) x 0.64(d)

About the Author

Katie Hafner is a frequent contributor to The New York Times, where she writes on healthcare and technology. She has also worked at Newsweek and BusinessWeek, and has written for The New York Times Magazine, Esquire, Wired, The New Republic, The Huffington Post, and O: The Oprah Magazine. She is the author of five previous books covering a diverse set of topics, including the origins of the Internet, computer hackers, German reunification, and the pianist Glenn Gould. She lives in San Francisco.

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Excerpted from "Mother Daughter Me"
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Copyright © 2014 Katie Hafner.
Excerpted by permission of Random House Publishing Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

Advance praise for Mother Daughter Me
 
“This brilliant, funny, poignant, and wrenching story of three generations under one roof is quite unlike anything I have ever read. I love Hafner’s prose, her humor, the images she conjures, her choices of what to tell and when, the weaving together of family threads to produce this luminous and lasting tapestry. The story lingered with me long after I read the last page.”—Abraham Verghese, author of Cutting for Stone

Reading Group Guide

1. Do you find Hafner’s mother to be a sympathetic character? Why or why not? Do you think the author herself is a sympathetic character? Why or why not?

2. Hafner often finds herself in the middle of arguments between her mother and her daughter. Do you think it was possible for her to effectively mediate, while also working out her own difficulties with her mother?

3. Money plays a significant role in the book. Discuss why money can be such a flashpoint for families. Why do you think it was a point of contention in Mother Daughter Me?

4. Objects, such as the piano, also held great emotional significance throughout. Did the piano and other gifts carry different meanings for Hafner and her mother? How did their different understandings of the symbolism of those tangible objects lead to conflict?

5. Hafner is a longtime journalist who turned to memoir writing. How do you see her skills as a journalist employed in the writing of Mother Daughter Me?

6.

Memory—and the presentation of memories—can be tricky when writing memoirs. Many of Hafner’s childhood memories emerge during sessions with the therapist Lia. Others surface when she finds letters and other documents from the past. How do you think Hafner handles the reliability of her own memories, especially from her early childhood? How do you think she handles the issue of memory when her recollections differ from her mother’s?

7. In its piece on Mother Daughter Me, the San Francisco Chronicle wrote of children of parents who drink, “While their parents black out and forget, they remember, and their memories, their stories, matter. More than assigning blame, this is Hafner’s point—and her memoir is a brave manifestation of it.” Do you agree with the writer? Do you think Hafner steers clear of assigning blame? To what extent do you think it is necessary make a parent confront the details of a difficult past?

8. After Hafner’s husband, Matt, dies suddenly, Hafner tells the reader, she quickly does everything wrong. Instead of waiting to make any big changes, she acts hastily and, as she admits, inappropriately. What is your opinion of Hafner’s hasty decision to make large life changes? Are you sympathetic?

9. Bob, the man Hafner starts to date during the year chronicled in the book, is an anchor of sanity and stability throughout the book. How do you think Hafner was able to let another person into her life in during this year of such chaos and tumult? What role did you see Bob playing as he entered the family?

10. Hafner discusses the difficulty that subsequent generations often have in not repeating the mistakes of their parents, especially when it comes to inflicting trauma on one’s children. Do you think Hafner succeeds in breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma that her own mother was unable to break?

11. Hafner discusses the long-term effects of divorce on children, citing Judith Wallerstein’s book The Legacy of Divorce. Why do you think she chooses to discuss divorce at such length, when alcohol might seem to be the bigger problem?

12. Hafner’s father comes off as a complex, much-loved, but muted character in the book. Why do you think Hafner chose to keep him in the background of the narrative?

13. Do you think Hafner has created a balanced view of herself and her mother? Was she even in a position to do so? Are there examples of why or why not?

14. Why do you think the author’s sister had a life that was so deeply troubled, while Hafner herself, despite coming from the same background, was able to make different, healthier choices earlier in life?

15. Despite being in many ways a typical, occasionally difficult teenager, Zoë also shows herself to be surprisingly adult and insightful at times. What role do you think she plays in the choices that Hafner makes once Zoë’s grandmother comes to live with them?

16. Hafner describes in detail her relationship with her daughter, and the fierce attachment between the two. What do you think drew them so close? Does their bond add to the challenges they faced that year?

17. The mother-daughter relationship is inherently complicated, which Hafner makes very clear in the book. What are your thoughts on what makes the mother-daughter bond so complex, and often so fraught?

18. Toward the end of the book, Hafner states that instead of feeling the need to act as the constant pleaser and appeaser, she can finally “have relationships with all of the people that I love without having to connect the dots between them.” Does this insight seem like a good life lesson? Is there a contradiction in loving two people while knowing they may never reconcile? How does Hafner confront this question?

Customer Reviews

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Mother, Daughter, Me 4.5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 15 reviews.
Luke90210 More than 1 year ago
Katie Hafner has a very nice writing style. It is easy to read and digest. In her book Mother Daughter Me, she details a year of working with her mother to solve unresolved issues between them. I found the book to be excellent.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A truly remarkable book about family relationships. With three generations of women living under one roof , the author embarks on a quest to overcome once broken mother-daughter relationships. It is very well written and a hard book to put down. I finished it in three days. Highly recommended.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A complex look at the relationships between mothers and daughters. This is well written and easy to enjoy.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Fabulous memoir, written for anyone who has struggled with their relationship with their mother. Am writing a book myself about my relationships with my mother who lives on the east coast while I I be on the west coast. Since her Alzheimer's diagnosis our relationship has shifted in some ways. What was a distant (and yet strangely intimate) relationship has become more real, more honest. Sometimes to the point of raw, sometimes less so. Mother Daughter Me was not easy emotional reading, but it was healing as Katie shares her journey with both her mother and daughter under very difficult circumstances. If you have ever yearned for a better relationship with your mother, no matter what your background, this memoir will ring true as it poignantly shares the ups and downs of a daughter's reconciliation with her mother.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Well written and authentic.
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Well written assessment of the author's relationships, and how they change in light of new discoveries.  I raced through it in a few hours.
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abySB More than 1 year ago
I found the daughter to be less than lovable, but both her mother and grandmother, although as flawed as all of us, had a history and some wisdom with which to deal with their mistakes.
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Did the author mean to make everyone involved in this family seem selfish and self absorbed? Her daughter is portrayed (unwittingly) as a whiney brat.