My Heart Wonders: My Hurt and Pain

by Tiffany D. Brown

Overview

My book is about my hurt and

pain. The struggles of my life

from a young age to adulthood.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781452012490
Publisher:	AuthorHouse
Publication date:	06/28/2011
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	80
File size:	445 KB

Read an Excerpt

My Heart Wonders

My Hurt and Pain

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By TIFFANY D. BROWN

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Tiffany D. Brown
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4567-5939-1

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Chapter One

    The Breakage of Aliveness


    I flow there, for I drown in a nonchalant circle of pain.
    I focus on disappointment like a baby bird
    learning how to fly for the first time.
    For this I have to ask,
    What have I done?
    To receive things that I can't control,
    My heart has stopped ticking for him, as if I flat lined in emergency.
    There is no resuscitation for me, unless he takes responsibility.
    My well-constructed equivalent, Indigent art of a critic potion,
    Inconsiderate as a black widow decreasing her mate.
    Different spectacles of Lilies and White Roses,
    The graphic nature of my existence,
    My tag is wrapped up in seven letters.
    Seven years of bad luck, my second name is defined as pain, the
    last name, café, which is an addiction. (Tiffany Dolores Brown)
    So bad luck plus pain and addiction equals me Tiffany.
    Swimming or breathing in indicative ethnic's.
    Tread milling to keep a notice of my nature. The lamp
    in which I turn on, throughout my brain waves,
    I complained about my single, alone entrapment
    in the global since of air I steal.


    In My Heart

    Who is to say how many people you can fall in love with?

    If I cherish one, is he right for me. Or will I see he's not what I need,

    If I'm in love with one, but he's not mine, will he
    ever find the time to read between the lines?

    But what if there's one. Who makes me smile and
    makes me cry, and looks right into my eyes,

    Will I understand that I can't have him, as
    much as I wish he was my man?

    Not married, no kid, no degree, there's no one who is right for me.

    What I wish, I can't have, what I hope is out of my grasp,

    What I was taught, I forgot and what I started won't stop!


    I'm a Woman

    What types of trouble have I walked into?
    It's like a scene that I dreamed, but just hadn't quite come true,
    It's like a bridge to some rocks that couldn't connect,
    Or it's like my circle of friends that have came to an end,
    Or like the cluster of men that I will never see again,
    Now this might sound sad but I mean every bit,
    Because through my life I have been put through so shit!

    I have cried silently, but suffered out loud,
    No crime just smiles upside down,
    One kid, No drugs, No beer, I just need a hug,
    All rejected, I believe I'm neglected,
    Almost never a break, and for my birthday I brought my own cake,
    I sat alone, sang Happy Birthday and I cried,
    But a change will come, so baby dry your eyes
    I arrived alone and loved everyone but me,
    But let me see, I am stuck in a nightmare that haunts me,
    I pray for a fresh start and a fair chance,
    To show I can do things that you would give to a man.


    Eternal Feeling

    For future reference
    You need to understand
    Life's too short.
    The bond between a woman and man
    A vine so strong
    A line so long
    A hole so deep
    Being so far in love you can't sleep
    Looking beyond and beneath
    The lies, the envy
    The people that have too much
    To even have sympathy
    Your wound, your heart
    Will heal
    When you start to look passed the disk you have inserted,
    You're lucky
    See sweetie you're not hurt
    So don't take advantage
    Don't set yourself up
    Because you know Love hurts.


    How Would You Like to Live

    A confession
    I didn't think I needed anyone
    And would be better off by myself.
    A reaction
    Loving someone
    Caring and sticking by them for better or worse.
    The answer
    To appreciate the love that comes from you
    To love and lose
    To like or despite
    To hate or have faith
    To make sure you're all right
    To confide in your soul, to give you my heart, to keep it whole
    To trust and discuss, the possibility of you and me, can you see
    Try to visualize matrimony A.C.I.D forever with me.
    Do you understand the plan to walk hand and hand?
    To be more than just friends
    Can you handle this sensation?
    Or will you think you are held in a situation.
    For your honesty is what I ask
    And your faithfulness is what
    You give, for you to be my man
    Is this how you would like to live?


    How Long Will It Take

    Dry your tears on my shoulder for a minute or two.
    One Hundred Percent Satisfaction is what he promised you,
    And by that I don't mean pain. 50/50 that's the name of the game.
    You see for better or worse is highly over rated.
    A slap in the face, that wasn't stated. But you're taking it.
    Baby girl don't be strange, because if he did
    it once, he would do it a gain.
    Maybe I don't understand, because I'm not in that situation.
    Time will tell but it won't change, nat-thin.
    So you look in that mirror, and if you like what you see,
    I pray for your soul, and may your body rest in peace.


    Secret Message

    Please forgive me if I'm wrong,
    Who would have thought, it would be for this long.
    What went through my heart, also went through my mind
    But at no time,
    Did I believe that your heart would make the
    decision to read between the lines?
    To go with your instinct, not just by your head,
    Look deep in your heart and see if I'm there.
    I understand your plan to keep a roof over their heads
    To have a father figure there, to make them safe in your space
    And let your feelings become air.


    History

    A bounce of a circular object that makes it's way to a
    wooden stick and makes a person decide to go home.
    I am talking about the base of a voice that deepens upon age.
    The base of an idea before it is created through
    words and other types of communication.
    The base of clay before it becomes a sculpture.
    Even the base of a child before they learn how to talk.
    It's just the base of a ball that helped a man,
    send out a message "never give up."
    (In Memory of Jackie Robinson)


    My Life

    Erase crazy memories
    And visions in my head

    Dry tears from my eyes,
    Take love from my heart,
    Complete my daily bread.

    Confess my problem,
    With those who cause them.

    For thou is my friend,
    Because no one knows, who is my father?
    .
    Seems hard to believe,
    Because it sure fooled me.

    You ask why do I blackout,
    Do you think this is something I choose?

    Having no kids at the age 18,
    No employment or home,
    Sometimes I push people away,
    Because I'm use to being alone,
    At the same time, everyone's telling me I'm strong,
    I believe it's time to move on.

    The question remains,
    Where do I go?


    Can't complain?
    That wouldn't be right,
    But I just want a place, to call my own
    Where I can lay my head every single night.

    I want times,
    Where I don't have to ask anyone for cash,
    Be set,
    So I can have a look that tells them to kiss my ass!
    Do you think that's bad?
    If so, try this on for size.
    Rise to the occasion,
    Let me share this lye.
    I am so happy,
    That I am stuck on someone else's time.
    I am so glad,
    I am not getting paid for watching kids,
    That ain't mine
    I am just thrilled,
    That I have to sneak to take pills.
    But I'm still so enthusiastic,
    That my life is so fantastic.


    A Bad Situation

    Not handling what is thrown at me
    Not satisfied with how people treat me
    Not liking what you think of me.
    Fuck what you heard
    My ass is not crazy!
    Can be sweet
    But I'm a bitch in black sheep
    And to believe there was no evil
    Till, they created me.
    Now understand the smiles and that fucking doll
    That you think you know,
    It's like a bad outfit
    That shit's got to go.
    I'm considered young, because I like to smile
    Would I be old, if I was just buck wild?
    I need to watch people
    Trace their footsteps
    But I'm not nobody's puppet
    And I damn sure ain't nobody's pet.
    People walk over me
    And it hurts my heart
    But who gives a fuck
    Don't let me start
    Don't let me start laughing, and talking about
    Be harassed by some loud mouths,
    Jerk off and get shut down
    N'all n'all y'all den fucked up now,
    Can't figure out
    What keeps you standing over thee,
    But trying your best to put me in a circle, that's not for me.


    Don't Regret It

    The positive things, let me express
    What I mean, I have a dream, treat me
    like a queen!

    I reap what I sold, or I
    sold what I reap, think I'm in control
    That's how it seems. But I don't need
    no material things or some phony gold.

    Put your hand on my heart, take
    my soul. Fill your path with some-
    thing as pretty as snow. I repeat what
    I said I reap what I sold.

    Communicate with my intelligence
    and accept my pause. I can't tell you
    it all, shoot I might be six feet tall, all
    hell n'all.

    Can you be responsible, if
    something happens to me. Would
    you be by my side crying or saying
    goodbye. Can you float or fly? Can
    you walk or stroll. Remember one
    thing, you reap what you sold.

    You can hold my hand through so
    much stuff. But when I let go, I den
    had enough. Stubborn is not the word
    and you tripping is not the phrase.

    Open your eyes, no smile on my face.
    The whole point is positive things.

    Don't flash no cards, if you know what
    I mean. Don't show any smiles, if it
    ain't for me. Or you will reap what
    You sole, I guarantee.


    Escape

    For I reveal my dignity,
    My dignity that you tried to re-move,
    The sensitivity that you tried to prove,
    The silent act that you rack above all your crap, what's that?
    N'all I have lost my time, my time to listen to you to find,
    The meanings of your actions to adapt to the fact,
    That nothing is wrong with me,
    It's y'all, the purpose of you treating me,
    The way you do is because
    You're insecure about you.
    See I'm different from her
    and she and him and he and I deserve to be treated
    like a female, not a person from the streets.


    Biggest Fear

    A potion, a hip notion, an inter- closure is
    anyone comprehending my notion,
    Can you see through the lust, the clutch, the
    messed up theory that you call love.

    Can you follow your heart, or at least part, can you
    look farther, what now you don't have the nerve!

    You make yourself supreme and the girl, I knew
    had a certain dream. To become a nurse
    and so what, you failed a test, I know that hurts.

    Forget the categories entitled by your mother, father or even
    brother, I'm not even telling you to forget men, but what I am
    saying is that you're in an abusive relationship and it's got to end.

    There are nine of us and so what if we, got pregnant, got engaged,
    got stalked or got raped. We overcame that and got through it, but if
    you're listening this advice is for you. Even though we got over it, we
    still remember it, and even though we got through it, we can't forget it.

    We all got problems and at the time, we had to stay, but if
    you listen to your heart, you know it's time for you to go
    the other way. It's gonna hurt, but we all will be here, going
    step by step through what we call our biggest fear.


    Is It True?

    He seems to care about me and try to give me everything.
    His personality is de-vine along with the love in
    his heart and the mystery in his eyes.
    There are no mistakes only blessings.
    If you had to do it over
    I'm only guessing,
    That you would still stand and be a man and
    under all circumstance, do all you can.
    The situation that you stepped in,
    Never think that's what you're stuck in.
    Happiness is a gift, but you may think it's a myth.
    It actually exist and you may tell by this.
    If you can think about a person and that makes you smile
    You make love to them and that drives you wild.
    You can walk hand and hand through a scene, are
    you able to relate to what this means,
    Your nose is open and your soul is free
    Then that person makes you happy.


    Not Caring

    You think I give a fuck if you leave, nigga please.
    You can take every fucking thing.
    That's cool, but pay me back my time.
    Dealing with you, it feels like I got 9 fucking lives.
    So take the food and even take the water,
    go back and live with yo momma, because I'm not
    going to keep a nigga that don't want to be kept. 4 fucking
    years and I handled all your mess. Fucking chest pains,
    heartaches and then you had the nerve to lose your job. You
    did better saying yo ass got robbed.

    -To Be Continued-

    Please don't tell me that you think your threat's hurt.
    Her fucking pants, and probably her red shirt.
    A phone call almost every night.
    Now it's we should go back to being friends,
    Isn't that convenient, so you can have her again.


    The Pain Will Stop

    You are right and by chance I might
    know what makes me stand after we
    had our fights.

    You may be what I consider right for me
    but I can't see pass the pain that I keep,
    the darkness around my eyes
    the sharp warmness around my heart.

    You're at finish and I'm at start
    I begin again, rounded and dismay,
    Surrendered all my feeling
    once a-gain.

    My curse will be waiting to see
    If you will come to your senses
    If you will ever leave, maybe you will get help
    Just maybe I will finally accept myself.

    It's a terrible picture when you look
    through a broken frame, but once again
    this is only my pain.

    Only I
    Can block my blessings
    Only I
    Can stand on the side
    Only I
    Can let three different men get to me
    And only I can say goodbye.

    My sensitivity has concord me
    into an image I can't believe
    into a person that wants to scream

    In to a figure that is not for me,
    Understand
    that I let my heart leak for a man.

    Understand that my troubles are mine
    And my drama needs to end
    Understand that my tears fall hard
    When I'm under this trance
    And the Trauma I feel is now in GOD's hands.


    A Book

    I need to know what stage I'm at
    Defining this statement
    Is this politically incorrect

    If this is déjà vu

    You explain what it is I'm suppose to do

    The glitch that you have -
    obtain over the years by playing games
    Has to cease

    Not increase

    You have to relax
    Don't take nothing back

    Well since I'm sincere
    Have you lost your fear

    Or since I'm reciting stuff
    that should be on a card
    Am I hurting your heart?

    For what you taught me or what you think
    It could be true

    The question is do I love you

    The statement that I made was all
    But every time I see you I could fall

    I wanted to make the confession
    See every time you walk
    I want to smile
    For this you know drives me
    a dozen miles

    When you laugh, well shoot,
    I laugh too
    I believe I do love you
    But this registered
    in my head a long time ago

    But I would deny everything
    and just tell myself no
    For this is something

    I had rather not faced
    Because I was scared if I told you,
    All of a sudden you would need space
    And where would that leave me

    Disgusted and defeated
    Tell me something
    If my heart was a book
    Would you read it?


    Just Listen To Me

    I represent a place
    Where there's always one dark cloud

    And from this cloud, it says look at
    you now,

    Confused and mad

    Ready to snap on anything that goes
    pass,

    Getting harassed, embarrassed and
    being afraid,

    Don't be concern though

    She's only going through a phrase,

    P is for praise

    Going through irritation each day,

    No time to dry my face

    But according to you

    I'm just trying to find my way,

    The tears that leave my heart

    When I cry a hateful cry or experience a hateful pain,
    To stay sane is the hardest game
    It's almost a metaphor for riding a train

    I ride and ride and every hateful word gets on at every stop
    I try to ignore it
    But I get to the end of the line and I'm set
    To destroy anything in my way
    But most people say

    Girl I know what she's going through
    Girl that's ok
    But it's not ok
    If you can be on my level for a day
    You can see that it's not ok,

    Running away from the world
    Being stuck in a box
    Never knowing if someone will open it
    Or will you ever find the top,

    This has got to stop,
    And I drop to the bottom
    Because I can't breathe

    Scream out
    But you can't hear me.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from My Heart Wonders by TIFFANY D. BROWN Copyright © 2011 by Tiffany D. Brown. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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