Candid, compassionate, authoritativea rich source of insights, information, and practical guidance. "The first major work on the topic." Gay Community News "A much needed comprehensive study of what happens to husbands, wives, and children during the coming-out crisis. The Reverend Jane E. Vennard, founder Task Force for Spouses of Gays and Lesbians "The new enlarged edition adds important factors, especially children's reactions to a parent's coming out. Well-researched and insightful." Fritz Klein, M.D., author of The Bisexual Option "Anybody practicing in this area would be well advised to read this book." Professor Arthur S. Leonard, New York Law School In two million marriages, one spouse is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Having a spouse or parent disclose his or her same-sex attraction is a shattering experience fraught with pain, confusion, anger, and a profound loss of self-esteem. Amity Pierce Buxton spotlights this exploding phenomenon and reports constructive coping strategies that spouses and children have used to resolve problems of sexual damage, family breakdown, deception, and homophobia. Illustrated throughout by riveting personal narratives, this expanded edition of The Other Side of the Closet traces the family's journey from initial trauma to eventual transformation. This invaluable source of information for spouses, families, and professionals is based on Dr. Buxton's eight years of research, including interviews with 1,000 straight spouses and children, her own personal experience, and her counseling work with spouses of gay, lesbian, and bisexual partners.
|Publisher:||Turner Publishing Company|
|Edition description:||First Edition|
|Product dimensions:||7.25(w) x 9.06(h) x 0.77(d)|
About the Author
Table of ContentsPartial table of contents:
SEXUAL MISMATCH: DAMAGED SEXUALITY OF THE STRAIGHT SPOUSE.
Healing Sexual Damage.
TRIAL AND ERROR: CHALLENGE TO TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE STYLES.
GROWING PAINS: CONFLICTING ROLES AS PARENT AND SPOUSE.
Balancing Children's and Parents' Issues.
WHAT ABOUT ME?: IDENTITY CRISIS OF THE STRAIGHT SPOUSE.
Discovering the Authentic Self.
POWER OF THE LIE: THE SHATTERING OF INTEGRITY.
Reversing the Negative Effects of Deception.
FAMILY VOICES: AFTERSHOCKS IN THE CHILDREN'S WORLD.
Widening the Scope of Concern.
BREAKING THE MOLD: TRANSFORMATION OF SHATTERED BELIEF SYSTEM.
Creating a New Belief System.
BEYOND THE CLOSET.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
This book deals with the issues faced by gay/bi-straight couples. However, the book I was hoping to find was one that had studied mixed orientation marriages that had weathered the storm and gotten beyond the crisis to a good place. I want to see what strategies worked, what didn't work and how the strategies differed for gay-straight couples as opposed to bi-straight couples. Most importantly I want to see if couples who have weathered the storm feel the effort was worth it. My guess is a book like that hasn't been written because the couples are few and far between and the answers they would provide would not please most readers.
I'm the gay spouse in my family and was having a coming out crisis of my own when I read Amity's book. Talk about a tough read for a gay spouse. My initial reaction was anger because so little space was devoted to addressing the issues gay spouses face. But then I felt it was unfair to criticize the book for not being written the way I would have wanted it written. I reread the book, this time more carefully, getting confirmation of what I feared and a clearer understanding of what my wife was going through. The book also helped me understand the gay side of it a little more. Wish there was a book focused on the coming out issues of gay spouses. Amity, are you listening?
Buxton opens a vein to reveal the shame of the rejected, straight spouse, yet she also demonstrates compassion for the gay spouse. The stories of betrayal vividly describe the crisis that occurs when you discover that your whole marriage has been a lie. At the same time, Buxton offers some insights into how she accepted her situation and moved on with her life, even wishing her ex well.
As a straight husband whose wife just came out, I ordered this book as soon as I heard about it. I read it in one sitting. I found it to be out-of-date and minimizing to straight husbands. The focus is on the struggles of gay husbands and straight wives, and it minimizes the pain and trauma that straight husbands experience. For example, there are numerous statements in the book that straight men get over the pain more quickly than straight women, and that the straight male spouse often forms new relationships within only a few years. It seemed to suggest that the pain we feel is less powerful and consuming. I found this very insulting, as I am having a terible time watching my marriage (and best friendship) dissolve. Also, the examples (case studies) for 'saving' the marriage often include individuals who accept a third (or more) person into the relationship. If you are an ex-hippie with an 'open' marriage, or are unconventional, this might or might not work. If you are a conventional person in your twenties or thirties, with conventional ideas about marriage, you will find little to relate to with these people. I had hoped that the examples would date from the 1990's, not the 1970's or early 1980's. The 'steps of recovery' outlined are descriptive only, and do not provide practical steps. This book needs to be updated before it can have relevance to the complications of living in the present time. For straight husbands: buy this if you want to or need to, but I am sorry to say that, in my opinion, what you are looking for is not in this book.