Table of Contents
Foreword ix
Introduction xii
Chapter l The Bad news and the Good news ...and how to make more of the good news 1
Case Studies 3
How to Avoid Negative Verbal Exchanges That Hurt Your Children 7
Chapter 2 Reducing the Risk of traumatizing your Children 14
How to Tell Your Children About the Divorce 15
Once You've Told Your Children About the Divorce 24
Chapter 3 Taking Care of Yourself ... for Your Kids 31
Understanding the Nature of Stress 32
Causes of Stress in a Divorce and How to Minimize Them 34
Relieving Stress 44
Chapter 4 Managing Parenting Time with your children and ex-spouse 53
Recent Trends in Divorce Involving Children 53
Problems with Parenting Time 55
What to Do If 60
Two Important Rules of Parenting Time 67
Limited Parenting Time 68
Practical Ideas to Help Parenting Time Go More Smoothly 70
Chapter 5 Questions that Divorcing Parents Ask 74
When Only One Parent Is Helping Children Cope with Divorce 74
(Failed) Marriage Memorabilia and Closure 75
What (and How Much) to Tell Children About the Reasons for a Divorce 78
Helping Children When One Parent Has Hard Time Handling the Divorce 80
When Children Don't Agree That the Divorce Is for the Best 82
When One Parent Begins to Date 83
Opposing Approaches to Parenting 85
Sex Between Divorcing Mates 86
Children's Differing Responses to a Divorce 88
Chapter 6 The Biggest Mistakes Divorcing parents make (and how not to make them) 90
Ending the Marriage Too Quickly 90
Criticizing the Other Parent in Front of the Children 91
Fighting in Front of the Children 92
Making Erroneous Assumptions 93
Completely Cutting Off from a Child 94
Using the Wrong Words 96
Using the Child as an Informant or a Spy 97
Using the Child as a Confidante 99
Forcing Children to Choose Sides 100
Failing to Be Consistent in Payment of Child Support 101
Giving in to Children's Manipulation 102
Failing to Follow Through with Agreed-Upon
Pickups and Drop-Offs 104
Chapter 7 Special Issues For Infants, Toddlers, And Preschoolers 106
The Developmental Features of Infancy 107
Developmental Features of the Toddler Phase 115
The Developmental Features of the Preschooler Phase 121
Chapter 8 Special issues for School-Age children 128
The Developmental Features of the School-Age Phase 129
When to Worry 140
Questions Divorcing Parents Should Discuss 142
Chapter 9 Special Issues for Adolescents 146
The Developmental Features of Adolescence 147
All Grown Up? 151
The Adolescent's Need to Be Loved 152
Questions Parents Should Ask Each Other 153
Different Rules for Different Households 155
Who's the Parent Here? 156
Expressing Feelings 161
When to Worry 164
Chapter 10 From the mouths of Babes 166
Stages of Grief and Death 166
Different Timelines for Grief and Adjustment 167
The Little Things Count 169
Things That Hurt Kids Most 170
Common Questions Children Ask (and Some Simple Responses) 175
Afterword 178
Appendix A Resource for Divorcing Parents 179
Appendix B Common Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make 184
Acknowledgements 186
About The Author 188
Index 189
