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Princesses Don't Parp

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The Princess is getting ready for her ball at the palace of Par Ping. She's starting to feel nervous. What happens if she pumps or parps or does bum-blasts or toots, bottom-burps, whizpops or poots? That shouldn't be a problem though, as everyone knows princesses don't pump... 
A new laugh-out-loud new text from Peter Bently, author of Meet the Parents and Dustbin Dad.