Read an Excerpt
Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts Workbook for Women
By Les Parrott, Leslie Parrott ZONDERVAN
Copyright © 2015 Les and Leslie Parrott
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-310-87571-0
CHAPTER 1
Exercise One
THE REMARRIAGE MOTIVATION TEST
On a scale of 1 to 10, rate how much of a factor each of the following motivators are for you to get married. Take time to consider each item, and be as honest as possible.
1. Love at first sight is a factor in why I'm ready to get married again.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
2. Rebounding from the pain of a previous marriage is a factor in my motivation for this second marriage.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
3. Rebellion against my ex-husband is a factor in my motivation.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
4. Loneliness contributes to my reasons for getting married again.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
5. A sense of obligation is a factor in motivating me to marry.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
6. Financial advancement is a part of my decision to get remarried.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
7. Sexual attraction is a factor driving me to get married at this time.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
8. Escape from an unhappy first marriage is causing me to want to get married again.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
9. Pressure from others has something to do with why I am getting married again.
Not at All True
Extremely True of Me
1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10
Scoring: Add up your score from each of the nine items. There are 90 possible points on this test. Add 10 to your score. If your score is 50 or less, you can rest easy in the fact that you are probably not getting remarried for some of the most common negative reasons. If your score is greater than 50, you will certainly want to do some soul-searching on your own and with your partner about the items that you ranked highest. We also strongly suggest talking about these motivators with an objective counselor.
CHAPTER 2
Exercise Two
THE REMARRIAGE READINESS QUESTIONNAIRE
If you have taken the SYMBIS Assessment (SYMBISassessment.com), this particular exercise will look familiar. The SYMBIS Assessment Report presents the content of this exercise in a far more personalized format. If you're not using the SYMBIS Assessment, however, you will still benefit significantly from this workbook version of the exercise.
The following questions will help you assess your readiness for remarriage. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself while answering these questions.
1. Do you know who you are and do you like who you are?
2. Would you say you generally have a healthy sense of self-esteem and confidence?
3. Do you feel comfortable talking about your differences in times of conflict (rather than ignoring them)?
4. Are you twenty years of age or older?
5. Are you twenty-four years of age or older?
6. Would people you respect say you are personally mature?
7. Would you say you have resolved most of the ugly issues with your former husband?
8. Do you feel comfortable thinking for yourself and making your own decisions?
9. Are you able to make decisions without feeling compelled to please others?
10. Are you genuinely prepared to make your marriage relationship of utmost priority?
11. Have you resolved painful or other troubling issues with your past that are bound to impact your new marriage?
12. Have you identified specific quirks or qualities you may be bringing into your marriage as a result of your previous relationship?
13. Have you dated your partner for a year or more?
14. Have you dated your partner for two years or more?
15. Are you willing to take your time in determining whether your relationship is really ready for marriage?
16. Would you characterize your relationship as stable and steadfast?
17. Do you both practice compromise and negotiation effectively in your relationship?
18. Can you both resolve conflict between you without losing control?
19. Are you 100 percent committed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to making this relationship work?
20. Do you fully agree with your partner's important goals and values?
21. Do you and your partner share many similarities (e.g., sense of humor, habits, goals)?
22. Are your differences tiny compared to your similarities?
23. Do you and your partner have similar family backgrounds?
24. Do you and your partner refrain from criticizing, correcting, or trying to "fix" each other?
25. Do you like this person as he is at this moment (as compared to expecting him to change)?
Scoring: Add up the number of yes responses from these items and multiply by four. That will give you a possible score of 100. If you answered honestly and your score is 90 or higher, your answers indicate you are probably ready for remarriage. A score of 80 to 89 indicates that you are on your way but would probably be wise to give it more time and careful counsel. A score of 79 or lower indicates that you still have a great deal of work to do before you are ready for remarriage. You are likely to benefit from the help of a good counselor and more time. Whether your score is high or low, this brief self-report assessment should serve simply as a guideline, not as the final answer.
CHAPTER 3
Exercise Three
YOUR PERSONAL TEN COMMANDMENTS
This exercise is designed to help you uncover some of your unspoken rules. It will take about fifteen to twenty minutes.
Try to articulate some of the unspoken rules you grew up with. Take your time to think it over. These unspoken rules are generally so ingrained that we are rarely aware of them. If you're not married yet, by the way, you may have discovered some of your "rules" with a previous roommate.
We've provided you with sections to stimulate your thinking. The best way to come up with your own commandments is to think of what "unspoken rules" you grew up with in your family.
RULES ABOUT FINANCES
Example: "Credit cards are to be used only in an emergency."
1. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
RULES ABOUT MEALTIME
Example: "Dinner should be served at the same time every night."
3. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
4. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
RULES ABOUT CHORES
Example: "The towels from the laundry should be folded in thirds (not in half)."
5. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
6. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
RULES ABOUT OTHER TRADITIONS AND HOLIDAYS
Example: "You should open presents on Christmas Eve (not Christmas morning)."
7. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
8. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
RULES ABOUT QUIRKY THINGS
Example: "Never put a bottle of ketchup on the table (put it in a dish)."
9. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
10. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Once both of you have written your "personal ten commandments," share them with each other.
As a woman, think about how your mom modeled certain behaviors in each of these areas and consider how this may shape your expectations as a wife.
What surprises you about your partner's rules and why? Do some of his rules cause you to immediately push back?
Are there any specific rules you would like to change (on your side or his)?
The more you talk about your unspoken rules, the less likely they are to affect your marriage in a negative way.
In addition, here's a helpful tip. Any time you have a fight or disagreement, ask yourself, "Is this fight a result of one of us breaking an unspoken rule?" If so, add that rule to your list and discuss how you will handle that situation in the future.
CHAPTER 4
Exercise Four
MAKING YOUR ROLES CONSCIOUS
If you are using the SYMBIS Assessment, a portion of a page of your fifteen-page report personalizes the results of this particular workbook exercise, so you may want to refer to that page now. Either way, this exercise will help you evaluate role expectations in your own terms and then compare your expectations with your partner's.
Following is a list of chores or life tasks that will need to be handled by you or your fiancé (husband). To make your unconscious understanding of roles conscious, first indicate how your parents handled these tasks. If they shared the task, then check both boxes. Then write down how you would like to divide the tasks, according to your understanding of your own and your partner's interests, time, and abilities. If you expect to share the task, check both boxes. Finally, compare your list with your partner's list and discuss the results. Put your joint decision of who will do what in the last column, and be prepared to renegotiate when your circumstances change. This exercise will take about twenty to thirty minutes.
Once you have both filled out this list, compare notes and answer these three questions together:
1. What role behaviors do you tend to agree upon?
2. What role behaviors do you tend to see quite differently?
3. How are you going to adjust your expectations on the role behaviors where you are currently not in sync?
CHAPTER 5
Exercise Five
FROM IDEALIZING TO REALIZING YOUR PARTNER
This exercise is designed to help you relinquish unrealistic ideals you might hold about your partner and to discover her true character. It will take about twenty to thirty minutes.
Begin by rating on a 1 to 7 scale (1 being lowest and 7 being highest) how much the following traits describe you and your partner. Complete the first two columns ("Your Rating of You" and then "Your Rating of Your Husband"). Don't worry about the other two columns just yet.
Once you have rated the first two columns, share your rating with each other and write them on your own page. Then subtract your partner's actual rating of herself from your rating of her. Note any significant differences and discuss them.
Our three biggest differences in this exercise are:
1. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. ________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
One of the central tasks of the early marriage years is to move from "idealizing" your husband to "realizing" your husband. How accurate is your image of who your husband is compared to who he really is? The more accurately you can present yourselves to each other, the easier your first years of marriage will be.
CHAPTER 6
Exercise Six
EXPLORING UNFINISHED BUSINESS
Marriage is not a quick fix for avoiding your own personal problems. In fact, marriage may even intensify those problems. This exercise is designed to help you honestly face the psychological and spiritual work you need to do as a person so that you do not look to your husband to fulfill needs that he cannot. It will take about twenty to thirty minutes.
Everyone has yearnings that were seldom, if ever, fulfilled in their relationship with their parents. Take a moment to reflect, and then write down some of the needs and desires you felt that were never really fulfilled by your parents. We've provided you with a few headings to stimulate your thinking, but don't let that limit you to just these categories.
UNFULFILLED NEEDS FOR ENCOURAGEMENT
Example: "My parents never really encouraged my dreams or goals."
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
UNFULFILLED NEEDS FOR PRAISE
Example: "My parents never really celebrated my successes."
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
UNFULFILLED NEEDS FOR LISTENING
Example: "My parents never really understood me for who I am."
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
UNFULFILLED NEEDS FOR FUN
Example: "My parents often thought I wasn't serious enough and wanted me to be more 'goal oriented.'"
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
OTHER UNFULFILLED NEEDS THAT SHAPE MY EXPECTATIONS
Example: "I've never had anyone in my life who appreciates my creativity."
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
When we marry, we long to recreate the love and closeness and nurturance that we experienced or wished we had experienced in our relationship with our parents. But marriage is not always the place for those yearnings to be fulfilled. No human can meet another person's every need; deep relational longings are ultimately met only in a relationship with God.
If you are willing, share your writing with your partner and discuss the baggage you are both bringing into your marriage — and how your expectations of him as your husband might be shaped by your "unfinished business."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts Workbook for Women by Les Parrott, Leslie Parrott. Copyright © 2015 Les and Leslie Parrott. Excerpted by permission of ZONDERVAN.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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