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SHARED PARENTING: BEYOND the GREAT DIVIDE
The Twenty Essential Co-parenting Tasks for Raising Children in Two Homes
By Frank Leek
iUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2012 Frank Leek
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-2278-3
Chapter One
Staying Together or Divorcing
The transition begins when one or both parents make the decision to separate. Even if you have made that decision, read this chapter and take a few minutes to reflect on your decision. The more thought you give to this important decision, the fewer regrets you will later have. If you have decided to remain together, seek the best help and support you can. If you have chosen to separate, make sure your reasons are well thought out and then move on. If you have decided to raise your child in two homes, the rest of the book is for you.
The transition continues with physically separating, filing for divorce, establishing two homes, taking care of yourself, and explaining to your child what is happening. During the transition, you will learn about the dissolution process, the costs, the terms, and the use of declarations and depositions, as well as the processes of mediation and evaluation. You will know the transition period is coming to an end when a court order is in place, the decree is final, and you have a court document outlining the division of property, what support is to be paid, and a parenting plan for your child.
You shouldn't get married just because you are standing in front of your friends, facing a member of the clergy who is about to ask a question that usually is answered with "I do." Nor should you get a divorce just because you have filed papers with the court to do so. Although the purpose of this book is to help you and the other parent learn to co-parent successfully after separation and divorce, first consider the possibility of staying together.
Three Common Reasons for Divorce
Common reasons for divorce are destructive behavior, character differences, and the normal stress of marriage, discussed in detail here.
Destructive Behavior
Divorce is an option when a parent is acting in a way that endangers one or both parents and/or the child. Dangerous behaviors include physical violence, emotional abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, criminal acts, chronic poor judgment, untreated emotional conditions, and a persistent failure to maintain a committed relationship. If the destructive behavior threatens injury or death, move to safety. If the other parent is potentially physically or emotionally abusive, you have the responsibility of placing very clear limits and not accepting behavior that exceeds those limits. You can then examine your part in the abuse, whether it is goading the other parent into such acts; tolerating such acts; believing that life offers no respite; or, having grown up in an abusive environment, believing such behavior is "normal." Clearly state your boundaries and limits and the consequences if the threat of abuse continues or escalates. Become involved in an anger management program, co-dependency treatment, and couples counseling. The final step, if changes are not made, is separation.
Visiting Jail as a Life Occupation
If the other parent can't seem to stay out of jail, it is generally best to divorce and work toward personal growth. Try not to think of yourself as someone who associates with a person who acts in ways that lead to being jailed. Only you can say when enough is enough. Counseling may be required to determine why you have agreed to such a lifestyle for yourself and your child.
Unfaithfulness Hurts, but Is It Fatal?
If the other parent chooses to not be loyal to the marriage, you have a choice: either work very hard in treatment to determine what happened and rebuild a very injured relationship, or leave. If you decide to stay and it happens again, realize that your partner is not committed to a monogamous relationship and decide whether that behavior is tolerable to you.
When parents are in the process of separation and still want to work on their relationship, it is imperative that both agree not to have an intimate relationship with another person during the time of recovery.
When Drugs Are More Important Than You or Your Child
If the other parent uses alcohol or drugs to the point it interferes with everyday life and he or she refuses to get help or quit, you have little choice but to leave the relationship and protect your child and yourself. Criminals and addicts are very adept at saying they are sorry, promising never to be bad again. Do not believe these words. Believe only actions. A person with a drug problem has a very difficult task: to prove that he or she is no longer drinking, using drugs, or breaking the law. It is that person's job to earn your trust, not yours to give trust without proof.
You can be a model citizen all your life, but rob just one bank, and you are a bank robber forever. Don't feel sorry for the bad guy. Robbing a bank is not like spilling milk. Saying "oops!" just isn't enough. When you are convinced the other person has reformed, using whatever measure you want, then you can consider starting the relationship again. No one knows how long it takes to reform. Six months is not enough. Bad guys say they can hold their breath longer than that.
Untreated Emotional Conditions
When the other parent has an untreated emotional problem, such as schizophrenia, a bipolar disorder, or an obsessive-compulsive disorder, you can easily be caught in a bind. It is true that these conditions are based on stress and biology. Treatment and medications are needed to help the person gain control of the symptoms that are harmful to self and others. We humans are a compassionate group and do not toss out persons with a broken leg, a brain tumor, or an emotional condition. We seek to support and help as best we can.
But what if a person refuses to obtain the needed treatment? Some of the medications have uncomfortable side effects. It is the work of the physician and the patient to overcome resistance to treatment. But what if the person refuses to get help? You are then faced with a major decision. Should you continue to protect the person because of the disorder or separate from the person for refusing to get better? That is when you consider your own endurance and your own safety. That is when you strongly consider the well-being and safety of your child.
Character Differences
The second major reason for divorce is that the character of each parent is very different, and neither is willing to tolerate the other. Major problems can occur when the relationship is based on maladaptive behavior that developed early in life. Some people advocate marrying an opposite because it is more exciting. Some people say we marry opposites to work through differences. Research says if you marry someone with your same history and values, the relationship is more likely to endure.
There are some classical differences with which couples struggle. Some of these basic personality differences are listed here. As I have tried to emphasize, no one is all bad, and no one is all good. If you wish, rate yourself and the other parent on each of these character traits, placing an X where you are on the continuum and an O where the other parent is on the same scale. For example, let's say you are a neat freak, and the other parent has been known to leave shoes in the front room unattended. You might rate the neat/sloppy traits as:
Neat X 2 3 4 O Sloppy
So rate each of you on these character traits.
Neat 1 2 3 4 5 Sloppy
Fast 1 2 3 4 5 Slow
On time 1 2 3 4 5 Late
Humorous 1 2 3 4 5 Serious
Needy 1 2 3 4 5 Care-taking
Vulnerable 1 2 3 4 5 Protective
Sociable 1 2 3 4 5 Reclusive
Accepting 1 2 3 4 5 Demanding
Affectionate 1 2 3 4 5 Cool
Takes chances 1 2 3 4 5 Plays it safe
Honest 1 2 3 4 5 Dishonest
Controlling 1 2 3 4 5 Submissive
When a couple first get together, the personality differences are often seen as humorous, exciting, and attractive. However, after the marriage settles into a routine, those same differences can become sources of annoyance. Mom may have been attracted to Dad's decisive, no-nonsense, take-charge personality. Three years and one child later, she views him as a Napoleonic dictator or worse. Dad may have been attracted to Mom's casual, fanciful ways. Now he views her as flighty and irresponsible.
Very tolerant people are able to make an opposite relationship work, but it is very difficult. It requires hard work to channel each parent's unique way of viewing the world, to tone down excesses, and to be tolerant of differences. Most often, each parent demands that the other parent change, believing that such changes would permit them to live together in harmony. That is not true. The way for opposites to get along is for each one to accept the behavior of the other and tolerate the differences. That is not easy to do.
Surviving Character Differences
• Neither you nor your partner can make basic personality changes. Most of your ways of seeing the world are hardwired into your personality by the time you are five. Just ask any kindergarten teacher.
• Each of you can tone down your individuality, but your basic personality traits will remain.
• Individual therapy will help you modify your own personality.
• The key to getting along with an opposite personality is to accept the differences.
• By working together, you can make compromises that will help you get along.
• Couples therapy will help you compromise and accept differences.
• The person asking for change is the one who must change.
• Read the preceding point again.
The Normal Stress of Marriage
Sometimes living in a committed relationship is hard work and no fun. It is normal in a relationship to become so conflicted and frustrated that separation seems the only way out of despair. When the crisis passes, the couple can stay together, mature, and be better individuals, partners, and parents.
A "normal" relationship is one in which partners share similar but not identical views and have similar but not identical personalities.
Problems faced may include unevenness of maturity, imbalance of power, unmet needs for care and affection, failure to have family goals, and the changing character of love over time in a committed relationship. This group of parents represents the greatest increase in divorce over the past fifty years. As divorce has become easier, parents have viewed it as a more readily available way of leaving a frustrating situation. It makes a lot of sense to divorce if one parent is destructive, and it can be understood if parents have opposite personalities and have no way to accept each other's behavior. Parents in this third group, who are going through the normal ups and downs of married life, represent the casualties of no-fault divorce. No-fault divorces have resulted in many parents prematurely abandoning the ship of matrimony.
Surviving Bad Times in a Good Relationship
There are three things you can do to determine whether the relationship can be maintained.
1. Give it time. All relationships have ups and downs. Stay in the relationship unless there is danger, even if you are frustrated, to determine whether you can work together to make changes.
2. Use resources, such as growth seminars, family, friends, counseling, and church, to address the differences.
3. Maintain emotional balance. Do not use destructive means such as an affair, drugs, or violence to gain distance.
The Benefits of Marriage
Marriage is a big-time business. A couple remaining together twenty-five years with an income of $40,000 a year will have managed a million dollars together. Even with more limited income, the family as a corporation can manage a "good life." The first step is to determine what your corporation wishes to accomplish. What are the goals to which you as a couple might aspire? Following are some of the goals you can pursue, which can be accomplished only by working together, having a vision for the future, and knowing how to manage resources to make the vision real.
Having a Trustworthy, Loyal Companion
By vowing to be together through good and bad times, sickness and health, partners are agreeing that they have such a bond; thus, each person can be assured of loyalty and trust. In no other place in a person's life does this promise exist. When you go to work for a corporation, you do not take a vow that you will remain together in sickness and in health, for good and for bad. You know that you have certain rights but can be laid off if the company falters. You can be fired if you don't perform well or do something wrong. You can quit if a better job comes along. A marriage relationship is more enduring and includes fidelity and watching your partner's back.
Sharing the Enjoyments and Vicissitudes of Life
Life is not an escalator that moves unerringly toward happiness. Part of being a family is having a history of life's good times and bad times. Without the emotional ties of a family unit, your history would be very boring.
Having an Active Sex Life
There are two main purposes of sex: pleasure and reproduction. They are not mutually exclusive. In many marriages, sex becomes confused with power. When a couple can preserve a playful, friendly togetherness without fear or loathing, they will live longer and be happier. One client lamented, "We don't have as much floor play as we used to." Remember that there are eighteen thousand positions, half of which require floor play.
Raising Children to Be Good Citizens
One of the main functions of many families is to have children and effectively socialize them to become responsible, productive citizens. Common methods, common values, and consistency accomplish this. A child has a basic need to be secure, cared for, and given positive direction. The family is the crucible of this goal.
Joint Decision Making
It is helpful for parents to developed a decision-making style that permits both partners to contribute to the direction of the marriage: what sources of income, where to live, what type of residence, how to raise children, and how to spend spare time. Although most marriages do well without a master plan, partners can and do work together to organize the resources of the family for the good of all. Decision making must be mutual and not ruled by fear or manipulation.
The Benefits of Divorce
It is easy to focus on the bad parts of a marriage and the reasons for leaving the failed relationship. Look at the benefits of divorce as well.
Protection
Divorce is often the best way to get out of a destructive relationship. There are some people who, for whatever reason, are unable to follow the rules of society and represent a danger to others. In a marriage, such a person represents a physical and emotional danger to you as well as your child. By leaving such a relationship, you can protect yourself and your child.
Personal Growth
If you find yourself drawn to potential partners whose values and beliefs are greatly different from your own, you will need to do some work before becoming involved with someone else. Honestly ask yourself why you have made such choices in the first place. There are many organizations and groups that can help you understand your motivation. If you are willing to learn from your mistakes, you can move on, making better choices in your life. The opportunity for personal growth is there.
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Excerpted from SHARED PARENTING: BEYOND the GREAT DIVIDE by Frank Leek Copyright © 2012 by Frank Leek. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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