Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

by Mallory Ortberg

Hardcover(First Edition)

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781627791830
Publisher: Holt, Henry & Company, Inc.
Publication date: 11/04/2014
Edition description: First Edition
Pages: 240
Sales rank: 272,712
Product dimensions: 5.20(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Mallory Ortberg is the co-creator of The Toast, a general-interest website geared toward women. She has written for Gawker, New York Magazine, The Hairpin, and The Atlantic. She lives in the Bay Area.

Read an Excerpt

Texts from Jane Eyre

And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Characters

By Mallory Ortberg

Henry Holt and Company

Copyright © 2014 Mallory Ortberg
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-62779-184-7




hi who is this

it's Glauce right?? that is such a pretty name I am so crazy about how pretty your name is "Jason and Glauce" sounds so good together

thank you who is this?

when is the WEDDING I hope you guys have the Argonauts as groomsmen and they do the sword thing you know where they make the little roof with their swords and you run down underneath it it's so cute oh my god what am I saying you probably already have a million plans, it's your wedding it was just my favorite part of my wedding (except for the part where I married Jason!!!) (he is so fun to be married to) (tell him I say hi!!!)

sorry who is this

So I know we got off on the wrong foot it's Medea!! save my number okay

oh Hello

but I wanted you to know I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings about you are just so soft and so normal just normal soft feelings that you're going to love


anyhow so to SHOW YOU how soft my feelings are I got you guys a wedding present!!! I know it's not really "traditional" for the old wife to buy the new wife a gift (especially when she is still technically married to Jason) (who tell him I say hi!!!) buuuut I couldn't help myself

oh! you must mean the box that came on Thursday


it's a dress

it's a wedding dress

thank you I mean, I already have a wedding dress picked out but this is very sweet

do you know what you should do though you should put it on you should put it on your skin and wear it just for a minute (be sure to put it on your skin)


come along Gilgamesh be you my husband to me grant your lusciousness I will harness for you a chariot of lapis lazuli with wheels of gold be my husband and I will be your wife

oh wow Ishtar that's so flattering I'm so flattered

the Lullubu people will bring you produce of the mountains as tribute your she-goats will bear triplets

that's such a tempting offer

your ewes twins your donkey will overtake the mule

i would just love to but super quick question how is your boyfriend Tammuz these days is he still trapped in the Underworld?

I don't know what you mean

how about all your other boyfriends still horribly dead or turned into wolves?

you know what never mind

i'm just super curious since you've murdered exactly all of them if maybe you were planning on doing that to me too

i hope you get eaten by dogs

there it is


Excerpted from Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg. Copyright © 2014 Mallory Ortberg. Excerpted by permission of Henry Holt and Company.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Part I

Medea 3

Gilgamesh 6

Achilles 8

Dido 11

Plato 12

Circe 14

Medea, Part II 17

King Midas 19

The Wife of Bath 20

William Blake 21

King Lear 25

John Donne 30

Hamlet 32

Don Quixote 34

Hamlet, Part II 36

René Descartes 37

William Wordsworth 39

Hamlet, Part III 41

Samuel Taylor Coleridge 43

Hamlet, Part IV 45

Part II

Jane Eyre 49

Sherlock Holmes 52

Emily Dickinson 55

Oliver Twist 60

Lord Byron 62

John Keats 66

Emma 69

Pride and Prejudice 72

Moby-Dick 78

Great Expectations 85

Gone with the Wind 89

Edgar Allan Poe 94

Treasure Island 101

Gone with the Wind, Part II 105

Part III

"The Yellow Wallpaper" 109

Wuthering Heights 114

Little Women 120

Hamlet, Part V 129

Henry David Thoreau 130

Daisy Miller 134

The Island of Dr. Moreau 136

Daisy Miller, Part II 137

Les Misérables 139

A Tale of Two Cities 145

Rudyard Kipling 146

Daisy Miller, Part III 147

Daisy Miller, Part IV 148

The Sun Also Rises 149

Agatha Christie 152

The Great Gatsby 153

Daisy Miller, Part V 155

J. Alfred Prufrock 156

Virginia Woolf 161

William Faulkner 162

Daisy Miller, Part VI 165

Peter Pan 167

The Great Gatsby, Part II 171

Part IV

Sweet Valley High 175

The Outsiders 179

The American Girl Series 183

The Baby-Sitters Club 188

Nancy Drew 192

Atlas Shrugged 196

Fight Club 200

The Lorax 205

Rebecca 209

Cormac McCarthy 213

The Hunger Games 216

William Carlos Williams 219

Harry Potter 222

The Little Prince 225

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Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters 4.6 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 7 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I thought this book was hilarious, even when I hadn't read the work being referenced. It was clear that the joke was always being made about the characters, rather than it being funny that Odysseus or Jane Eyre was using 21st century technology, which would be a tiresome joke over the course of a whole book. The book kind of reminded me of an extended and particularly funny McSweeney's article. Really funny - I routinely read passages out loud to my annoyed roommate. I think teachers would want to consider picking up a copy for a way to engage students and make them understand the characters motivations better.
SleepDreamWrite More than 1 year ago
Moments where I was like what? What is going on? Okay that was kind of funny. This sounded hilarious. And it was. Some of the titles I recognized. I read some and others simply heard of. Fun but quick read.
Rhamy More than 1 year ago
This book had me cracking up! These are all your favorite (or not) literary characters sweetly played out in text form. My boyfriend says it was nerdy; I say it was awesome!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
An amazing book, and a perfect gift for the English major in your life!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Funny, witty and, literally, had me laughing out loud in places. Definitely recommend for a fun and light read
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