Ramblin' Man was born in 1835 or thereabouts not too far from where you're now sitting or standing. Or lying down. I can't really tell what you're doing right now.
Anyway, his father was a trapeze artist in a small circus known as the Travelin' Dunderheads, and his mother was a seamstress in an ironworks factory. I don't know why they needed a seamstress in an ironworks factory; apparently, people split their britches a lot.
The circus troupe was in town for three days only, but on the second day, the Ramblin' Man's father, whose name was Leopold, was doing a dangerous maneuver called the upside-down-twist-dive from the top trapeze bar. As he was about to go into the twist part, he lost his grip and fell 40 feet toward the ground. But he was saved by a run-away unicorn whose horn snagged Leopold's leotard. Leopold was lowered gently to the ground, but his outfit and his pride were in sore need of repair.
Now, I don't know if the rest of this story is 100 percent accurate, but it's true as it was told to me. I have no reason to doubt its authenticity.
Alberta the seamstress from the ironworks factory was known far and wide as a wholly adequate mender of britches and broken hearts, so Leopold was taken on a stretcher to see her. She did some amazing needlework, and Leopold did some poking around of his own. Pretty soon, they were wed and little Ramblin' Boy, as he was known back in the day, was born in due time.
Those are the basic facts of his earliest beginnings. The boy grew up as people tend to do. He went to school as often as not and embarked on a career in the science of sciolism.
On a personal note, he stands about 6-foot, 2-inches tall, has bronze skin, wavy blond hair and is quite handy with the ladies. He stands for truth, justice and the American way, and he sits down for everything else. In the nation's capital, there's a memorial statue in his honor. It's invisible, but trust me; it's there.
There's not much more to say about him. He abhors any vice except those of which he partakes, and he avoids four-letter words like "work" and "toil." He is all about integrity, honesty, reliability and other words that end in "y." He knows no stranger, fears no danger and is slow to anger. Due to his magnetic personality, he avoids paper clips and refrigerators.
His biographer, David Porter, is a newspaper publisher in Illinois. He and his gorgeous wife, Jennie, a beloved Kindergarten teacher, own the Tuscola Review, Arcola Record-Herald and Lebanon Advertiser. They reside in Tuscola, where they were in Kindergarten together half a century ago.
In his spare time, he enjoys cigars, Lego building blocks and taking naps. During his work hours, he enjoys cigars, Lego building blocks and taking naps. In between work and leisure time, he enjoys cigars, Lego building blocks and taking naps.
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|Publisher:||Barnes & Noble Press|
|Edition description:||Compilation of Humor Columns ed.|
|Product dimensions:||6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.69(d)|
About the Author
David Porter and his wife Jennie live in Tuscola, Illinois, and own three community newspapers
Lana Hill is an award-winning writer and illustrator living in Arcola, Illinois. She and the author were classmates at Tuscola High School.