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A laugh-out-loud guide to the first year of motherhood, filled with helpful advice and wisdom from real moms and dads who aren't at all afraid to tell it like it is
There comes a time in every new mother's life when she finds herself staring at her screaming, smelly "bundle of joy" and wishing someone had told her that her house would reek of vomit, or that she shouldn't buy the cute onesies with a thousand impossible buttons, or that she might cry more than the baby.
Best-selling author Dawn Dais, mother of two tiny terrors, is convinced that there is a reason for this lack of preparedness. She believes that a vast conspiracy exists to hide the horrific truth about parenting from doe-eyed expectant mothers who might otherwise abandon their babies in hospitals and run for it. Eschewing the adorableness that oozes out of other parenting books, Dais offers real advice from real moms-along with hilarious anecdotes, clever tips, and the genuine encouragement every mom needs in order to survive the first year of parenthood. The Sh!t No One Tells You is a must-have companion for every new mother's sleepless nights and poop-filled days.
About the Author
Dawn Dais is a freelance writer, designer, and filmmaker from Sacramento, CA. Her two previous books, The Nonrunner's Marathon Guide for Women and The Noncyclist's Guide to the Century and Other Road Races, were published by Seal Press, have topped Amazon.com best-seller lists, and have been featured by countless TV and print media sources. Her uniquely sarcastic yet inspiring tone has entertained and guided an enthusiastic core of readers towards their various ridiculous athletic goals. Dais has a popular website, dreaminmotion.net, which has 18,000 members and features downloadable training plans, blogging, and run tracking. Her first film recently received national distribution. Dais lives in Sacramento, CA, with her partner and two-year-old daughter, Vivian.
Table of Contents
My Moms on the Front Lines 5
1 And You Thought Pregnancy Was Hard 13
2 Please Censor Your Birth Story 17
3 Raid the Hospital 31
4 Breastfeeding Is Really F'n Hard 37
5 They Will Let You Take a Baby Home! 49
6 So Many Tears 55
7 Your Newborn Is Not Cute 63
8 It May Not Be Love at First Sight 69
9 No One Is Loving This as Much as Their Facebook Posts Would Have You Believe 79
10 You Just Pooped Out a Baby (Your Body Post-Baby) 85
11 Your Life Is Officially Over 93
12 Poop, Puke, and Pee 103
13 Children's Books Are Ridiculous 111
14 You Are a Horrible Mother Whether or Not You Vaccinate 125
15 Having Pets Did Not Prepare You for This 133
16 Who Needs a Health Plan When You Have the Internet? 143
17 You'll Never Sleep Again 149
18 Your House Is Way Too Small 159
19 Babies Don't Like Bragging 169
20 You Can't Afford This 173
21 Teeth Are the Devil 181
22 You'll Be Blamed in Therapy Someday 189
23 You Can't Have It All 195
24 A Dysfunctional Relationship 207
25 Remember Your Memory? 213
26 Your Body Is Ruined 219
27 You'll Probably Want a Divorce 225
28 It Does Not Go By "Soooo Fast" 235
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