Table of Contents
Introduction xvii
You Took the Last Bus Home 1
The Ice Cream Vans 2
For We Shall Stare at Mobile Phones 4
A Surprise Ending 5
University Challenged 6
In Praise of the Comma 9
Night at the London Palindrome 10
Carpe DMs 11
Frisbee 12
Literal Thinking 13
Poem, Revised Draft 14
Ping to My Pong 15
Thirty Rules for Midlife Rebellion 16
The Explosion 18
Words 19
Read My Lips 20
I Before E (Except After Sea) 23
No Hands Macpherson 24
The Heebie Bee Gees 25
Curriculum Vitae 26
Scenes from a Railway Carriage 28
Twelve Haiku 29
Compilation Cassette 32
Acrostic Guitar 33
Bin Lorries 34
Mixed Up 35
Haiku for Doomed Youth 37
Friday the 13th 38
Duffle Coat 40
At the Intersection 41
The Pillow Man 42
The Power of a Homophone 44
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? 45
Night Vision 47
Bonfire 451 48
How Much 1 Dislike the Daily Mail 50
A Brok n Po m 51
Receptacles 52
How's Wally? 53
Sporkie 55
Roger's Thesaurus 56
Too Much to Bare 58
Choreplay 59
Orpheus in the Umbroworld 61
The Day That Twitter Went Down 63
Anthem for Unnamed Storms 64
Book Group 66
Coquet 68
Smoking Jacket 69
Bags 70
No, You Cannot Borrow My Mobile Phone Charger 71
Granny Smith 72
Jessica Fletcher Investigates 73
Love Excels 74
Busman's Holiday 75
Paradise Not Regained 76
Running Wild 77
My Unbearable Politeness of Being 78
Pusher 79
Clive of Suburbia 80
The Boogie Monster 81
Morrissey's Quiff 82
Thin Poem 83
Subbuteo 84
The Offertory 85
The Problem of Writing a Poem in tire Shape of a Heart 86
Envy Not the Rich Man for I, Though Poor … 87
Light Verse 88
Internet Shopping 89
Cuppa 90
New Year Office Chitchat 92
Frenemies 94
Love Poem, Written in Haste 95
A Chemical Romance 96
Lollipop Ladies 98
Divided by a Common Language 100
The Interview 101
Black Friday 103
Hear, They're and Every wear 105
A Forest, Which Grew 106
Ballad of the Ballot Paper 107
The Occidental Tourist 108
The Waiting Room 109
Eggbasket 110
Unforeseen Consequences 111
You Can't Judge a Book 112
Love is a Skin 113
Toby 114
Upon Delivering a Lecture on the Work of One Direction 114
Fall 116
The Perils of Reading 117
Prometheus Uncreased 118
Parties 119
We Are Books 120
Lines Written upon Arriving at a Holiday Cottage and Discovering the Lack of Reliable Wi-Fi 121
The Grammar Police 122
Upon Awakening to the Sounds of Distant Rumbles 123
Ode to a Weather Girl 124
Morrissey's Fridge 125
In the Departure Lounge 126
This Is One of Those Poems without Any Rhymes 127
You Are a Map 128
Haiku #478629 129
Australia 130
Your Search Returned No Results 131
Reach out to Me 132
Please Sing to Me Your Songs of Sweet, Sweet Love 133
Kiss 134
Life: A Record 135
Selfie Stick 136
A Little Light Verse 137
Untitled 138
Plane Verse 139
Anthem for Doomed Ruth 140
Haiku Horoscopes 141
Whither Spoons? 144
The Importance of the Oxford Comma 145
Lapse 146
The Chelsea Flower Show Massacre 147
Languish School 149
Haiku #64471 150
Invincible Vince 151
Every Song on the Radio Reminds Me of You 152
Clarkson Apologist 154
Melancholy Communion 155
Not Her Cup of Tea 156
Penned Up Emotion 157
'Life Is an inspirational Quote' 158
The Pedents' Revolt 160
Lamina: A Palindromic Poem 161
If Your Heart Was an Org Chart 162
The Great Famine 164
Clowns 165
Beards 166
Name Calling 167
Logomachy 168
Fluff 169
Desemicolonisation 170
Suspicion 171
Origami 172
Missing the Moon 173
Her Universe 174
Malcolm 175
Wallycobbles 176
4' 37" 178
Needles 179
Little Poems 180
The Unbearable Lightness of Boing 182
Things I Would (and Wouldn't) Do for Love 183
Haiku # I 184
Ode to a USB Stick 185
Paul Young 186
You Stitched Together the Pauses 188
The Poet Laurie Ate 189
The Correct Attire for Yoga 190
Jewel 191
The Crocs of the Matter 194
Tony 195
Love Amongst the Dominoes 196
A Night on the Tiles 198
Haiku #298610 202
Poetry Books Offer 203
Lady Philately's Lover 204
Police Notice: Schrödinger's Cat 205
Stack 206
Robert Frost's Netflix Choice 207
Refugees 208
No Laughing Matter 209
Fifty-One Words for Rain 210
Without You 212
Poundland Economics 213
Two Paths Diverged 214
You Bagged All tire Seats 216
Over My Dead Body 218
4 × 4 219
Why I Have Never Read War and Peace: Ten Excuses 220
Pretty Things 222
The Love Song of Brian H. Bilston 224
Ceci N'est Pas un Poème 226
Acknowledgements 228
Supporters 229
A Note about the Typefaces 237
