Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You

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More About This Book

Overview

Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You destroys our complacency about who among us can commit unspeakable atrocities, who is subjected to them, and who can stop them. From age four to eighteen, Sue William Silverman was repeatedly sexually abused by her father, an influential government official and successful banker. Through her eyes, we see an outwardly normal family built on a foundation of horrifying secrets that long went unreported, undetected, and unconfessed.

Editorial Reviews

KLIATT
Incest might be one of the most painful subjects to read about, much less experience, and Silverman's memoir is an extraordinary example of this torture. She begins at age four, confused and emotionally wary about the sexual activities that she and her father explore. I found myself closing the book, but unable to rid my mind of the vivid, graphic scenes that are written in perfect clarity, charged with the horror of these unspeakable acts. An older sister nearby, a mother who retreats to her own bedroom; and this poor child must learn to deal with her father's anger and bizarre behavior until she is eighteen. It is quite understandable that most of these tragic memoirs are published following the death of the evil perpetrator. Silverman's father was, after all, chief counsel to the Secretary of the Interior, and then an international banker. Their luxurious suburban lifestyle hid the trauma that enveloped the household. Early on she notes, "everyone outside the house believes my father is perfect." Towards the end of the text, while under psychiatric care, she tells her mother, "I was sexually abused as a child." Her mother's unforgivable reply, "I had a terrible childhood, too," still reverberates in my mind. This poignant account of childhood sexual abuse is a tough read but its message is clear. Incest is not about sex, it is about violent power and absolute control. I applaud Silverman for her remarkable psychological journey back to a chance at a healthy future. KLIATT Codes: SA—Recommended for senior high school students, advanced students, and adults. 1996, University of Georgia Press, 272p, 22cm, 96-13706, $14.95. Ages 16 to adult. Reviewer: Nancy Zachary; YALibn., Scarsdale P.L., Scarsdale, NY, May 2000 (Vol. 34 No. 3)
Kirkus Reviews
A woman's excrutiatingly painful and explicit account of 14 years of incestuous abuse.

With great courage and startling compassion, Silverman tells the story of how her father, once chief counsel to the secretary of the Interior and later an international banker, made her his sexual companion. Beginning when she was four years old, the incest escalated from fondling in the bathtub to oral and finally full-fledged and frequent vaginal intercourse. With her mother's unspoken acquiesence ("I was a present to her husband") Silverman became a willing instrument in calming her beloved father's frequent rages. Extraordinarily frank ("It feels good, yes. I discover its pleasure before its shame"), Silverman is able to recreate the emotional trail that leads from terror to pleasure, from confusion and fear to disassociation. Two new personalities emerge to take the brunt of her father's sexual forays. One is Dina, passive and wanting only to please; the other is Celeste, angry, challenging, and hungry. But even with these guardian personae, the little girl Sue remains acutely vulnerable. As a second-grader, she felt so unprotected that she dropped out of school for a year; a few years later, during an especially traumatic period, she spent most of three months sleeping. As Silverman enters adolescence, she struggles to break away, but not until she leaves for college does her father abruptly stop his sexual marauding. Silverman spends the next 30 years trying to understand and control both her sexual aggressiveness and her self-starvation—an attempt, in essence, to make her abused body disappear. With therapy and a loving husband, she succeeds and, almost unbelievably, comes to terms with her parents as well.

Harrowing in its depiction of savage violation and profoundly moving in its portrait of a child's fear, confusion, and desperate search for a safe place.

Product Details

Meet the Author

Sue William Silverman is a professional speaker on child abuse and addiction. Her second memoir is Love Sick: One Woman's Journey Through Sexual Addiction. She teaches in the MFA Writing Program at Vermont College and is associate editor of the journal Fourth Genre.

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Sort by: Showing all of 5 Customer Reviews

  • Posted March 24, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    HAUNTING

    There are pieces of this story that will stay with you forever. It is shocking and painful but impossible to put down. What strikes me most about this book is the human capacity for forgiveness even when not in any way warrented.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 28, 2005

    Gripping and Heart-wretchingly Honest

    The title lives up to its name. It's hard to believe a father could do the things to a daughter that this one does. Unfortunately, it is all to common. This story is brillantly written, easy to follow, and brutally honest. It will tear at your heart and make you think. This was definitely one book I had a hard time putting down.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 19, 2005

    Terror Indeed

    Review of ¿Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You¿ by Sue William Silverman. 1996. Athens, Georgia. ISBN: 0-8203-1870-1. Autobiography, abuse. This memoir depicts the devastating abuse of a child born to a prominent man and his pretentious wife. This family that includes two daughters lived on an exotic foreign island as well as an ordinary American city. The father had important careers in banking and law. Nothing was more important to the mother than the appearance of a family as normal. But what is normal when one daughter dashes in and out of the house daily while the other is imprisoned nightly as her father repeatedly rapes her? The sisters do not confide in anyone, and the entire family is without communication of any kind. ¿In our family we don¿t know words to soothe each other¿s hurts.¿ Except that the patriarch finds comfort by taking his daughter¿s body, mind, and spirit. Written in present tense, this first-person narrative begins with writing that illustrates emotions in a most extra-ordinary prose. ¿I sit rigid on a couch and stare at the plant by the window, wishing I were small enough, light enough, to curl up inside one of the cool green leaves and sleep.¿ After experiencing parental rape from the age of four to eighteen, Sue tries to cope by creating alternative personalities; her authentic self had been lost in the isolation of secrets and shame. ¿I am without will.¿ The mother blames Sue, and not the father for the deviant sexual acts of the father: her mother calls her the ¿slut daughter.¿ In reference to her mother coming towards her after her father has raped her, Sue writes, ¿by the time my mother reaches the spot where my body once was, I know it is not me she touches¿it is not my arm her fingernails puncture.¿ Long after she escapes the abuse, Sue sustains the familiar in self-injury. She¿d been love-starved; in adulthood she literally starves herself. Sue startles the reader with how emotionally annihilated a child is rendered by abuse. Before the father loses his importance to old age, he vaguely excuses his egregious crimes by admitting that his mother had molested him. But Sue knows the truth: ¿That just because you are molested as a child does not mean you must grow up to be a molester.¿ Once, just once, Sue hears from her mother ¿I¿m so sorry.¿ Sue tends to her parents while they are dying. As a reader, I struggle to understand how she can be there for them when they were not there for her. Sue thinks about her mother¿s cremation, shocking the reader again with what we dare not ponder: ¿black brick oven where her naked body sleeps.¿ Sue¿s authentic self slowly returns to her when she begins to heal under the patient guidance of a therapist, the steadfast love of her husband, and a new connection with her sister. The reader rejoices with Sue while she saves others even as she saves herself: Silverman teaches English composition and comforts women and children. This book is the winner of the Associated Writing Programs Award for Creative Nonfiction, and there is no wondering why.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 21, 2003

    wonderfully honest book

    this is a brutally honest book of incestual abuse that should be read by all. i could not put it down. very well written and easily understood

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 1, 2003

    Well Written and Brutally Honest

    The story of Sue William Silverman deserves to be much more widely known. Her story is painful, yet she wrote with great insight and no sense of self pity. It had to be very confusing for her as she was growing up, and she was able to sort out all the pieces and put them back together in a clear, honest way. Remarkable story.

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