Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

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More About This Book

Overview

"The birth of Jesus has been well chronicled, as have his glorious teachings, acts, and divine sacrifice after his thirtieth birthday. But no one knows about the early life of the Son of God, the missing years - except Biff." "Ever since the day when he came upon six-year-old Joshua of Nazareth resurrecting lizards in the village square, Levi bar Alphaeus, called "Biff," had the distinction of being the Messiah's best bud. That's why the angel Raziel has resurrected Biff from the dust of Jerusalem and brought him to America to write a new gospel, one that tells the real, untold story. Meanwhile, Raziel will order pizza, watch the WWF on TV, and aspire to become Spider-Man." Verily, the story Biff has to tell is a miraculous one, filled with remarkable journeys, magic, healings, kung fu, corpse reanimations, demons, and hot babes - whose considerable charms fall to Biff to sample, since Josh is forbidden the pleasures of the flesh. (There are worse things than having a best friend who is chaste and a chick magnet!) And, of course, there is danger at every turn, since a young man struggling to understand his godhood, who is incapable of violence or telling anything less than the truth, is certain to piss some people off. Luckily, Biff is a whiz at lying and cheating - which helps get his divine pal and him out of more than one jam. And while Josh's great deeds and mission of peace will ultimately change the world, Biff is no slouch himself, blessing humanity with enduring contributions of his own, like sarcasm and cafe latte. Even the considerable wiles and devotion of the Savior's pal may not be enough to divert Joshua from his tragic destiny. But there's no one who loves Josh more - except maybe "Maggie," Mary of Magdala - and Biff isn't about to let his extraordinary pal suffer and ascend without a fight.

Editorial Reviews

East Bay Express
“[Moore’s] most ambitious book.”
More Reviews (1) Fewer Reviews
From The Critics
“An instant classic . . . terrific, funny and poignant.

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780380813810
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 1/16/2003
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 464
  • Sales rank: 24,505
  • Series: Harper Perennial
  • Product dimensions: 5.30 (w) x 8.05 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author

Christopher Moore
Christopher Moore
With a body of work that boasts some of the most outlandish plots and outrageous characters ever to make it onto the printed page, Christopher Moore is rapidly making a name for himself as the clown prince of contemporary fiction. It may be a dirty job, but Moore is more than up to the task.

Biography

A 100-year-old ex-seminarian and a demon set off together on a psychotic road trip...

Christ's wisecracking childhood pal is brought back from the dead to chronicle the Messiah's "missing years"...

A mild-mannered thrift shop owner takes a job harvesting souls for the Grim Reaper...

Whence come these wonderfully weird scenarios? From the fertile imagination of Christopher Moore, a cheerfully demented writer whose absurdist fiction has earned him comparisons to master satirists like Kurt Vonnegut, Terry Pratchett, and Douglas Adams.

Ever since his ingenious debut, 1992's Practical Demonkeeping, Moore has attracted an avid cult following. But, over the years, as his stories have become more multi-dimensional and his characters more morally complex, his fan base has expanded to include legions of enthusiastic general readers and appreciative critics.

Asked where his colorful characters come from, Moore points to his checkered job resume. Before becoming a writer, he worked at various times as a grocery clerk, an insurance broker, a waiter, a roofer, a photographer, and a DJ -- experiences he has mined for a veritable rogue's gallery of unforgettable fictional creations. Moreover, to the delight of hardcore fans, characters from one novel often resurface in another. For example, the lovesick teen vampires introduced in 1995's Bloodsucking Fiends are revived (literally) for the 2007 sequel You Suck -- which also incorporates plot points from 2006's A Dirty Job.

For a writer of satirical fantasy, Moore is a surprisingly scrupulous researcher. In pursuit of realistic details to ground his fiction, he has been known to immerse himself in marine biology, death rituals, Biblical scholarship, and Goth culture. He has been dubbed "the thinking man's Dave Barry" by none other than The Onion, a publication with a particular appreciation of smart humor.

As for story ideas, Moore elaborates on his website: "Usually [they come] from something I read. It could be a single sentence in a magazine article that kicks off a whole book. Ideas are cheap and easy. Telling a good story once you get an idea is hard." Perhaps. But, to judge from his continued presence on the bestseller lists, Chris Moore appears to have mastered the art.

Good To Know

In researching his wild tales, Moore has done everything from taking excursions to the South Pacific to diving with whales. So what is left for the author to tackle? He says he'd like to try riding an elephant.

One of the most memorably weird moments in Moore's body of work is no fictional invention. The scene in Bloodsucking Fiendswhere the late-night crew of a grocery store bowls with frozen turkeys is based on Moore's own experiences bowling with frozen turkeys while working the late shift at a grocery store.

    1. Hometown:
      Hawaii and San Francisco, California
    1. Date of Birth:
      August 5, 1958
    2. Place of Birth:
      Toledo, Ohio
    1. Website:
      http://www.chrismoore.com

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.

The first time I saw the man who would save the world he was sitting near the central well in Nazareth with a lizard hanging out of his mouth. Just the tail end and the hind legs were visible on the outside; the head and forelegs were halfway down the hatch. He was six, like me, and his beard had not come in fully, so he didn't look much like the pictures you've seen of him. His eyes were like dark honey, and they smiled at me out of a mop of blue-black curls that framed his face. There was a light older than Moses in those eyes.

"Unclean! Unclean!" I screamed, pointing at the boy, so my mother would see that I knew the law, but she ignored me, as did all the other mothers who were filling their jars at the well.

The boy took the lizard from his mouth and handed it to his younger brother, who sat beside him in the sand. The younger boy played with the lizard for a while, teasing it until it reared its little head as if to bite, then he picked up a rock and mashed the creature's head. Bewildered, he pushed the dead lizard around in the sand, and once assured that it wasn't going anywhere on its own, he picked it up and handed it back to his older brother.

Into his mouth went the lizard, and before I could accuse, out it came again, squirming and alive and ready to bite once again. He handed it back to his younger brother, who smote it mightily with the rock, starting or ending the whole process again.

I watched the lizard die threemore times before I said, "I want to do that too."

The Savior removed the lizard from his mouth and said, "Which part?"

by the way, his name was Joshua. Jesus is the Greek translation of the Hebrew Yeshua, which is Joshua. Christ is not a last name. It's the Greek for messiah, a Hebrew word meaning anointed. I have no idea what the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stood for. It's one of the things I should have asked him. Me? I am Levi who is called Biff. No middle initial. Joshua was my best friend.

The angel says I'm supposed to just sit down and write my story, forget about what I've seen in this world, but how am I to do that? In the last three days I have seen more people, more images, more wonders, than in all my thirty-three years of living, and the angel asks me to ignore them. Yes, I have been given the gift of tongues, so I see nothing without knowing the word for it, but what good does that do? Did it help in Jerusalem to know that it was a Mercedes that terrified me and sent me diving into a Dumpster? Moreover, after Raziel pulled me out and ripped my fingernails back as I struggled to stay hidden, did it help to know that it was a Boeing 747 that made me cower in a ball trying to rock away my own tears and shut out the noise and fire? Am I a little child, afraid of its own shadow, or did I spend twenty-seven years at the side of the Son of God?

On the hill where he pulled me from the dust, the angel said, "You will see many strange things. Do not be afraid. You have a holy mission and I will protect you."

Smug bastard. Had I known what he would do to me I would have hit him again. Even now he lies on the bed across the room, watching pictures move on a screen, eating the sticky sweet called Snickers, while I scratch out my tale on this soft-as-silk paper that reads Hyatt Regency, St. Louis at the top. Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write.

Why me?

There were fifteen of us — well, fourteen after I hung Judas — so why me? Joshua always told me not to be afraid, for he would always be with me. Where are you, my friend? Why have you forsaken me? You wouldn't be afraid here. The towers and machines and the shine and stink of this world would not daunt you. Come now, I'll order a pizza from room service. You would like pizza. The servant who brings it is named Jesus. And he's not even a Jew. You always liked irony. Come, Joshua, the angel says you are yet with us, you can hold him down while I pound him, then we will rejoice in pizza.

Raziel has been looking at my writing and is insisting that I stop whining and get on with the story. Easy for him to say, he didn't just spend the last two thousand years buried in the dirt. Nevertheless, he won't let me order pizza until I finish a section, so here goes...

I was born in Galilee, the town of Nazareth, in the time of Herod the Great. My father, Alphaeus, was a stonemason and my mother, Naomi, was plagued by demons, or at least that's what I told everyone. Joshua seemed to think she was just difficult. My proper name, Levi, comes from the brother of Moses, the progenitor of the tribe of priests; my nickname, Biff, comes from our slang word for a smack upside the head, something that my mother said I required at least daily from an early age.

I grew up under Roman rule, although I didn't see many Romans until I was...

Lamb. Copyright © by Christopher Moore. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Reading Group Guide

Introduction

We know all about Christ's birth, and even more about Christ's death. But until he really started getting the word of God out there, there's little recorded information about his life. What do we really know about the Messiah's formative years? Enter Christopher Moore's Biff, resurrected by the angel Raziel and held captive in a New York City hotel room until he records a new gospel.

Lamb is the story of Biff writing his and his buddy Jesus Christ's (aka Joshua's) story; it's the hilarious inside scoop on the could-be origins of hundreds of tales we recognize from the Bible and from popular culture. While negotiating the terrors, curiosities, and conveniences of modern life, Biff transcribes the untold story of his and Josh's youth. He describes the escapades of the Son of God -- from his time as a stone-cutter's apprentice in Nazareth to his journeys to modern-day Afghanistan, China, and India in search of the magi who attended his birth; to his return to his homeland to gather his disciples and fulfill his destiny. Underlying it all is the story of his unconsummated love for an incomprehensibly beautiful woman named Mary the Magdalene.

Biff reveals the human side of the Son of God, and paints a vivid historical picture of what life might really have been like in Christ's time. Plus, it's really funny.

Topics for Discussion

  1. Did you find Lamb to be fairly true to the Bible as you know it? Did you learn anything from Lamb? Do you find reading the Bible enjoyable?

  3. Early in the book, Biff writes about "little-boy love," describing it as " ... the cleanest pain I've ever known. Love without desire, orconditions, or limits -- a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once." Do you understand what he's saying? Have you ever experienced that kind of love?

  5. Would Joshua have made it to maturity without Biff? Do you think Jesus had any human -- not divine help in becoming who he was? Is Moore making a statement about historical facts in the Bible, or about the value of friendship in general?

  7. Were you offended by this book in any way? There's so much here that Moore could almost be called an "equal opportunity offender." Did you find that some parts bothered you, while others didn't? Did he go too far, in any way? Not far enough?

  9. At one point, Biff asks, "Are all women stronger and better than me?" and Josh answers, "Yes." Do you think Moore believes this? Do you think Christianity teaches this? From what you know about other world religions, how does the role of women differ in each?

  11. Did you recognize any moments in your own development as you heard the story of Christ's? Do you relate to the character of Josh? Does this story of "Josh" make you feel any differently about Jesus as a human being?

About the author

Christopher Moore is the author of Fluke, Lamb, Practical Demonkeeping, Coyote Blue, Bloodsucking Fiends, Island of the Sequined Love Nun, and The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove.

Customer Reviews
Average Rating 4.5
( 668 )

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  • Posted December 24, 2008

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    I Also Recommend:

    A hilarious look at the empty years of Jesus' life

    I thought this book was very funny. The hijinks that Biff and Josh get into is nothing short of fall on the floor laughing funny. The random humor interpieced with factual accounts of Jesus' travels makes the book completely worth the money. If you are looking for a book that will make you laugh, this is the one for you. Most people will appreciate the religous comedy if they have a sense of humor themselves. Not reccommended for the die-hard religous.

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 14, 2011

    Moore is my favorite author. I must be a sick puppy.

    Having read "Fluke" and "Lust Lizard," I was already a big Chris Moore fan. But as a Christian, I fully expected to be offended by this book. Didn't happen. Sure, there's some strange stuff here -- wouldn't be Moore if it wasn't . But in the end, he pretty much gets it right! I found myself at times wiping away the tears of laughter and thinking, "Ya know, it coulda happened just like that." Maybe. I teach Sunday School and Bible studies, and I believe every Christian with a sense of humor should read this book! Those of you who don't have a sense of humor should probably skip it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted August 15, 2009

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    I Also Recommend:

    Laugh Out Loud!!!

    This is a very charming book that made me laugh out loud so many times. I fell in love with Biff with his humor and loyalty. I did shed a tear at the end but I believe most people would. This book is not to be taken seriously but it does make you wonder how Jesus life was as a child growing up. Did he really put lizards in his mouth :)!?...I miss the characters and wish the book didn't end. It's an easy read and I promise you won't forget to recommend it to someome.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted June 8, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    Completely Wonderful

    I loved this book so much that I purchased several copies as Christmas gifts last December. I don't think I've ever read a more endearing account of the young Jesus. Not only is it laugh-out-loud hilarious; it's also a sweet and, in it's odd way, a quite believable account if only in spirit and not substance. Biff's fierce devotion to Joshua and his complete derision for the angel Raziel makes for a completely new approach to a story we're all familiar with. I've heard some suggest this book is sacreligious but I think it's one of the most sweetly written and "Christian" stories I've ever come across.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted November 6, 2008

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    I Also Recommend:

    It surprised me!

    I'd read Christopher Moore's "The Stupidest Angel" and "Fluke" before I found this book. I'll admit, I was very skeptical when I started it. I think I expected something a bit more blasphemous, but I was surprised. Moore does a great job of poking fun at one of the most important events in Christian faith without contradicting and insulting it....much. It's definately not a book I'd recommend to anyone unwilling to give him some creative license, because there are some portions that might bother those too sensitive about their faith (such as when Jesus's little brother keeps bashing a lizard with a rock just to watch him bring it back to life again). However, if you can accept it for what it is, you might love it!

    Christopher Moore's books tend to be completely absurd on the outside, but under that you can find deep, meaning-of-life stuff too. I recommend it for anyone who likes something quirky, strange, and seriously funny!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 28, 2008

    Awesome

    This is one of the best books Ive read in a long time. Kept me laughing out loud!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 27, 2008

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    I Also Recommend:

    The title alone sets you up for a good time!

    Sure the topic and handling may bring some criticism from the religiously serious, but screw them if they can't take a joke! Honestly Moore handles the subject matter and story very well; no preaching, no balking and while maybe not "PC", with considerable care and LOADS of humor. Biff, at the bequest of a terribly stupid angel, recounts his adventures with Josh (aka Jesus) through the tumultuous years the bible left out; Jesus the teenager! Biff is along for the ride and to keep Josh out of too much trouble as he tries to find his place and purpose as the son of God, a quest that takes him across continents and through many enlightening and hilarious encounters (my personal favorite is the one where they crash a devotional ritual to Kali in order to save the sacrificee's life). A hilarious and even thought-provoking must read.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 23, 2008

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    So now we know...

    I always wondered what Jesus was doing before he started his ministry. Now, thanks to his boyhood friend Biff, we finally know...
    Christopher Moore is an extremely talented, slightly disturbed, very funny genius and I worship at his alter of bizarre.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 27, 2008

    Biff is one of the greatest characters ever written...

    This was one of the best-and funniest books I've ever read. I'm not a religious person by any means, but I do like to read the history on the subject. This was a great opportunity to see just what could've happened to Josh for the majority of his life. Moore gives him human characteristics, as opposed to just the devine. His best friend Biff is really hysterical-the kind of person we all need for a friend. I laughed so hard throughout the story. Just wonderfully hilarious!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 29, 2006

    Not What I Thought it Would Be...

    When I first saw this book I thought 'Interesting, the childhood of Jesus. Something no other author has really touched on. Great idea'. And so I read it. Not only did this book turn out to be absolutely hilarious, but it had a good point. Some people think this is probably blasphemous and whatnot, but what I got out of this book is that Jesus was just like all of us. Christopher Moore makes Jesus human in this book, really human, He's not portrayed as that divine perfection crap that they always tell us in school. This is a book that makes you think, and any book that can do that alone is amazing.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 1, 2012

    Lmfao

    This is one of my favorite books. Its laugh out loud funny, thoughtful, and twisted. Anyone who knows even the barest amount of the bible will enjoy this, whether they be christian or atheist, assuming they can laugh at themselves.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 29, 2012

    Fantastic!!

    Extremely funny. Makes you hope for what might have been.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 26, 2012

    very funny

    I've read all of Christopher Moore's books, and I like them all, but Lamb is one I read over and over. To some it will be irreverent, but I think it is very funny, and probably very plausible too. Thanks Christopher Moore.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 9, 2012

    Excellent

    Hilarious book, Christopher Moore is the bestbwriter of contemporary fiction that I've come across.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 8, 2012

    Christopher Moore never disappoints

    Very funny

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 29, 2011

    Garbage!

    Way to far off the wall for me, I didn't even finish reading it!
    After reading the sample, I assumed it would be humorous, but was very disappointed. Sorry I wasted my money,

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  • Posted December 21, 2011

    Hilarious!

    LOL funny!

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  • Posted December 17, 2011

    Hilarious

    This book both cracked me up laughing and made me more sympathetic towards the christian faith.

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  • Posted November 4, 2011

    hilarious and sad all in one

    Of course I've read the bible. I grew up in a Christian home, and I believe my parents would not enjoy this book whatsoever. Myself, I found it to be hilarious, sad, heart-warming. Characters you can't help but love. History that does not exactly coincide with Jesus' time thrown in. It's a lovely read.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 17, 2011

    Great Book

    A rather funny and interesting insight into Jesus. I am not even religious and greatly enjoyed this book

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