The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

The Language of Love and Respect

Back in the '90s, I read a few books on the Christian view of marriage. I requested Emerson Eggerichs' "The Language of Love and Respect" from Thomas Nelson to see if it offered any new advice, and also because - according to the blurb - it dealt with communication between couples. I'd hoped for something a little more egalitarian than books published a decade or two ago.

Unfortunately, the problems with this book are twofold. Firstly, the theme is a repackage of the "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" idea, except the author presents it as "men are blue, women are pink". While there are differences between men and women - in general - I'm not sure that these always apply, and what the genders have in common is just as important as what's different. Maybe even more so.

The references to "your pink wife" and "Pinkie" also struck me as somewhat patronizing. Then again, this book is subtly misogynistic, which is my second concern. For instance, on page 145, wives are cautioned against behaving in a "masculine" manner. Are husbands told not to be "feminine"? No, they're warned about being "effeminate".

This book takes it for granted that men are providers, such that their wives should respect and thank them for it. On the other hand, when women work outside the home, this is a pass-the-time deal; they don't need to discuss their jobs or be praised for anything they accomplish in this field. Here are some "energizing remarks" that the book suggests women can make to their husbands:

"You've made it possible for me to be a full-time mom. Let's set aside some time tonight just for us. I want to hear about what's happening at work."

In an economic recession where both spouses may well need to work, this seems belittling to me. Though it's not as bad as the advice on sex.

"Regardless of how a husband communicates his need for sex, the best approach is for a wife to realize that his need for sexuality is usually one of his strongest and she should try to meet that need even if she doesn't feel like it."

Perhaps she can lie back and think of England.

What about the rest of the book? It can be summed up in a lot fewer than 355 pages - men, love your wives unconditionally, and women, respect your husbands unconditionally. And what if your spouse, for whatever reason, doesn't deserve such unwavering devotion? If your spouse is an addict or promiscuous or beats your children? Love or respect them unconditionally anyway, because you'll be rewarded in heaven for it. The same blanket solution applies to the vast, vast spectrum of marital problems.

Because of this, I think this book would work well for a small segment of Christian couples - those who share the author's views and who don't have any serious problems in their marriages. For everyone else, I wouldn't recommend it.

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The Language of Love & Respect

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book, The Language of Love & Respect, is nothing short of mini-multi-marriage counseling sessions packaged in 350 pages. While the acrostics and steps and cycles were slightly cumbersome to wade through, the book was quite thorough in addressing what many consider the most challenging issue couples face - communication.

Eggerichs bases his material on three cycles - The Crazy Cycle in which "without love she reacts and without respect he reacts," The Energizing Cycle in which "his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love," and The Rewarded Cycle in which "his love regardless of her respect and her respect regardless of his live."

To show their love, husbands are encouraged to live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E which stands for: closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty, and esteem. Wives, on the other hand, are encouraged to live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S which stands for: conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationship, and sexuality. The bulk of the book unpacks these two acronyms.

I also found several sub-principles very helpful. These include: The issue is seldom the issue. Unconditional really means unconditional. Assume the best about your spouse. Husbands and wives are really different. What comes out of your mouth matters a lot.

All-in-all, couples who are patient and persistent to work through these 350 pages will surely find more than enough insights to challenge and help elevate their communication with one another. But as with anything worthwhile, the hard part will be putting these principles into practice.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Language of Love and Respect Cracks Communication Code

No one has to tell me I don't speak the same language as my husband.
Most of the time in my marriage I talk and my husband ignores me.
Well, ignore no more my maddening mate.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has arrived to save our marriage.
In his book, The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate, Eggerichs explains that women listen to the language of love and men listen to the language of respect.
Coded messages?
No wonder Mr. Man and I don't communicate.
Actually, I found this book extremely intriguing.
According to Eggerichs three cycles that marriages can enter - the Crazy Cycle, the Energizing Cycle or the Rewarded Cycle. Each cycle offers a different aspect of the marital relationship.
The Crazy Cycle is when a wife who feels unloved acts in a disrespectful way to her husband - thus causing numerous and unmentionable marital issues.
The Energizing Cycle is when couples when they are practicing love and respect principals and the Reward Cycle is when a couple is working in the Energizing Cycle to improve their marriage communication but one spouse has let down his/her responsibilities and God blesses them anyway.
My take? Not completely sure.
After reading this book I went through a relationship for dummies class that was based on these concepts and found it to be extremely helpful. However, without the on-board support of both spouses in a marital relationship, don't see a way it will work.
My husband is a wonderful man who just deals with life in his own way and he wouldn't be caught dead trying to follow these ideas. He thinks they're silly girl things. I have to face the fact that he doesn't relate to this kind of thing - and he swears he's a Bible-believing Christian.
So go figure.
I recommend this book for couples who are both interested in pursuing these marriage tools and for one spouse who wants to show mentorship and love - or respect - to his/her spouse. But, like everything else. It's no real answer.
I'm pretty sure the actual, real answer lies between the pages of the one book that has been a perennial best seller since it was published: The Bible.
I know lots of people own them. I wonder if they read them.

Great Guide For Relationships!

This is a great book. We have all been there. We have arguments and disagreements with our spouses. This book helps you to realize what could be the causes that actually start the disagreements. Have you ever been in an argument and half-way through the argument, you already forgot what started the argument? It is at that point in time that you question, "how did we get here"? This book tries to offer ways to mend certain problem areas. But what I like most about it is that it talks about unconditional love. Honestly, if we would allow ourselves to have unconditional love, we could conquer anything, right? I think this is a wonderful book and we all could learn a little something from it.

Seems great, just not for me

As a book reviewer, I had the chance to review The Language of Love and Respect. It was really hard for me to read it. I felt as though this was a book for a class, not one to be read at home. I will try reading it again once I have more time to devote to it... and I will purchase the workbook to see if it makes it any easier.

The Language of Love and Respect

I have finally finished reading The Language of Love and Respect, by Dr. Emereson Eggerichs,a book that has been sitting on my shelf for quite a while waiting to be read. My initial thoughts were hesitant as I was wondering how this was going to be any different than "Love and Respect". I was pleasently surprised, though. This book goes into greater detail in explaining the concepts of Love and Language. Love and Language did a great job explaning the differences in the way a male versus a female, and vice versa, need to be cared for in a marriage. The Language of Love and Respect helped explain in a more thorough way what that looks like and how to put it into practice through more than actions, but also through words!
It was also a great reminder of the concepts that I had read in the first book. Often times I will read a book, it will help me grow and become a better person, but soon after I move on to another book I forget what I had read and quit putting those things into practice. So it was a great reminder of what I had learned, and also a great aid in figuring out ways to better implement those ideas and continue using them!

The Language Of Love and respect

The Language of Love & Respect, Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a must read for anyone in a relationship or someone struggling in their marriage. Its a great book and takes an in depth look at how men and women communicate differently. Because men and women are wired differently couples often blow up when they don't exactly understand what is being communicated. By the end of the book you will come to understand that every couple faces the problem of communicating and you will learn how to decode the languages they speak. Dr Emerson does this with an emphasis on biblical principles.

Dr Emerson uses simple language to make his advice clear, he does it in such a way that you will learn how to speak to your spouse without disrespecting them. What I like very much about this book is that it gives you practical ways of communicating with your mate. We have all been at been at the place where we have been misunderstood, so if you are struggling in your marriage right now and looking for ways to improve it then this is the book for you, it is practical and inspiring.


Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

The Language of Love & Respect

I received this book as a gift. Maybe it was the crazy holiday season at my house but it took me FOREVER to get through this book and I can usually read a book this size in a day or two. It just couldn't hold my attention and at times I thought it was repeating itself. Over all I give this book a "B+" because it really does offer a lot of great advice!

I thought that I wouldn't get anything out of this book because I do have a good marriage, but we all know marriage in general isn't always bliss. For me it helped explain communication which at times is a hindrance in my marriage - believe it or not, it's on my side not his! Proper communication is key. No matter how great your marriage is I feel you will get something out of this book (just skim through the parts that repeat itself).

I wish someone would have given it to me as a newly wed. It would have saved me a lot of trial and error, especially early in my marriage. The book states men need respect and women need love. How very very true!

Love & Respect

As a young woman I have read my fair share of relationship books, whether they be about dating, marriage or the guy/girl dynamics and in most of these types of books they have outlined the different needs a man and woman has. Men want respect. Women want love. Easier said than done. Because I have heard this model before I was interested in how this author would portray the dynamic in this book, being titled itself, "The Language of Love & Respect."

The author uses Ephesians 5:33 to help the reader understand a marriage relationship. This was refreshing to me because as a Christian woman I use God's Word as final authority, so seeing this dynamic in the Bible was key for me. This book not only uses the Bible to show what a godly marriage should look like, but it also gives practical tools. Not all of these will come in handy at this point in my life as I'm not married yet, but I believe it would be of great use to those who are married.

The only drawback is I felt that the book was a bit wordy and at times repetitive, so I wish the author would have cleaned up his ideas and made it more succint, but the content of the book is great. I would recommend this to readers who are married or are close to that stage in their life. Understanding the importance of communication and how to center a marriage around God's Word is key to success.

Book Review - The Language of Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerich

Eggerichs' latest is a follow-up to Love and Respect, the 2004 blockbuster which details the needs and responsibilities that husbands and wives have for each other. The new book narrows the focus on one aspect of this dynamic: communication.

Honestly, I had a hard time staying interested my first time through this book. Not because it wasn't interesting, but because I had heard it all before in the book which inspired it. But the more I consider it, the more I have come to appreciate the new one. While Eggerich goes into more detail about concepts he taught about the first time around, that isn't the real benefit of this new book.

The best reason for this new book's existence is the vast number of follow-ups and stories sent in from readers. It allows the reader, and the author, to see the results of the Love and Respect principles when they are practiced in real life. Extra-large kudos to Eggerich for including the letters from those for whom these principles didn't work out so well. Such honesty, and willingness to take another look at what was said in the first book, is refreshing.

If you didn't read the first book, I would recommend you go straight to this one. The essential points of Love and Respect are in the new one. For all readers who are married or hope to be, I recommend The Language of Love and Respect.

Love and Respect

Miscommunication can be detrimental in a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, if not addressed. Often-times, we're oblivious to the fact that men and women speak different love languages. We know we are wired different but choose to believe that marriage can work if we have other things in common. Yet, how can a marriage survive, or even thrive, without proper communication? In this book we learn that men speak the language of respect while women the language of love and when we are not in sync with one another, we can get caught up in the Crazy Cycle - one of three cycles explained in this book.

We want to avoid the Crazy Cycle at all costs but the author warns that there is no avoiding this cycle completely. We will find ourselves in this cycle at one point or another and when we do, we can halt this vicious cycle by learning the C-H-A-I-R-S and C-O-U-P-L-E techniques that will guide you to understand your spouse' language. The final cycle taught is the Rewarded Cycle, the cycle all about grace. Grace given to an undeserving spouse who is not receptive to techniques learned in the second cycle. It was interesting to see myself and my husband in these cycles and how so much grief in our relationship could have been avoided if we only knew how to clearly communicate with one another. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and learning the techniques in this book and can already see positive results when implemented. (Memeber of the Thomas Nelson Book Review Blogger program @ brb.thomasnelson.com)

Love and Respect is possible for all couples.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the best-selling book, Love and Respect. This book is about implementing the lessons learned from the Love and Respect. However, it is not necessary for you to purchase the first book to read in order to understand or appreciate The Language of Love and Respect. Aimed at "cracking the communication code with your mate", this book delivers as promised.

Dr. Eggerichs wrote this book because of the huge response to Love and Respect. So many couples were impacted in a positive way from that book along with many workshops Dr. Eggerichs and his wife lead all over the country. The Language of Love and Respect is a response to many who asked how to implement the valuable lessons learned in Love and Respect. Personally, I did not read Love and Respect. Thankfully, Dr. Eggerichs gives a "crash course" of Love and Respect in the first chapter. This book explains how to communicate in a positive way with your spouse while explaining how miscommunications can occur. Guided by scripture, this book provides a light that many couples will use as a beacon for their communication.

Normally, I am not a gal to pick up a self-help book, especially on marriage. I have always felt secure of the status of my marriage and felt I needed no help in this area. I never would have thought of myself as a wife who speaks disrespectfully to her husband. I respect my husband greatly and would never dream of cutting him down. Honestly, I looked to this book as a way to minister to others. So, are you sensing a "but" somewhere here? Well, you would be correct. This book opened my eyes! Yes, I have a strong marriage. Yet, no marriage is perfect. In fact, this book helped me see how little acts of disrespect and unloving behavior were turning their ugly heads into even my marriage. I could not be more thankful for a book that I have read, save the bible. I saw myself in many of the women portrayed in the book. I thought, "I say that but never thought I was being disrespectful!" I spoke to my husband and learned that he agreed we have a solid marriage but also agreed that I did fall into the disrespectful category at times. We also concluded that he sometimes fell into the unloving category at times. Neither one of use wanted this to be the case and decided to work toward a marriage based on love and respect.

Does "work at" sound exhausting or is that just me? What does that mean anyway? Well, for me it only meant my intent on showing only respect should match my words. Once I learned how he perceived some of the words I used, it was surprisingly easy to avoid such wording. This may sound like a cheesy commercial, but the same day that I changed my communication, I saw changes in him. During a very stressful day, instead of being the old me which would include lashing out, I remained calm and respectful. I decided to calmly ask my husband for assistance. You know what? What I was going to request from him, he was already doing! He made an effort to make my day less stressful without any word from me. I have seen changes in our communication (that I never thought was needed) in a positive way in just a few days. I encourage all couples regardless of where their marriage stands to read this book.

(book provided by Thomas Nelson for purpose of review)

The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

The Language of Love & Respect by Dr. Ererson Eggerichs

I thought The Language of Love & Respect was a great book and I highly recommend everyone who is married or who is thinking of getting married to read this. Dr. Emerson does an excellent job of explaining what the Crazy Cycle is and how to get off of it. How to get to the Energizing Cycle and how to get to the Reward Cycle. At some point all marriages will be on one of these cycles!

This book is like a step by step guide to get you started communicating with your spouse in ways that shows the wife unconditional love and in ways that shows the husband unconditional respect! Dr. Emerson also offers helpful hints on what to do if things are not going in the direction you thought they would.

I really like how Dr. Emerson puts real-life examples throughout the book and parts of letters or emails that others have sent. The language of unconditional respect was new to me and very eye-opening. Dr. Emerson shows through this book how the marriage relationship is really about our relationship with Christ!

I learned so much from this book and I highly recommend it to anyone!

I a member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger program: http://brb.thomasnelson.com/

The Language of Love and Respeect

This book was written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and is based on the Ephesians 5:33"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." He believes that couples are sending each other messages in 'code' and they won't be able to crack that code until they learn to listen in their spouse's language. The book gives examples on how to crack the code and improve communication in a marriage.


I chose to review this book because I thought it would be a great addition to my husbands library. He is getting his Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. As a resource for him I think this is a great book. It addresses several common marital issues. This book is not bias and gives great tips for both Men and Women on communicating more effectively with one another. It gives both practical and spiritual helps. I think this would be a very beneficial book if you were having marital problems.

Though I do feel that this was a good resource book, I have to admit that I had a hard time finishing it. Having attended several marriage classes in school, and reading several relationship books, I found the writing quite boring. There were not a lot of new ideas and I would most likely only use this book for resources when counseling others.

I reviewed this book for Thomas Nelson Book Reviews. These are my views and do not reflect the views of others.

If you only read 1 relationship book, 'The Language of Love and Respect' should be it. Communication is the core of relationships and Dr Eggerichs makes it clear how to bring out the best in your relationship through personal change and growth.

I have to be honest about 'The Language of Love and Respect' by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, published by Thomas Nelson. I was not interested in reading yet another relationship book. It's not that I know everything there is to know about male-female relationships. It's just that when my husband and I go to marriage seminars or read relationship books, I have to listen to what they are saying to the husband and he has to listen to what they are saying to the wife. Our roles are that reversed. It is tiring to have to flip things in your head to make it apply to you.

But 'The Language of Love and Respect' was one of the best things I could have done for our marriage. The book doesn't deal so much with gender 'roles' as it does gender 'communication'. It was about, well, love and respect. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. You need to love and respect your partner. Eggerichs gets to the core and then gives you simple to follow help on how to improve yourself - not your partner.

Pop culture is all about communication. 'The Language of Love and Respect' is about successfully communicating with the most important person in your life. Communication is a process. 'The Language of Love and Respect' challenged me. It made me look at things differently and work on them differently.

This is a book I need to keep handy so I can reference back to work on another aspect of my attitude and approach to my marriage. It is well worth purchasing for yourself and for a newly married couple in your life. Or as an anniversary gift for couple that has been married awhile - sometimes we get into a rut.

This is the second book and you need not feel like you are left out if you did not read 'Love and Respect' because Dr Emerson Eggerichs gives a synopsis of the first book at the beginning of 'The Language of Love and Respect.' That was a nice feature. From the sounds of 'Love and Respect', that might be worth reading as well.

Good for someone new to the idea

The Language of Love & Respect by Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate was more a let-down, with the notion that it would help with communication with new improved techniques. I did not feel that there was no new information presented, just techniques re-worded or renamed. It was not hard to get caught up with what Dr. Eggerichs had written in his first book because he did a nice job of reviewing the material.

In the past I have read several of the male vs female communication books (ie men are from mars, women are from Venus and the five love languages) and found those more helpful with communication.
Though for those who are new to the idea of communicating with the opposite sex, this book is helpful is seeing where others are coming from in their communication and what drives them. This would be a great book for a couple to review in a pre-marriage counseling to see how their partner's communication style is and how to overcome some of the typical challenges relationships face.

Book Review of The Language of Love and Respect

This book is a retitled paperback release of Cracking the Communication Code.

Dr. Eggerichs explains that men speak the language of respect, and women speak the language of love. He also presents an easy to use approach for how husbands and wives can learn to speak each other's languages. He talks about the three cycles of marriage: The Energizing Cycle, The Crazy Cycle and The Rewarded Cycle, and gives strategies to prevent getting stuck in "The Crazy Cycle." It can be quite repetitive, but the lessons inside are invaluable to a strong marriage.

"The Language of Love and Respect" is a very good book. Dr. Eggerichs is easy to read and the applications he suggests seem realistic, and his writing style is peppered with wit and relevant anecdotes. The book is written like a good reference manual, where someone could pick it up, select a principle to briefly read, and understand it in a few short paragraphs because following each of the typical introductory paragraphs, Dr. Eggerichs includes several stories to further explain the presented concepts to his readers.

Eggerichs also explains the chairs/couple concept to explain this difference and what males and females must do in order to communicate with each other better. These concepts, as well as the TUFTS concept are presented in a clear, understandable way that makes them easy to internalize and use in real life.
I recommend the book but just take your time and try not to go through it quickly.

The Language of Love and Respect

The Language of Love and Respect explains the different ways men and women communicate. Women, with love and men with respect. Dr. Eggrichsgoes into detail about the "pink" way woman communicate and the "blue" way men communicate, the three cycles of a relationship, and how to "decode" what our spouse is saying. He also teaches ways of keeping our marriages healthy and fulfilling for both spouses. The most important thing Dr. Eggrichs points out is that none of us are wrong, just different.



I truly enjoyed this book. I not only learned how to communicate with and understand my husband better, I learned some things about myself as well. The book is easy to read and understand. Everything is broken down into sections and explained in depth. Dr. Eggrichs covers both the female perspective as well as the male perspective in all areas, which, helps us to understand the motivation of our spouse, our own motivation and reader friendly for both sexes. Dr. Eggrichs included stories from his personal life that we can all relate to. As I was reading I found myself thinking " Yes! I have been there!" or " so that is what he meant!" You can see he know what he is talking about and it all makes sense.



I would recommend this book to anyone that would like to have a healthy and happy relationship. I have encouraged my husband to read this book as well. I really believe that there is a communication gap between men and women. If we could really understand what our spouse needs and wants, there would be an improvement in even the happiest of marriages. This book can help decode what those needs and wants are on a daily basis enriching all of our lives and marriages.

The Language of Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I was very much anticipating reading this book. I actually didn't even know Dr. Eggerichs had written a second book until I saw it online! I read his first book Love & Respect back in 2007 before I got married. I very much enjoyed the book and definitely recommend it to any engaged or newly married couple. Even if you haven't read the first book, I would highly recommend picking up this book. Eggerichs reviews his first book in this one, so it wouldn't be necessary to read the first one if you haven't already. However, if you have read the first one, you'll be able to better understand this book. He goes through all of the points he made in the first book, but goes into more depth here.


Every couple goes through what Eggerichs has termed "The Crazy Cycle." In this book, he shows ways to get off of the crazy cycle and stay off for good -- which will obviously make your marriage a much happier one! A few of his main points are :

men and women are different -- not wrong, just different
women see things as pink and men see things as blue
we need to trust that our spouse is a goodwilled person
we need to decode everything being said
forgiveness is key

One of my favorite parts of the book is the CHAIRS and COUPLE he suggests to use to decode and energize our spouse. I found this book extremely helpful and a wonderful tool to learning how to decode and energize my spouse. I think Eggerichs has really found something important here and it's important that we listen to what he has to say because it works. If you have the perfect marriage [which no one does] or a not-so-perfect marriage, be sure to check out this book. If you're engaged, newly married, dating, or even waiting for the right person -- read this book! Anyone at any stage of life can benefit from the teaching of Eggerichs.

No text was provided for this review.