Nothing Doing

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Overview

Nothing Doing is a collection of short stories. An ode to misspent childhood, lost innocence and creeping depravity, blowing apart the American ideal of life spent in pursuit of wholesome activity. Written over a period of thirty years, these stories anatomize America's most vivid perversions and outsider fantasies with unmatched precision and wit, signalling underground legend Willie Smith's perfectly executed return to the literary world.
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More About This Book

Overview

Nothing Doing is a collection of short stories. An ode to misspent childhood, lost innocence and creeping depravity, blowing apart the American ideal of life spent in pursuit of wholesome activity. Written over a period of thirty years, these stories anatomize America's most vivid perversions and outsider fantasies with unmatched precision and wit, signalling underground legend Willie Smith's perfectly executed return to the literary world.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780956665898
  • Publisher: Honest Publishing
  • Publication date: 4/3/2012
  • Pages: 180
  • Product dimensions: 5.00 (w) x 8.00 (h) x 0.41 (d)

Read an Excerpt

The horniest picture I ever saw was in National Geographic. It was a spider's asshole magnified fifty times. Resembled a soggy Cheerio on a slate background.
I haven't been the same since. Because I wanna do me one, and no live spider is big enough to accommodate.
I've tried jacking off on arachnids. Wolf spiders and tarantulas the best. Daddy longlegs impossible. Scorpions a bitch. But I never come near the satisfaction gleaned that afternoon when I first drenched the National Geo full-color centerfold blown up to reveal a teensy parasite wriggling in some jungle spider's O ring.
You can't always get what you want. But, if you fixate, sometimes you get what you pay for. Visualize arachnoid roundeye.
One night I was jizzing a black widow - ejaculating without orgasm, bored with the universe. I turned some jazz on the radio, while watching the spider struggle under the shroud of ejaculate.
Goodman Benny inhaled clarinet. Jack Webb sat in. Max Roach fogged the chamber. They were in mixolydian - I heard a vodka tonic. Willie "The Lion” Smith masturbated the 88.
I daydreamed antiaircraft fire. Nazi flak redshifted into what I'd dine upon that night. Turkey Tetrachloride? Veal Hardon Blue? Fish Dicks? Spam Sushi? Only a wizard could decide which TV dinner, when all you got is a radio.
Imagine my lack of preparation, daydreaming as I was, when into the room clacked a spider big as a Buick. Eight pale legs supported a hispid, chartreuse body. She spun around. Hiked her crupper. Displayed a taut caterpillar green starfish.
Like in a dream, I approached the miracle. The chiton of her legs buckled with anticipation. I ran a finger over the sphincter that was tinier than a dowager's purse. She stood nervous, shy, to all appearances a virgin. She was dry as calculus. I ran to the kitchen for butter.
Wow, I thought, yanking open the fridge, a cherry hallucination! I froze, staring at a bearded carrot, a cube of butter, a plastic liter of Rococo Coke and a stutter of roaches that had wormed in under the door.
The roaches didn't appreciate the light. Several rotated feelers. But none broke ranks. The fridge was too cold, despite crumbling insulation, for them to panic at such a stimulus. The insect at the head of the line lifted a leg at the grate of the middle shelf, whereon lay the carrot abandoned by Bugs Bunny about the time of Hiroshima.
I guess I didn't have any TV dinners after all.
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