Private Parts

Read an Excerpt

It was mid-morning. Not much traffic. I turned the radio on. About half on hour later, it happened. I put my hand on my pants. I couldn't believe it. I had to pull over.

I pulled over into the shade. Someone one or two car lengths behind me certainly could have seen what I was doing, that's for damn sure! It was the first time I had ever done anything like this before. But the show was making me nuts that morning. I was beating off to a radio call-in show! Here I was in my business suit. I didn't wont to spill my love gunk all over my pants. What the hell could I come on? The only thing I could find was on old leather glove. I grabbed it. The girl was young, and she was being seduced by on older woman.

When she started talking about her 34D breasts and the fact that she was wearing no bra, that really got me turned on.

LISA: I'm a blonde. People tell me I look like Catherine Oxenberg. I have a really good body.

HOWARD STERN: How big are your breasts?

LISA: Thirty-six D, I think.

HOWARD: What do you mean, "I think"?

LISA: I never wear a bra, so I don't know how big I am. I think a D.

HOWARD: What about your waist?

LISA: Twenty-four.

HOWARD: Hips?

LISA: Thirty-six.

HOWARD: And you really dig lesbian sex?

LISA: Yes.

HOWARD: How old were you when you first had lesbian sex?

LISA: Eighteen.

HOWARD: Who with, a friend?

LISA: No, my mother's friend.

HOWARD: An older woman seduced you?!

LISA: Yes. She was thirty-two. I was very frightened when it happened but it ended up feeling good.

HOWARD: And you were fully developed ateighteen, were you not?

LISA: Well, yeah, I guess so.

HOWARD: Your breasts were a full D cup, your body had developed, you had hair on your body.

LISA: I sprouted out early.

HOWARD: Do you shave?

LISA: Yes, I do.

HOWARD: You groom very nicely?

LISA: Yes.

HOWARD: Yeah -- close - cropped?

LISA: Yes, very close-cropped.

HOWARD: Are you blond, uh, all over?

LISA: Light brown.

HOWARD: Really. Excellent!

ROBIN: Well, now, let me ask you something. This friend of your mother's, what did she look like?

LISA: Really dark hair. She looks like Demi Moore. With long legs and big breasts and stuff. She was thin and tall. She had a beautiful face.

HOWARD: So your mom was real young when she had you?

LISA: Yeah.

HOWARD: So, how did you end up with your mom's friend?

LISA: She would always come into my room and watch me change.

HOWARD: Had she ever seen you nude growing up?

LISA: Yeah, yeah.

HOWARD: Had she seen you nude at eleven, twelve?

LISA: I would say so.

HOWARD: Had she seen you nude at fifteen?

LISA: Yeah.

HOWARD: Oh, man, I'm so turned on. I'm aching, that's how horny I am for you because you look like Catherine Oxenberg from "Dynasty." The long blond hair, the perfect body -- perfect. And you've runway modeled. I'm offering you to the lesbian community today. Am I not the greatest friend of the lesbian community? Do lesbians adore Howard Stern? If any o' you friggin' homos say a bad thing about me again, I am going to complain to somebody in the gay organizations. So what were you wearing the day she came over? You were probably in your sleepwear, weren't you?

LISA: No, I was wearing a sundress.

HOWARD: Oh, my God -- I love that! A sundress! God, I'd have fun with you as my girlfriend. You know what I'd do? I'd just put you in different outfits every five minutes. Dress you like a Barbie doll. So there you are, eighteen, you're in high school, your mom's friend comes over, and you're wearing a sundress, with a kind of a low-cut top, short skirt . . .

LISA: Yeah.

HOWARD: . . . and you're showing off your beautiful long legs, right? And you're wearing heels?

LISA: Yes.

HOWARD: I can't stand up right now. Do you believe that? Why don't you stand up, Jackie "the Joke Man," [one of my writers]? You big-bellied bastard.

JACKIE: I don't have a hard-on.

HOWARD: Yeah, I don't know what you have. You got a one-inch penis, that's why. You're probably aroused -- no one can see it. All right, anyway -- where were we? So why did your mom's friend come over?

LISA: She was in the clothing business, so she brought a big bag of leather clothes and stuff, and she had this blue leather outfit for me to try on.

HOWARD: So she said, "Hey, this is a great outfit. Do you wanna try it on?"

LISA: Yeah, and I said, "Great." So we went upstairs and . . .

Listening to her first lesbian experience was more arousing than I imagined.

I wanted to come white she was telling the story. I loved Howard's lesbian stories. At least five different guys told me that they jerked off to the show. Especially the lesbian stories.

The story was getting better and better. I stroked and manipulated my shaft, careful not to hit the steering wheel. Careful not to pump too hard. I wanted this to last. I wanted to milk it for all it was worth.

HOWARD: So you go upstairs, you're in your sundress, you go in the room together, and you say, "Hey, I'll try this on. No big deal to try it on in front of her." Now, here you are, with one of the best bodies I've ever seen, and all of a sudden you take off your sundress. Now, under your sundress, are you wearing a bra?

LISA: No.

HOWARD: Panties?

LISA: Yes.

HOWARD: Are they thong panties?

LISA: No, just little white panties.

HOWARD: Little white panties.

LISA: So she said, "Well, why don't you take your clothes off so we can try the dress on?" So I did -- I unzipped my dress in the back, took it off, and put it on the bed. And I took my high heels off.

HOWARD: Mmm-hmm. So you're completely naked except for panties. And then what happened?

LISA: So I tried on the leather dress.

HOWARD: Was it very tight?

LISA: Very tight.

HOWARD: And skimpy?

LISA: It was really nice. And she zipped it up for me, and she looked at me, and she told me, "You look wonderful! You look great!"

HOWARD: And she's holding you when she tells you this?

LISA: No, she was standing behind me. We were looking in the mirror, and she was standing behind me, and looking at me. So I just said, "Thank you very much." And then I started walking toward the bed, to take the dress off, and she followed me, and she kinda like turned me around and sat me down on the bed.

HOWARD (low voice): Talk slow.

LISA: And then she . . . she held me.

HOWARD: She hugged you?

LISA: She put her arms -- yeah.

HOWARD: And you said . . .

LISA: She put her arms around me, you know.

HOWARD: From behind you?

LISA: No, in front of me.

HOWARD: In front of you.

LISA: She sat me down so I was facing her, and she put her arms around me and my face was . . .

HOWARD: . . . close to her . . .

LISA: Chest.

HOWARD: Your face was on her chest?

LISA: Yeah.

HOWARD: She held you and hugged you against her chest.

LISA: Yeah. I was very nervous. I didn't know what to do.

HOWARD: Did she kiss you?

LISA: She started caressing me and touching my arms and all.

HOWARD: And it felt good.

LISA: And I started to get aroused.

HOWARD: You got excited.

LISA: Yeah, I did.

HOWARD: You didn't resist.

LISA: Absolutely not.

HOWARD: You didn't say, "Hey, what's going on here? This is very unusual." Nothing.

LISA: No, no. No, I was --

HOWARD: And what did she say?

LISA: There were no words spoken after that.

HOWARD: No words spoken?

LISA: No, no.

HOWARD: She started caressing you, and then she did everything to you.

LISA: Yeah.

ROBIN: Did you do anything to her?

Oh man! I was about to come but I held back. I was late for work but I didn't give a shit. I cranked the volume up and closed my eyes.

LISA: She instructed me for about an hour.

HOWARD: Oh, I can picture that. Oh, man! My head's exploding!

LISA: Then she leaned over and kissed my mouth while she gently cupped my breasts.

My penis exploded like a volcano and my hot molten liquid poured into my leather glove, just as Howard said, "Oh, man! My head's exploding!" I threw the glove out the window to destroy the evidence and sped off to work. FUCKIN' HOWARD, RADIO GOD!

Can you believe this? My producer, Gary Dell'Abate (alias Baba gooey), actually knows this guy. And he knows five other guys who beat off to my show! It's a fucking epidemic. Now, when I think of my radio audience, I envision guys driving to work on the expressway, guys who need an opportunity to hear about lesbians.

Lesbianism, let's face it, is a godsend. Every man in the world is totally fascinated by those sisters of Sappho. I know I am. To have two girls doing wild things to each other with me in the sack would be unbelievable. And since I never got to experience any of that because I got happily married so fucking young, I have to do it vicariously.

Everyone loves good lesbian stories.

I had a caller named Jean tell us about her initiation, courtesy of her counselor at Girl Scout camp. Jean was a ripe fourteen at the time and her counselor was seventeen. They started by hanging out on rocks and having long talks.

"You mean you'd start talking about, 'Gee, what if other girls liked other girls?' " I asked.

"No, this was in the days of Donna Reed. We didn't even talk about sexuality per se. I didn't even have the word lesbian in my vocabulary," Jean said.

"I'm getting nervous with this story," I said. "I'm not hearing enough sex stuff."

"You're not giving me a chance!" Jean protested.

"It's a Friday - My audience isn't looking for Oprah," I prodded her. "What did your counselor look like? Was she cute?"

"Stunning," Jean said. "I only went for the good-looking ones. Absolutely gorgeous. She was five-ten, athletic."

"So she just all of a sudden starts kissing you?" I asked.

"I think I started kissing her first. Then we'd find opportunities to get in bed together. We slept in a tent and I had my bunk carefully positioned at the back of the tent, with the flap that faced the woods. She'd sneak out at night, slip up through the back flap, and climb into my bunk," Jean said.

"Were the other campers there?" I wondered.

"Yeah! The other five Girl Scouts were sleeping," Jean said.

"Wow!" I marveled.

"Yeah, and we'd fondle and pet and . . ."

"I'm never sending my kids to camp," I said.

"Years later, my mom said if she'd known that that's what I was going to camp for, she never would have sent me," Jean laughed.

"Hey Alison, if you're listening, chain the kids to bed," I warned my wife.

"It was like Club Med," Jean went on. "I had two counselors at one time the following year. I did it in a church with a counselor. There was a chapel out in the woods and we did it in the church on an overnight."

"Lesbians -- Oh, I love lesbians! I love lesbians!" I ranted.

Copyright © 1993, 1994 One Twelve Inc.