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You’ve eaten too much candy at Christmas…but have you ever eaten the face off a six-footstuffed Santa? You’ve seen gingerbread houses…but have you ever made your own gingerbread tenement? You’ve woken up with a hangover…but have you ever woken up next to Kris Kringle himself? Augusten Burroughs has, and in this caustically funny, nostalgic, poignant, and moving collection he recounts Christmases past and present—as only he could. With gimleteyed wit and illuminated prose, Augusten shows how the holidays bring out the worst in us and sometimes, just sometimes, the very, very best.
Augusten Burroughs is the author of Running with Scissors, Dry, Magical Thinking: True Stories, Possible Side Effects, and A Wolf at the Table. He is also the author of the novel Sellevision, which is currently in development for film. The film version of Running with Scissors, directed by Ryan Murphy and produced by Brad Pitt, was released in October 2006 and starred Joseph Cross, Brian Cox, Annette Bening (nominated for a Golden Globe for her role), Alec Baldwin and Evan Rachel Wood. Augusten's writing has appeared in numerous magazines and newspapers around the world including The New York Times and New York Magazine. In 2005 Entertainment Weekly named him one of “The 25 Funniest People in America.” He resides in New York City and Western Massachusetts.
Born Christopher Robison (he changed his name when he turned 18), Burroughs is the son of an alcoholic father who abandoned his family and a manic-depressive mother who fancied herself a poet in the style of Anne Sexton. At age 12, he was farmed out to his mother's psychiatrist, a deeply disturbed -- and disturbing -- man whose medical license was ultimately revoked for gross misconduct. In Running with Scissors, Burroughs recounts his life with the pseudonymous Finch family as an experience tantamount to being raised by wolves. The characters he describes are unforgettable: children of assorted ages running wild through a filthy, dilapidated Victorian house, totally unfettered by rules or inhibitions; a variety of deranged patients who take up residence with the Finches seemingly at will; and a 33-year-old pedophile who lives in the backyard shed and initiates an intense, openly homosexual relationship with the 13-year-old Burroughs right under the doctor's nose.
That he is able to wring humor and insight out of this shocking scenario is testimony to Burroughs's writing skill. Upon its publication in 2002, Scissors was hailed as "mordantly funny" (Los Angeles Times), "hilarious" (San Francisco Chronicle), and "sociologically suggestive and psychologically astute" (The New York Times). The book became a #1 bestseller and was turned into a 2006 movie starring Annette Bening, Alec Baldwin, and Joseph Fienes.
[Although the doctor who "raised" Burroughs was never named in the memoir, six members of the real-life family sued the author and his publisher for defamation, claiming that whole portions of the book were fabricated. Burroughs insisted that the book was entirely accurate but agreed in the 2007 settlement to change the wording of the author's note and acknowledgement in future editions of the book. He was never required to change a single word of the memoir itself.]
Since Running with Scissors, Burroughs has mined snippets of his life for more bestsellers, including further installments of his memoir (Dry, A Wolf at the Table) and several well-received collections of razor-sharp essays. His writing continues to appear in newspapers and magazines around the world, and he is a regular contributor to National Public Radio's Morning Edition.
"When I was very young, maybe six or seven, I used to make little books out of construction paper and wallpaper. Then I'd sew the spine of the book with a needle and thread. Only after I had the actual book did I sit down with a pencil and write the text. I actually still have one of these little books and it's titled, obliquely, Little Book."
"Well, all of a sudden I am obsessed with PMC. For those of you who think I am speaking about plastic plumbing fixtures, I am not. PMC stands for Precious Metal Clay. And it works just like clay clay. You can shape it into anything you want. But after you fire it, you have something made of solid 22k gold or silver. So you want to be very careful. Anyway, I plan to make dog tags. So there's something."
"I'm a huge fan of English shortbread cookies, of anything English really. I very nearly worship David Strathairn. And I'm afraid that if I ever return to Sydney, Australia, I may not return."
"I will never refuse potato chips or buttered popcorn cooked in one of those thingamajigs you crank on top of the stove."
"And my politics could be considered extreme, as I truly believe that people who molest or otherwise abuse children should be buried in pits. And I do believe our country has been served by white male presidents quite enough for the next few hundred years. I really could go on and on here, so I'd best stop."
You Better Not Cry t’s not that I was an outright nitwit of a child. IIt’s that the things even a nitwit could do with little or no instruction often confused me. Simple, everyday sorts of things tripped me up. Stacking metal chairs, for example. Everybody in class just seemed to know exactly how to fold the seat up into the back and then nest them all together like Pringles potato chips. I sat on the floor for ten minutes with one of the things as if somebody had told me to just stare at it. Concentrate hard, Augusten, try and turn it into an eggplant with your mind. You can do it! The other children appeared to be born with some sort of innate knowledge, as though the action of folding and stacking child-size metal school chairs was gene tically encoded within each of them, like fi ngernails or a sigmoid colon.
I seemed to lack the ability to comprehend the obvious. From the very beginning there had been warning signs.
Like every kid just starting school, I had to memorize the Pledge of Allegiance—something that would in many towns today be considered prayer and therefore forbidden; akin to forcing a child to drink the blood of a sacrificial goat or unfurl a Tabriz prayer rug and kneel barefoot on it while facing Mecca.
While I managed to learn the words, memorizing isn’t the same as understanding. And of course I was never tested on the meaning of the pledge. It must have simply been taken for granted that even the dimmest child would easily grasp the meaning of a phrase such as I pledge allegiance, especially when that phrase was spoken while standing at strict attention and facing the American flag, hand in a salute above the heart. There was so little room for misinterpretation. It was the Pledge of Allegiance, not Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
Still. If one of the teachers had asked me to explain the meaning of those words—which I chanted parrot- minded and smiling each morning—they certainly would have been shocked to hear me admit that while I didn’t know exactly what it was about, I knew it had something to do with Pledge, the same furniture polish my mother used and that always, inexplicably, made me feel sunny. So each morning as I spoke those hallowed words, it was the bright yellow can with the glowing lemony scent that I pictured.
Excerpted from You Better Not Cry by Augusten Burroughs.
Copyright © 2009 by Island Road, LLC.
Published in November 2009 by St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. This work is protected under copyright laws and reproduction is strictly prohibited. Permission to reproduce the material in any manner or medium must be secured from the Publisher.
You Better Not Cry 1
And Two Eyes Made Out of Coal 35
Claus and Effect 49
Ask Again Later 77
Why Do You Reward Me Thus? 101
The Best and Only Everything 129
Silent Night 167
I am a fan of Augusten Burroughs, but his most recent book 'You Better Not Cry' isn't his best work. The first half of the book was what I expected, funny yet sad and touching stories of Christmases past in which Burroughs details in his usual humorous fashion, the goings on in his dysfunctional family and early adult life. But, the second half of the book has very little humor to it, and is really just a sad account of difficult Christmases during his adult life and his reflections on the direction his life has taken.
I am a fan of Burroughs because he lays out the ugly truth of his dysfunctional family, but does it in a humorous and entertaining way that keeps you engaged in his story. But, in reflecting on Christmases past it seems that Burroughs has become a bit more melancholy than normal. I would still recommend this book to fans of Burroughs work, but not as a book of funny or entertaining Christmas stories.
3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.I LOVE Augusten Burroughs, and I'm only giving this book three stars because his other books are so particularly stellar, and this one pales slightly in comparison. Also, if you haven't read him before, I wouldn't start with this one. It helps to know a little about his back story. I felt that the stories in this one were just slightly too disjointed and didn't flow as seamlessly as they could have. However, all of that said, it is still a poignant and funny book, great for anyone who flinches at the thought of more saccharine holiday fare. I especially enjoyed his account of a Christmas spent with New York City's...domicile-challenged. And his memories of his extreme yuletide enthusiasm as a child are fantastic. All in all, it's not his best work, but it is a fun and easy read for the holidays.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.I really wanted to like this book, but it never quite grabbed me. I've heard a lot of people talk about how funny Burroughs's books are and thought I would give one a try. Perhaps I picked the wrong one to start with, but I did not find it as funny as some of the reviews I saw published rated it. To be honest a lot of it seemed more sad than funny. I realize he was trying to add humor to tough times he dealt with at Christmas, but waking up in a hotel room with a stranger who looked and dressed as Santa was scary to me, not funny. I did enjoy the movie "Running with Scissors" so maybe I should have started with that one instead. I most enjoyed when he got to know the homeless people who spent time on his street and saw that homelessness can happen to anyone depending on circumstances and drug use. I was glad to see that he stopped drinking since many of the unfortunate situations he found himself in were a result of overindulgence. It could just be that this type of humor is not for me.
http://bookbookseverywhere.blogspot.com/
2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted November 1, 2009
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This book was funny and light at the beginning as Burroughs recalled his childhood and young adult memories, but as the book progresses it becomes more and more touching. Burroughs perfectly captured the inspirational and heart-warming qualities so often associated with Christmas. In short: the shocking, dark humor that Burroughs is famous for is present, but the more serious, thoughtful side is present as well.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Burroughs is back, this time with a Christmas memoir. I first discovered Burroughs about 3 years ago and read every book he had written to date in one month. My friend and I both fell in love with him during the same summer. He is so irreverent and brutally honest. I wrote down pages and pages of quotations as I read Dry and Magical Thinking. Needless to say, I practically peed on myself when I found out he was coming out with another book.
The memoir starts out rocky for me.Arranged chronologically, his first two or three stories are funny, but not overly so, and something about the first story made me downright uncomfortable. There were great moments, though. Burroughs goes into great detail of his long battle of alcoholism in his memoir Dry, and "Why do you reward me thus" features a Christmas when he goes on a drinking binge and literally wakes up huddled between two honest-to-goodness homeless bums. Or how about waking up next to a fat and dirty Santa in "Ask again later."
Where Burroughs truly shines is when he is talking about his relationships with George and Dennis. His writing that at times can be crude and completely in your face is immediately tender when talking about those he has loved in the collection's last two stories, "The Best and Only Everything" and "Silent Night." Fans of the irreverent memoir or of Augusten's earlier work will appreciate most of the stories in the collection, especially the last two.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted January 2, 2010
Starts out funny then becomes depressing (almost disturbing). After reading I decided not to add it to my library.
1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.edwPA
Posted December 27, 2009
Pooely written, not funny, nor, interesting, a total disaster. I gave it away before fininshing it.
1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.I really wanted to like this book, but it never quite grabbed me. I've heard a lot of people talk about how funny Burroughs's books are and thought I would give one a try. Perhaps I picked the wrong one to start with, but I did not find it as funny as some of the reviews I saw published rated it. To be honest a lot of it seemed more sad than funny. I realize he was trying to add humor to tough times he dealt with at Christmas, but waking up in a hotel room with a stranger who looked and dressed as Santa was scary to me, not funny. I did enjoy the movie "Running with Scissors" so maybe I should have started with that one instead. I most enjoyed when he got to know the homeless people who spent time on his street and saw that homelessness can happen to anyone depending on circumstances and drug use. I was glad to see that he stopped drinking since many of the unfortunate situations he found himself in were a result of overindulgence. It could just be that this type of humor is not for me.
http://bookbookseverywhere.blogspot.com/
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.ChristinaDLC
Posted May 3, 2012
This book is laugh out loud hilarious. This is the perfect addition to my home library. This book is fun enough to read during Christmas or during the summer. Get it, read it then be prepared to wipe your tears.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted November 16, 2011
I like the writer. I liked the book.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.8934866
Posted September 20, 2011
This.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.sru
Posted March 23, 2011
I did not cry when I read this around the holidays in 2010.
I was looking for something not to heavy and most definitely funny.
I wasn't disappointed during the first short story. However, after that the book went kind of to the dark side a little too much for me. It was not so bad that I put it down.I wound up reading the rest out of curiosity. All in all I give a 3 out of 5.
Augusten Burroughs has easily become one of my favorite authors, coming in at number 2 on my top ten favorite authors list. (Sorry Mr. Burroughs, you would be number one had I never read the works of Jane Austen) His self-depreciating writing style makes you laugh and cringe at the same time; laugh with the stories of his odd childhood and cringe at how horrible some parts of his alcoholic and childhood days were. He is unafraid of telling stories about his abusive/alcoholic father, his crazy (literally!) mother, his brother who was diagnosed with Aspergers, and his own life as a former alcoholic. His writing is honest, witty, and courageous as he pours his heart and soul into his words.
You Better Not Cryis filled with stories that range from Augusten's Christmases from childhood to adulthood and include everything from him eating the face off a styrofoam santa, a drunken Christmas as a bum, losing the love of his life, and many more. In reading the novel you realize that each Christmas is worse than the last one, yet true to the Christmas spirit there is a small glimmer of hope and happiness in each story.
My favorite of the stories has to be the Christmas when Augusten was alone in NYC and got so drunk that he woke up sleeping outside of a theater with a bum on each side of him. He apparently decided that he wanted to know what it was like to be a bum: buying the local bums sandwiches, giving them money, and just "living" with them across the street from his apartment. Upon waking from his drunken stupor he comes to find out that one of the bums, Shirley, used to be a singer but lost it all to alcohol addiction. After a long conversation, Augusten realizes what his addiction is doing to him and is scared of where his life is headed. Shirley tells him that he the night before, he told her his life story and how he had some much he wanted to write about. She implores him to begin writing to get his life back in order.
"She continued, 'And if I could, I would ask that you write. You kept saying last night that you had 'whole worlds' inside of you that you needed to get out. Well, get them out, my dear. Focus on this. On something positive for yourself. And for others. I would ask you to set those worlds free.'"
I guess we can all thank Shirley for telling Augusten this. The literary world truly is a better place for having him in it. But I digress; as I stated earlier the stories each have a small glimmer of hope in them, and in this one it's the fact that he is scared straight. He is convinced that he does not want to end up on the street as a bum and is finally scared that he could. (If you want to read more about his alcoholic days and his struggle with rehabilitating his life check out Dry)
This book embodies what the Christmas spirit is about. No matter what is going on around you or how bad your actual holiday is, there is always hope. This is Augusten's mantra and it rings true for all his books.
If you are an Augusten fan then this is an absolute must read for you. For those who haven't read him, it's a great place to start. Of all his books, besides Dry, this has the best message. I heartily encourage all to read this book.
Kimberly (Reflections of a Book Addict)
Anonymous
Posted January 17, 2011
A little silliness is fine, but there weren't enough clues (to someone just looking for a little Christmas humor)about the real subject/intended audience of this book. I threw it away instead of passing it on to anyone. Terrible.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 22, 2010
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Enjoyed the book. It was a little short but overall enjoyed reading it. Was really cracked up by the childhood remembrances of Christmas.The imagery is hilarious of the early Christmases.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.MakeItStop
Posted January 16, 2010
I had hoped to find a darkly comic holiday book but was left flat by this one. Do yourself a favor and stick with Holidays On Ice.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged."You Better Not Cry" collects stories and recollections by Augusten Burroughs of the Christmas holiday, its icons, or events of his life that just happened to occur around December 25. The sum of the stories is one man's search for the perfect idealized Christmas after many failed ones throughout a lifetime. Each story/chapter shows Burroughs at a different stage of his life, progressively getting older.
What I've loved about Burroughs' memoirs in the past is his ability to make us laugh at his miseries or feel amazed at the preposterousness of a situation. As the underdog, I rooted for him. When sharing his poor dating choices, I've commiserated. In this collection of Christmas stories, though, those feelings are missing. Many times, he just comes off as an a**hole. I didn't -- and couldn't -- feel sorry for him and actually felt that the reason for a lot of his misery is payback. A devious, spoiled kid who pouts and makes his parents miserable because he wants a pony and gold nuggets for Christmas? An alcoholic man who is repulsed in the morning when he wakes up in a hotel room with an old man dressed as Santa and verbally abuses him for his own bad judgment? Karma, my friend. Karma.
While I'm happy that Burroughs has finally found the relationship, family, and life he's always been searching for, I didn't feel the stories included in this collection were a good representation of those desires. This book also isn't a good starting place for any Burroughs novices. It doesn't display the dark humor and dry wit for which Burroughs is known, and that makes my Christmas a little bit sadder.
The first half of the book was hilarious! I burst out in laughter on more than one occasion. But the later half of the book was downright depressing. Maybe it wasn't nearly as depressing as it felt but when you go from laughing to sad, it feels like a profound change. The mood picked up afterwards but by that point the whole mood changed so it was hard to get back into the jollyness.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 2, 2010
This was very different than the other books by Augusten. But in any case I loved it. It made me cry and laugh at the same time. His writings are awesome, very unique. Loved it.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted December 27, 2009
This book was awful. The so-called story was atrocious. Nothing whatsoever that I expected. Would not recommend to anyone.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Overview
You’ve eaten too much candy at Christmas…but have you ever eaten the face off a six-footstuffed Santa? You’ve seen gingerbread houses…but have you ever made your own gingerbread tenement? You’ve woken up with a hangover…but have you ever woken up next to Kris Kringle himself? Augusten Burroughs has, and in this caustically funny, nostalgic, poignant, and moving collection he recounts Christmases past and present—as only he could. With gimleteyed wit and illuminated prose, Augusten shows how the holidays bring out the worst in us and sometimes, just sometimes, the very, very best.