Feminist Book Club: Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies

The introduction to Rebecca Traister’s new book, All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, features some fascinating numbers. In 2009, Traister tells us that the percentage of married American women fell below 50 percent for the first time in recorded history. Even more impressive is the median age of marriage, which had remained between 20 and 22 from 1890–1980. It is now 27. Perhaps most significant of all is that fact that, in 1960, 60 percent of Americans were wedded by age 29. Now? That number has plummeted to 20 percent.
No matter our individual opinions on the tectonic shifts in marriage practices, one thing seems clear—we’re on the crest of a new era. Customs that remained relatively stagnant in the American social landscape for centuries began to roil in the latter half of the twentieth century, and we’re only beginning to experience the full effects of that changing tide. All the Single Ladies may well be the The Feminine Mystique of our time—a book that gives voice to our collective experience as it unfolds before our eyes. With poignant, real-life vignettes and sharp cultural commentary, Traister holds up a mirror to the dreams, struggles, and triumphs of women in all walks of life.

This book positively shines in placing women’s current status where it is best understood: within a larger historical context. In this regard, Traister leaves no stone unturned. She painstakingly explores the ways in which culture has limited women’s ability to control their own destinies in each epoch of American history. From colonial Massachusetts’ constrictive property laws, to the Comstock Act’s provisions against contraceptive knowledge, to the advertising industry’s “cult of domesticity,” Traister makes an airtight case for women’s agency as chronically curtailed, especially that of non-white women. Throughout the book, Traister makes clear that our society is predicated on a set of underlying assumptions—namely, that women are doing a ton of unpaid work in the form of housekeeping and childrearing. Since women have entered the workforce in droves, Traister states that no system has arisen to fill the needs of the family unit. Our corporations behave as though each worker still has a wife at home happily scrubbing floors and children before getting a piping hot dinner on the table by half past five. Traister also points out that women’s work outside the home is often underpaid, referencing the phenomenon of so-called “pink collar” jobs, in which the standard of pay often drops in direct correlation to the growing proportion of women who perform those jobs.

These and other factors have contributed to the choice of many women to delay marriage or forego it altogether. All the Single Ladies tells the story of our slow-but-certain trajectory toward seeing delayed marriage or lifelong singlehood as on par with traditional marriage, rather than the consolation for it. As evidence of our shifting attitudes, Traister cites the changing television landscape. It is absolutely captivating to read about how we as a nation went from watching Leave it to Beaver to Roseanne, from Mary Tyler Moore to How to Get Away with Murder. We are no longer scandalized by the portrayal of women unpartnered, forging high-powered careers and plunking down a chunk of change on a nice condo like they own the place. It is, thankfully, a big part of our new normal. Traister does a fantastic job of outlining all the supporting factors that make this possible—from the centrality of female friendships, to communities that support women’s independence, to the normalization of divorce and single-parent adoption.
Counterintuitively, this book devotes a good deal of time to explaining how protracted singlehood contributes to the health of marriage as an institution. Of course, it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Generally speaking, two fully formed, emotionally mature, reasonably financially stable individuals who know what they want and who they are will likely do better than two 22-year-olds at creating a happy, lasting marriage. In addition, All the Single Ladies doesn’t forget about the men. Traister poignantly makes a case that, when women are respected as equals and partners, men are given the opportunity to rise to the occasion as true collaborators, kind, supportive peers, and nurturing co-parents. It’s a win-win for everyone.  

I cannot say enough good things about this book, but perhaps its greatest triumph is its inclusiveness. In particular, Traister is careful to detail the ways in which Black and Latina women’s struggles have differed from (and often been far more oppressive than) those of white women. In addition, lesbian life and culture is well-represented. Traister evades the trap of painting with too wide a brush by using vignettes of real women’s lives, complete with “where are they now” updates on each woman in the appendix.
All the Single Ladies is part history book, part feminist manifesto, and part scathing social critique. Written in a precise yet conversational and witty tone, this book balances levity with serious subject matter. While Traister pulls no punches, she also gives the reader plenty of hope. The book proclaims that all the ladies, single or otherwise, are on an upward spiral—like it or not.
Next month’s selection: Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth, by Warsan Shire