Magical Items You’d Regret Wishing were Real

The One Ring from The Lord of the Rings
Yes, even if you’re a weak-minded, largely unimportant little person, the Ring will at the very least make you invisible, allowing you to do all sorts of amazing things, like avoid your boss or sneak into movies without paying. If you have the willpower, though, you might be able to it to build a mighty empire and live more or less forever. Sounds good! Except, of course, for the giant Eye of Sauron staring at you all the time, the Ring’s tendency to slip off your hand the second someone better comes along, and the whole “getting-spread-thin-like-butter-over-too-much-bread-until-you-vanish-and-become-a-Ringwraith” thing. No, wait, forget that last one: Terrorize everyone and ride a frickin’ Nazgûl? Sign me up for Ringwraith Academy.

The Elder Wand from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Sure, possessing the most powerful wand that renders you (almost) impossible to defeat should be kind of great. You can waltz into any place you please, stir everyone up, and when they try to fight back, you can go all casual, like, “Sure, I’ll fight you, just let me get out my …ELDER WAND!” and laugh as everyone suddenly realizes they have other things to do. The problem is that the Elder Wand is kind of a jerk, and will more than likely switch allegiances to your opponent just as you’re about to destroy him, and the last thing you’ll hear before being zapped into that great train station in the sky will be a distant, magical Sad Trombone.

Excalibur from King Arthur
Sure, magic swords are super cool. Magic unbreakable swords that also convey entire kingdoms to you just for picking them up them are even cooler: One second you’re a slender peasant boy being bullied about, the next you’re surrounded by an entire army of badass knights, claiming a throne you are almost totally unprepared for! HUZZAH! The problem? Pulling that sword basically means you just got the World’s Worst Job. Sure, if we’re talking about modern England it’s tempting; modern monarchs don’t do much, and get to live in palaces, and probably get the new iPhone before everyone else. But spending the next two decades of your life sweating in armor and fighting endless battles in a time without indoor plumbing (or iPhones)? No thank you.

Earthblood from The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
Earthblood, High Lord Kevin’s Seventh Ward, designed to be found only when the new Lords of the The Land had recovered the strength and wisdom of the ancients, grants any who consume it the one-time Power of Command. That means, once, they can make basically anything happen by commanding it. That’s pretty kickass. Except for two things:If the tale of the Monkey’s Paw taught us anything, it’s to be careful what you wish for. And two, you only get to use it once. As in The Illearth War, in which the long-dead High Lord Kevin is commanded to return from the dead and battle evil…with disastrous results, the chances that your command to have delivered to you a truly endless bucket of fried chicken will blow up in your face are pretty high, and you don’t get a do-over. Pass.

The lesson here is simple enough: Magic items are tricksy, and you are probably not worthy. By the time you figure out that you’re not worthy, you’re a Ringwraith, or you’ve ended the world, or at the very least, you’ve lost your job due to an inopportune invisibility malfunction. Still wish those magical items actually existed?
Yeah, me too. Sigh.