New Year’s Resolutions from Our Favorite Literary Characters

“Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: Always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket. Equally important, will find sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobic’s, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional ____wits or perverts.” –Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones’ Diary, by Helen Fielding)
As always, the wisdom of Bridget Jones applies universally to all mankind. Perhaps you don’t personally need to lose 20 pounds, but placing used underwear in the appropriate place is always a good idea, and if you’re not in the market for a boyfriend specifically, it’s pretty universal that avoiding “alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional ____wits or perverts” is a good idea. Out of sympathy for everyone already panicking about this list, we won’t mention Bridget’s vows to smoke less, drink less, and eat more sensibly.

“No one ever keeps ’em, so what’s the point?”–Rachel Knight (Guilt by Association, by Marcia Clark)
The quote actually comes from a short story Clark—the infamous former prosecutor in the O.J. Simpson case—posted on her publisher’s website, but the sentiment is so universal, it demands inclusion. After all, nearly as universal as making a New Year’s resolution is the time-honored act of breaking one. Meanwhile, Clark’s mysteries continue to surprise with the quality of her writing, plotting, and character development; her brainy, stubborn assistant district attorney Knight is a delight in the mold of Kinsey Millhone or Stephanie Plum, with gravitas lent by the author’s real-world experience.

“My New Year’s resolution is a far more selfish one than last year. It is to make my motto, eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, you may be dead.”–Pauline Parker (The Search for Anne Perry, by Joanne Drayton)
This excellent advice from a potential sociopath isn’t fiction, actually—it’s from the diary of Pauline Parker, who murdered her own mother in 1954 with the help of her friend Juliet Hulme. Hulme and Parker were juveniles, and so despite being convicted of the crime were released five years later. Hulme took on a new name—Anne Perry—and went on to become an acclaimed crime fiction writer until her identity was revealed after Peter Jackson’s Heavenly Creatures film revisited the case.

“Must scold, must nag, mustn’t be too pretty in the mornings.” –Nora Charles (After the Thin Man, by Dashiell Hammett)
This quote doesn’t actually appear in Hammett’s classic novel The Thin Man; it’s spoken in the second Thin Man film, also written by Hammett. Nora is responding to her husband Nick’s question about New Year’s resolutions; she asks if he has any complaints and he tells her no: “You don’t scold, you don’t nag, and you look far too pretty in the mornings.” While her lovingly sarcastic response is evidence of Hammett’s talent for the rhythm of speech (and devastating zingers), it’s also a freeing resolution for anyone who’s married.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.”–Paul Atreides (Dune, by Frank Herbert)
Do they even have “New Year’s” in Herbert’s classic science fiction universe? Likely not, and yet this mantra, spoken by Paul Atreides and repeated elsewhere by other characters, is an excellent all-purpose resolution for anyone in any circumstance. Imagine yourself on a rooftop—or in a bathroom—quietly reciting it, and a year of infinite possibilities will open up before you, tempting and exhilarating.