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The Biggest Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers (That We Probably Made Up)
When J.J. Abrams invited some of us down to Star Wars Central (which is totally what it’s called) for an early screening of the new Star Wars movie, I couldn’t say no. All of our favorite actors were there, along with newcomers soon to be just as beloved. Carrie Fisher even brought her dog, Gary! And Adam Driver made popcorn, which was super cool of him. He has this trick involving almond oil and a hint of tabasco sauce that makes for a perfect movie snack. I even got to pilot BB-8, and nobody was mad when I accidentally crashed him into Harrison Ford’s car. ’twas all in good fun, after all. My mom was totally adorable when I told her about it: asking me if I got to see the real Starship Enterprise. Geez, mom!
OK, yeah, none of that happened.
Or did it?
It didn’t. I do a lot of wishful drinking. Oh, except for the part about my mom thinking that Star Wars is the one with Spock. However, these spoilers might be true. How would I know? I won’t see the movie until tonight. So live long, prosper, and enjoy these maybe true reveals (almost definitely not true) from Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
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Score 1 for Spoilers
Star Wars fans have long memories, and many of us can still recall with shock the major spoiler revealed when the early soundtrack to Episode I: The Phantom Menace included the track “The Funeral of Qui-Gon.” Was it sly misdirection? Nope.
Well, they did it again.
We can confirm the shockingly spoiler-y nature of several track titles from John Williams’ new soundtrack. Of particular interest are track 3: “Luke Dies;” track 7: “Leia Dies;” and track 12: Boba Fett Dies Again.”
The one that makes meesa really sad? #13: “Jar-Jar Binks is Alive.”
(We’ll have to wait for confirmation on the hidden bonus track: “Lando Dies in the Next One.”)
Return of a Jedi
More Qui-Gon Jinn: Liam Neeson makes a surprise appearance, utilizing his “very particular set of skills” in a bizarre subplot involving an Ewok whom he believes to have been involved with the kidnapping of his daughter. The fur really flies (!), and the ensuing carnage more than earns the film’s PG-13 rating.
So. Much. Fur.
“You’ll Never Get Me Kyber Crystals!”
Green-clad, rainbow-loving, gold-hunting alien Tiggity O-Shaughnessy, a remnant of an early George Lucas draft, receives mercifully little screen time.
J.J. Strikes Back
J.J. Abrams took a lot of heat following the release of 2013’s Star Trek Into Darkness for vehemently denying Benedict Cumberbatch was playing archnemesis Khan Noonien Singh. He’s at it again! Despite repeated denials, the film confirms what we’ve been speculating all along: Max Von Sydow’s character is, in fact: Khan.
Sorry: “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan”…is I think how you spell it. Editor? [Only 11 “a”s in “Kaaaaaaaaaaan.” – .ed]
Spellcheck
Speaking of editing: a major mistake involving Gwendoline Christie’s “Captain Phasma” made it into the movie.
It’s spelled “Plasma” guys. P-L-A-S-M-A.
J.J. Strikes Back, Part Two
Even though Abrams has denied the existence of a stinger, one exists: the post-credits scene features Harrison Ford collecting a paycheck and flying recklessly off into the sunset.
So, those are all things that are probably in the movie. Ahem. One spoiler we’re sure of? As you’re waiting in line, some guy coming out will tell you that Vader is Luke’s father, and be very impressed with himself. Just smile and nod. Because, while his journey is over, yours is just beginning.