We Debate the Question in Dr. Seuss’s What Pet Should I Get?

The Sneetches (from The Sneetches and Other Stories)
We cannot fault the poor Sneetches; they know not what they do. Big Bird’s less elegantly coifed cousins are the victims of their own Shakespearean hubris, a fate that could befall any of us. Theirs is a classic story of the danger of discrimination, told, in typical Seuss fashion, through fantastical creatures. But it would be awful for two cherubs to walk down to the pet shop or Sneetch rescue organization and get their heart set on a green-starred Sneetch, only to find that 20 minutes later the star was gone from the hide of their hoity-toity pet.

Fox in Socks
At first glance, Fox seems like an adorable, intelligent, and well-dressed pet. But that thought comes before one of the tongue-twisters he has nourished devours you whole. Then it’s bada bing bada boom, Tweetle Beetle: you’ve turned from a perfectly sensible person into a maniac who stuffs foxes into bottles. (The poodle eating noodles, however, would be a fine choice for a canine companion.)

Yertle the Turtle
Yertle is one of the most marvelous Seuss characters, mostly because he proves that Machiavelli’s The Prince would have been better if written in anapestic tetrameter. There is also the matter of his demise, sparked by an errant burp. If that isn’t poetic justice, I don’t know what is. The important thing to remember, though, is that however delightful it is to read about a turtle with a Napoleon complex, it would be decidedly less whimsical if he made you lie face first in the mud while he slowly walked over you.

Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz (from Dr. Seuss’s ABC)
The Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz has no disagreeable personality traits that I am aware of, but if I had run across it in my dark bedroom as a child, I would have needed new sheets. It has Pippi Longstocking’s hair, an alligator snout, and a body covered in lush pink-and-white shag carpet. The way the Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz is leisurely sprawled across the grass when Ichabod and Izzy (who, to be fair, are anthropomorphic dogs) find it, pretty well ensures that there is the squished body of some unfortunate soul under that patchwork behind.

The Pale Green Pants (from The Sneetches and Other Stories)
OK, so they’re not an animal, but they are terrifying (moral of the story aside). Poor, poor empty pants.

Morton the Elephant Bird (from Horton Hatches the Egg)
For his sake, I’m so, so glad custody of Morton fell to his sweet, kind, benevolent father and hatcher Horton. But can you imagine the upkeep and veterinary confusion for an elephant bird? And the supervision required! Not only can he suck up all your circus peanuts, he can perform the feat aerially. Morton, like Horton, is better left to the jungle.

Foo Foo the Snoo (from I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!)
Little known fact: the alternate title for this book was Can I Read With My Eyes Shut? Because oh wow, look at Foo Foo the Snoo: the horns of a demon, the body of Daffy Duck, the shifty eyes of a cat burglar, and the floral pattern of your great aunt Rosemary’s foyer. Everyone was fine learning about Jake the pillow snake. Nobody came back from glancing at Foo Foo.

Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose
Don’t get me wrong: Thidwick is a wonderful animal and fine companion, but check his antlers for unwanted guests before you bring him home. He has a tendency to let the wrong crowd hang around.