Gila Monsters Meet You at the Airport

"I live at 165 East 95th Street, and I'm going to stay here forever." says the young hero firmly. After all, out West nobody plays baseball because they're too busy chasing buffaloes, and you have to ride a horse to school even if you don't know how, and you can't sit down because of the cactus. But his parents are moving West, and they say he has to go, too.
Once there, however, the boy doesn't meet the Gila monsters he expected. And on the ride to his new home (by taxi, not horse) he disc...