A Promise Made Is a Promise Kept

by Matthew D. Jones Jr., LMSW, ACSW

Overview

“A must-read, it is clear and complete for those contemplating marriage for the first time. It is very informative and discusses the important factors of having a blessed and meaningful marriage. It challenges one’s thinking in a blunt way.”

—Tracy Taylor

“I have been married since April, 1973, and wish I had read an insightful book like this. It’s a comprehensive yet concise focus of an important and complicated subject. A book of candor, practicality, and precision. I’ll be recommending it to both of my children and anyone I know who is planning to get married.”

—Myra Tucker

“The book is powerful, profound, and comprehensive. It connects the history of marriage with the current institution we have inherited. It is well documented that half of all marriages may end in divorce, but love still prevails. This book, if read with an open and honest mind, could no doubt have a positive impact on improving the survival of marriages as we know it today. I highly recommend the book.”

—Wes Johnson

“The book is done in a thoughtful and sensitive manner on such an important issue. Marriage is the most important decision two people will make in life. Why? Because you are partners for life. Matt 19:5:6 says, ‘and they twain shall be one flesh. Wherefore, they are no more twain, but one flesh.’ Prayer and good communication is very important for a marriage to last.”

—Pastor Ken Anderson

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781462028085
Publisher:	iUniverse, Incorporated
Publication date:	06/09/2011
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
File size:	407 KB

Read an Excerpt

A Promise Made Is a Promise Kept

A Practical Guide for Strengthening Relationships and Having a Happy and Loving Marriage

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By Matthew D. Jones Jr.

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Matthew D. Jones Jr.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-2807-8

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Chapter One

The Purpose of Marriage

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The purpose of marriage is to be found in the acceptance of God's will that the covenant relationship of husband and wife, both made in the image of God, shall be an image of his covenant relationship with his people. Marriage is the supreme expression of the togetherness of man and woman. Changing the way we look at marriage will result in changing the way we look at our mates. When we come to see marriage as a covenant, we are able to love our spouses in ways and at levels we never expected. But we must do more than simply understand covenant; we must begin to articulate covenant promises on a regular basis. And more than simply talking the talk, we must walk the walk. By applying the principles of covenant on a consistent basis, our marriages will become stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling than we ever thought possible.

There are good marriages and there are bad marriages. The spectrum goes from heavenly accord to hellish discord. However, all relationships, good or bad, have one common quality. Those partners who have a bad marriage have chosen—have actually contracted—to have a bad marriage. And even though they may protest their condition, they still make daily choices to maintain the miseries of their relationship.

Likewise, the partners who have a good marriage have chosen—have actually contracted—to have a good marriage. And they make daily choices to build their relationship into an even better one. The law of attraction says that like attracts like, and that an individual will go through life attracting the same kind of scenes, problems, and people until that individual changes (this means, of course, until the individual changes his or her behavior). By choosing to change your behavior you can choose to change your marriage. The couples who want to make choices, who are sufficiently eager to prove their relationship and are willing to modify their behavior, will have very satisfying marriages. I believe that two individuals in their unique long-term relationship, like everything else in life, will experience a change. The behavioral interactions that produce joys today may become obsolete with the passage of time or the development of circumstances. Therefore, it is important that couples become aware of the changes within themselves and their life together, and learn how to adjust so that the levels of satisfaction remain high and the marriage is successful and lasts forever.

Issues couples need to consider and discuss while dating that will help to decide if their marriage will work:

* Religious beliefs

* Values, beliefs, and expectations

* Love versus compatibility

* Emotional openness versus integrity

* Personal exploration from birth to present relationship

* Maturity and responsibility

* Commitment and perseverance through life with examples

* Financial literacy

* The changing seasons of life, love, and personal growth

Chapter Two

Effects of Friends and Family

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Exploring the Way They Affect Your Relationship

"I'm drained. I feel as if I'm splitting myself between my fiancé and my mother [or parents]." How many women have said this? When a couple meet at the altar to join hearts and lives, part of the vow they take is to forsake all others. The success of a marriage may hinge on how well they deal with issues that arise among those closest to them: their family and friends. When couples have been dating for a period of time and decide to marry, they need to have an in-depth discussion about the type of relationships each person has with family and friends and their level of influence. The people with the highest level of influence will have the greatest effect on the marriage, because they are the ones from whom the couple will seek advice and guidance as the relationship grows. Couples need to discuss how others affect their relationship. For example, parents will always have something to say about the couple, and that's okay; the problem comes when the husband or wife tries to incorporate certain comments or actions that are clearly opposite to what their partner has said or wants to do in the relationship. The partner needs to honor his or her spouse. If the couple disagrees about something, that's okay, but people should never try to override what their partners said and go along with what a parent is saying just because it sounds right. Animosity may set in, especially with men, who are likely to say, "I'm the man of my home, not your parents." Even people who like their spouse's parent may still reject the comments. Family and friends tend not to look objectively at the relationship. Having disagreements is healthy, and couples just have to continue communicating until they can reach a consensus about what to do. Another problem arises when a couple starts responding to what their friends are saying. A partner may seek insight from another married couple when there is an impasse on an issue. Couples should be wary of the comments from friends who are in unhappy relationships, are angry a lot, or have nothing good to say about their marriage. Couples should avoid any negative vibes from friends.

When couples have issues or concerns, they should seek out neutral people, because family members or friends will always be biased in their responses. Family and friends mean well when they offer or are asked for advice. Even if the partner is clearly wrong about something, they will consciously respond with the best interests of the family member in mind. If they tried to be objective, it would go a long way toward helping couples. When family and friends side with someone just because they are family, it does nothing to help the marriage.

Parents can be on the wrong side of an issue. I have seen this happen many times with couples, and it affects the marriage in a negative way. Well-meaning family and friends seldom ask about the other side of an issue; they are hearing only one side. Couples are able to work through any and all issues in their relationship if they just use all their listening skills and some common sense. They should try not to seek the advice from anyone who does not have the experience of being in a long-term, meaningful relationship; after all, you don't ask a plumber how to treat a toothache. Couples can always go and see a trained marriage coach, and they should surround themselves and interact with other couples who have positive energy to share about their marriage.

Couples face all types of pressure and challenges from family and friends. They're often asked when they're going to have kids, how they spend their money, what type of home they will live in, what kind of career choices they plan to make, and who makes the major decisions in the marriage. Couples need to show a united front in their marriage, especially in the face of any criticism. The kinds of questions mentioned above are generally directed toward couples who are young and married for the first time, although those married for the second or third time can experience the same or similar questions. It's important to remember that couples need to filter any and all comments made about their marriage. It's equally important for people to stand up and protect their mates when family or friends are badmouthing him or her unfairly. People have all sorts of reason to say negative things about one's mate. It's important to challenge some statements, especially if the statement is false or a character assassination. People will dislike other people for some of the silliest reasons, without any real validation. Couples must remember who married whom and why. You are the one who will live with your mate, and not anyone else. Positive words of wisdom, insight, and encouragement, lighthearted news, and affirmation should always be welcome and accepted by couples who work at creating a happy and successful love affair.

Things to practice:

* Be open, honest, and share negative comments that could hurt the marriage.

* Be supportive of your partner when he or she has to stand up to family and friends because of negative comments.

* Develop a defusing ritual about negative comments people make toward your partner.

* Always discuss things with your mate before talking with family and friends.

* Never allow your mate to be blindsided by comments people have made that you are aware of.

* Try to turn some comments that are made into jokes, because some people just can't help themselves. They also say some of the dumbest things because of their insecurities.

* Never repeat anything negative to your mate that others have said about them, unless you both can laugh about it.

Chapter Three

Intimacy (Sexuality and Emotions)

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The Glue That Holds Relationships Together

An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship. It can be defined as enduring behavioral interdependence, repeated interactions, emotional attachment, and need fulfillment. Humans have a universal need to belong and to love, which is satisfied when an intimate relationship is formed. We have intimate relationships with the people to whom we are attracted, and whom we like and love. We have romantic and sexual relationships and intimacy with those we marry, to provide and receive emotional and personal support. Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another person as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of each other. Genuine intimacy requires sincere dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity.

The meaning and level of intimacy varies within relationships. Intimacy is considered the product of a successful seduction, a process of rapport building that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings. Intimate conversation becomes the basis for confidences that bind people together. Developing an intimate relationship typically takes a considerable amount of time—months and years rather than days or weeks. To sustain intimacy for any length of time requires well-developed emotional and interpersonal awareness. Intimacy requires the ability to be in an intimate relationship both as individuals and as a couple. Intimacy evolves through reciprocal self-disclosure and candor. And intimate relationships are more enjoyable and can survive considerable disagreements. Love is an important factor in physical and emotional intimate relationships. There are two types of love in a relationship: passionate love and compassionate love. With compassionate love, potent feelings diminish but are enriched by warm feelings and attachment, an authentic and enduring bond, a sense of mutual commitment, the profound knowledge that you are caring for another person who is in turn caring for you, feeling proud of a mate's accomplishments, and the satisfaction that comes from sharing goals and perspectives. In contrast, passionate love is marked by infatuation, intense preoccupation with a partner, strong sexual longing, thinking of ecstasy, and feelings of exhilaration that come from being reunited with the partner. Emotional intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy can take place with or without emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy often does not occur within any kind of sexual context. Emotional intimacy is a psychological state that occurs when the trust level and communication between two people is such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each other's innermost selves; it is unbridled mutual self-disclosure. Sadly, the lack of emotional intimacy in relationships is common, and as a result we pay a heavy price. The effects of its absence can easily be witnessed in strained and failed relationships all around us, and in a larger context, they are reflected in the staggering divorce rates. In our most intimate relationships, we seek to feel wholly accepted, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our partners. We would like our relationship to be a comfortable place for us when we are weary, a place of compassion and support. Emotional intimacy is needed for these feelings to develop and continue, and when there is a lack of emotional intimacy, the relationship breaks down. One or both parties might even seek to have these needs filled outside the relationship, and this of course only makes matters much worse. So the question has to be asked, why is the quality so often missing from our relationships? Emotional intimacy is the glue that holds our unions together. Why do we seem to avoid it like the plague? The majority of people have difficulty practicing openness and allowing themselves to be vulnerable with someone. This may be particularly difficult for men, because of gender socialization. However, both sexes can struggle immensely with divulging how they really think and feel for fear of rejection of their true selves. We can be especially afraid to expose our real selves to someone whose opinion really matters to us, for fear of being criticized, laughed at, or seen as undesirable for our expression of who we authentically are by someone very close and important to us.

Though these are the people to whom it is hardest to reveal our inner truths, ironically these are the very people that we most need to do it with. Many people are shielded from emotional intimacy for so long, they have not developed adequate communication skills in the area of intimate disclosure. We lack the ability to verbalize our true emotional wants and needs to our partner. It might be difficult to find exactly the right words to communicate our feelings accurately. In fact, it might even be difficult for us to formulate our wants and needs to our own selves. We might struggle to get in touch with such a truthful place within, since we are not used to dwelling there. If we add the fear factor to lack of experience and skill deficits we have in this area, the absence of emotional intimacy in our relationships is really no surprise.

If we want to develop more emotional intimacy with someone, we need to become familiar with how we truly feel. How can we share our authentic feelings, wants, and needs if even we are not aware of what they are? The solution is to become consciously connected to the feelings we have pushed down and buried for so long. We need to explore our feelings more completely until they are well-known to us. We need to step away from the hectic world, find a quiet place, and just sit with ourselves. It may be difficult to switch off the mind's chattering and get quiet. The mind's chatter might be a valuable aid at the beginning point, in that its content can give us fast insights into our deeper self. The mind's commentaries that can inform us, the ones we ordinarily disregard or hardly even notice, can go something like this: "I can't let the softer side of me show or I might be seen as a pushover and may not be respected, or I might be taken advantage of. If I voice my true opinion and it's very different from my partner's, I'm afraid he/she will judge me, or maybe it means we are not right for each other." A very common one is "I don't feel good/ deserving/smart enough for him/her."

We must start by observing these statements neutrally, without self-judgment. We can just let them teach us about what has been going on inside as we continue to take advantage of this wonderful source of information during our quiet times. We become more familiar with how we truly feel underneath the layers of feelings. We begin to see connections that have eluded us and realize, for instance, that we became a workaholic to avoid getting close in a relationship. We might use inappropriate anger or other damaging noncooperative attitudes to create distance within our relationship out of the fear of emotional intimacy.

Eventually we will want to move beyond the thoughts of the mind into a deeper place where we can address our feelings without mental interference. We can sit quietly. By closing our eyes and focusing mentally on a peaceful image, or repeating a soothing phrase, we can quiet our thoughts and focus solely on our feelings. We allow ourselves to experience all of our emotions fully, without retreat. This can be a very powerful yet difficult experience because our feelings of fear, anger, frustration, pain, and sadness might be very intense. In fact, we might be able to remain engaged in this state for only a short period of time at first. It is an exercise that takes practice and patience, but it is crucial to the knowledge and growth of our inner selves, and that is crucial to our intimate relationships. Once we have begun to know our inner selves, how does this translate into emotional intimacy within our relationship? We need to consciously create the environments and opportunities for emotional intimacy to be present. It is essential that changes be made in the necessary areas to allow for the development of bonding time with our partner. As we become more aware, we can make changes accordingly. Without emotional intimacy you are walking a path of probability that may lead to the disturbing statistic of a failed relationship. Spend time with your partner each day. Set aside at least half an hour daily and begin to talk from the place of your authentic self. As you do so, you begin to experience being more vulnerable with each other. At times you may wish to be in each other's company in complete silence. This nourishes a more profound connection at the level of the soul and is an incredibly powerful builder of intimacy. The other form of intimacy is physical. Physical intimacy is sensual proximity and touching. It can be enjoyed by itself or be an expression of feelings (such as close friendship, love, and sexual attraction). Physical intimacy includes being inside someone's personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, and sexual activity. Physical intimacy is a natural part of human nature. Research has shown it has health benefits as well. When we hug, kiss, or touch, our bodies release dopamine and serotonin, which reduce the levels of stress hormones. However, a lack of physical intimacy can lead to feelings of loneliness, stress, and anxiety.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from A Promise Made Is a Promise Kept by Matthew D. Jones Jr. Copyright © 2011 by Matthew D. Jones Jr.. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Chapter 1. The Purpose of Marriage....................1
Chapter 2. Effects of Friends and Family....................5
Chapter 3. Intimacy (Sexuality and Emotions)....................9
Chapter 4. The Role of Money....................19
Chapter 5. Children....................23
Chapter 6. Handling Problems....................29
Chapter 7. Trust and Forgiveness....................33
Chapter 8. Boredom....................43
Chapter 9. Laughter....................49
Chapter 10. Personal Growth....................57
Chapter 11. Things to Do for Marital Growth....................63
Chapter 12. A Happy and Lasting Marriage....................69
Chapter 13. Communication....................77