When Susan discovers her husband of 22 years is cheating on her, she is sure her life is over. And she thinks her friend Marcella’s advice that she work through her feelings in a blog is stupid. She just wants to sit on the couch in her ex’s old bathrobe, feel sorry for herself, and chain-smoke. But with the help of Marcella, a growing tribe of “strange Internet friends,” couriered packages of sex toys, and the most delectable cherry pie in the world, Susan gets off the couch and into the arms of a gorgeous (“OMFG how old is he?”) new lover who is even more delicious than that cherry pie. Will her kids let her have this new life? Will her ex? And will Susan dare step into the passionate unknown... or will she retreat to the safety of her old life?
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Susan as The Heroine. Baker extraordinaire, yoga-hater, Luddite, and an innocent prude. “I don’t think an exercise routine developed by half-starved men in India is particularly suitable to short, curvy, booby white women. My breasts get in the way of everything. OMG, I just typed breasts. How do I delete this post?”
Marcella as Her Best Friend. Entrepreneur, musician and happily divorced self-proclaimed “slut” who has an opinion on everything and a solution to everyone’s problems except her own. “Look, Susan, do what you want, but either keep on with the blog or go sleep with a twenty-five-year-old boy. Do you want to be a pathetic blob of goo in your cheating husband’s bathrobe?”
Cody and Tyler as Her Adult Sons. “What were you thinking, Mom?” “Jesus, how old is he, Mom?” “Have you no pride, Mom?” “Oh-my-god-what’s-wrong-with-you, Mom?”
Nika as Cody’s Maybe-Maybe-Not Girlfriend. “I’m totally trolling Tinder for Persian guys now. Just so you know, Mama Susan.”
sugar&spice76 as Susan’s First Fan. “Honey, we’re not strangers anymore. We’re your strange Internet friends. We’re all mothers, and we all do the dirty sometimes, ok?”
FemmeFataleFun as the Sex Toy Peddler. “Smooches. Everything in that care package is therapeutic, kitten!”
mommyshidinginthebathroom3 as The Token Mommy Blogger. “Let her smoke, Marcella. It’s been six weeks. You can kick her ass about the cigarettes in six months.”
ilikeherbooty-full as The Porn Blogger Who Won’t Go Away. “Is this what women really talk about when men aren’t around, or are you doing that just for me?
Caspian00XO as His Friend Who Hears About the Pie. “Susan? Do I get pie now? I’m emailing you my address.”
Reza as Susan’s Love Interest. “This is my telephone number. As soon as I leave, you will type it into your phone. And you will send me a text. It will say, ‘Reza, this is Sooo-zaaaahn.’ If you don’t send me this text, I will assume I offended you and will need to quit my job so I don’t offend you again, so it is very important that you send this text. Yes, Soo-zahn?”
with cameos by
John as The Cheating Husband, Jewel of The Not-So-Spectacular-Boobs as The Other Woman, an assortment of lurkers, trolls, spammers, “Internet idiots,” and casual visitors, Reza’s invisible roommates, and The Lawyer.
a “MISTRESS OF HER OWN DOMAIN” novella
|Publisher:||GENRES were made to be BROKEN|
|Product dimensions:||6.00(w) x 1.25(h) x 9.00(d)|
Table of Contents
Susan’s Writing Cure is a stupid name for a blog
This sucks, I suck, the whole world sucks
But seriously, how could he be so stupid?
How could I be so stupid?
Breasts are also stupid
So Christmas sucked
Marcella sucks and I’m a pathetic blob of goo
I guess I’m not dealing very well
This one is about trying not to ruin Christmas, and meeting Nika
I miss my kids
Well, I don’t ruin Christmas Eve
So I ruined Christmas
Actually, Don ruined Christmas
No, I ruined Christmas
This is just awful... why am I reliving this?
And then... everyone left
Alone, alone, alone
I love Marcella, and I love cigarettes, and I miss my cigarettes, and I am a whiny over-the-hill middle-aged frump
My babies are coming home!
I have a bit of a breakdown in Safeway
I have been a baking machine
As I’ve said, I’ve been baking
I don’t think I can do this
He wasn’t there
I went back again this afternoon
He was there!
My mother-in-law wants to medicate me, and maybe she’s right
Marcella’s hideous vibrator
Tyler’s home and I’m a terrible role model
I am probably insane
Like a troll doll or a muppet, but worse
Birdwatching and Jewel of the Not-So-Spectacular Boobs
Christmas sucks and I’m not that crazy about Easter either but I’m getting used to the Rabbit
I’m so embarrassed
The house is empty again, but... He. Loved. My. Pie!!!
My small small life
So, I purged
I’m stupid and sad, but also grateful
Ok, just to be clear, this is the situation
Also, just to be clear, divorce screws up your kids even if they’re all grown up
OMG OMG OMG
It’s a Nowruz miracle!
OMG, OMG, OMG... OMFG
So I had to change everyone’s names
I went shopping, not at Safeway
Maybe men are dicks
You will never believe this...
This is true: my husband has a very small penis
OMG, and that’s pretty much all I have time to say
The difference between alone and lonely, and also, trying not to hate John, but he makes it very difficult sometimes
I went shopping... for clothes
Chicken soup fixes everything (almost)
Do you think he loves me?
Apparently, I need Botox, but also some better news
The good news is he’s much older than my sons
Bliss is boring but in a wonderful way
But boring is better than complicated
Trying to be kind, thinking John is evil
I did it
Sex makes everything better
I’m lame but I’m doing this anyway
Doing the right thing
No no no no no no no no
All John’s fault
I don’t understand
I will never wish for a text again
It didn’t work
The troops are here
He doesn’t work here anymore
Nika says I have to tell you
Courage from Georgia
The place where pride ends
Kind of sappy, but I love you all
All the things
Afterword: how a story is born
Bonus: The shy girl’s guide to sexting
About the author