Table of Contents
1 A Kinder, Gentler Nation
Making America a Kinder, Gentler Nation 18
Call It a Conundrum 20
America's Newest Killer 22
When "The Boys" Grew Up 24
Lets Get the Trains on Track 26
Why Not a Jerk Patrol? 28
On Water Patrol 30
2 Fashion Tips
Dress Codes that Need Decoding 33
Pulling the Wool Over My Eyes 35
Your Guide to Men's Leisure Fashion 36
Living the Battle of the Bulge 39
3 Dining Out
Fit to Be Tied at the Plaza 42
My Dogged Addiction 44
Breakfast with a Kick 45
Who Needs Self-service? 47
The One and Only Vidalia Onion 49
Knowing Where to Draw the Line on Carp 51
Getting Rid of Ants Is No Picnic 52
A Grain of Truth in Straight Talk About Cereal 54
4 Religion
Were All Still in God's Waiting Room 58
Giving the Bird to a Turkey 60
Humor Out of This World 62
Pay as You Inter 64
Enough Is Enough 65
Was It the Lord's Work? 68
5 The News
Where No News Is Good News 71
Journalism Gone Bonkers 73
Call Me "MAODWMNSPCG-14HGWS," 75
6 Tee Time
Why I Get Teed Off 78
My Handicap; Women Golfers 80
Roughly Speaking, I Play Golf 82
"The Snake Rule" of Golf 83
The Course of True Golf 85
7 Man's Best Friend
My Dog, the Genius 89
Going Nuts Over Squirrels 91
The Stranger and the Lost German Shepherd 92
My Dog, the Star 94
Leading a Dog's Life 96
A Deuce No Longer Wild 98
Barking Up the Wrong Tree 99
8 They Call Him Bubba
His Name Is Nobody's Business 103
The "Bubba" Stereotype 105
9 The Trouble with Teenagers
Suggested Courses for Today's Teenager 108
Why Teachers Play Hooky 110
Recalling My School Daze 112
It's Only Sheepskin Deep 113
Today's Teenage "Slanguage" 115
Capital Punishment 117
Attention, All You Racist, Sexist Swine 119
Is School Lunch Fare Fair? 121
Today's Teens Discover a New Hangout 123
10 On the Road
Caught Short in Bermuda 126
Back to Paradise 128
Into the Woods-to Go Camping 129
Cabin Fever at 21 Below 131
In Lieu of That Swimsuit Issue 133
Back-Home Thoughts 135
11 Sports
OF Granny's Curse 139
My Most Valuable Players 141
Casanova Couldn't Get to First Base 143
Why I Hate the Yankees 145
Little Eddie, R.I.P. 147
Bike Riders, Beware 148
For Sale: One Complete Ski Outfit 150
12 International Relations
Why Not Toss a Coin? 154
The Wall Around the Russians 156
The Russians Out in the Code 157
Sex in Moscow 159
In the Huddle with George Bush 161
How 'Bout Them Japanese! 163
Have You Heard of Boise, Idaho? 165
They're Buying American-Literally 167
The Rising Sum Will Cost Us 169
13 Weighty Matters
Putting Their Best Chins Forward 172
Where Do All Those Lost Pounds Go? 174
Cordie Mae's Gain-Weight Diet 176
14 Bad Habits
Hints for Sobriety 180
Would You Walk a Mile for One? 182
How I Quit Smoking 183
Going Up in Smoke 185
Six Steps to Stop Smoking, Butt Don't Stumble 187
15 Of Time and Birth
Children Are Forever 191
Memories of My Father 193
Of Time and Birth 195
16 Getting Older
Life Calls No Tune-Outs 198
Now Ear This 200
Roy Orbison's Legacy 201
Cheers for a Real-Life Bar 203
When I Danced on the Ceiling 205
I'm Not Dying to Pay for My Funeral 207
17 Life in the Twentieth Century
How Times Have Changed 210
Fighting Tooth and Nail 212
Special Delivery, Posthaste 214
Mebbe the Front Porch Should Come Back 215
How to Be a Clock-Eyed Manager 217
Gone with the Wind 219
Horses Drive Me Buggy 221
How to Treat a Lady 223
Thingamabobs and Whatchamacallits 225
Life in the Year 2000 227
