Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night

Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night

by Lewis Grizzard

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Overview

Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night by Lewis Grizzard

In Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night, Lewis Grizzard once again confirms his reputation as the "William Faulkner of just plain folks" using colorful storytelling to tackle such Grizzardian subjects as:

Fashion: "Don't wear anything that features a picture of a pelican, a pink flamingo, or a beer can."

The Future: "I'm predicting the world isn't going to come to an end anytime soon. There's too much unresolved, like whether or not
Elvis is still alive, Jimmy Swaggart can stay on television, and if there will be another Rambo sequel."

Dating: "Any single white female who has to resort to taking out an ad to find a boyfriend would take a SWM who's into yodeling, Hustler magazine, Ripple, and robbing convenience stores."

People Who Cheat in the 12-Items-or-Less Lane: "Previously, I have dog-cussed these people and put curses on them, like, 'May your children grow up to be liberal Democrats.' I'm not going to be that mean-spirited anymore. What I'm going to do is go to the vegetable bin, grab a large cucumber, and beat them about the head and shoulders with it."

Lewis Grizzard offers his views on everything from politics, religion, sex, and golf to the largest condom heist in history, wittier and more outrageous than ever. Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night shows why the South's most popular humorist continues to be America's most popular funny man.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781588383037
Publisher: NewSouth, Incorporated
Publication date: 03/01/2015
Pages: 232
Sales rank: 559,908
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 2.00(d)

About the Author

Lewis Grizzard, Jr., was an American writer and humorist known for his commentary on the American South. Although he spent his early career as a newspaper sportswriter and editor, becoming the sports editor of the Atlanta Journal at age 23, he was much better known for his humorous newspaper columns in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a popular stand-up comedian and lecturer.

Table of Contents

1 A Kinder, Gentler Nation

Making America a Kinder, Gentler Nation 18

Call It a Conundrum 20

America's Newest Killer 22

When "The Boys" Grew Up 24

Lets Get the Trains on Track 26

Why Not a Jerk Patrol? 28

On Water Patrol 30

2 Fashion Tips

Dress Codes that Need Decoding 33

Pulling the Wool Over My Eyes 35

Your Guide to Men's Leisure Fashion 36

Living the Battle of the Bulge 39

3 Dining Out

Fit to Be Tied at the Plaza 42

My Dogged Addiction 44

Breakfast with a Kick 45

Who Needs Self-service? 47

The One and Only Vidalia Onion 49

Knowing Where to Draw the Line on Carp 51

Getting Rid of Ants Is No Picnic 52

A Grain of Truth in Straight Talk About Cereal 54

4 Religion

Were All Still in God's Waiting Room 58

Giving the Bird to a Turkey 60

Humor Out of This World 62

Pay as You Inter 64

Enough Is Enough 65

Was It the Lord's Work? 68

5 The News

Where No News Is Good News 71

Journalism Gone Bonkers 73

Call Me "MAODWMNSPCG-14HGWS," 75

6 Tee Time

Why I Get Teed Off 78

My Handicap; Women Golfers 80

Roughly Speaking, I Play Golf 82

"The Snake Rule" of Golf 83

The Course of True Golf 85

7 Man's Best Friend

My Dog, the Genius 89

Going Nuts Over Squirrels 91

The Stranger and the Lost German Shepherd 92

My Dog, the Star 94

Leading a Dog's Life 96

A Deuce No Longer Wild 98

Barking Up the Wrong Tree 99

8 They Call Him Bubba

His Name Is Nobody's Business 103

The "Bubba" Stereotype 105

9 The Trouble with Teenagers

Suggested Courses for Today's Teenager 108

Why Teachers Play Hooky 110

Recalling My School Daze 112

It's Only Sheepskin Deep 113

Today's Teenage "Slanguage" 115

Capital Punishment 117

Attention, All You Racist, Sexist Swine 119

Is School Lunch Fare Fair? 121

Today's Teens Discover a New Hangout 123

10 On the Road

Caught Short in Bermuda 126

Back to Paradise 128

Into the Woods-to Go Camping 129

Cabin Fever at 21 Below 131

In Lieu of That Swimsuit Issue 133

Back-Home Thoughts 135

11 Sports

OF Granny's Curse 139

My Most Valuable Players 141

Casanova Couldn't Get to First Base 143

Why I Hate the Yankees 145

Little Eddie, R.I.P. 147

Bike Riders, Beware 148

For Sale: One Complete Ski Outfit 150

12 International Relations

Why Not Toss a Coin? 154

The Wall Around the Russians 156

The Russians Out in the Code 157

Sex in Moscow 159

In the Huddle with George Bush 161

How 'Bout Them Japanese! 163

Have You Heard of Boise, Idaho? 165

They're Buying American-Literally 167

The Rising Sum Will Cost Us 169

13 Weighty Matters

Putting Their Best Chins Forward 172

Where Do All Those Lost Pounds Go? 174

Cordie Mae's Gain-Weight Diet 176

14 Bad Habits

Hints for Sobriety 180

Would You Walk a Mile for One? 182

How I Quit Smoking 183

Going Up in Smoke 185

Six Steps to Stop Smoking, Butt Don't Stumble 187

15 Of Time and Birth

Children Are Forever 191

Memories of My Father 193

Of Time and Birth 195

16 Getting Older

Life Calls No Tune-Outs 198

Now Ear This 200

Roy Orbison's Legacy 201

Cheers for a Real-Life Bar 203

When I Danced on the Ceiling 205

I'm Not Dying to Pay for My Funeral 207

17 Life in the Twentieth Century

How Times Have Changed 210

Fighting Tooth and Nail 212

Special Delivery, Posthaste 214

Mebbe the Front Porch Should Come Back 215

How to Be a Clock-Eyed Manager 217

Gone with the Wind 219

Horses Drive Me Buggy 221

How to Treat a Lady 223

Thingamabobs and Whatchamacallits 225

Life in the Year 2000 227

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