Daddyhood: A brief guide for the new-father-to-be

When my wife told me she was pregnant with our first child I was scared down to my socks. I didn't know the first thing about babies. What's a layette? And why does my wife want to buy one now? What are we going to do with all the pink dresses when we have a boy? Which end of the baby do you diaper? Why won't it (No! He or she!) Stop crying? And why does my wife keep talking to me like I should have known these things since I was 5? (Because boys usually don't!) Why is she shopping so much ...