Forever Lily: An Unexpected Mother's Journey to Adoption in China

Forever Lily: An Unexpected Mother's Journey to Adoption in China

by Beth Nonte Russell

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Overview

"Will you take her?" she asks.

When Beth Nonte Russell travels to China to help her friend Alex adopt a baby girl from an orphanage there, she thinks it will be an adventure, a chance to see the world. But her friend, who had prepared for the adoption for many months, panics soon after being presented with the frail baby, and the situation develops into one of the greatest challenges of Russell's life.

Russell, watching in disbelief as Alex distances herself from the child, cares for the baby — clothing, bathing, and feeding her — and makes her feel secure in the unfamiliar surroundings. Russell is overwhelmed and disoriented by the unfolding drama and all that she sees in China, and yet amid the emotional turmoil finds herself deeply bonding with the child. She begins to have dreams of an ancient past — dreams of a young woman who is plucked from the countryside and chosen to be empress, and of the child who is ultimately taken from her. As it becomes clear that her friend — whose indecisiveness about the adoption has become a torment — won't be bringing the baby home, Russell is amazed to realize that she cannot leave the baby behind and that her dreams have been telling her something significant, giving her the courage to open her heart and bring the child home against all odds.

Steeped in Chinese culture, Forever Lily is an extraordinary account of a life-changing, wholly unexpected love.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780743292979
Publisher: Touchstone
Publication date: 03/13/2007
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 240
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.43(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Beth Nonte Russell received a master's degree in psychology from Marymount University and provided counseling services at a community mental health center. She lives with her husband and two daughters, Lily and Jaden, outside Washington, D.C.

Read an Excerpt

Forever Lily

An Unexpected Mother's Journey to Adoption in China
By Beth Nonte Russell

Touchstone

Copyright © 2007 Beth Nonte Russell
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9780743292979

When I wake, I don't know where I am. It takes several minutes before I remember I am on my way to China, I am traveling with my friend Alex, we are going to bring home a baby. The sun is still shining, though according to my watch it is ten o'clock in the evening. We have been following the light since this morning as we have flown over the top of the world, and it has been eerie, a day with no night. We could be anywhere, it could be any time, in this moment, suspended between heaven and earth; I am flying into tomorrow, or is it yesterday?

There are still several hours before we are scheduled to land in Tokyo, and from there, we will take a three-hour flight to Beijing. I have an entire row to myself; this airplane is almost empty. Several books, all of which I am having trouble concentrating on, surround me on the seat, and the remains of a half-eaten lunch still wait to be taken away by the flight attendant. I look across the aisle and see that Alex is stretched out, sleeping. After more than a year of planning for this adoption, it must finally be starting to seem real for her; she seems distracted, withdrawn, and not in the mood to chat about the new baby or anything else.

I have spent the time on the plane trying to read, looking out at the clouds, thinking -- the things I prefer to do anyway. At some point I began to meditate, but I musthave fallen asleep; there was a dream, something intense...what was it? I try hard to bring it back; I recall a structure, bathed in dream-light, and as I concentrate on this image, more details begin to emerge from the shadows of sleep. I take out my notebook and pen to record what I remember:

I am standing near a pagoda, surrounded by water. I am looking at my reflection, when suddenly another reflection merges with mine. I look up to see a young Chinese man, in some type of military or royal dress. He is standing behind me. My heart rises up in joy and yet I am also afraid. I can see that I am dressed in some type of elegant robe, with elaborate embroidery and color. The man does not speak and neither do I, but we seem to understand each other without words. Somehow, I know that he loves me, and I feel my love for him rise in return. We melt together in a swirl of energy that is unlike anything I have felt before. When we finally separate, we walk together to look into the water, and see a lotus flower that is vibrating and throwing off light. In the dream I know that this flower symbolizes pure love.

The dream is a shimmering little jewel, so vivid in color and feeling. I have had so many dreams about China since I agreed to come on this trip with Alex: dreams about babies, dreams that I am Chinese and that Alex is Chinese, and a dream in which Alex's husband is a Chinese soldier trying to warn me of some danger. There have been so many dreams, in fact, that I mentioned them to Alex, in mid-October, six weeks before we were to travel to China. I am thinking of telling her about this one, too, when I hear the captain announce that we are preparing to descend. Alex joins me in my row, and we begin to gather our belongings. She is still quiet and withdrawn, her face white and tired-looking. A tiny twinge of homesickness rises in me, and there are butterflies in my stomach. It already feels as if we've been gone for a lifetime.

This morning when we met at the airport, it was cold and dark, a crystal clear December morning; our husbands and Alex's son were there to see us off. Alex lingered with them while I stood off to the side with my luggage. This was a big moment for their family, a turning point, an ending and a beginning. No longer would it be just the three of them; a new baby would join them and change their lives. I could tell they were unsure about this, hesitant, not smiling, clinging to one another. I thought of the little face in the picture Alex had shown me a few weeks ago, a black-eyed girl with sparse hair and a determined look. The orphanage had sent the picture of the baby assigned to her, and when Alex showed it to me, I asked for a copy of the photo, and then pasted it onto the front cover of the journal I would be keeping for this trip.

Writing during my travels has become a habit for me. Somehow, a trip feels incomplete if I do not end it with a set of pages recorded during the journey. So much is lost, so much not even noticed, unless it is thought about, contemplated, and integrated during the writing process. There is a shelf of travel journals in my bookcase at home, evidence that I have been somewhere, and that I have returned with something that can never be taken away: an experience. This trip is so symbolic, and certain to be fraught with emotion...traveling to get a baby; I am sure there will be much to write about, and bought an extra-large notebook so I will be sure to have enough pages.

I like to look at the picture of the baby. Last night, when I showed it to my husband, he said, "She's the cutest thing I've ever seen! Why don't you bring one back for us, too?" He was obviously joking, but for some reason, I got angry.

"You can't just do that," I said. "You can't just bring back a baby." I wonder now if my anger was a telltale sign of a desire to do just that. I wonder if seeing these orphaned babies will make me want to have one too. Just yesterday, when I was having breakfast with a friend, we were talking about the trip and I said, "I'm really glad it's not me bringing home a baby!" And I am glad, for now, that it is not me.

I am still waiting for a burning desire for a child to come upon me, to feel that almost nonnegotiable need to have a baby that so many women experience. The longing for a child, to give birth, has never manifested for me in any significant way. In my early twenties I married a divorced man with three young children, and the role of stepparent has been difficult for me. And now, for the first time in fourteen years, my husband and I are poised at the beginning of something new: a life and marriage not dominated by children.

And though I have not arrived at any conclusions about having children of my own, I was excited for Alex when she first told me of her intention to adopt. She called me last summer, and after chatting about our lives for a few minutes, she paused and then said she had something to tell me. Her voice was serious, like she had bad news to impart, but instead, she said, "We've decided to adopt. We've already gone through the home study and are completing the paperwork. We'll probably have a child in a year or so, from China."

I was surprised, and told her so; she had never mentioned that she was thinking about adopting. "I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I decided if I don't do it soon, we'll be too old. We're already too old to adopt from South Korea, which was my first choice because they bring the babies to the U.S. and you don't have to travel to a foreign country."

She told me she had then selected China, because there were mostly girl babies available, and they were healthy. "I don't know why, but I keep seeing a little girl at the dinner table with us," she said. "A little girl...it has to be a girl."

"It's wonderful," I said then, and I am still happy for her, even though right now she doesn't seem very happy herself.

The day before we left, she called and told me that she had "freaked out" the night before. She had been preparing the nursery and suddenly was overcome with the need to run from the room, from the house, from her life.

"I've never felt that way before," she said. "Never felt that desperate."

"What do you think that was about?" I asked her, concerned. She told me it had taken several hours to calm herself down, and that she was sure it was just exhaustion, concern over the details of the trip and the adoption, and last-minute jitters. She hadn't been sleeping well, she said, and had a lot on her mind. "I'll be okay," she said. "I just need to get this trip behind me."

But the effects seem to be lingering. She is definitely not herself. Several times I have tried to engage her in conversation, to no avail. I brought a book for her called Baby Signs; a colleague of mine at the mental health agency where I used to work as a psychologist gave it to me, enthusiastic about the implications for parent-child interaction. I explained to Alex that experts now believe that babies can be taught to communicate fully using hand signals. The idea is that even infants have a sophisticated understanding of the world, that all that is lacking is the means to communicate.

"This might be good for you and your new baby because she won't understand English at first," I said. "It could help you to bond." She took the book and said, "Yes, that's interesting," and then tucked it away in a bag under her seat, not interested at all.

For a year and a half, Alex and her husband have been going through the arduous process of international adoption -- a marathon of paperwork, red tape, and delays. She had not spoken much about the adoption since she first told me about it, and when she called six months ago to ask if I would go with her to China, I was more than a little surprised.

"Would you consider going to China with me, to pick up the baby?" she asked. She was not yet matched with a child, she went on before I could answer, but she and her husband were making decisions about the trip and she needed a companion. They had decided that he would stay home to care for their eight-year-old son.

"We don't want to take him out of school for ten days; plus, it's too long of a trip for him," she said.

When she asked again, would I come with her to China, I heard myself saying yes before even thinking. It would be an exciting adventure, another country to add to my list of places in the world that I had seen with my own eyes, and a chance to see how this business of international adoption actually works.

Alex and I have known each other for years, and yet, I would not consider us close. We met as neighbors, and ours was a social friendship; we saw each other a few times a year, at dinner with our husbands or in groups with other friends. We bonded initially because of shared circumstances: when we met, we had both recently become stepparents, and we talked often about the difficulties inherent in that role. Neither one of us had other friends who were stepparents at the time, and we became a sort of touchstone for each other when either of us needed to discuss some aspect of family life. Our families celebrated birthdays and holidays together on occasion; but there is something about Alex, a reserve or detachment, that I have never felt I could breach. In some sense she has remained aloof and unknowable, an enigma, a mystery.

And then to ask me this, to go to China...After my initial positive reaction, I began to have reservations. This trip is so important; I asked Alex if there was a family member or a very close friend who could provide the kind of support necessary. What I meant, but didn't say, was "Why me?" Would our friendship withstand the intimacies of travel, not to mention an adoption? In some ways, I could rationalize this as a continuation of our support of each other around the issues of stepchildren, children, and family life. But in a deeper sense, I felt that this request pushed outside the bounds set for the relationship.

Alex explained that she had asked me to come because she needed an experienced traveler to go with her, someone who would not easily be thrown off stride. She had heard tales of my travels over the years, the places I had visited sometimes on a whim -- the long trips by myself to Europe and South America. This is what she explained, but I had the sense that, deep down, even she did not know why she had chosen me.

She had settled on my travel history as her reason, but what she did not know was that my trips were not travel for the sake of travel alone, but always a looking, a searching for something, some piece of myself. My life had been made up of attempts to bury an old self, a person who no longer existed, a person who perhaps never existed, a self patched together from borrowed ideas. My trips were a way to tunnel into the dark country inside myself, a place I could visit only when I was outside the geographic bounds of my day-to-day existence.

It dawned on me the day Alex called, a day after I returned from a trip that had exhausted me and left me depressed, that perhaps looking for a piece of myself in some far-off location might not make much sense. Was travel just an escape, a way of fooling myself into believing that my life was moving forward when in fact it was standing still?

A vague sense of emptiness, of something missing, of not being where I should be, had haunted me for a lifetime. I was ready to admit that travel had not cured me, that nothing had cured me. The day before Alex called, I had decided to stay put for a while, to try living inside the life I had created in my suburban house, with my husband, my dogs -- and my chronic discontent, the source of which I had yet to identify.

"It" eluded me, the "it" that would pull the world together and show that the world made eminent sense. I was looking for an answer, searching for a system, grasping at this and experimenting with that, but nothing coalesced, nothing calmed my spirit for long. As my discontent became more entrenched, as it became like a sort of grief, I began to panic...what was it, what was it, what was it? I did not know, and I began to think there might not be an answer, that maybe there were no answers at all. I had a growing sense that life was moving on and my dreams were dying. My life stretched out before me, a wasteland of time.

Copyright 2004, 2007 by Beth Nonte Russell



Continues...


Excerpted from Forever Lily by Beth Nonte Russell Copyright © 2007 by Beth Nonte Russell. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Reading Group Guide

Touchstone Reading Group Guide Forever Lily Discussion Questions
1. What does the author reveal about her personal life and character in the first chapter by telling her story in the first person? What do we know about her that she does not tell us explicitly? Why do you think the author chose to use the present tense to tell this story?
2. Considering they weren't the closest of friends, why do you think Beth agreed to accompany Alex to China? Why do you think Alex asked Beth to come with her to China?
3. When the adoption agency brings the baby to Alex, she is markedly disappointed. What is your opinion of Alex at this moment? What are your feelings toward Alex by the end of the book?
4. What would you do if you were an adoptive mother and you did not bond with your prospective child? If the author had not accompanied Alex to China, what do you think would have happened to the baby?
5. Do you think the author was destined to go to China and adopt Lily? If what happened was destiny, and events were meant to unfold as they did, how does this affect your feelings about Alex? What role does choice play in destiny?
6. When the author confesses her need to adopt Lily to her husband, are you surprised by his response? What does this tell you about their relationship? How would such a situation have been handled in your own marriage or primary relationship?
7. How do the author's dreams relate to what is happening during her waking hours? What do the dreams add to the telling of the story? Have you personally experienced significant dreams that have had an impact on your life?
8. In the prologue to Forever Lily, Russell writes, "Dying is nothing like we suppose." Is the author talking about death literally or metaphorically? When looking at the dream sequences in Forever Lily, what does death symbolize to the author?
9. After reading Forever Lily, what are your impressions of China? Did they change as a result of reading this? Compare how women are viewed in the United States as opposed to how they are viewed in China.
10. In Forever Lily, spiritual thought and prayer play a major role in how the author processes her experience. Do you think the outcome would have been the same had this not been the case? Why or why not?
Activities
1. Invite parents who have adopted a child from another country to your reading group to share the challenges they faced, from the initial decision-making process, to how they dealt with the confusing paperwork, to traveling to their child's country of origin, to life in the United States afterward.
2. Set the mood for your Forever Lily reading group meeting by playing Chinese music and serving Chinese food. The author recommends "Silk Road Journeys," by the cellist Yo Yo Ma, and music from the Beijing Angelic Children's Choir, both of which she used while writing Forever Lily.
3. Research the symbols that are most prevalent in Forever Lily and discuss their meaning in Chinese and esoteric mythology. For example: the dragon, the lotus, shoes, the dove, the kite, etc.
4. Discuss personal experiences of your own that may have been outside the norm, such as strange dreams or visions, and explore the ways in which they made an impact on your life or a decision-making process.
Interview with Beth Nonte Russell
1. Since you were not a working writer at the time you went to China, how did you come to the decision to write Forever Lily, and why?
Though I had never written for publication, writing was something I enjoyed and did regularly before this trip took place. When I returned from China, I knew beyond a doubt that I would write this story and try to share it with others. It felt quite different in that there was a strong urge to tell others about the abandoned children that I had seen in the orphanage there; I felt obligated to be their voice. Thoughts of those children would not let me go, and I began writing the book a year after I returned. One night, I finally sat down and wrote the passages that describe the orphanage visit, and that section, those images, became the heart of the book.
2. Now that time has passed and you have perspective on what happened during your first trip to China, why do you think Alex asked you to accompany her?
I believe that she was prompted to do so by an unconscious need to balance the karma between us. As the experience in China proved to me, there is always much more at work in any given situation than we are aware of on a conscious level, and in the case of Alex and my friendship, I believe the "much more" that was at work was a karmic debt from a past lifetime in which she was instrumental in my having lost a child. In this lifetime, she was given the opportunity to balance that debt by asking me to accompany her to China, and I was given the opportunity to accept a gift of love into my life.
3. What is your relationship with Alex and her family today?
My husband and Alex's husband made an agreement that following the adoption hearing we would have no further contact between our families. We all agreed this was best for everyone concerned, especially Lily, and we have never regretted that decision.
4. What were the biggest differences between your experiences with mothering your stepchildren and your adoptive children? What were the biggest factors that contributed to these differences?
In the case of my stepchildren, they already had a mother whom they loved and who loved them. I played a parental role, but not a central role, in their lives. I was not their mother, and therefore the emotional connection was of a different nature, perhaps less intense. I don't consider Lily and Jaden my "adoptive" children; they are just my children in the most complete sense. Their father and I have total responsibility for their welfare, and I doubt they think of me as their "adoptive" mother.... I am their mother with no qualifiers attached to that term.
5. The dream sequences are quite detailed and follow a distinct narrative path. Were they changed or embellished for the telling of Forever Lily?
The dreams as I experienced them in China were less complete and more fractured than the way I recount them in the book. When I returned from China, I spent many hours in meditation, reentering the dreams, which were actually a past-life experience. In that way, I was able to gain access to the narrative of that lifetime as well as minute and colorful details. In writing the book, I combined actual dreams with details, which I found out later through those meditations, in order to give the reader a sense that the dreams were indicating a complete lifetime.
6. Memoir is one of the most risky literary forms because one person's "truth" can be quite a bit different from another person's "truth," which can have profound consequences on relationships. How did you decide which aspects of your life to include in Forever Lily?
The experience of reality is always subjective. With Forever Lily, I did not set out to write a memoir, to tell "about" my life; instead, I hoped to give the reader a chance to share the experience and bridge the gap of subjectivity. My primary intention was to let the reader enter my internal psychological, emotional, and spiritual process as it took place in the context of this particular event. And also, I hoped to show that the transformation which occurred for me during this trip was not random or sudden; the forces of that transformation had been building for many years. For that reason, I included only those things from my life which I felt would be helpful in understanding how and why this happened the way that it did, hoping that perhaps it would give others a road map for their own transformational process.
7. In the five years between your visits, China had changed dramatically. When you adopted your second daughter, what were the biggest differences in the process?
The two trips were dramatically different, but not so much because of the five-year interval or the changes within China. They were different because the second adoption was intentional on our part, and we were able to prepare emotionally in a way that was not possible in the first adoption. Another big difference was that our girls came from different regions of a vast country. During the first trip, we traveled to very poor, rural areas in central China, which was grueling; in the second, we stayed in the large and thriving southern city of Guangzhou with all the amenities that city had to offer. My sense was that the process of adoption had not changed much, if at all, in the five-year span between trips.
8. Why was Josephine worried for you while you were in China?
The answer to that question is actually very complicated. Though Josephine is not psychic, she is gifted in being able to discern certain things in the metaphysical realm which are outside most people's awareness. In her view, something of immense importance was taking place while I was in China, and her concern was that something would happen to prevent it from unfolding. She was concerned for both my spiritual and my physical safety, mainly because the lifetime which this event was resolving had ended in my premature physical death in ancient China. Events have a tendency to repeat themselves until the cycles are broken, and my bringing this baby home safely was a breakthrough in that regard, for me as well as for the many others involved in both lifetimes, including Josephine herself.
9. How did Josephine react to your decision to adopt a second baby? Is she still your spiritual advisor?
Josephine's goal as a spiritual advisor is to help the client understand and utilize his or her own power, which is always within. My original agreement with her was to work together for three years, and when that time was up, we continued to speak often, though our work together became more of a partnership. She gave advice and counsel based on her understandings, but in the end, it was always up to me to decide the best course of action. When I first told her I was going to China, she advised me not to go, and when I told her of my plans to adopt a second child, in her opinion, it was not a good idea. But once the decisions were made, whether I took her advice or not, she could help me to make the most of the situation by utilizing prayer and helping me to understand the situation in a much deeper way.
10. What is your favorite aspect of the Chinese culture? How do you share these customs with your children?
Though I have grown to love many things about China, I am not an expert on Chinese culture. There is so much focus on these girls being Chinese, but in my view, I am raising two American daughters who happen to have been born in China. They spent the earliest few months of their lives there and will spend the great majority of their lives here, but I do hope that at some point they will have an interest in the land of their birth. To that end, I have begun a library of books about China for my daughters to read when they are ready, and I also hope to travel with them to China many times in the coming years. Because Chinese history is complicated, especially where the circumstances of their lives are concerned, it is important to be very thoughtful in the way Chinese culture is discussed with them. My hope is that my girls will gain a deeper understanding of China over time and be able to make their own decisions about how far they want to take that interest.

Introduction

TouchstoneReading Group GuideForever LilyDiscussion Questions

1. What does the author reveal about her personal life and character in the first chapter by telling her story in the first person? What do we know about her that she does not tell us explicitly? Why do you think the author chose to use the present tense to tell this story?

2. Considering they weren't the closest of friends, why do you think Beth agreed to accompany Alex to China? Why do you think Alex asked Beth to come with her to China?

3. When the adoption agency brings the baby to Alex, she is markedly disappointed. What is your opinion of Alex at this moment? What are your feelings toward Alex by the end of the book?

4. What would you do if you were an adoptive mother and you did not bond with your prospective child? If the author had not accompanied Alex to China, what do you think would have happened to the baby?

5. Do you think the author was destined to go to China and adopt Lily? If what happened was destiny, and events were meant to unfold as they did, how does this affect your feelings about Alex? What role does choice play in destiny?

6. When the author confesses her need to adopt Lily to her husband, are you surprised by his response? What does this tell you about their relationship? How would such a situation have been handled in your own marriage or primary relationship?

7. How do the author's dreams relate to what is happening during her waking hours? What do the dreams add to the telling of the story? Have you personally experienced significant dreams that have had an impact on your life?

8. In the prologue to Forever Lily, Russell writes, "Dying is nothing like wesuppose." Is the author talking about death literally or metaphorically? When looking at the dream sequences in Forever Lily, what does death symbolize to the author?

9. After reading Forever Lily, what are your impressions of China? Did they change as a result of reading this? Compare how women are viewed in the United States as opposed to how they are viewed in China.

10. In Forever Lily, spiritual thought and prayer play a major role in how the author processes her experience. Do you think the outcome would have been the same had this not been the case? Why or why not?

Activities

1. Invite parents who have adopted a child from another country to your reading group to share the challenges they faced, from the initial decision-making process, to how they dealt with the confusing paperwork, to traveling to their child's country of origin, to life in the United States afterward.

2. Set the mood for your Forever Lily reading group meeting by playing Chinese music and serving Chinese food. The author recommends "Silk Road Journeys," by the cellist Yo Yo Ma, and music from the Beijing Angelic Children's Choir, both of which she used while writing Forever Lily.

3. Research the symbols that are most prevalent in Forever Lily and discuss their meaning in Chinese and esoteric mythology. For example: the dragon, the lotus, shoes, the dove, the kite, etc.

4. Discuss personal experiences of your own that may have been outside the norm, such as strange dreams or visions, and explore the ways in which they made an impact on your life or a decision-making process.

Interview with Beth Nonte Russell

1. Since you were not a working writer at the time you went to China, how did you come to the decision to write Forever Lily, and why?

Though I had never written for publication, writing was something I enjoyed and did regularly before this trip took place. When I returned from China, I knew beyond a doubt that I would write this story and try to share it with others. It felt quite different in that there was a strong urge to tell others about the abandoned children that I had seen in the orphanage there; I felt obligated to be their voice. Thoughts of those children would not let me go, and I began writing the book a year after I returned. One night, I finally sat down and wrote the passages that describe the orphanage visit, and that section, those images, became the heart of the book.

2. Now that time has passed and you have perspective on what happened during your first trip to China, why do you think Alex asked you to accompany her?

I believe that she was prompted to do so by an unconscious need to balance the karma between us. As the experience in China proved to me, there is always much more at work in any given situation than we are aware of on a conscious level, and in the case of Alex and my friendship, I believe the "much more" that was at work was a karmic debt from a past lifetime in which she was instrumental in my having lost a child. In this lifetime, she was given the opportunity to balance that debt by asking me to accompany her to China, and I was given the opportunity to accept a gift of love into my life.

3. What is your relationship with Alex and her family today?

My husband and Alex's husband made an agreement that following the adoption hearing we would have no further contact between our families. We all agreed this was best for everyone concerned, especially Lily, and we have never regretted that decision.

4. What were the biggest differences between your experiences with mothering your stepchildren and your adoptive children? What were the biggest factors that contributed to these differences?

In the case of my stepchildren, they already had a mother whom they loved and who loved them. I played a parental role, but not a central role, in their lives. I was not their mother, and therefore the emotional connection was of a different nature, perhaps less intense. I don't consider Lily and Jaden my "adoptive" children; they are just my children in the most complete sense. Their father and I have total responsibility for their welfare, and I doubt they think of me as their "adoptive" mother.... I am their mother with no qualifiers attached to that term.

5. The dream sequences are quite detailed and follow a distinct narrative path. Were they changed or embellished for the telling of Forever Lily?

The dreams as I experienced them in China were less complete and more fractured than the way I recount them in the book. When I returned from China, I spent many hours in meditation, reentering the dreams, which were actually a past-life experience. In that way, I was able to gain access to the narrative of that lifetime as well as minute and colorful details. In writing the book, I combined actual dreams with details, which I found out later through those meditations, in order to give the reader a sense that the dreams were indicating a complete lifetime.

6. Memoir is one of the most risky literary forms because one person's "truth" can be quite a bit different from another person's "truth," which can have profound consequences on relationships. How did you decide which aspects of your life to include in Forever Lily?

The experience of reality is always subjective. With Forever Lily, I did not set out to write a memoir, to tell "about" my life; instead, I hoped to give the reader a chance to share the experience and bridge the gap of subjectivity. My primary intention was to let the reader enter my internal psychological, emotional, and spiritual process as it took place in the context of this particular event. And also, I hoped to show that the transformation which occurred for me during this trip was not random or sudden; the forces of that transformation had been building for many years. For that reason, I included only those things from my life which I felt would be helpful in understanding how and why this happened the way that it did, hoping that perhaps it would give others a road map for their own transformational process.

7. In the five years between your visits, China had changed dramatically. When you adopted your second daughter, what were the biggest differences in the process?

The two trips were dramatically different, but not so much because of the five-year interval or the changes within China. They were different because the second adoption was intentional on our part, and we were able to prepare emotionally in a way that was not possible in the first adoption. Another big difference was that our girls came from different regions of a vast country. During the first trip, we traveled to very poor, rural areas in central China, which was grueling; in the second, we stayed in the large and thriving southern city of Guangzhou with all the amenities that city had to offer. My sense was that the process of adoption had not changed much, if at all, in the five-year span between trips.

8. Why was Josephine worried for you while you were in China?

The answer to that question is actually very complicated. Though Josephine is not psychic, she is gifted in being able to discern certain things in the metaphysical realm which are outside most people's awareness. In her view, something of immense importance was taking place while I was in China, and her concern was that something would happen to prevent it from unfolding. She was concerned for both my spiritual and my physical safety, mainly because the lifetime which this event was resolving had ended in my premature physical death in ancient China. Events have a tendency to repeat themselves until the cycles are broken, and my bringing this baby home safely was a breakthrough in that regard, for me as well as for the many others involved in both lifetimes, including Josephine herself.

9. How did Josephine react to your decision to adopt a second baby? Is she still your spiritual advisor?

Josephine's goal as a spiritual advisor is to help the client understand and utilize his or her own power, which is always within. My original agreement with her was to work together for three years, and when that time was up, we continued to speak often, though our work together became more of a partnership. She gave advice and counsel based on her understandings, but in the end, it was always up to me to decide the best course of action. When I first told her I was going to China, she advised me not to go, and when I told her of my plans to adopt a second child, in her opinion, it was not a good idea. But once the decisions were made, whether I took her advice or not, she could help me to make the most of the situation by utilizing prayer and helping me to understand the situation in a much deeper way.

10. What is your favorite aspect of the Chinese culture? How do you share these customs with your children?

Though I have grown to love many things about China, I am not an expert on Chinese culture. There is so much focus on these girls being Chinese, but in my view, I am raising two American daughters who happen to have been born in China. They spent the earliest few months of their lives there and will spend the great majority of their lives here, but I do hope that at some point they will have an interest in the land of their birth. To that end, I have begun a library of books about China for my daughters to read when they are ready, and I also hope to travel with them to China many times in the coming years. Because Chinese history is complicated, especially where the circumstances of their lives are concerned, it is important to be very thoughtful in the way Chinese culture is discussed with them. My hope is that my girls will gain a deeper understanding of China over time and be able to make their own decisions about how far they want to take that interest.

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Forever Lily: An Unexpected Mother's Journey to Adoption in China 3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 22 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
How+I+feel+about+this+book.+The+dreams+and+references+to+rebirth+and+how+she+came+to+mother+Lily+in+the+end%2C+just+set+this+apart+from+other+books+about+China+adoption.+I+am+a+mother+to+a+daughter+from+China%2C+and+my+timeframe+was+only+about+2+years+later.+I+also+was+in+Nanchang%2C+Guanzhou%2C+and+Hong+Kong%2C+and+stayed+at+the+White+Swan.+But+it+just+seemed+far-fetched+with+the+fact+the+1st+forever+parent+didn%27t+really+act+involved+even+on+the+flight+to+China%2C+and+the+Empress+story+along+with+that+just+made+the+whole+story+seem+somewhat+made+up.+I%27m+thankful+that+Lily+was+able+to+be+raised+by+this+author%2C+but+most+of+the+time%2C+I+think+authorities+would+frown+on+how+this+was+done.++Alex+basically+was+fraudulent+going+through+the+motions+of+adopting+the+baby%2C+when+she+truthfully+was+not+ever+going+to+follow+through+with+it.+I%27m+sure+in+most+cases+the+adoption+in+China+would+have+been+abrupted+there%2C+and+Alex+would+go+home+alone.+The+baby+would+have+been+more+traumatized%2C+I+agree.+But+the+author+didn%27t+have+to+go+through+any+of+the+very+long+process+that+China+adoption+entails.+In+the+end%2C+it+was+best+for+the+baby%2C+but+it+s+just+not+a+very+realistic+portrait+of+Chinese+adoptions.+I%27m+glad+the+author+was+able+to+adopt+a+2nd+daughter+from+China.+
chrystal on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
A heartbreaking story about unexpected love. I felt it could have been better written. The underlying messages really spoke to me: to live life for each moment, to open yourself up to love and prayer and the unexpected, to follow your conscience. Also heartbreaking the number of children in China that are unwanted and how poorly they are treated the first few years of their life. At first I had a difficult time following the dream sequences but they came to make sense in the end, I think knowledge of ancient chinese culture helps.
julyso on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Beth agrees to accompany her friend, Alex, to China to bring home the baby girl she and her husband are adopting. Beth decides to go along for the adventure and it is something she can write about in her journal. Beth feels an instant connection with the baby and with all the baby girls she is leaving in China. Alex is conflicted about the baby and withdraws from the baby. Beth cares for the baby and dreams of being her mother...I very much enjoyed the story of baby Lily and how she found her home in America. I really felt for the baby girls who are abandoned to orphanages in China. I did not understand the purpose of the dream sequences within the story, I found the story interesting, but I did not really think it fit within the story of Lily. I also did not understand Alex at all, but at least she let Lily go...to find her true mom.
tibobi on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Alex and her husband are in the final stages of adopting a child from China. Alex asks her friend Beth to accompany her on the trip to China. Beth is hesitant at first. Why wouldn't Alex want her own husband to go with her?After thinking it over, Beth decides to go along figuring it would be quite an adventure and something to add to her travel journal. What she does not anticipate, is the strong emotional bond she feels when she sees the child for the first time.My reading of this novel could not have been timed better. A close friend of mine just returned from a trip to China and she shared dozens of pictures with me, along with stories about the people, the culture, etc. As I was reading Beth's story, much of what she said corresponded to what my friend told me. This really set the scene for me and by page 50 I was completely engrossed.Although Beth is there to accompany Alex, she is deeply affected by the adoption process and haunted by the children that are left behind. The detail in which Beth tells the story is at times heart wrenching, but very well written. Here's an example:"What happens when one is confronted with the sick, the neglected, the dirty? Either the heart opens, or it slams shut against the assault. Is this a choice or a reaction born of a million prior choices? What happens when love does not come?"Although the book does not go into great detail about the living conditions in which these children live, there is enough detail there to make you want to book a flight to China if only to save one child. Russell does an excellent job of allowing you into her world. You see China the way she saw it and you feel her frustration and helplessness as she tells her story.Although I was deeply moved by the book, I was distracted by the frequent dream sequences. Throughout the story, Russell shares the dreams that she had during the trip. At first I read all of the dream entries, but after a dozen or so, I began to skip them in order to get back to the story. The interview at the back of the book says that the actual dreams were more fractured when she had them, but upon return from the trip, through meditation, she spent a great deal of time reentering the dreams which she admits were past-life experiences. This allowed for more detailed accounts which were included in the book.Overall, I enjoyed the book and felt it was well written, but I don't think the dream sequences were necessary. Knowing that little has changed with China since this book was written, I think it would be a good book for a prospective parent to read...especially one who is considering an international adoption. It doesn't give you all the specifics as far as the requirements of course, but it does pose some serious questions that a prospective parent should consider very carefully before going through with the process.As far as book groups, I think there would be plenty for a group to discuss. The idea of international adoption is controversial on its own, but there's a lot going on between Alex and Beth that I cannot get into without giving the story away.
melissagagnon on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I read this book summer 2008. We are considering adoption for our future and I thought this book would give me insight from the other side, as I am adopted myself. It didn't work for me because it was too poetic and sappy.
eo206 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Forever Lily talks about a mother's unexpected journey to adopting her daughter from China. Unlike most adoption stories it is a very unexpected journey that you will discover through the story. The author also intertwines several passages of her dreams. I had a hard time follwoing the dream sequences and thus skipped over them. This book has its place and for some adoptive parents it will be the right book. But for others looking for more autobiographical accounts of parents adopting children I recommend China Ghosts by Jeff Gammage and Love in the Driest Season by Neely Tucker.
goldiebear on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I thought I was really going to like this book, but I had a hard time relating to it. I guess maybe because I have no kids of my own, or step-children. I have always thought the idea of adopting from another country very intriguing and I still do. Her story was very touching and it was interesting to hear about her trip to China. I really hated her friend Alex, however. I was really happy to hear in the end that they no longer speak. She was a very selfish person and couldn¿t believe she kept changing her mind about this poor child. I think what she did was pretty horrible and she was not a good friend. I understand why the author felt and did what she did.I had a real hard time with all the dream sequences, so much so that I just started skipping over them. I mean, I got that she thought and felt she had this really strong connection with China and Chinese culture, but it was a bit hard to swallow with all these dreams. In the end however, I felt good that was able to adopt Lily in the end.. but wish that she might have written a little more about how the process went after she arrived back in the states... but so it goes.
cassiopia_cat on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I received this book last night and read through it quite quickly. It is an easy and flowing read but I had difficulty with some parts of the book.The dream sequences seemed out of place and certainly didn't add to the story as a memoir of adopting a child in China. If this had been a fictional tale the tie in to the reincarnation dreams might have added an intriguing layer but as part of a real life tale it just felt clumsy and as if the author was trying to add another element of interest to keep the reader's attention and to flesh out the story.I was confused a bit about why her friend Alex was not only indecisive about wanting Lily after they arrived there but then seemed to enjoy the power struggle of denying the baby to Beth. I certainly hope that Beth didn't remain friends with her after this.If Beth had written more about her struggles with feeling lost and empty before the process of adopting Lily...I might have felt more connected with her and more interested in her vivid dream recollections. I myself have incredible dreams and oftentimes would rather be dreaming than living my life now.I did finish it though and maybe if there had been more editing done with the dream sequences...there wouldn't have been enough left of the book.Because I finished it...I give it a 2 out of 5 stars.
samantha.1020 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Forever Lily is a memoir that begins with Beth Nonte Russell traveling with her friend Alex to China. Alex is going to China to bring home the daughter that she is adopting and asks to Beth to go along with her. Before and during the trip, Beth has vivid dreams of living in China in a past life. Unfortunately, once they have the baby Alex begins withdrawing from her and Beth begins caring for the baby instead. And then comes the time when Alex says she can't take the baby and has changed her mind. Beth has a decision to make and this book takes us through her journey as she realized that she cannot leave the baby behind.Wow! I had strong feelings about this book but it pulled me into two different directions. The journey that Beth takes the reader on, that she actually experienced for herself is amazing. She shares the horrors of seeing the orphanage where the baby was living and hard it was to walk away from the children living there. It is easy to understand how and why she grows attached to the baby and to see the reasoning on why she doesn't want to leave the baby behind. Also the difficulties she faces with Alex are portrayed which was interesting to read about as well. On the other hand, I had a hard time with this book at the beginning because of our different belief systems (I guess that is the best way to put it). The author obviously believes in past lives and believes that she was from China in a previous life. She shared her "dreams" that she was having and they were very vivid and detailed. I had a hard time reconciling this until I finally just let go. I decided to read the book with more of the opinion that this was her beliefs and even if I was skeptical to just read and enjoy. Once I did that I enjoyed the book much more and found the author's story much more satisfying. All in all, I enjoyed this story especially as I am a mother myself. The ending of this memoir was immensely satisfying and I'm glad that I gave this book a try. Thanks to the author for sending me this one to review!
Bbexlibris on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Beth Nonte Russell shares her story in this personal memoir of her voyage to China with her friend Alex. Alex has been trying to adopt a baby from China for a year and a half, when she gets the approval she chooses her friend Beth to go with her. Beth feels she is an unlikely choice, as they are just casual friends and she hasn't been very close in the last several months, but never a woman to turn down an adventure she agrees.Alex goes throughout a series of doubt and withdrawals while they are in china, she says she just, "doesn't love this baby". The author takes the reader through her own roller coaster of emotions which are choreographed all too well with the manipulation of her friend Alex. She wants the baby, then she doesn't, wants it, then doesn't- the whole time Beth is falling more and more in love with this delightful baby girl. What could be her fate if not brought back to America? She is already months behind in physical and mental development, and soon will probably just fail to thrive.I wished I would fall in love with this book, and I didn't. I thought it was interesting, but it was too much about the relationship between the two American women and not enough about the baby's or the orphanages or china. The little glimpses of those things that are there are beautiful and a joy to read about. All of the internal wars between the women- that is something that I could have done without. I think that if you were really interested in international adoption it might be different. This one just wasn't for me, I would have preferred the author to tell of a different adoption that wasn't so much about her relationship with Alex, more about their family, and how the girl ended up being integrated into their family.Also (not to rip on it) but throughout the book there are dreams, dreams that are supposed to be her past connection with this particular child. It was too strange (and disjointed) and didn't really work for me.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I read this in 2007 and its a deep and sometimes heartwrenching story to read, although satisfying. Its been 8 years and i still recall on this book as one that stood out.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
i havent read the book but i know lily russel she goes to my school omg!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I am a Social Work student and did a project on China's lost children and how often girls are "thrown away" and abandoned. I have a little cousin who is about 6 now that was adopted from China. I became interested and wanted to read more...I stumbled upon this book. The picture is what drew me in actually. It is a great book about an unexpected addition to a family.
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Teacher-Teacher-SD More than 1 year ago
I actually bought this book at the $0.99 store and was amazed at how great of a read it was. From the very beginning I was riveted. I would recommend it to anybody who works with children from disadvantaged areas or who just wants a bit if insight into the lives of others
ncsu4ganne More than 1 year ago
I read this book about 2 years ago & the story has stayed with me. Halfway through the book I had to look back to be sure that this was non-fiction. It was such an amazing story. I disagree with the other reviewer that said that Beth took advantage of Alex. It was very obvious that Alex was not a bit unsure & in need of simple encouragement but that she did not want this child & was even repelled by the sight of her. I feel that Lily was meant to be Beth's child just the same if she had given birth to her. God put her there for that reason - that's why Alex asked an acquaintance (Beth) to accompany her to China. I am recommending this book for my book club & hope it makes our list. I think it will lead to a very lively discussion. This is one of my top 10 favorite books! MUST READ!!
Guest More than 1 year ago
I could not believe the way Alex kept flip-flopping for the most bizarre reasons such as the age of the baby. This woman was unstable and thank goodness for Beth.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I don't know where to begin. Let me just say I am an adoptive mother of 3 daughters including one from China. The descriptions of the adoption process and the beautiful city of Guangzhou in this book are dead on. BUT---the story is horrifying. Beth virtually stole Alex's child from her while Alex was having very real but very normal anxieties about adoption with her husband half a world away. Each time I went through the adoption process I had HUGE doubts particularly with my Chinese adoption. If I didn't have a ton of support I may have made terrible decisions about whether or not I was doing the right thing. God forbid I traveled with Beth, as my beautiful and much loved daughter may be living with her instead of in our family right now. It is totally normal to have severe post-partum style depression in the adoption process. Beth took advantage of that in a big way rather than being a friend and support to Alex. While I have no doubt that Lily is in a loving home, my heart aches for Alex and the horrible ending to her story.