Table of Contents
Introduction 9
Chapter 1 Interior Design Fundamentals
When You Have a Gay Midlife Crisis 14
What to Do with That TV Money 22
Let's Face It, You Need a Beach House 30
Creating a Home That Is Inviting Yet Intimidating 38
When You Realize You're Losing Your Mind So You Move to Suburbia 46
When You Design Your Dream, Home with Your Boyfriend Then He Dumps You 54
When You Finally Get Your Own Place After Living with Roommates Forever 63
Chapter 2 Design Tips-N-Tricks
Picking a Wall Color That Won't Make You Barf 74
Hanging Art Sucks Let's Do It Together 82
Selecting a Rug That's Not a Huge Bitch 88
Intergenerational Relationships: Mixing and Matching Vintage and New 94
Common Rookie Mistakes to Avoid 100
Down in the Dumps: Creating a Post-Breakup Space Where Your Life Can Stop Sucking 104
Creating a Space That Reflects Your Awful Personality 110
If Your Kids Are Brats It's Probably Your Fault for Not Making Their Rooms Cute Enough 115
Crisis of Masculinity: Designing for Dudes 122
Chapter 3 Homme Life
How to Make Non-Garbagey Flower Arrangements 132
How to Throw a Major Rager 135
What You Need in Your Dumb Kitchen 142
How to Throw a Dinner Party for Like No Money 146
Begrudgingly Hosting a Guest 152
How to Be Your Own Maid 158
Plant Your Rage in a Container Garden 162
Chapter 4 Life Advice
Living with a Roommate or Boyfriend Is Terrible 170
What to Do When All Your Friends Have Babies at Once 174
What to Do When You Randomly Gain 50 Pounds 178
How to Deal with a Soul-Sucking Breakup 182
What to Do When You've Been Laid Off and Your Life Is Ruined Forever 188
I Hate Your Wedding 193
Do You Hate Your Friends? 196
Chapter 5 Do It Yourself
How to Make Your Own Orblando Out of Hardware Store Garbage 202
Make Your Own Goddamn Coffee Table 206
A Basic Tray to Impress Your Friends Who Are Also Basic 211
I'm Ashamed of This Shitty DIY 216
A Side Piece For Your Sofa 220
Making a Wooden Bench as Simple as Your Mom 224
Life Is Meaningless Let's Make a Swing Shelf 228
Conclusion 232
Acknowledgments 234
Index 235