I Left Myself Behind: A Selection of Poems and Prose Dedicated to Abused Women

by Carol Samuels

Overview

Offering vibrant imagery and eloquent language, I Left Myself Behind presents a collection of poetry and prose that speaks to the tragedy and triumph of abused women around the world.

I Let Myself Behind is divided into three sections: Reflections, Life, and Thoughts of Healing. With each poem, author Carol Samuels transforms the complicated mixture of human emotions into verse. Her poetry features a stirring momentum and striking use of both end rhyme and internal rhyme, creating a harmonious blend sure to evoke a myriad of feelings.

In “Beginning of the End,” Samuels shows how love and pain are often not the same, while “Ego Tripping” warns a woman to be on guard against the ugly words of egotistical men disguised as cajolery. “Know Oneself” gently reminds us of the crucial importance of forgiving ourselves, learning our lesson, and moving forward.

For some the road to affection, appreciation, lust, and love can be complicated and filled with inexpressible pain. In response, each day we climb mountains, jump hurdles, meet the challenges and forget our differences in order to survive—a struggle that I Left Myself Behind seeks to express.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781475972856
Publisher:	iUniverse, Incorporated
Publication date:	01/31/2013
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	138
File size:	858 KB

Read an Excerpt

I Left Myself Behind

A Selection of Poems and Prose Dedicated to Abused Women

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By Carol Samuels

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2013 Carol Samuels
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-7287-0

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Chapter One

1-LOVE NO POWER WITHOUT

Describe love by the softness of it's curves not the angles of its square corners, not the pain not the sorry ... for love is not there or here or anywhere that has rough edges it soothes, smoothes ... it's not to protest you, molest, abuse, lose, booze, snooze or groove you ... drain, de-brain, de-fame nor claim, frame or push its insane on you ... for love is clarity ... no blindness, nor darkness ... but light, beauty, truth, comfort, gladness ... giving shelter from the rain/pain and the insane of society. it is the brightness at the end of the tunnel ... it is the fearlessness of the escape, it is the quench of the thirst, the cool of the breeze, the heat to the fire, the smell of the magnolia, the twinkle of the star, the cure of the dis-ease, the flight of the hummingbird, the ripple of the water, the taste of the dessert or the evolution of life ... no hell just happiness, it is the coming of the next moment/second in time, it is the opening of the flower's petals ... it is the purring of the cat, it is the whistling of the wind in the tree branches ... the flickering sunlight through the leaves, the release of the breath on the exhale, the calm that defies the storm ... the I am of the I am ... the power within since there is no power without that is the love our marriage is about ...

2-WHAT DO I SEE

What do I see when I see you ... beauty from the floor up, fabulous from the head down, soft warm moist breezes floating across the calm clear blue water, dew drops dripping down blades of tall grass reflecting sunlight like diamond facets shimmering, sparkling, glistering, dancing, romancing ... while gently you caress the air as you move through the space between us ... commanding justified attention as you shower your essence on the world like spring rain bouncing and pacing on a dirt road, splashing more dust then water ... you focusing on both where you came from and where you are going with a mind actively a buzz like bees on a honey comb ... I see the scent of a man and the salt of your perspiration and think of the dill in pickles, the tartness of cransberries with the aroma of musk over taking both of us ... what do I see when I see you ... the tulip opens and soak in the sun drinking its warmth and light ... a snowflake melting changing, evolving to whence it came ... soft drip of water in a warm open pink palm rapidly evaporating ... the sting of a bee and the delayed itch of a mosquito bite ... summer moving toward the beauty of fall, the hot and cold of it all ... what do I see when I see you ... with closed eyes the rainbows, the pot of gold, the eyes of the soul, green grass as we bask in the sun making wishes on the moon with climaxes too soon ... the loud drumming of the clock with its tick-tock spaced decades apart, time running in endless space ... wild flowers tamely, uniformly growing in the garden of life, splashes of brillant colors together side by side respecting, loving, complimenting each other united in distinctly unique beauty as the perfume of life ... candles burning, flames flickering, ringlets of smoke escaping to heaven, kids playing in the park, loud smiles, quiet laughter, people going nowhere everywhere ... warming ice to get cold water ... what do I see when I see you ... the light, the darkness, the top of the hill ... love don't kill, we are ad infinitum since we became an item with the sun on the horizon ... eutopia that is you to me ... that is what I see ... you and me ...

    3-DAUGHTERS OF THE WORLD

    Daughters of the world ...
    stop the fight and live the life you are meant to have/live
    daughters!!! the world screams behind dry tears ...
    stop the fight ... the fight for your father's love.
    the fight for your father's approval
    stop the tears, loud laughter, over eating, over dressing, over working,
    over sleeping, over doing, over drugging ...
    all that you do to get love, appraisal and approval from the father/man you
    love

    stop looking for love in all the wrong places ... in all the wrong people
    who have you over working, over eating, over doing, over drugging ...
    there ain't enough painkillers and vitamins to quiet the pain
    not enough food to fill the hunger, not enough water to drown the
    sorrow, not enough sleep to erase the tired, not enough pretty in your dressing
    for him to see the beauty, not enough tears to quell the fears, not enough
    laughter for the funny to shield your fate, not enough strength to hide your
    weakness, not enough work to ever get his applaud, appraisal, and approval ...
    there is never enough giving while you're still living and your dying won't
    keep him from lying ...
    cause he can't give, cause he don't recognize
    cause he don't appreciate, cause he don't respect,
    cause he don't believe, cause he don't feel
    because he don't see the good, he don't see the beauty,
    he don't see the love, he don't see the light, he don't see the lord

    but you have the love of the one father that brought you here ...
    the Most High made you daughters of the world ...
    the backbone of humanity, the building blocks of life,
    the carrier of child, the nurturer ... the appraiser,
    the teacher ... the enthusiast, the lover ... the encourager
    the mother ... the beauty, the good ... the positive,
    the worker ... the healer, the giver ... the forgiver

    stop the fight for your father's love, appraisal and approval
    I applaud you ... I celebrate you, I understand you
    I love you ... I respect you ... I ... your inner self am the real you
    I hold my hand out to you, to bring you up ... to encourage you
    to stop the fight and live the life you are meant to have
    the faith ... the confidence, the love ... the hope,
    the trust ... the intellect,
    the spirit ... the wit, the laughter ...
    the joy of a job well done
    the love of life ... the blue of the sky
    the wet of water ... the twinkle of stars
    the smell of flowers ... the taste of honey

    the sparkle of diamonds ... the laughter of children
    the smile of delight ... the mother's wit ... the mother within
    the bible says see the root of the matter is found in me(job19:28) ...
    so it's not your father's approval that will carry you through
    the inner strength ... the power within ... the source
    the Most High is the redeemer, the rock of the daughters of the world.
    be strong, break down the walls drop the baggage,
    take a stand, he is just a man ... you need your own approval, praise and applause.
    if only to stop being lonely,
    stop the fight and live the life you are meant to have
    and daughters of the world be full time mothers to your girls ...
    stop the fight and live the life ... the life you are meant to live
    for you must know that your father does love you ...
    he loves in his own special undocumented way ...
    without the applaud, the appraisal, the outward approval and
    with out him and you ever tangibly knowing for any multiple of reasons
    so stop the fight and live and love the life you are meant to have ....


    4-HOW DO YOU FEEL

    How do you feel ... feel good like clouds and wind churning up the butter of the
    sky, leaves fluttering on the trees, twirling, twisting, swaying, waves of the ebb
    tide glistening bubbles, like twinkling stars ... like watching ants and worms
    dance and grass grow.. and the sun setting ... wind whistling ... listening to
    silence and day dreaming ... experiencing the inhale prior to the exhale ...
    savor the smile, indulge the laughter, radiate the positive, suck in the energy,
    bask in the warmth of the moment ...
    how do I feel ... feel with the mind, the reality of life, the comfort of the thought,
    the essence of living, breathing, thriving, surviving the rat race of it all.
    appreciating the good, the sensuous, not seeing the ugly and the bad,
    not energizing the negative ...
    love gives flame heat ... fame to the positive and shame to the negative.
    how do I feel
    close to yet separate from ... free and independent from the all, part of the
    whole and removed from the all ... watching from the wings, yet being in the
    midst, whirling, swirling in the turbulance of being actively at rest ...
    how do I feel ... when I don't feel anything at all.


    5-LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

    Like a feather floating in the air
    like a whisper on the wind
    like a ride into the sunset
    like the ebb of the tide
    like the curve of the rainbow
    like the rustle of the leaves on the trees
    like the rising of the sun
    like the smell of the sea
    like the call of the wild
    we chase the illusive butterfly
    the dreams of tomorrow
    the nightmares of the past
    the lost of the now the inconceiveableness of forever
    the feel of the smell
    the smell of the touch
    do we get it all wrong ...
    trying to make it correct
    the making of it destroys the creativeness
    the uniqueness
    the beauty
    the reality of it
    the evolution of it

    like taking the shine of the sun
    like taking the wet of the water
    like taking the touch from the caress
    like taking the taste from the smell
    and the smell from the taste
    like taking the swallow from the drink
    like taking knowledge from the wisdom
    we chase the illusive butterfly
    whose life / existence is minute
    thus we seek only the light in the darkness ...


    6-IT STANDS TO REASON MY DEAR

    It stands to reason my dear
    why boy hates girl
    why winter opposes summer
    why fish swim, birds fly
    why east meets conflict
    when west gets involved
    why hell freezes over
    and heaven closes its pearly gates
    why fingers touch and ears hear
    why there was jonah and the whale
    and noah and the ark
    the mouse scares the elephant
    why eyes see
    why tongues taste
    it stands to reason my dear
    that highs reflect lows
    the kiss of death seals love and life
    the downtrodden needs to be built up
    and the big head can't see the ground
    and so it stands to reason my dear
    why I don't want you around ...


    7-DELICIOUS BUDDIES MAKE ME SMILE

    Lucious buddies make me smile
    hold my hand for just a little while
    focus my attention on your smile
    your wiggle and your style
    aiming my center of attention at
    the core of what I am looking fore
    a moment of your sunshine while
    looking at you from behind
    shelter from the rain
    as I stand in your shadow
    clarity as I look at the twinkle in your eyes
    protection in the strength of your embrace
    laugther at your attempts of funmaking
    royality as you prop me on a pedestal
    lucious buddie make me smile
    hold my hand for just a little while
    feel like venus among the stars
    as you profess your love for me
    with lines I have heard all before ...
    you are like an aphrodisiac
    a cool glass of wine
    a swim in the ocean

    oysters on the half shell
    strawberries dipped in chocolate
    naked bodies glistening with oil
    luscious buddies make me smile
    hold my hand for just a little while
    I mix safety and sexy all together
    with the twist of your wrist
    I live in the moment not giving
    value to all your slip and slide
    nor the ego you hide behind
    lucious buddies make me smile
    hold my hand for just a little while
    as i focus my attention at the core
    of what i am looking fore ...
    turkey gobble shift and shame
    we both know this is just a game
    let's ride this mile out all the same
    lucious buddies make me smile
    knowing there is no future
    all the while ...


    8-COLD


    Cold that ain't got nothing to do with the weather
    nothing to do with disease
    nothing to do with pain, runny nose, running away, cold
    cold with fear, loss, death ...
    cold closes the throat, waters the eyes,
    aches the head, sours the stomach,
    cold realizes the fear,
    shortens the breath,
    pains the back,
    cold in death for life is warm
    cold in death for life is warm
    cold in relationships for love is warm
    cold in tears for smiles are warm
    cold in weather for summer is warm
    cold in stagnation/procrastination for fraction is hot
    hot like going to the spa or a night at the bar
    being bold enough to do the hot
    when there is ever a breeze of the cold
    is keeping it warm ...


    9-BEGINNING OF THE END

    It is the beginning of the end of this love affair
    not because the trust is gone
    not because the lies are too long
    not because the smile is not there
    and the laugther has turned to a sneer
    not because your feelings are elsewhere
    not because your body is away from here
    and your arguments are unfair
    and you lose ability to share
    and whatever I say you just don't hear
    not because your love has turned to hate
    even toward the food on the plate
    not because you call me outta my name
    and try to defame ...
    not because your stride isn't bold
    and there's no tight to your hold
    and your stare is cold
    it is all about the slap
    that I can't give you no slack
    we use to ride out a storm
    but not this form of abuse
    you let loose ... its put a noose in our love

    and choked its life away from here
    it's the beginning of the end of
    this love affair 'cause you can't
    stay here or anywhere near
    living in fear is the one thing we can't bear
    so go somewhere away from here my dear
    because it's the beginning of the end
    of this love affair !!!


    10-TODAY

    Finding my way while losing my way
    I don't want to feel loss today
    I want to be found today
    I don't want to have a need for love
    I want to be loved today
    I don't want to wander around aimlessly today
    I want a sense of direction and purpose
    not the sense beat into me,
    since it's really tenderness I seek
    am I attracting loneness, sadness, feelings of desparation
    I need to be needed today
    I need to be needed today
    will you feed my hunger
    quench my thirst
    stroke my ego
    allow me to let go and fall into security
    walk in faith
    let my fears escape
    hold onto the rainbow
    ride out the curve
    make a big splash
    let the sparkling diamonds burst into the air

    wetting up and dripping down the canvas of life
    illuminating the horizon
    brightening the future
    warming the now
    making hot love to the very fabric of the earth
    falling into the depths
    ripping holes of happiness
    into the craters of life
    no fisticuffs for us
    just love from above
    will you make my day ... today


    11-LONELY

    I got two eyes two ears two nares two legs
    two arms two sets of chambers to my heart
    and two ways to make love passionate and platonic
    just waiting for you to get on it

    a nickel for a pickle in days gone past
    a penny for each question asked
    if I said I love you to those when I passed
    and didn't turn up my nose
    at those that needed a second glance

    I wouldn't be here lonely today
    judging folks on a scale all mine from one to nine
    weighed with baggage from those
    that had taken advantage in early times
    believing being cute and girlie is all I thought
    had class not realizing those things too shall pass
    and my youth won't last

    wouldn't be here lonely today
    trying to find my way
    been through the thugs and seems that was fun
    wth the excitement and drama trying to be mama to each

    know nothing know it all
    thinking I was having a ball
    instead of being with the geek
    and his stink feet, whose only call outside my name
    would be honey I'll wash the dishes in the sink
    or honey what do you think ...
    he would be doing the expected and life wouldn't be so hectic
    in years gone by I thought the mundane was a shame
    I cried I want to live my life my way
    till I am found lonely this day
    and my nerves all a fray

    where's the ugly one too tall too fat too poor too short???
    I need him today if only for moral support
    where's the one that didn't drink,
    didn't smoke, didn't take dope
    and was the delight of my folks
    he wanting to get married and settle down my life
    I ran the other way
    like I hadn't done everything twice
    now I got to face this fight alone and with fright
    advertising in personal columns

    I got two eyes two ears two nares two legs
    two arms two sets of chambers to my heart
    and two ways to make love passionate and platonic ...
    just waiting for you to get on it ...

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from I Left Myself Behind by Carol Samuels Copyright © 2013 by Carol Samuels. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

DEDICATION....................ix
INTRODUCTION....................xi
Section I: Reflections....................1
1-LOVE NO POWER WITHOUT....................3
2-WHAT DO I SEE....................4
3-DAUGHTERS OF THE WORLD....................7
4-HOW DO YOU FEEL....................10
5-LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS....................12
6-IT STANDS TO REASON MY DEAR....................14
7-DELICIOUS BUDDIES MAKE ME SMILE....................15
8-COLD....................17
9-BEGINNING OF THE END....................18
10-TODAY....................20
11-LONELY....................22
12-THE BEAUTY OF NO PAIN - HAPPINESS....................25
13-A FRIEND FOR THE NIGHT....................27
14-MELANCHOLY....................29
15-EGO TRIPPING....................31
16-JUST OUT HAVING A DRINK....................34
17-AND THE MOON REMAINS....................36
18-THE LAST LAUGH OR A COMICAL TRAGEDY....................37
19-I LEFT MYSELF BEHIND....................40
20-TO DO OR NOT TO DO....................43
21-SKIN....................45
22-ROOTSSTEP OUTTA THE TRAP....................47
23-IF YOU LOVE ME....................52
24-WHY I LOVE YOU....................53
25-GET GROUNDED....................56
26-DON'T DO IT....................57
27-THIS TOO SHALL PASS - GROWING PAINS....................59
28-LET IT BE....................61
Section II: Life....................63
29-LIFE....................65
30-LET THERE BE MEANING TO LIVING....................66
31-LIFEIT'S JUST SOUP....................69
32-ME MYSELF AND I AM....................71
33-I KEEP MY EYES ON HEAVEN....................76
34-CAN'T FIND NO REASON NOT TO LOVE YOU....................79
35-HOW WE SURVIVE....................82
36-CAN'T WAIT....................83
37-THREE LITTLE WORDS....................87
38-WHERE ARE YOU WHERE ARE AM I....................91
39-DAY AND NIGHT....................93
40-NO LIFE / SUICIDE....................94
41-AN EXTENSION OF HIS PERFECTION....................96
42-NO THINGS WON'T BE THE SAME....................98
43-THE GREATEST FINDNEVER LOST....................101
Section III: Thoughts of Healing....................105
44-TO KNOW ONESELF....................107
45-DO WHAT YOU FEEL....................108
46-GETTING THERE....................110
47-THE RE-CREATION OF LIFE....................113
48-REHABILITATION LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN....................116
49-SMELLING MY OWN COFFEE....................118
50-EYES ON THE FUTURE, LET NO HURDLE BE DISARMING....................120
GLOSSARY....................123
INDEX....................125