If I Can't Have You: Renaissance Collection

If I Can't Have You: Renaissance Collection

by Dawn Jiles

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781601621078
Publisher: Kensington
Publication date: 12/18/2018
Pages: 384
Product dimensions: 4.12(w) x 6.72(h) x 1.29(d)

About the Author

Dawn Jiles was born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She dreamed of becoming an author from the age of 13, when she began writing short stories. She fulfilled that dream when she met author Racquel Williams, who helped her publish several e-book titles. She believes she has found her passion. Her goal is to become a New York Times bestseller, and she won't let up until she gets there.

Read an Excerpt



"Monique, wake your butt up and get ready for school. Do not let me have to tell you twice!" my mother screamed from the bottom of the stairs.

I lay on my back and rolled my eyes to the ceiling. I hated school! It was not because I didn't want to be educated; I just really hated the way the other kids made me feel. They'd tease me and call me all types of names. They called me black, fat monkey, and Miss Piggy. I would pinch my nose to stop the tears that formed in my eyes. Although I was alone, I would not give them the satisfaction of a tear.

I climbed out of my bed and headed for my bathroom. I was an only child being raised by both parents. My mom was a nurse, and my father was a lawyer. They gave me everything my heart desired, but I still found myself sad all the time.

Once I was in the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror. Yeah, I could stand to lose a few pounds, and I could probably do something different with my hair, but I was really not an ugly girl. I was five feet, four inches tall, with green eyes and long, silky jet-black hair. I had a huge ass, nice-size breasts, and smooth mocha skin. I weighed almost 250 pounds, and I was dark skinned, and that was all people seemed to notice.

I was seventeen years old, and I would be a senior in high school the next year. Thank God this was my last week of my junior year of high school. If it were not for my best friends, Samariah and Bria, I would probably get bullied more often.

I showered, got dressed, and threw on a pink jogging suit from Victoria's Secret. It was early June, but in Milwaukee it still felt like it was winter outside.

I ran out of the house and hopped into my 2011 fire-red Audi coupe, which my parents had got me for my sixteenth birthday. I sped out of the driveway, on my way to school. First, I would pick up Bria and Samariah, Sam for short. My BFFs were two of the most popular girls in school. We had been friends since grade school and had been inseparable since then.

Sam was light skinned, with big breasts and one of the biggest asses I had ever seen. She had a flat tummy and a small waist. She looked like a thicker version of Nicki Minaj. Every guy at our high school wanted her, and all the chicks wanted to be her. Bria had a hazel complexion, with these exotic-looking eyes. She was about five feet tall, with nice, perky breasts. She had absolutely no ass, but you couldn't tell her that. She was slim, and her hair was cut short, like that chick from the show Empire.

I picked them up, and we headed to school.

"Bitches!" screamed Sam. "Why has Eric been blowing up my damn phone? He knows I'm with Kevin. Just because I let him eat this good pussy doesn't mean I want his ass." She scrunched up her face and rolled her eyes.

"Why the hell are you scrunching up your face? You knew what you were doing when you allowed him to do that to you," Bria said. "And to top it all off, they are best friends, ho!" Bria was the type to always speak her mind. She didn't bite her tongue for anyone.

"You know Bria is right, Sam. Why would you mess with him, knowing that him and Kevin are best friends?" I asked.

"And turn down great head? That's nonsense!" Sam responded with a straight face.

"You know this ho is a ho. She ain't turning down no nigga," Bria said, shaking her head at Sam and laughing.

Sam had slept with a lot of guys in our school and outside of the school. Everybody seemed to know about it, except her boyfriend, Kevin. They had been together for about two years now, and once he took her virginity, she just couldn't get enough of sex.

"Well, if you two virgin bitches will start fucking somebody, you will understand where I'm coming from. Bria, you and David have been together for years, and you haven't given him any. You better hope he's not getting it from somebody else," Sam said.

"I'll pass, and my man is faithful, but you don't know the meaning of that," Bria said, annoyed.

I thought about sex sometimes and what it would be like, but I had never had a boyfriend, and no one ever seemed to be interested in me. There was this one guy named Corey, who was the star of our basketball team. I had the biggest crush on him. He was so fine, but he didn't even notice me.

We made it to school and rushed to our classes. The day went by quickly. As we headed to my car, after the last bell rang, Kevin ran up behind us and grabbed Sam by the waist.

"What's up, ladies?" he said to Bria and me. Bria and I nodded our heads, and Sam gave him a fat kiss on the lips. "Y'all know I'm throwing an end of the school year bash at my house? It's going to be cracking super hard. Y'all down?" asked Kevin.

"Baby, you know I'm going to be there," Sam said.

"Me too," Bria said.

"I guess I'll be there as well," I said, joining in.

Kevin whispered something in Sam's ear, and she began to blush. "I'll talk to you bitches later. I'm leaving with Kevin," Sam said. She swished that big ole ass as she walked off.

Bria and I got in my car and headed home.


I was not your average seventeen-year-old. I had the body of a grown woman; I was definitely shaped like the number eight. Couldn't none of these bitches compete with me. With my small waist, big ass, and the face to match, there was no competition. I had all the niggas sweating my shit, and I couldn't blame them. They liked what they saw. I could have any nigga I wanted; I didn't care if he had a girl. If I wanted him, I was getting him.

I loved my boyfriend, Kevin, but he was starting to bore me. It was the same old shit with him. He didn't know how to please my body, which was the very reason I cheated. I know you're thinking, This ho, but there was just something about sex. I loved it! I absolutely had to have it. It made me feel good, and I love being wanted.

If I could have sex all day, I would — just not with Kevin's boring ass. I had tried to teach him how to fuck me, but he just didn't get it. That was why when his best friend, Eric, told me that he wanted to taste me, I had to oblige. We did it right there in the girls' bathroom at our school, and it was some of the best head I had ever had. He licked, kissed, and sucked all over my kitty kat. He ate my pussy so good that I wanted to get some of that dick, but the bell rang, and I had to get to class. I might be a ho, but I was going to be an educated ho. Eric kept calling and texting me, telling me that he wanted to finish what we started. I just might take him up on that offer.

I got in the car with Kevin, and we headed to his house. When I was with my BFFs, he had whispered in my ear that he wanted to beat my pussy up, and my kitty kat had started to throb. Although Kevin's sex wasn't that great, I knew how to get myself off when I was with him. Corey was the best sex partner I'd ever had. Yes, I'm talking about the Corey that my best friend Monique is in love with. She had had the biggest crush on him since the ninth grade, but her fat ass had never made a move. Even if she had, that wouldn't stop me. Like I said, I got whomever I wanted, when I wanted them. I didn't care if he was my best friend's man. Just thinking about Corey's fine ass made me want to play with my kitty.

"Baby, let's try something different today. Let's park somewhere secluded and do it in the car," Kevin said.

"Okay. But where will we go?" I said.

Kevin thought he was the only man I had ever been with. Granted he took my virginity, but if he really knew the truth, he would probably beat my ass. I had been fucking different niggas since about a month after we first had sex.

"Let's go to Washington Park. I know a little hidden spot around that way," Kevin said excitedly.

"Let's do it, then," I said.

We headed toward Washington Park and reached our destination. He quickly started to undress me. With Kevin, there was absolutely no foreplay. He always took off my clothes and got right to fucking. Today he surprised me; he took my 40DD titties and put them in his mouth. That shit felt so good, but as soon as it got good, he pulled his six-inch dick out and entered me. He gave me a few good pumps, and it was over in two minutes, tops. Kevin's problems were that his penis wasn't that big and he couldn't hang. I was pissed the fuck off, but I hid my anger. I guessed I'd be taking Eric up on his offer, 'cause this shit here was for the birds.


I didn't know what was wrong with my best friend Sam. I loved her, but I hated the decisions she made.

I had had a steady boyfriend since the ninth grade. His name was David, and my man was fine. He was light skinned, with black and honey-blond dreads. He was a little on the chunky side, but it was mostly muscle. He was about five-eleven, and he was the star quarterback of our football team. David treated me so good that I couldn't have asked for a better man. I loved him. We were even going to the same college together.

My thoughts drifted off to Mo. I loved my best friend Monique, but she was always so sad. I knew it had a lot do with her weight and them teasing her at school, but when Sam and I were around, we put that shit to a stop.

"I don't know how I feel about going to this party. They are all going to be making fun of me," Monique said.

"Listen, Mo, I'm not going to let none of them bums at school mess with you," I yelled into the phone.

A few days had passed since Kevin invited us to the party, and as you can see, Mo was nervous as hell.

"If I could just lose weight, people wouldn't make fun of me. I hate being big," Mo said.

"Mo, you are beautiful. Big and all, but if you don't like what you see, do something about it. You can always lose the weight, but you have never put forth the effort. You complain to me all the time about how big you are, but you never try to change it," I said.

My girl Monique was so beautiful, but I didn't think she realized how pretty she really was. She had been big since first grade, and she always complained about it but never put forth the effort to change it.

"You know what, Bria? You are absolutely right. I am going to start working on it right away," said Mo.

She sounded serious, so I hoped she did it. "Pull out something nice to wear and get ready for this party tomorrow," I said.

"Is David coming?" Mo asked.

"Girl, you know he is! He never misses a good party," I said. "I've got to go. It's time for dinner." We hung up the phone, and I went downstairs to eat dinner.

"So, how is David? He hasn't been over in a while," my mom said as we sat at the table.

"He's good," I said. My mom thought I was too young to be making plans to be with David. She had been with my dad since high school, so I didn't know why she was riding my back so hard. My mother was a stay-at-home wife and mother. She took good care of my brother and me, but sometimes she got on my damn nerves.

"I still think you're too young to be trying to settle down, even if he's a nice young man."

I didn't respond. I just rolled my eyes and continued to eat my food.

"Honey, leave her alone. If she wants to be with that boy, let her. As long as she keeps getting good grades and goes to college, I'm okay with it," my dad said with a stern face.

"But ...," my mom interjected.

"But nothing," my dad said, raising his hands to let my mom know the conversation was over.

We finished eating dinner, and then I rushed off to my room. I started thinking about David. Lately, he had been talking about having sex, but I was scared. Everyone talked about how good it felt, but I was just not sure if I was ready. What if things changed once we had sex? What if he broke up with me afterward? I had a lot of what-ifs. I did know I wanted him to be my first and only, but those what-ifs were holding me back.

* * *

It was Friday, and it was our last day of school. Today was also the day of the bash. We had decided to meet up over Sam's house to get dressed and go to the party. When we all arrived at Sam's, my girls and I were looking fly as hell. I had on this red Bebe halter dress with some matching red Bebe six-inch heels. Sam wore some blue jean booty shorts with a white sleeveless blouse and some white six-inch Steve Madden sandals. Her ass was hanging all out of those shorts, but that was how Sam liked it. Mo had on some cut-up skinny jeans and a fitted blazer with some Michael Kors flats. Even though my girl was insecure, she looked good tonight.

We headed out to the party, and we were so geeked.

"I think I'm going to fuck Eric tonight," said Sam.

"Um, you do know you're going to your boyfriend's party?" Mo said.

"So? What he doesn't know ain't going to hurt him. We will be careful with our shit. I does this," Sam said.

All I could do was shake my head. She behaved so recklessly. One day all the shit she did was going to catch up to her. I just didn't know how soon it would be.



We entered my man's party, and we were the hottest bitches in there. All eyes were on us, and I could see the envy in their eyes. I started shaking my big ass to one of Lil Wayne's new joints. I turned around, because I felt a pair of eyes on me. Eric was standing there watching me like a hawk. He is so fucking sexy, I thought.

He was six-two, dark skinned, with the whitest teeth that I had ever seen. He was dressed fly as hell, and his naturally curly 'fro was lined up perfectly — like Steve Harvey's used to be. Kevin walked up behind me, and I started to dance erotically, the whole time staring directly into Eric's eyes. I knew I had him hooked, and he wanted me just as bad as I wanted him. At first, I had played it off to my girls like I just wanted some head from him, but it was much deeper. I wanted to feel him deep inside of me, and it was going to happen tonight.

Somebody called Kevin's name, so we stopped dancing, and my girls walked over to me.

"Bitch, you think you were staring at Eric hard enough? Anybody with eyes can tell y'all fucking around," Bria said.

"Girl, you're tripping. Wasn't nobody paying attention to us," I said.

"Bitch, please. That's what you think," said Bria.

"What are you going to do when Kevin finds out? You can't keep doing dirt and thinking you won't get caught. I mean, you've slept with so many people, Sam," Mo whispered while shaking her head at me.

"Look, don't worry about me. I do what the fuck I want to do. You tramps are getting on my damn nerves," I said.

"Whatever," Bria said.

I walked away from them in search of Eric. I couldn't find him, so I texted him and told him to meet me in the basement. I snuck downstairs, where Kevin's older brother's room was. His brother was in the army, so no one was ever in there. About two minutes later, Eric's sexy ass walked down the stairs.

He walked up on me in the bedroom and began to kiss me on my lips. His tongue flicked in and out of my mouth like he was a pro. I pushed him on the bed and began to strip out of my clothes. I walked over to him and did the same thing to him. His dick was so hard, and it was big and thick as hell. My mouth began to water. I dropped to my knees, and I kissed the tip of his dick. I began sucking and licking on all ten inches of his beautiful black dick like my life depended on it. I had my eyes on him the entire time. His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and I knew I was giving him pure ecstasy. He picked me up and turned me upside down as he began to suck on my already wet pussy like a pro. I went back to sucking on his shit, and I felt like I was in heaven.

He quickly laid me on the bed, and he entered my hole. I was dripping wet. My walls clamped down on his dick as he filled me up. He began to stroke me at a slow pace. He flipped me over so that my ass was in the air. He entered me from behind and began to beat my pussy up. Just as I was about to cum, the bedroom door flew open.

I pushed Eric off me and covered my body. I immediately began to cry as I stared into Kevin's eyes.

"Aye, man. I'm sorry, bro. I know this is fucked up and hard to believe, but I am," Eric said.

"You know what, bro? I ain't even mad at you. It's this ho that I'm mad at. I guess I ain't enough for you. Everybody was telling me that you were a ho, but I wasn't trying to hear that shit," Kevin snarled.

I ran over to him and began to cry for his forgiveness. "Baby, I'm sorry! I love you so much. I will never cheat on you again. Baby, pl —" I said, but he cut me off.

"Bitch, get out of my face! You and me are done! You will never be my woman again," Kevin said as he pushed me off him. He walked off.

I fell to my knees and began to cry hysterically. Eric put his clothes on hurriedly and walked out the door without a word to me. I put my clothes on and took my ass home. I was so hurt because I had never really thought that my dirt would catch up to me. I really did love Kevin with all my heart, and I had never considered the fact that I could actually get caught. Everything was all messed up, and I didn't know what I was going to do.


Kevin stormed passed Bria and me, mad as hell.

"I wonder what's wrong with him?" Bria asked, reading my thoughts.

"I was wondering the same thing," I said nervously.


Excerpted from "If I Can't Have You"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Dawn Jiles.
Excerpted by permission of Urban Books, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Title Page,
Copyright Page,
Chapter One - Monique,
Chapter Two - Sam,
Chapter Three - Kevin,
Chapter Four - Corey,
Chapter Five - Corey,
Chapter Six - Kevin,
Chapter Seven - Monique,
Chapter Eight - Corey,
Chapter Nine - David,
Chapter Ten - Monique,
Chapter Eleven - Sam,
Chapter Twelve - Sam,
Chapter Thirteen - Bria,
Chapter Fourteen - Monique,
Chapter Fifteen - Sam,
Chapter Sixteen - Timothy,
Chapter Seventeen - Zoe,
Chapter Eighteen - Sam,
Chapter Nineteen - Zoe,
Chapter Twenty - Samariah,
Part 2,
Chapter Twenty-one - Mo,
Chapter Twenty-two - Sam,
Chapter Twenty-three - Corey,
Chapter Twenty-four - Kendra,
Chapter Twenty-five - Sam,
Chapter Twenty-six - Corey,
Chapter Twenty-seven - Mo,
Chapter Twenty-eight - Kendra,
Chapter Twenty-nine - Sam,
Chapter Thirty - Tim,
Chapter Thirty-one - Kevin,
Chapter Thirty-two - Sam,
Chapter Thirty-three - Zoe,
Chapter Thirty-four - Imani,
Chapter Thirty-five - Monique,
Chapter Thirty-Six - Sharon,
Chapter Thirty-seven - Meka,
Chapter Thirty-eight - Sharon,
Chapter Thirty-nine - Tim,
Chapter Forty - Monique,
Chapter Forty-one - Monique,

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