Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men

Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men


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Jennifer can’t believe it. Just married and pregnant, she discovers that her husband has been meeting Brad for sex. When confronted, Tom doesn’t deny it, but he insists it’s just “a thing” and he isn’t gay. Elsewhere, John’s wife, Karen, discovers that her husband likes to watch gay porn. John doesn’t understand his wife’s reaction. Why does she care what he watches if he’s not unfaithful? In couple’s therapy, Karen and Jennifer raise the same questions: Does this mean my husband is gay? Can my marriage survive?

These and other stories illustrate the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are “coming out.” These desires may only reflect a different side of a man’s sexuality or some response to childhood trauma or experiences they have not fully processed. Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and “straight men with gay interests” clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.

Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is intended to help couples understand how male sexuality can express itself in ways that may be difficult to understand. Many marriages have been hurriedly terminated when couples (and their therapists) have lacked the information they needed to understand their current situations. This book provides the clarity, describes the choices, and (in many cases) offers hope for relationships and marriages that have been brushed off as doomed.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781538127483
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
Publication date: 01/23/2019
Pages: 240
Sales rank: 552,742
Product dimensions: 5.96(w) x 9.02(h) x 0.71(d)

About the Author

Joe Kort, PhD, MSW, MA, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist and a board certified clinical sexologist specializing in sex therapy and sexual identity. He is a member of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the Academy of Certified Social Workers, and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Dr. Kort offers workshops for couples and singles, and he runs various therapy groups for men who are struggling with sexual issues. He is on the teaching faculty of the University of Michigan’s Sexual Health Certificate Program. He speaks and conducts workshops internationally, maintains and contributes to various blogs and online outlets, and writes newspaper and magazine articles. He is the author of three books, including Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide. He contributed a chapter on straight men who have sex with men in Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide For The Partners of Sex Addicts.

Alexander P. Morgan, PhD, is a scientist and writer. He is the co-author of When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, written with Dr. Kenneth Adams. A Woodrow Wilson Fellow and a National Science Foundation Fellow, he is a recipient of the Melville Medal from the American Society of Mechanical Engineers. He has published more than fifty professional articles. Dr. Morgan works with a variety of healthcare professionals to bring their expertise to the public in clear and accessible language.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xiii

Preface: Your Husband Probably Isn't Gay xv

I What Is Happening?

1 Jennifer's Conundrum: Straight Men Who Want Sex with Men 3

2 Tom's Compulsion: Why Would a Straight Man Want To Have Sex with Men? 13

3 An Irresistible Humiliation: Joel Loves Cuckolding 27

4 David Wants a Knock on His Back Door: Is He Gay? 45

5 Adam Must Be the Master: BDSM as an Identity 53

6 Carlos's Anxiety: Men Who Obsess about Being Gay 67

7 Sam Won't Cheat on Jillian: What Are the Bisexual Options? 77

8 Does Jacob Have to Leave Katelyn?: The Gay Husband 89

9 A Landscape of Identity and Desire: Straight Men Who Seem Gay 101

II What Can You Do?

10 His Secret Sex Life: Recovering from Betrayal 111

11 Core Sexual Scripts: Gateway to Understanding Troubling Sexual Behavior 119

12 Are You What You Orgasm?: Kinks That "Look Gay" 135

13 Your Man Is Gay or Bisexual: Now What? 147

14 Sex Fantasies and Sex Talk: How Much Do You Need to Know? 159

15 Writing It Down: A Joint Agreement about Sexual Boundaries 167

16 Why Else Do Straight Men Have Sex with Men?: A Miscellany 183

17 Next Steps: What Do I Ask after I Ask, "Is My Husband Gay?" 195

Appendix: How to Find a Therapist 199

Notes 205

Bibliography 213

Index 217

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