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When do you know for sure that you’ve become a parent? For Jenny Schoberl, it wasn’t when a human fell out of her lady parts or the first time her baby said “Mama.” It was when she found herself, a grown woman, hiding in the bathroom to eat a candy bar, just so she didn’t have to share.
Parenthood changes people’s lives in horrifying and inevitable ways. No matter how hard you resist, you soon find yourself being that parent far too often to deny it. It won’t be long before mom jeans and minivans are calling your name.
Discussing bowel movements over dinner? Guilty. Peeing with an audience? Check. Grocery shopping alone? Sounds like a tropical vacation! Watching cartoons hours after the kids have gone to bed? Now your only hobby!
What do you do when motherhood turns you into someone you hardly recognize? When you open your mouth and, holy hell, your mother comes out?
Kids Are Turds proves that you don’t need to be Super-Mom to be a “good” mom (whatever that is), but you absolutely do need a sense of humor to get through the hard days. Either that, or you can give in, yank up your mom jeans, and rock a mile-long camel toe. So for the love of retinas everywhere, be strong !
|Product dimensions:||5.40(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.70(d)|
About the Author
Jenny Schoberl is the founder of the popular Facebook community and mommy blog, Holdin’ Holden, a contributing writer to The Newsy Neighbor and Coastal Virginia Magazine, and has been named one of the Top 10 Funniest Moms on the Internet. Jenny spends most of her days chugging coffee, trying to keep up with her two children, Holden and Parker, and desperately hoping she is writing things that will one day embarrass her kids. Jenny resides in Newport News, Virginia.
Table of Contents
Introduction: Mom Jeans Anonymous vii
1 A Is for A-hole, B Is for Big Fat Baby 1
2 Who Needs the Bahamas When We Have Target? 6
3 If I Call Dinner "Din-Din" One More Time, Please Punch Me in the Uterus 10
4 MINE is a 4-Letter Word 14
5 The Tale of Chicken Doodoo, and Why Moms Can't Fart 18
6 How to Manipulate Your Kids into Reliving Your Childhood 23
7 Cartoons are My Crack, and Dora is My Dealer 28
8 Washable, My Ass! 32
9 How My Vagina Birthed a Nudist Colony 39
10 OPK (Other People's Kids), and Why They Are Like Farts 45
11 Tears are Contagious. So if You Start Crying, I -Will Have to Spray You in the Face with Lysol 51
12 No, I am Not Smarter than a Fifth Grader. Not Even Close 57
13 I Hope You Step on a Lego 62
14 Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner … Unless Baby is a Drunken Mom Who Never Gets Out 67
15 Thank the Sweet Grilled Cheezus for Canceled Plans 73
16 One Bin of Baby Shit Away from an Episode of Hoarders 77
17 Why All Parents Deserve a Frickin' Oscar 84
18 Look, Ma! I Can Pee and Brush My Teeth at the Same Time! And Other Terrible Ideas 90
19 A Mom Wouldn't Know Silence if it Crapped in its Hands and Clapped in her Face! 96
20 If You Haven't Manhandled Baby Poop, You Haven't Lived 101
21 I Shared My Uterus-Isn't That Enough? 112
22 The Many Mystical Uses of Mom Spit 118
23 Oh My God, I AM My Parents! 125
24 A Mother's Curse: This Ain't Your Period, Ladies 132
25 Everything but Those Hideous Tube Socks 137
26 Unless You Are Dying, Do NOT Bleed on My Carpet 142
27 Of all the Things I've Lost… Wait… What Did I Lose Again? 148
28 Making My Kids Need Therapy, One Day at a Time 154
29 TGIM: Thank God it's Frickin' Monday! 160
30 No, But Seriously. Go the FUCK to Sleep. 164
31 I'm a Lying Liar Who Lies Out of My Lying Liar Hole 168
32 When in Doubt, Blame the Sprout 174
33 The Poo Whisperer 177
34 How to Wear a Booger Like a Badge of Honor 184
Conclusion: Let's Wrap It Up! Unless You're Trying to Get Pregnant… 188