Mexico 86: "You've heard about the greatest World Cup of all time ... now here's the novel."

With football madman George Best AWOL on the eve of sports' biggest occasion, BBC producers need another colourful pundit to fill the ratings void for their Mexico '86 coverage. Far down their list is forgotten ex-England footballer Sam 'Rolls' Royce. Along with being a womanising drunkard who all the tabloids used to fawn over, the only box he ticks is that he's been AWOL in Acapulco for the last decade and they can save themselves a flight.

Out of practice with having a job, or even feedin...