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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781546251439 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 09/12/2018 |
| Pages: | 216 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.49(d) |
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
HOW THE HOTEL INDUSTRY GRABBED ME BY THE BALLS
When I was a child I would tell my mother that I wanted to be a bodybuilder, actor, wizard, entrepreneur, rich guy. But only in the hotel business could one become these things ... Or interact with the strange side of humanity that was these things and more.
While I was in my early 20's I had moved out of state for a little while, and by a series of events ended up returning to my hometown.
After returning I was in obvious need of a job. I recall the day I was hanging out with a friend of mine from high school named Morgan. We were hanging out and catching up. She had, a few months prior, been hired to do night audit.
Among our reminiscing, she told me this story about a recent ordeal. It was a tale where she suffered at the hands of a 16-year-old girl while working one night. For our purposes today, we will call this girl Mildred. I really don't know what her real name is, but I feel like Mildred is somehow fitting.
So, Morgan was standing at the desk that fateful evening. She was just working and minding her own business when this girl walked up to her at the desk.
Morgan had her head down and didn't hear this girl walk up. She happened to look up and upon making eye contact with this girl, the girl said to Morgan, "Hey! You wanna fight?"
"What?" Morgan said being rather taken back by this question.
"Do you wanna fight?!" The Mildred repeated.
"What?! No! Go away!" Morgan replied before continuing to attempt to get her work done for the night.
That was when the real fun began. This girl grabs the lamp that was on the desk and hits Morgan on the head with it.
"Oh my God! What the fuck?! You fucking dumb bitch!" Morgan exclaimed after being struck by the lamp before continuing with death threats and all sorts of vitriol.
This Mildred girl got freaked out not expecting Morgan to have any sort of reaction. Which I know is very strange. I mean, she hit someone in the head with a fucking lamp. What did she think was going to happen? But then again, the intelligence of this girl is questionable. She did after all try to start a fight with a random person and then was surprised when said person began threatening her life upon being assaulted with a lamp.
Who the hell assaults someone with a lamp anyway? I am aware that this incident occurred in a hotel and the number of blunt objects is limited, but a lamp? Really? Beside that this is now aggravated assault. Had she just punched Morgan this would have been bad enough, but now this has become a felony and who wants to be sitting in jail and having to explain that they are in for hitting someone with a lamp?
Morgan called the police. Being as Mildred was a minor her parents were brought to the desk to deal with this wonderful incident as well. I imagine they were super happy with her. They probably were named Hank and Kathy and I am sure they took her out for ice cream to celebrate her newest life achievement.
No charges were pressed against this girl, but she did have to pay for the lamp.
I really am not sure the reason behind not pressing charges. I don't know if they came to some agreement on top of the payment for the lamp or what. Morgan did say, and I quote, "My blood lust was untethered, and my rage knew no bounds. I wanted vengeance." She is quite the colorful character.
Even after hearing this story ... Call it being naive to the fact that such incidences are not uncommon in this industry, call it my desperate need for income, or maybe it was a bit of both ... I had to open my big mouth and ask Morgan if her workplace was hiring. And sure, as hell they were, and she even drove me down to the hotel to pick up an application.
I applied and the next day got a call for an interview for the day after. Within 48 hours of grabbing the application an interview would happen.
I remember during the interview I felt very confident. At one point I was asked how I felt about people which I said, "I love people! People are great!" I really wasn't lying. I used to enjoy people. Then overtime my I developed a deep seeded misanthropy.
Everything was moving very quickly and to me it seemed like I had a light at the end of the tunnel. Then the next day after my interview I got a phone call offering me the job which I accepted.
That day I opened a new chapter in my life.
I want to make this clear that I worked in a hotel not a motel. There is a difference. A hotel is the nice place you stay at on vacation where as a motel is the kind of place where every room has a meth lab and just walking in the lobby you will probably get hepatitis. One of the best descriptions I have heard to differentiate between the two was that a hotel is where you got to sleep with prostitutes where as a motel is where you go to murder prostitutes.
Like most people, I had worked in customer service jobs before. I also spent a good amount of time in sales too. Working in hospitality is a bit of both except predicting the future with whom you are going to encounter and what sort of headache they will bring you. I learned very quickly that you will meet all the walks of life. All the good, the bad, and the ugly ... especially the bad and ugly ones.
When I worked customer service jobs I complained all the time about the horrible customers we would get. But none of them held a candle to the guests I would deal with. The level of absurdity that they would bring (and continue to bring to all of those working in this industry) remains unmatched.
I want to make it very clear that this is not meant to be me complaining. This whole book is an expose' of the more memorable crazy experiences laid out in print for all of you to enjoy at my expense.
The accounts following this chapter are all true. Sit back and relish in the misery of others.
CHAPTER 2GLUTEN FREE LADY
My early career was punctuated by random episodes of finding myself at the front desk on various Friday mornings. One time, my general manager was up front with me. And it was just him. Just us. Two amigos. Yeah. Allow me to paint a picture of my place of employment:
My general manager, Jim, tunneled in and out of his office all day like an inexperienced drug mule. But I guess that was part of the job: a slave to the harsh yelps of customers and the red-black ink dance that splatters itself across our monthly reports. I got it. I just didn't like it.
I recall that morning well. I was wearing my uniform blue button up shirt, black slacks, and of course dress shoes. I looked like a total douche.
If hotels were ships, I was glued to my own special little perch, my own sphere of command: the left side of the desk that day. If you were standing on the opposite side of the desk than I do, then I would be on the right side of the desk. The other side was also closer to Jim's office which made it easier for him to pop out and help if need be.
So that morning was busy. Just full of traffic. Even for a morning coming off a sold-out night it was busy. I had a lobby full of people. Seating in the breakfast bar was full when I had arrived that morning but was slowly tapering off. There were just people coming and going all morning.
Thankfully so I did not have a continuous flow of asshole guests to deal with. Such times do come upon us, but this day was not one of them. I will say though that the assholes I dealt with that day ... The crazy psycho bitch lady and her shitbag husband were the equivalent of a constant flow of bullshit to deal with at work. So, I suppose really in all honesty the only thing to be thankful for is the fact that I can share this tale with all you readers out there.
I promise you that this story is completely true. This shit totally happened. At the time it was one of the stranger and rather annoying experiences of my life. However, I now can look back upon it fondly as it was indeed entertaining.
Here is what took place that day ...
I was just standing there working. You know simple shit. I would answer the phone, check guests out, help people find the freeway, look up the weather report for them, and in general just used my acting skills to make everyone I spoke to feel like I give a shit about them.
Then it happened. This woman, who will forever be known as Gluten Free Lady, walks up to me at the desk holding a Styrofoam plate and a banana.
She must have been in her early to mid to late 60's. She was wearing a light blue blouse and khakis. But not just any khakis. They were like the perfect pair of old people khakis. You know the kind of khakis you see older people wearing and the only explanation for this is that every senior citizen shop at the same goddamn store? They are the kind of pants one wears when they have given up on life. She was wearing those. So, I knew this was not going to go well for anyone.
This woman walks up to me and asks me, "Um, excuse me ... Is there ANYTHING over in the breakfast area that is gluten free? I have a gluten intolerance." In a rather snobby tone.
I proceeded to name off everything we offered for breakfast that was indeed gluten free, which was a good 75% of the fucking food over in the breakfast bar. And I did this while remaining to be very polite to her.
None of what I had said was in anyway what she wanted to hear. Gluten Free Lady was one of those people who is never fully satisfied with anything. She also wanted me to tell her something we had that not only was gluten free but something she enjoyed eating. I guess I'm supposed to be a fucking mind reader or something to be able to correctly guess what she would enjoy in this criterion and some sort of wizard where I could conjure all her heart's desires out of thin air.
After I exhausted every little thing we had to offer her she finally just said, "Oh great. There's nothing. I guess I will have to settle for a banana."
Just then her husband walked up. He was basically dressed like Mister Rogers except he was wearing polished loafers and not chucks. He also was not nearly as cool as Mister Rogers. This guy was a giant sack of shit. Mister Rogers on the other hand is one badass motherfucker.
This douche nozzle walks up next to her staring me down like he thought he could set me on fire with his mind like he was in a Stephen King story or something. He just walks up to me with a death glare, stands next to her and asks, "Is everything okay dear?" All the while staring at me like he wants me to die some horrible death.
She went into detail telling him about the heartache the hotel and I especially have caused her. He just says, "Well at least you have your banana waiting for you. I'll go get the rest of our things while you eat." He then proceeds to walk away back up to their room.
Across the lobby from the desk there stood a fireplace that blocks the view of the middle part of the breakfast bar seating area. Gluten Free Lady walks behind the fireplace and sits down. Which then created a blind spot in which I could not see Gluten Free Lady.
I had to see what exactly she was doing as morbid curiosity dictates. I just could not believe she would be eating with all the fuss she made. So, I moved to the side a bit to get a better view of her. I saw her just sitting there with her unpeeled banana on her plate while she looked around with a sad look on her face like a kid her lost their mom in Walmart.
I took it upon myself to forewarn Jim about my dealings with her because I had a feeling this was going to turn into an issue of epic proportion. And as luck would have it she walks her sad ass back up to the desk for some more groaning about the supposed lack of gluten free items for breakfast.
She comes up and asks if my manager is around, so she may speak with him. Jim hears this and walks out.
Gluten Free Lady just goes off on this rant about how she has a gluten allergy and how we should be more open to the idea of providing more gluten free options on the menu. She just went off for a while about this shit and then expected Jim to be able to give her an answer that she wanted.
Jim basically just gave her the answers I gave her. I was especially fond of when Jim said to her, "We have eggs. Those are gluten free." And this suggestion was not good enough for her because, and I fucking quote, "No. No I can't have eggs either. If it's not cooked right, then I just can't stand the taste and I'm pretty sure it makes me break out."
After this small feeling of defeat Gluten Free Lady then goes back to her seat to resume sulking and staring at her banana some more.
Jim and I went into his office where he just told me not to worry much about her. He just explained that people like her just want attention and just want to constantly bitch. Which is true. All this woman ultimately wanted was to be unhappy. She is just one of those shitbag people who only ever wants to be fucking miserable.
Then it happened ... All her bullshit began to come to a head ...
I go back out front to find her standing there wanting to yell some more at my general manager and I about everything. On the verge of tears her rant went a little something like this:
"I just don't understand why your company cannot provide a service for its guests like me who have a SEVERE allergy to gluten! You claim to be family friendly, but you won't take into consideration my feelings!"
There was really very little more Jim could do for her at this point. He tried making food suggestions again. Among his suggestions she had to escalate the situation even more. Somehow, among his suggestions, she also has now developed an allergy to dairy. None of his suggestions were anything new, but she had to go on a rant about her dairy allergy as well as her gluten allergy. Due to how abrupt that one came about, I can only assume it was an allergy that she developed in the short time we were speaking with her.
She just interrupted Jim and said, "Excuse me! I just told you I have a severe gluten allergy! And now not, not only are you refusing to rectify the situation for me but now you are suggesting that I consume a product containing dairy?! What is wrong with you?! Why don't you know I am lactose intolerant?!" At this point she began to tear up. Her husband still nowhere to be found. Either he was slow at packing their bags or was trying to hang himself.
"What about me?!" Gluten Free Lady cried as she pounded her chest.
"Would you like me to go somewhere and get you something?" Jim said.
She continued to cry as she said to Jim, "No! That's not good enough!"
Gluten Free Lady goes and sits back down at her chair and begins to eat her banana while crying. Have you ever seen a 65-year-old woman eat a banana while crying? I have ... It's hilarious.
Jim turned towards me cringing trying to hold back laughter. He sorts of slightly motions with his hand while nodding his head to the side to signal me to go into his office with him.
As soon as he shut the door we began to laugh so hard we were in tears. But who wouldn't be? This lady is out of her fucking mind! Of course, to make matters more humorous for us Jim zoomed in the security camera in the breakfast bar, so it was focused right in on this lady crying while eating a banana. It was the funniest fucking thing I had seen in a long time. I laughed so hard I nearly shit myself.
When she finished chewing on her banana and wiped her tears we had to look alive. She began to approach the desk once again. I decided to try and give my boss a break and go out there first.
Full knowing what was about to transpire I still had to ask her, "How can I help you ma'am?"
Before responding verbally, she first gave me a very over the top scowl. After a moment she said she needed to speak with my manager. He then came out to speak with her or rather stand there and be yelled at. I moved back to the other side of the desk to help anyone else who would happen to come by while still listening to what she was saying.
Jim asks how he can help her and she managed to step it up a notch by starting the crying once again and saying, "Why can't your company look out for me?! What about me?! I have traveled ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY! I have read reviews online! Many hotels now have a gluten free menu for those of us with a gluten intolerance! I have seen these reviews! They say things like 'Nice stay. Has gluten free food.' I have never been treated so unfairly! WHAT ABOUT ME?!"
All that Jim knew to do was offer once again to leave the hotel and buy her something from anywhere she likes. She is not paying for it. The hotel is. He is saying that he will take money from the register and go buy her whatever the hell she wants to eat for breakfast.
Gluten Free Lady just gave him a look of disgust like she was just called every insult in the book and looked at him and said, "No! NOOOO!!! That just isn't good enough! Too little too late! Don't you understand that there are grocery stores with whole aisles filled with food just for people like me! Why don't you care about what is going on?! What about me?!"
All I could think was, "Yeah I get it lady. You have a food allergy, but it still is not my fault that nature wants you dead."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Misadventures in Hospitality"
by .
Copyright © 2018 William Wallen.
Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction, ix,
How The Hotel Industry Grabbed Me By The Balls, 1,
Gluten Free Lady, 7,
Travelcon Phone Call, 17,
Calling Into Work Dead, 25,
Fat Guy Expose', 33,
The Frumptrist, 39,
Unacceptable, 47,
Mary The Meth-Head Hooker, 55,
Stranded Flight Crew, 63,
He Seemed Normal At First, 69,
You Just Can't Do It Here, 77,
The Ghost Employee, 83,
Creepy Walmart Guy, 89,
Doctor Who?, 97,
Fire Alarm, 107,
Three And A Half Families, 115,
These Two Guys, 127,
This Is Cash, 133,
That's A Crime, 139,
Do You Know The Lewison burgers?, 145,
A Cop And His Gun, 153,
Youth Hockey Teams, 159,
Whining Won't Get You Into The Pool, 171,
The Mom Who Hears Voices, 179,
The Man With One Hand, 185,
A Cup Full Of Nothing, 193,
And For My Final Chapter, 199,