Table of Contents
Introduction 1
1 Welcome to the Jungle: Your First Steps Into Adventure 3
Kink? What Is This Kink Thing? 4
Who Is Into Kink? 5
Why Are People Into Kink? 6
Why Join the Community? 12
Choose Your Own Adventure 16
2 Does This Flogger Make My Ass Look Fat?: Kink Etiquette, Kink Culture 23
A Gathering of Tribes vs. a Monolithic "Community," 24
Dispelling a Few Myths 25
Myths Within the Community 27
Courtesy and Respect 31
Personal Responsibility 42
Check Your Assumptions 43
Language, Names and Social Styles 45
Maintaining Privacy: Yours and Mine 48
3 So Many Choices! Events, Groups and Gatherings 53
Which Event Is Right for You? 54
Can/Should You Join This Group? 58
Finding Events 59
Types of Events 62
Munches, Brunches &: Meetups 62
Fetish/Club Nights and Dance Parties 63
Leather Bars and Kink Cafes 65
Fetish Balls and Performance-Based Events 66
Private/ House Parties 67
Exploratoriums, Samplers & Tastings 69
Local Classes &. Education 71
Public Dungeons, SM Clubs and Play Spaces 73
Private Dungeons, SM Clubs and Play Spaces 75
Fetish Nights at Swinger Clubs/Bathhouses 76
Club Operations, Boards & Meetings 77
The Big Hotel Event 78
Kinky Camping, Runs and Retreats 82
Shopping and Swap Meets 83
Pride Parades and Street Festivals 84
Leather Contests and Title Competitions 86
Intensive Education 87
Leadership Conferences and Alternative Academia 88
When Kink is Just a Slice 89
Faith and Spirituality Gatherings 90
Virtual Communities and Gatherings 91
Other Major Categories of Events 92
…And Even More? 96
4 The Pre-Game Plan: Planning, Budgeting, Packing and Getting There 97
Planning 98
Budgeting 99
Packing Your Bags! 105
Getting There 108
5 Male New Friends (and Keep the Old): Keeping It Hot without Burning Bridges 111
Preparing For Successful Networking 112
In-Person Connections 114
Managing Your Virtual Self 123
Lasting Connections 127
6 But It Followed Me Home!: Pre-Event Negotiation And Planning 131
Setting Frameworks Before You Go 132
Pre-Event Preparation 136
Prep For Relationships 138
Styles of Partnered Attendance 143
Consent 144
Communication Systems 145
Involving Other People 149
Find Your Systems and Stick By Them 151
7 Unicorns, Trolls and Other Creatures: Behavior Awareness in Kink Communities 155
Mythical Creatures Are Mythical 156
Emotional Traps 157
Physical Pitfalls 162
Social Snares 164
People Are People, Everywhere 170
8 Oh the Places You'll Go!: Dungeons, Play Spaces and Erotic Arenas 171
Understanding the Space 172
Laws of the Land 184
Dungeon Dos and Don'ts 188
9 Wanna Do Some Stuff?: Negotiating For Play 193
Who To Negotiate With 194
What And Why To Negotiate 198
Setting Play Dates 207
10 Even Perverts Get The Blues: Staying Healthy (and Happy) at Events 211
Managing Needs, Wants and Desires 213
Con Drop and Con Crud 214
Refraining "Negative" Experiences 221
11 Transitioning with Grace: Back In the Default World 225
Real World? Fantasy World? 226
Transition Tools and Techniques 227
Who to Tell, What to Tell 230
Honoring Your Journey 232
Afterword 234
Appendix 1 Kink Lingo Glossary 235
Appendix 2 Kink Flags and Symbols 251
Better Know Your Hanky Code 251
Flags 253
Symbols 256
Items/Clothing/Props 259
Appendix 3 Negotiation Tools 261
Before We Play 261
Playcard 261
Before We Play Questionnaire 262
Before we Play Checklist and Extended Questionnaire 263
Appendix 4 Further Resources 277
4A Non-Fiction Books 277
4B Websites and Social Media 281
4C Sources of Kinky Inspiration 285
4D Out To Your Doctor?: Talking To Health Care Professionals, by Barak, RN 290
4E Understanding STDs and STIs: Sexual Expression and Infection Control, by Scotty Thomson 293
4F Sex, Gender, Identity, Orientation and Behavior, by Aiden Fyre and Lee Harrington 297
4G Relationships Beyond Labels: Some Terminology You May Encounter, and What It May (Or May Not) Mean, By Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy 300
4H SM vs. Abuse, by Jay Wiseman 304
4I Is it a Cult?: The Advanced Bonewits' Cult Danger Evaluation Frame (version 2.6), by Isaac Bonewits 305
4J Pocket Reference to Dealing With Law Enforcement, provided by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom Law Enforcement Outreach Program, ncsfreedom.org 308
Thanks/Acknowledgments 309
About the Authors 313