Questions Couples Ask Behind Closed Doors: How to Take Action on the Most Common Conflicts in Marriage

Questions Couples Ask Behind Closed Doors: How to Take Action on the Most Common Conflicts in Marriage

by James Osterhaus


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The "What is 'healthy'?" question is just one of many questions couples have asked me over and over again in my counseling practice. The typical couples I've counseled have again and again asked, “Why do we get into so much conflict over the same issues?” “How can we learn to trust each other?” “Who leads?” “What do we do with in-laws?” and a whole host of other questions. Noted marriage therapist and executive coach Jim Osterhaus takes the 18 top questions he’s been asked the most and answers them for you in this book. Each chapter stands on its own as couples search for answers to the challenges they face. After many of the chapters, you will find very helpful, practical tips to help you understand your relationship better, and begin the process of making it more fulfilling.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781942672470
Publisher: Familius LLC
Publication date: 11/04/2014
Pages: 280
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.75(d)

About the Author

Jim Osterhaus is a senior partner with TAG. He is a clinical psychologist and a dynamic executive coach and public speaker with extensive experience in helping individuals, couples, families, and organizations move through change, conflict, and reorganization. He brings a depth of understanding of systems and relational network thinking to his work developed from years practicing as a highly respected psychologist in Northern Virginia in addition to consulting. His experience includes a special commission established by the Vice President of the United States to consider the emotional effects of government downsizing, facilitation of the “Organizational Culture” component of the Army Staff Redesign. Recently he has developed a Gettysburg Leadership Experience, taking teams to the battlefield discussing leadership principles. He has worked extensively with the FAA, coaching vice presidents and managers, and leading workshops and seminars on various aspects of leadership. He has been quoted in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Seattle Times, and many other leading publications.

Table of Contents

• Introduction: What Does a Healthy Marriage Look Like?
• Chapter 1: How Did We Find Each Other?
• Chapter 2: How Do I Know If We're Really in Love?
• Chapter 3: Why Do We Get Stuck on the Same Stuff So Often?
• Chapter 4: How Can I Be Married and Still Be My Own Person?
• Chapter 5: How Can We Learn to Trust Each Other?
• Chapter 6: What Do I Have a Right to Expected from My Partner?
• Chapter 7: Why Are Things Different than When We First Got Married?
• Chapter 8: Why Do Our Emotional Needs Keep Changing?
• Chapter 9: What About My Needs?
• Chapter 10: Why Can't We Seem to Get Close?
• Chapter 11: Why Can't I Say What I Want to Without Getting in Trouble?
• Chapter 12: How Important Should Sex Be?
• Chapter 13: Who Leads?
• Chapter 14: How Do We Resolve Conflicts?
• Chapter 15: What about My In-Laws?
• Chapter 16: What about Step-Families?
• Chapter 17: Why Did My Partner Have an Affair?
• Chapter 18: Where Do We Go from Here?

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Questions Couples Ask Behind Closed Doors: How to Take Action on the Most Common Conflicts in Marriage 4.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 6 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is a wonderful investment for couples, and would provide value at any stage in a marriage. Dr. Osterhaus did a great job at explaining psychological concepts in a plain manner and then tying them to real situations. The questions after each chapter provide a useful tool for couples to engage in potentially difficult discussions. Well done!
Buurma More than 1 year ago
This is a highly-accessible book that draws on Dr. Osterhaus’ treasure store of counselling over many decades. I began reading it as any other book, but had to pause frequently when a single line or vignette jumped off the page into my soul. Dr. Osterhaus has an uncanny radar for marital relationships - he named several realities in my eight-year-old marriage that I hadn’t previously identified. Specifically, the book helped me clearly connect dynamics from my family of origin with patterns that still linger in my marriage today. It’s also helped me understand some of the underlying dynamics in my friends’ marriages and engendered a deeper empathy for them. Highly recommended!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Review of Questions Couples Ask Behind Closed Doors, James Osterhaus. This is a good resource for couples wanting to improve their marriage. Osterhaus draws on years of experience to give real-life examples of struggles couples face. From our unconscious expectations to the stages of life, Osterhaus walks us through the pitfalls and blessings of marriage. He explains the “road map” that we build in our heads that may or may not be helpful to our relationships. He offers guidance on our danger zones (those who have read his other works will be familiar with the “red” and “blue” zones of conflict. He provides solid, clear explanations of underlying issues to help the couple work together toward a solution. Each chapter has questions for discussion and review that will help couples improve their marriage relationship, following the stages of marriage, with chapters on other circumstances such as the additional stresses of blending two families under one household. The book ends with the most dangerous situation that a couple can face: infidelity. He carefully walks through the excuses that are often used and gives good guidelines to saving the relationship. Overall, I would not advise a couple to pick this book up and work through it on their own, but it would be an excellent resource in a counseling setting or perhaps in a group study when led by a leader with experience in couples counseling. But it is a great resource for a counselor to walk a couple through the issues of marriage. Disclaimer: I was provided a free copy of this book on the condition that I post reviews. I am a pastor of 14 years and have worked with about 30 couples for pre-marital and marriage counseling.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
As a newly-wed, I loved the insight into marriage that was described in this book. The "Take Action" sections at the end of each chapter were especially helpful and allowed me to explore my part in my marriage as well as the relationship itself. I especially loved the stories of the couples that the author encountered in his sessions. The stories make the book more relatable and personal. "Questions Couples Ask Behind Closed Doors" is applicable to all couples, whether they've been married a day or fifty years. I would even recommend it to dating couples who are considering marriage and engaged couples because it's good to know ahead of time what's coming in marriage and how to work together so the marriage lasts.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I typically only read fiction books and tend to get bored quickly with anything else. However, this book is written in such a fantastic way and really held my attention all the way through! James uses real life stories and scenarios throughout the book which are relatable, interesting and help drive his point home. There were countless "aha!" moments as I read this and I was amazed at how easily I could apply this to my relationship. I recommend this book to anyone in a relationship - married or not, struggling or not. This is eye opening and includes great advice and life lessons on how to keep your marriage healthy. I absolutely love this book and it's one of those which I imagine I'll re-read to keep the advice fresh. Thanks James Osterhaus for such a great read and wonderful marital advice!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Questions Couples Ask Behind Closed Doors is a must read for all couples who want to develop and sustain a deep bonded relationship for life. We found Dr. Osterhaus’s insights an affirmation of our marriages 42 year journey. The questions at the end of each chapter provide a comprehensive way for each partner to identify their feelings, confide information about themselves and begin to share in a more open and honest manner. We highly recommend the book as a reference roadmap for couples of any age and stage of relationship who want to flourish by strengthening skills in intimacy, partnership and companionship. Gary & Deanie Hurst Licensed PAIRS Instructors Southport, NC