Sh*t My Dog Says: A Parody

''I'm 30-something and live with my 75-year-old (in dog years) dog. He was allergic to my girlfriend, so she moved out. Now it's just the two of us, kibbles, and beer. He's an awesome dog--kind of like Nietzsche if he'd been furry and prone to sniffing butts. I write down the sh*t he says, and here it is.'' From ''Don't be fooled. The cat is evil,'' to ''You know why I like to take a walk? So I can smell things you never touched,'' to ''Nothing beats the feeling of jowls flapping in the win...