Shopping for a Highlander's Elopement

I didn't expect to fall for a Scottish footballer so annoyingly sunny you need shades to be around him.

I didn't expect to say yes to his heart-felt, if loopy, proposal while he lay injured on the pitch, blathering on about banana pudding and sparkly unicorns.

What I definitely didn't expect?

For our engagement to explode into a paparazzi circus, our mothers to turn into wedding bulldozers, and for our wedding protector's perfectly reasonable elopement plan to spiral into a road trip escape.

So...