Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel

Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel

by Sara Farizan


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“Farizan exceeds the high expectations she set with her debut, If You Could Be Mine, in this fresh, humorous, and poignant exploration of friendship and love, a welcome addition to the coming-out/coming-of-age genre.” —Publishers Weekly, starred review

Leila has made it most of the way through Armstead Academy without having a crush on anyone, which is a relief. As an Iranian-American, she’s different enough; if word got out that Leila liked girls, life would be twice as hard. But when beautiful new girl Saskia shows up, Leila starts to take risks she never thought she would. As she carefully confides in trusted friends about Saskia’s confusing signals, Leila begins to figure out that all her classmates are more complicated than they first appear to be, and some are keeping surprising secrets of their own.

“Farizan fashions an empowering romance featuring a lovable, awkward protagonist who just needs a little nudge of confidence to totally claim her multifaceted identity.” —Booklist, starred review

“A David Levithan–style romance in which a character’s sexual identity is neither problematic nor in question, and coming out is just one of many obstacles affecting the course of true love.” —The Horn Book Magazine

“Funny, heartwarming and wise.” —Kirkus Reviews

“Leila’s coming out to her friends and family and her fear of disappointing her parents will resonate with all young adults.” —School Library Journal

• A 2015 ALA Top Ten Rainbow List Title
• A 2015 YALSA Quick Pick for Reluctant Young Adult Readers


Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781616205492
Publisher: Algonquin Young Readers
Publication date: 10/06/2015
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 320
Sales rank: 313,639
Product dimensions: 5.00(w) x 7.00(h) x 1.00(d)
Age Range: 14 - 17 Years

About the Author

Sara Farizan, the daughter of Iranian immigrants, was born in Massachusetts. She is an MFA graduate of Lesley University and holds a BA in film and media studies from American University. Sara grew up feeling different in her private high school, not only because of her ethnicity, but also because of her liking girls romantically, her lack of excitement in science and math, and her love of writing plays and short stories. So she came out of the closet in college, realized math and science weren’t so bad (but were not for her), and decided she wanted to be a writer. Sara has been a Hollywood intern, a waitress, a comic book/record store employee, an art magazine blogger, a marketing temp, and an after-school teacher, but above all else she has always been a writer. Sara lives near Boston, loves Kurosawa films, eighties R&B, and graphic novels, and thinks all kids are awesome. She is the acclaimed author of If You Could Be Mine and Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel.

Read an Excerpt


My copy of The Color Purple lies in front of me on my desk, the spine bent and wrinkled from the many times I’ve pored over the book. I have so many things to say about the beautiful prose, the characters, but I won’t . . . because I, Leila Azadi, am a Persian scaredy-cat. I can’t believe even English class makes me anxious these days.

“Now, when Walker describes Shug through Celie’s eyes, what is she trying to convey?” Ms. Taylor has, of course, managed to touch on the one subject in The Color Purple that I can’t even begin to comment on.

Please don’t call on me.

Please don’t call on me.

Ms. Taylor is eyeing the class like a hawk about to swoop down on some unsuspecting field mice. A really hot hawk with great hair and an appreciation for literature, I might add . . . which reminds me, I should stop crushing on her in class, especially since it’s the beginning of the school year.

Ms. Taylor sets her sights on my friend Tess. “Any thoughts?” she asks.

Tess looks up at Ms. Taylor with those mousy eyes, her retainer glistening under the fluorescent lights. I’ve told her to stop wearing it at school, but she insists her teeth will not be compromised for popularity.

“I think Celie finds Shug attractive . . . like in a romantic fashion,” Tess says.

The snickering begins with Ashley Martin and Lisa Katz. They’re the girls every guy at our school has fantasized about since we were in ninth grade, which I find strangely disturbing. I’m pretty sure Mr. Harris, our science teacher, has been seeing Ashley outside of school. I should probably tell Ms. Taylor that because she and Mr. Harris have been dating since the beginning of the school year. They have never said anything about it, but it’s so obvious, especially when he comes all the way from the science building to borrow chalk from her. I should get him a gift card to Staples and tell him about all the discounts he can get on office supplies.

Mr. Harris is like one of those guys who loved his time in high school and decided never to grow up. I would probably find him endearing and dreamy like everyone else if I didn’t resent him for dating a woman far superior to him . . . and if I wasn’t failing his snooze of a class. Why would I ever care about frictionless acceleration anyway? How is that ever going to get me a girlfriend?

Not that I dare think about that. I’m not ready to announce my lady-loving inclinations as yet. I can hear the whispering, knowing that what they are snickering about could easily be me. I’m already different enough at this school. I don’t need to add anything else to that.

As Tess struggles through her answer to Ms. Taylor’s question, Ashley cackles with the fervor and depth that only a bitchy blond sixteen-year-old can muster. Apparently Lisa is no longer interested. She looks back to her notebook, hiding her face by pulling her brown bangs down. It’s a habit she’s had since we were kids.

Lisa and I went to the same private elementary school. She’s richer than God--her father is some kind of CEO--plus she’s attractive and dresses well. Considering our totally different social circles now, it’s hard to believe we were friends as kids. But back then we both had an obsession with Roald Dahl books, and that was all that was necessary.

“Very good, Tess,” says Ms. Taylor. “Celie does have strong feelings for Shug. Is it possible for her, even though she is married, to be attracted to another woman?”

The class is silent again. I hate when this happens. I’ve never done well with awkward silences or pauses. I can always hear people breathing. I can hear myself breathe. It’s the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Usually I’d make a joke or something, but this subject is too risky. They’d all know.

“Robert? What do you think?” Ms. Taylor has caught another of Armstead Academy’s finest in her talons now. Robert Peters is on the soccer team, rows on the crew team, and gets great grades, but I don’t understand why he works so hard. His parents own a potato chip brand popular in New England, and Robert will inherit the company when he grows up. He always has a Gatorade bottle with him, full of piss-yellow Gatorade and vodka. He gets a little loopy from the booze by history, which is two periods away, but keeps it together enough that teachers don’t notice.

“I don’t know, Ms. Taylor. I’ve never been married and I’m not a lesbian.” Everyone laughs, this time including me. I don’t really mean it, but the fake laugh is high school protocol. Everything’s a lark when you’re rich and handsome, like Robert. Why upset the status quo? Though I’m not one to talk. My dad’s a surgeon.

My parents are both originally from Iran and think education is the most important thing. To give them credit, Armstead has facilities and resources beyond those of a lot of small colleges. We have a sleek fitness gym to train Olympic athletes (we’ve had two in the past eight years) and our dining hall is like a castle out of Harry Potter.

At first, when I came here in ninth grade, I really loved the place. I got along with everybody, I loved my classes, and I enjoyed sports. It all kind of went awry after meeting Anastasia this past summer at a Global Young Leaders of the Future camp, where we spent two weeks having mock debates while representing our countries in the United Nations. I was put in the Algeria group, the only Middle Eastern country other than Israel represented. Anastasia was representing Ghana, but she was from France.

Anastasia had a red birthmark near her eyebrow that she didn’t seem at all self-conscious about. One day she cornered me in the dorm lounge and talked to me about the concept of privilege and how I was a naive, spoiled girl who didn’t know anything about the world around me. I found her fascinating.

By the time the Festival of Nations came around, where we all dressed up in inappropriate ethnic garb from our represented countries, Anastasia came up to me while I wore a hijab and she was wearing a dashiki, which was clearly meant for a man. We looked ridiculous, but we had been talking for days about our favorite musicians, her melodramatic poems, and my crap photography skills, and by this time there was this . . . tension between us. I had no idea what that tension was; I just knew I shouldn’t pursue it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it, either.

Anastasia asked me to help her find her djembe drum in her dorm room before the festival got underway. We went upstairs to her room, and she locked the door. She swung me around by my arm and asked me if I had ever been properly kissed before. I thought back to playing spin the bottle in sixth grade and kissing Andrew Cassidy. His kiss tasted like Fritos, a snack I can’t stand. Then there had been my semiformal date, Greg Crawford. We kissed for ten minutes. I wanted to feel something, but I didn’t.

So here was Anastasia, gently tugging at my hijab-covered arm, breathing softly on my lips, looking at the shape of my eyebrows and pushing back my head scarf with her other hand. I told her that no, I didn’t think I had been properly kissed. And then it happened.

She inched closer. My ears were warm enough to heat up a Hot Pocket. My stomach felt the way it had on the Thunderbolt coaster at Six Flags New England. I wondered if Anastasia would know that I practiced kissing on my pillow and could never quite figure out where my tongue was supposed to go.

All my wondering was put to rest when our lips met. The kiss started slow, her lips figuring me out, asking whether it was okay to continue their dance. I backed away slightly, looked her in the eye--and started to cry.

And then I knew for sure what I had been trying to avoid for so long. Everything rushed to the surface. I cried as I remembered throwing the dress I had received for my third birthday on the floor. I cried as I remembered wanting to be best friends with a girl in fifth grade because she was so pretty. I cried as I remembered always rescuing the girl, played by a stuffed animal, while pretending to be Indiana Jones. I cried and Anastasia kissed my lips again, this time aggressively, her tongue asking for acceptance. We missed the festival, but we couldn’t have cared less.

Our fling lasted through a couple more make-out sessions, but Anastasia ended up liking some guy named Enrique by the time the mock United Nations summit rolled around at the end of the summer. I was heartbroken. I threatened almost every country at the conference with whatever military capabilities Algeria had. My other group members had to appease everyone afterward by offering to export more oil. After days of the two of us not speaking, the program came to an end and Anastasia pulled me aside in the girls’ bathroom.

She said this was only the beginning for me and I was going to find someone special. She said she was a mess and I could do better. At the time I didn’t believe her, but I was willing to put up with her melodrama for one last kiss. We broke apart when we heard a toilet flush. A Japanese girl came out of the stall, washed her hands, and booked it out of there.

After this past summer, I came back a little wiser to the universe, having met people from all over the world. I realized I was different, and that Anastasia might not have been the only one who had figured that out about me.

“Leila, what do you think?” Ms. Taylor’s question pulls me out of my daydreams. I feel everyone’s eyes on me.

What do I think? After the summer I was thinking too much. I started noticing things I hadn’t before, like our hallway janitor, who had to clean up the snack wrappers we tossed onto the floor, even though a wastebasket was a few feet away. I started noticing how all the black kids in our grade, seven in total, sat in one spot by themselves and were always pointedly asked what they thought in class whenever we studied slavery or the civil rights movement. Greg hates being asked, and I don’t know why he doesn’t say something to his mother, who is on the board of trustees.

I also began to notice how white everything was. The students, the students’ teeth, and the fences surrounding the outdoor swimming pools we never used. We all seemed to categorize ourselves without ever explicitly saying anything. Where does that leave students who don’t have a clear category?

“Can Celie be attracted to another woman?” Ms. Taylor is standing near my desk. Ashley Martin folds her arms and Robert Peters guzzles his Gatorade bottle.

“With a husband as awful as Celie’s, I don’t blame her. Am I right?” I say with a chuckle that almost sounds real amid the laughter of my peers.

What People are Saying About This

Sarah Dessen

“Both personal and universal, this is a compelling story about high school, family and owning up to who you really are. Farizan is just the voice YA needs right now. Trust me, you’ll be glad you listened.”
—Sarah Dessen, author of the New York Times bestseller Along for the Ride

Customer Reviews

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Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel: A Novel 3.6 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 8 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I read this book recently and I'm still heavily shaken by the strength of the emotions this gave me. This book has an intricate plot and diverse characters and deals with many weighty aspects at once. There are the expectations of Leila's parents, her "perfect" sister, and the struggle of her friendships. Leila was an absolutely wonderful narrator and the book had me both laughing and crying. Leila's struggle's with coming out were very relatable down to awkwardly coming out to a semi-random person. I originally read an ebook of this from my library, but sometime soon I'm buying a physical copy to take off to school with me.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I cried on page 10 and stayed up all night to read it! Leila reminded me so strongly of myself it was uncanny. (Her memory of playing Indiana Jones and saving imaginary damsels - that was me.) She has so many disparate friends, each relationship unique. Plus Farizan did something unusual for YA but more realistic: Leila's friends are in different friend groups and different compartments of her life. Leila's voice is matter-of-fact, tomboyish, and quintessentially mid-self-discovery. Great conversations about sexuality, race, and bicultural intersectionality. Just read it. This is going on my regular reread list.
nadjscr More than 1 year ago
A story of family, friendship and becoming who you are wrapped in humor and a swoony romance. TELL ME AGAIN HOW A CRUSH SHOULD FEEL is a contemporary romance that includes lesbians, characters of color, representation of different religions, depictions of healthy and toxic relationships, a positive portrayal of therapy!, an amazing lovable family, and a developed and varied cast of characters (everyones has their own small story!). This book had me laughing, crying and swooning. What an important and needed title in YA, specially in the LGBTQAI+ department (so much intersectionality = race, sexual orientation, religion). MUST READ.
Katie_breathofbooks More than 1 year ago
This book was such a fun and cute and quick read. It also has diversity, since the narrator is a lesbian with a Persian background, and there are also some diverse secondary characters, in both race and sexuality. There is a romance in this book between Leila and another girl, and it was adorable. I won't say who it is because it isn't obvious right away. This girl had had a crush on Leila when she was young, and how Leila found out, and the journey to them actually being together was so cute. I rooted for them so much, and I loved reading about their moments together. Also, there was a slow build to it when Leila had interactions with this girl when readers didn't yet know if this girl even liked girls or not. Anyway, I shipped this so much. I liked reading about Leila's background with her family. Since they came from a country where being gay is illegal, this played into her fear of telling them that she was a lesbian. I liked her parents, and how they did try their best to accept her as she was, even if it was a bit difficult for them to understand sometimes. If you like YA contemporary, read this book.
Sandy5 More than 1 year ago
2.5 stars I really thought I would like this book more than I did. I was feeling frustrated with the characters and their actions for the most part. The part that really got my blood flowing in a positive way was when one of the characters takes charge and the other character gets upset with her. I understand her frustration; I mean she did put make the girl sick and she ended up in the hospital but seriously, she thought she was helping her friend out. Didn’t she? She just took it to the extreme. And then later on, we find out she’s like that, well whose fault is that? Leila shouldn’t have been telling Sasika what she really wanted because Sasika aims to pleased and if that meant hurting Tess, well…..she’s do it to help her friend Leila out. This is high school people and Sasika is new to the area so she’s trying to fit in and from her actions, they should know she’s a wild card. Sasika is all out there, she’s skipping school and there is no filter on her mouth, she says what she wants. What does Leila do now? Well, she still hangs out with Sasika because she thinks she’s beautiful and I was beyond myself for words with this girl. Does she have any respect or loyalty to Tess who is her best friend, who Sasika landed in the hospital for her? What is wrong here? See how exciting this all was but so very wrong. There had to be a turnaround in the book and it was the awkward party at Leila’s house. What a combination when all her guests finally arrived, this is not the typical teenage party but somehow Leila pulls off the party successfully. I was quite surprised how well things turned out with the movies and her mom playing chaperone. It’s not all pretty in the end how these girls get things worked out but the characters true colors shined brightly.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is such a lighthearted and hilarious novel. The story starts out with Leila being confused about her feelings and unsure of how other people would react, especially her Persian parents. Things begin to look up when Saskia transfers into her school. Or is it? Overall, this book was enjoyable. Some of the characters are introduced in a way that made me uncomfortable, but then they turned into real people, three-dimensional humans. And this is a concept that winds its way throughout the whole novel, which is why the 5 star rating. This book holds its own in the contemporary YA sphere.
Sarah_UK1 More than 1 year ago
(Source: I was able to view a digital galley of this book for free on a read-to-review basis. Thanks to Algonquin Books and NetGalley.) 16-year-old Leila likes girls, but she just doesn’t know how to break the news to her friends and family. When a new girl at school seems to have an interest in her, Leila things that Saskia might even become her girlfriend, if all goes well. Can Leila find the strength to tell her parents that she’s gay? And is Saskia the girl for her? This was an okay story, but I think it might be aimed at the younger end of the young adult spectrum. Leila was an okay character, and I felt sorry for her and the way Saskia behaved towards her. As if Leila wasn’t having a hard enough time of it trying to work out how to come out to her parents and friends, she didn’t need Saskia being nasty to her as well. The storyline in this was okay, although it felt a little immature in places. The very start of the book also opened with a bit of an info-dump which was not the best start. I also wasn’t overly impressed with some of the lines that Leila came out with - "I feel like I have been punched in the vagina." There was some romance, but I felt really sorry for Leila and the way it turned out, Saskia was not a nice person in the end. The ending was okay, and I was glad that Leila had found support in her family, and a special someone too. Overall; an okay GBLT story, but maybe more suited to 12-13 year olds? 6 out of 10.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I'm inquiring about the review from Oct.10,2014 last sentence with the letters GBLT.What does it stand for and is this a common abreviation?I know the next question I have is going to sound like I've been living under a rock but what in the world does the second F stand for?I get the BFF part about Best Friends.Does the other F stand for Forever?I'm not kidding,this very second that just occured to me.DUH!!!!!!!