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The TRUTH About Me
By Gretchen Vanessa Morales
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2012 Gretchen Vanessa Morales
All right reserved.
Chapter OneLife growing up!
At the age of five I became an "adult". My mother left my dad when I was 5 years old. All I can remember that day was my father saying to her, "please take care of my little girl". Ever since then, my life changed forever. I remember getting in the car, looking at my father and my two little brother's and for some reason, I just couldn't get my eyes off of him and he couldn't get his eyes off of mine. As the car drove off, I just kept looking and looking at my dad and my two brothers, my youngest brother was only 2 years old and they were both standing very close to him waving goodbye at me with a sad look on their face. I kept looking at them till I couldn't see them anymore. I remember putting my head down so confused and slowly looking over to the man my mother was with, the man I called, "The Mad Man". He looked back at me with a smile and said to me, "I'm your father now, call me daddy". I remember saying, "okay" and barely gave him a smile out of fear. I don't know why, but he gave me goose bumps just looking at him. I couldn't figure out why my mother was with a man I had never seen before. As I got older I came to find out that she had just met him, and not long after that she left my dad and two little brothers behind to live a life with that man, "The Mad man", if you could call it "a life". It was more like a nightmare, a horror movie. Those were the worst days of our lives; my life. My mother would go to work and he would call me over to the bed to lay next to him. He would take my hand and put it on his private parts. Gosh I was so, so confused, I didn't know what to do or how to feel especially after he put his hands on my private area. It went on for so, so long that at one point, I was getting up on my own after my mother went to work, went on to his bed, lay next to him and just waited for him to ask me to touch him, "there". I was beginning to think that it was okay and normal to do that. At the same time, I felt so scared, so horrible and so, so confused. At one point I asked my mother not to go to work, to please stay with me. She asked me if there was a problem or a reason why I wanted her to stay" but I couldn't do it, I couldn't tell her why, I was to scared. I would always remember him telling me, "don't ever tell your mother because if you do, she's going to be very mad at you", meaning me. Huh! Mad at me?! That confused me and scared me even more. I really did believe that she was going to get mad at me and well, I never said anything. I kept it all inside for so long, for as long as I could. I remember one night; the three of us were sitting on the couch real close to each other; I was sitting in the middle of them; my stepfather (the mad man), my mother and myself. At one point he looked at me and said out loud, "tell your mom that when she goes to work tomorrow, you and I are going to" ... he whispered in my ear the word (f#*) I just started crying, crying so much. I couldn't stop. I remember him telling me, "but tell her, tell her, don't be afraid". I just shook my head no. She looked at me and all she said was, "what, what baby what did he say"? but she had a smile on her face when she was asking me that, I mean, she didn't look upset or concerned about what he had whispered in my ear or what we were going to do when she went to work. I didn't give it to much thought as to why she reacted like that but now that I'm an adult and have three beautiful children and one of them being a little girl, I would freak out upset if someone whispers in her ear and make her cry like that, I would definitely want to know what it is they are "going to do when I go to work". I would definitely NOT have a smile on my face after that. Now I often wonder if she knew what was going on and didn't say or do anything about it. My heart tells me she did know and never said anything. Maybe she didn't want to be alone and decided to go along with anything and everything. He use to hit her so bad, and cheat on her with other women, but she just stayed there and took it over and over again. He even tried to kill her one morning while I was in school. I came home and her face was all swollen and bruised. I asked her what happened and she told me how he took her to a lake, pulled out a knife and tried to kill her, but he didn't, he just beat her instead. After that she still stayed with him. I couldn't concentrate in school. I was always wondering if my mother was okay or being abused, beaten, or if she was going to be alive when I got home. I would always ask my mother to leave him. I would cry and beg her to please listen but she wouldn't, it almost looked like she didn't mind living that life, that nightmare. At times she would look tired of him beating her but she stayed no matter what he did. One night she came home from work. I was sitting on the couch asleep but then I woke up to the sounds of screaming and loud talking. I was so afraid to open my eyes but did open them enough to see what was happening, and saw him hit her really hard. What really shock me was what she did next ... I saw her walk over to me, and started pulling my hair, hitting me really hard and saying to me, "you see, you stupid b#@*h, he hit me because of you". I started crying hoping she would stop, and that's when "the mad man" (my stepfather) screamed at her and told her to "stop hitting that little girl," he said". My mother didn't really show me love and affection; she was always so angry, so mad, but mainly at me. I was beginning to think she didn't really love me at times. I would give her a kiss and she would act bothered by it, she would push me away. LIFE GROWING UP was horrible and I don't think she ever realized how bad it was. I don't think she ever will, or admit to how bad it was. I spent my life locked up in my room. I never really wanted to be around anybody. I just wanted to be alone in my room, my own little world, and that's if I did have "my own room". Half of my life I spent shelter to shelter, in a motel room or living in someone's home. We were always getting evicted and half of the times with no food to eat. Yes, we had food stamps but it never really seem to last. It was 5 of us including my stepfather (the mad man). A couple of years later we all moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado. We lived in a motel for awhile, but then I went to live with my grandmother, I'm guessing it was due to space and how little the room was. I didn't care about all that. I just wanted to be with my mother no matter what she did, I still loved her. Of course when you're a child, you don't know any better, you just want to be with "mom" no matter what. While living with my grandmother, I continued to be molested, but this time; I was also being molested by my mother's uncle whom she claimed was, "mentally ill". Well yes, anybody that can do that to a small child is indeed sick, mentally ill, evil and just not right in the head, but does it justify those actions? Absolutely not, at least not in my world it doesn't. One morning my grandmother and my aunt went somewhere and left me alone with him and he did the same thing "the mad man" did, he touched my private parts and made me watch him masturbate. I heard my aunt and grandmother pull up and I quickly got off the bed, ran to the living room and set down as if nothing was going on. When they walked in my aunt noticed that something was wrong and asked me if I was OK, I just shook my head yes. I was afraid to say anything; "the mad man" had me believing that people will get mad at me if I told anyone. That same night I remember telling my grandmother that I wanted to be with my mom and well "she said" okay, and took me back to her, to the motel where they were living at. I was happy to see her but; she didn't look all that thrilled to see me. I didn't care, I was just happy I was there with her. That following morning I had on a white dress, real pretty dress. I can't remember if I was on my way to church or had just gotten back from there, but what I do remember was "the mad man" lying on the bed looking really mad holding a Cain, as I walked out from the kitchen he screams at me and throws the Cain straight at me. Luckily he missed, but I was so scared and all shook up. I can't exactly remember what happen next. That night while everybody was sleeping; I was feeling so sick and tired of all the abuse, I just wanted to end it all. So I got up from the floor where I was sleeping at and slowly tip toed myself to the kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife. I was so afraid to even look at it; it gave me chills, but I slowly did grabbed it and slowly walked back to the bed where he was laying at. I slowly held up the knife and looked at him with tears coming down my face ready to stab him. I just wanted to end with all the abuse, all the pain, but I didn't have the courage to do it. I didn't have the courage to kill him. I knew I could never hurt anyone no matter how much they were hurting me. So I slowly turned around and quietly walked back to the kitchen, put the knife away and went back to sleep. I was never the typical happy child out playing with no worries; no, that was never me. I was the total opposite, always scared, always crying and wondering why, why didn't my mother defend me the way a mother should or why she would always get mad at me and my brothers. It was mainly me though. She always treated me so different from them. She showed them just a little bit more love. I mean, I did have maybe a birthday or two, also a Quinceañero (sweet 15) birthday party, but it almost felt like she was trying to live her dreams through me. She wanted a Quinceañero (sweet 15) but never had one; maybe if she hadn't left her house at such a young age she would've had her sweet 15 birthday party. Maybe if she would've giving her mother a chance, things would've worked out between them, and the reason I say that, it's because "she claimed that her mother never really loved her", who knows. She had us at a real young age, I believe she was only 14 years old, maybe 15 but, I strongly believe that if you can be an adult for certain things, than you can also be an adult and take care of your children "THE RIGHT WAY". Things got worse as I got older, nothing changed, everything was all the same. There were times that my brothers and I would get in trouble for playing around and being too loud. The things that would come out of her mouth were just awful. I mean, it went as far as her wishing death upon us, but she would always look at me; it almost look like she was talking to me and no one else. Then, it just became a habit and every time she'd get mad, that's the first thing she would say. I was angry, angry for so, so long and so hurt, I felt so lonely so unwanted. Years went on and I turn 13 years old, the sexual abuse continued and at this point of course, I am getting older and wiser and now he's pulling a "new scare tactic" on me. He said that if I ever told my mother he would kill her with a machete and he actually took me down to his car, opened the trunk and showed it to me. I remember looking up at him and thinking; this man is crazy, he is out of his mind. We went up stairs to their room, he told me to take off my cloths and lay down on the bed; he lay on top of me and rubbed his private parts on my private area. I felt something I had never felt before. I felt something warm, and when he was done, he asked me if I "liked it". I said to him, you are my father and I am your daughter, you can't keep doing this to me. His respond was, "you are not my daughter, and I can do whatever I want with you". I felt so disgusted. I took a real hot shower and when I came out he says to me, "you can't let any man touch you because once he does; he will know that you are no longer a virgin". I cried and just didn't know what to think, how to feel or act for that matter. By that time the sexual abuse had stopped, but I was already mentally and emotionally disrupt. I was always so depress and actually started thinking about randomly having sex with anybody just so that I didn't have to say that I lost my virginity to my step father. I became very bitter, very angry and very defensive. I was never able to concentrate in school. I was failing all my classes. I couldn't sleep at nights because I would always wake up to the sounds of screaming and beatings. I ran out the door one morning because he was hitting her. I called the police and when I got back home from the payphone, she got mad at me and asked me, "why did you call the police, you shouldn't have". When the police got there she lied to them and said that everything was okay and that they must have had the wrong apartment. I couldn't believe it and just could not take it anymore. There came a time that she started to see someone else while still married and being with her husband (The Mad Man). It became a scary situation because she would have her new lover come to the apartment (her room) while (The Mad Man) was out somewhere. She would even ask me to look out for her. I was always scared hoping he wouldn't come home and catch her because I knew that if he did, they would both be dead. (The Mad Man) would stop by every once in a while to visit, and I was actually happy to see (The Mad Man), I couldn't quite figure out why I would run down the stairs to greed him with a smile and a hug, because at the same time; I hated him for what he did. I guess in my mind I wanted to forgive him for what he did to me. I was just so confused and so mad. I couldn't figure out why she would put us through that torture, why she couldn't just leave him. Did she think that behavior was "okay, normal" I guess I'll never know the answer to that. All I know is that she put so much more effort in that relationship and every other relationship she ever had, then she did her own kids. She spent too much time trying to make him happy (The Mad Man). Thanks to her new lover she had the strength and courage to leave the mad man, but before you knew it her new lover was living in the apartment with us. I don't think she liked being alone, so that's why I think she was so quick to jump into a relationship without thinking it twice. I asked myself why, why would she treat me that way. Why would she take it out on me when the mad man would lay his hands on her beating her straight to the ground. Why, why would you use profanity towards me? Why would she wish death upon me?!!! Why would she take it out on me? Everything he did to her, we paid for it; I paid for it. So many years I suffered because of her but she never saw that because it was always about her and always her. She never gave a damn about anybody else but herself and "her relationships" but never her own kids; sure, she will always claim "she did", but not enough to protect us from harm. How could any mother wish death upon her own kids like she did me or aloud their own child to get abused or molested, knowing about it or at least having an idea it was happening and not do anything about it like she did. I even confronted her about it years later and what did she do? She got very upset and claimed she never knew about those things or said any of those horrible things to me. Well guess what? She might have some "mental block" and can't remember, or maybe she does and just can't admit it, but I do remember, it stayed with me for many, years. She didn't teach me anything about life and how to become a good person, a good woman, much less a good mother. Everything I know, I've learned the hard way and at times; I hate myself because I feel that I failed, not only as a person, but also as a mother, because there were times that I would hit my kids the same way she did me, and I could never heal from that. I wanted to be the mother she never was, and yes, I am the mother she never was to a certain point. I love and protect my kids from everything and anything, and my kids have never seen a man in their home other than their father. My kids know that I would never have anyone much less a MAN come between us. There were times that I took it out on my kids when I was having a bad day and even repeated some of the things she said to me. That is why I say, that I have failed as a mother, but I could never be just like her. I apologized to my kids and told them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I asked them to forgive me if in any way, I said something out of line, and that I would work really hard on being the best mom. Sometimes I don't know how to show love or what exactly love is. It was never really taught to me; I mean, I grew up thinking that fighting, yelling and abuse was the way of living, I grew up thinking that, that was love, I grew up thinking that it was okay for a man to put their hands on a woman.
Excerpted from The TRUTH About Me by Gretchen Vanessa Morales Copyright © 2012 by Gretchen Vanessa Morales. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1 Life growing up!....................1
Chapter 2 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder "The Black Shadow"....................23
Chapter 3 Biography....................31
Chapter 4 Living In Regret....................63
Chapter 5 My Dis-functional "Relationship" Part 1....................71
Chapter 6 My Disappearance....................93
Chapter 7 The Media....................113
Chapter 8 My Dis-functional "Relationship" Part 2....................123
Chapter 9 Moving To Dallas....................137
Chapter 10 Finally Letting Go....................145
Chapter 11 My First True Love....................151
Chapter 12 My Life Today....................161
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Wow... what an amazing story. I only read the first Chapter and got extremely emotional. At the same time it brings me joy that this woman, made it through. She surely is an inspiration to me and I am sure she will be an inspiration to you as well. I highly recommend this book to everyone. I promise you that you will enjoy it.
Defenitely inspiring & amazing story.