Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person

Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person

by Shonda Rhimes

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Overview

Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes

The instant New York Times bestseller from the creator of Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal and executive producer of How to Get Away With Murder shares how saying YES changed her life. “As fun to read as Rhimes’s TV series are to watch” (Los Angeles Times).

She’s the creator and producer of some of the most groundbreaking and audacious shows on television today. Her iconic characters live boldly and speak their minds. So who would suspect that Shonda Rhimes is an introvert? That she hired a publicist so she could avoid public appearances? That she suffered panic attacks before media interviews?

With three children at home and three hit television shows, it was easy for Shonda to say she was simply too busy. But in truth, she was also afraid. And then, over Thanksgiving dinner, her sister muttered something that was both a wake up and a call to arms: You never say yes to anything. Shonda knew she had to embrace the challenge: for one year, she would say YES to everything that scared her.

This poignant, intimate, and hilarious memoir explores Shonda’s life before her Year of Yes—from her nerdy, book-loving childhood to her devotion to creating television characters who reflected the world she saw around her. The book chronicles her life after her Year of Yes had begun—when Shonda forced herself out of the house and onto the stage; when she learned to explore, empower, applaud, and love her truest self. Yes.

“Honest, raw, and revelatory” (The Washington Post), this wildly candid and compulsively readable book reveals how the mega talented Shonda Rhimes finally achieved badassery worthy of a Shondaland character. Best of all, she “can help motivate even the most determined homebody to get out and try something new” (Chicago Tribune).

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781476777122
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Publication date: 09/13/2016
Pages: 352
Sales rank: 12,428
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.30(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Shonda Rhimes is the critically acclaimed and award-winning creator and executive producer of the hit television series Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, and Scandal and the executive producer of How to Get Away With Murder. Her writing credits also include Princess Diaries 2: A Royal Engagement, Crossroads, and Introducing Dorothy Dandridge. Rhimes holds a BA from Dartmouth College in English Literature with Creative Writing and received her MFA from the USC School of Cinema-Television, where she was awarded the prestigious Gary Rosenberg Writing Fellowship. Rhimes was born and raised outside of Chicago, Illinois, and now runs her production company, Shondaland, from Los Angeles, where she lives with her three daughters. She is the author of Year of Yes and The Year of Yes Journal.

Read an Excerpt

Year of Yes


  • “You never say yes to anything.”

    Six startling words.

    That’s the beginning. That’s the origin of it all. My sister Delorse said six startling words and changed everything. She said six words and now, as I write this, I have become a different person.

    “You never say yes to anything.”

    She didn’t even say the six startling words. She muttered them, really. Her lips barely moving, her eyes fixed intently on the large knife in her hands as she was dicing vegetables at a furious pace, trying to beat the clock.

    yesyesyes

    It’s November 28, 2013.

    Thanksgiving Day morning. So obviously, the stakes are high.

    Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my mother’s domain. She has ruled our family holidays with flawless perfection. Food always delicious, flowers always fresh, colors coordinated. Everything perfect.

    Last year, my mother announced that she was tired of doing all the work. Yes, she made it look effortless—that did not mean it was effortless. So, still reigning supreme, my mother declared she was abdicating her throne.

    Now, this morning, is Delorse’s first time stepping up to wear the crown.

    This has made my sister intense and dangerous.

    She doesn’t even bother glancing up at me when she mutters the words. There is no time. Hungry family and friends will bear down on us in less than three hours. We have not even reached the turkey-basting segment of the cooking process. So unless my sister can kill me, cook me and serve me with stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce, I am not getting her full attention right now.

    “You never say yes to anything.”

    Delorse is the eldest child in our family. I am the youngest. Twelve years separate us; that age gap is filled by our brothers and sisters—Elnora, James, Tony and Sandie. With so many siblings between us, growing up, it was easy to feel as though the two of us existed in the same solar system but never visited each other’s planets. After all, Delorse was heading off to college as I was entering kindergarten. I have vague childhood memories of her—Delorse cornrowing my hair way too tightly, giving me a braid headache; Delorse teaching my older brothers and sisters how to do a brand-new dance called The Bump; Delorse walking down the aisle at her wedding, my sister Sandie and me behind her holding up the train of her gown, our father at her side. As a child, she was the role model of the kind of woman I was supposed to grow up to be. As an adult, she’s one of my best friends. Most of the important memories of my grown-up life include her. So I suppose it is fitting that she is here now, muttering these words at me. It is fitting that right now she’s the one both telling me who I am supposed to grow up to be and standing at the center of what will become one of the most important memories of my life.

    And this moment is important.

    She doesn’t know it. I don’t know it. Not right now. Right now this moment doesn’t feel important at all. Right now, this feels like Thanksgiving morning and she’s tired.

    She got up before dawn to call and remind me to take the twenty-one-pound turkey out of the refrigerator to settle. Then she drove the four blocks from her house to mine in order to do all the cooking for our big family dinner. It’s not quite eleven a.m. but she’s already been at it for hours. Chopping, stirring, seasoning. She’s working really hard.

    And I have been watching her.

    It’s not as bad as it sounds.

    I’m not doing nothing.

    I’m not useless.

    I’ve been handing her things when she asks. Also, I have my three-month-old daughter strapped to my chest in a baby sling and my one-and-a-half-year-old daughter on my hip. I’ve combed my eleven-year-old’s hair, turned off the TV show she was watching and forced a book into the child’s hands.

    And we’re talking. My sister and I. We’re talking. Catching up on all the things we have missed since, well . . . yesterday or maybe the day before.

    Okay. Fine. I’m talking.

    I’m talking. She’s cooking. I’m talking and talking and talking. I have a lot to tell her. I’m listing for her all of the invitations that I’ve received in the last week or so. Someone wants me to speak at this conference and someone invited me to go to that fancy party and I’ve been asked to travel to such-and-such country to meet that king or to be on a certain talk show. I list ten or eleven invitations I received. I tell her about all of them in detail.

    I will admit to you right now that I toss in a few extra juicy bits, spin a few tales, lay some track. I’m purposely boasting a little bit—I am trying to get a reaction out of my big sister. I want her to be impressed. I want her to think I’m cool.

    Look, I was raised in a great family. My parents and siblings have many wonderful qualities. They are universally pretty and smart. And like I said, they all look like fetuses. But the members of my immediate family all share one hugely disgusting criminal flaw.

    They do not give a crap about my job.

    At all.

    None of ’em.

    Not a one.

    They are frankly disturbed that anyone would be impressed by me. For any reason. People behaving toward me as though I might be vaguely interesting bewilders them deeply. They stare at one another, baffled, whenever someone treats me as anything other than what they know me to be—their deeply dorky, overly verbal, baby sister.

    Hollywood is a bizarre place. It’s easy to lose touch with reality here. But nothing keeps a person grounded like a host of siblings who, when someone requests your autograph, ask in a truly horrified tone, “Her? Shonda’s autograph? Are you sure? Shonda? No wait, really, Shonda? Shonda RHIMES? Why?”

    It’s super rude. And yet . . . think of how many bloated egos would be saved if everyone had five older brothers and sisters. They love me. A lot. But they are not gonna stand for any celebrity VIP crap from the kid in Coke-bottle glasses they all saw throw up alphabet soup all over the back porch and then slip face-first in the vomit chunks.

    Which is why right now I’m verbally tap-dancing around the room, shaking it like I’m competing for a mirror-ball trophy. I’m trying to get my sister to show any sign of being impressed, a glimmer that she might think I’m remotely cool. Trying to get a reaction from these people I’m related to, well, it has almost become a game for me. A game I believe that one day I will win.

    But not today. My sister doesn’t even bother to blink in my direction. Instead, impatient, possibly tired and likely sick of the sound of my voice going on and on about my list of fancy invitations, she cuts me off.

    “Are you going to do any of these things?”

    I pause. A little taken aback.

    “Huh?” That’s what I say. “Huh?”

    “These events. These parties, conferences, talk shows. Did you say yes to any of them?”

    I stand there for a moment. Silent. Confused.

    What is she talking about? Say yes?

    “Well. No, I mean . . . no,” I stammer, “I can’t say . . . obviously I said no. I mean, I’m busy.”

    Delorse keeps her head down. Keeps chopping.

    Later, when I think about it, I will realize she was probably not even listening to me. She was probably thinking about whether or not she had enough cheddar grated for the mac and cheese she had to make next. Or deciding how many pies to bake. Or wondering how she was going to get out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner next year. But in the moment, I don’t get that. In the moment, my sister keeping her head down? It MEANS something. In the moment, my sister keeping her head down feels purposeful.

    Deep.

    Challenging.

    Rude.

    I have to defend myself. How do I defend myself? What do I—

    At that exact moment (and this is so fortuitous I decide the universe loves me), Beckett, the sunny three-month-old baby strapped to my chest, decides to spit up a geyser of milk that runs down the front of my shirt in a creepy warm waterfall. On my hip, my prudish one-and-a-half-year-old, the moon to Beckett’s sun, wrinkles her nose.

    “I smell something, honey,” she tells me. Emerson calls everyone “honey.” As I nod at her and dab at the smelly hot milk stain, I pause. Take in the mess in my arms.

    And I have my defense.

    “Beckett! Emerson! I have babies!! And Harper! I have a tween! Tweens are delicate flowers! I can’t just go places and do things!!! I have children to take care of!”

    I holler this across the counter in my sister’s general direction.

    Wait. Speaking of taking care of stuff . . . I also have to take care of a little something called Thursday nights. Ha! I do a victory shimmy across the kitchen and point at her. Gloating.

    “I also have a job! Two jobs! Grey’s Anatomy AND Scandal! Three children and two jobs! I’m . . . busy! I am a mother! I’m a writer! I run shows!”

    Bam!

    I feel totally triumphant. I’m a mother. A mother, damn it. I have children. THREE children. And I’m running two television shows at one time. I have more than six hundred crew members depending on me for work. I’m a mother who works. I’m a working mother.

    Like . . . Beyoncé.

    Yes.

    Exactly like Beyoncé.

    I am bringing home the bacon AND frying it up in the pan. It’s not an excuse. It’s a fact. No one can argue with that. No one can argue with Beyoncé.

    But I forgot that this is Delorse.

    Delorse can argue with anyone.

    Delorse puts down her knife. She actually stops cooking and puts down her knife. Then she raises her head to look up at me. My sister, the biggest winner in our family’s genetic Powerball, is in her fifties. Late fifties. Her sons are grown men with degrees and careers. She has grandchildren. And yet I am often asked if my fifty-seven-year-old sister is my child.

    The horror of it is sometimes too much.

    So when she raises her head to look at me, she looks more like a saucy fourteen-year-old than she does my eldest sibling. Her saucy-fourteen-year-old face eyes me.

    “Shonda.”

    That’s all she says. But it’s said with such confidence . . .

    So I blurt out—

    “A single mother.”

    Now, that is shameless. You and I both know it. Because while the technical definition of “single mother” fits me—I am a mother, I am single—its cultural and colloquial meaning does not. Trying to appropriate that term as if I am a struggling mom doing my best to put food on the table makes me an ass. I know it. You know it. And unfortunately? Delorse also knows it.

    I need to put an end to the conversation. I raise an eyebrow and make my bossy face. The one I make at the office when I need everyone to stop arguing with me.

    My sister does not give a crap about my bossy face. But she picks up her knife again, goes back to chopping.

    “Wash the celery,” she tells me.

    So I wash celery. Somehow the smell of fresh celery, the motion of the washing, Emerson’s joy as she splashes the water over the counter, it all lulls me into a false sense of security.

    Which is why I am not prepared.

    I turn. Hand her the wet, clean celery. And I’m surprised when, still chopping, Delorse begins to speak.

    “You are a single mother but you are not a single mother. I live four blocks away. Sandie lives four blocks away. Your parents live forty minutes away and would love to stay with the kids. You have literally the best nanny in the world. You have three amazing best friends who would step in and help at any time. You are surrounded by family and friends who love you, people who want you to be happy. You are your own boss—your job is only as busy as you make it. But you never do anything but work. You never have any fun. You used to have so much fun. Now, all of these amazing opportunities are coming your way—once-in-a-lifetime opportunities—and you aren’t taking advantage of any of them. Why?”

    I shift, uncomfortable. For some reason, I do not like this. I don’t like anything about this conversation at all. My life is fine. My life is great. I mean, look around!

    Look!

    I’m . . . happy.

    Ish.

    I’m happyish.

    Kind of.

    Mind your own business, Delorse. You are annoying, Delorse. People aren’t supposed to Benjamin Button so your face is clearly the result of a pact with Satan, Delorse! You know what, Delorse? You smell like poop.

    But I don’t say any of that. Instead I stand there for a long time. Watching her chop. And finally, I answer. Putting just the right amount of casual arrogance in my voice.

    “Whatever.”

    And then I turn away, hoping to indicate that the conversation is over. I head over to the sitting area, where I gently settle an already napping Beckett into the bassinet. I place Emerson on the changing table for a fresh diaper. In a moment, I’ll go upstairs and try to find a spit-up-free shirt to wear for dinner. The fresh diaper is on. I put Emerson on my hip, lay her head on my shoulder, and we swing back around to face my sister as I head for the stairs. That’s when she says it. The six words.

    Mutters them. Almost under her breath.

    As she finishes chopping the onions.

    Six startling words.

    “You never say yes to anything.”

    For a single beat, time stops. Becomes a clear, frozen moment I’ll never forget. One of the paintings that will never be taken from my mental wall. My sister, in a brown hoodie, her hair in a neat knot at the nape of her neck, standing there with that knife in her hand, head down, the little pile of white onion pieces on the cutting board before her.

    She tosses the words out there.

    “You never say yes to anything.”

    Tosses the words out there like a grenade.

    You never say yes to anything.

    Then my sister slides the onions over and begins chopping the celery. I head upstairs to change my shirt. Family and friends arrive. The turkey cooks perfectly. Dinner is delicious.

    The grenade lies there in the middle of everything. Quiet. Camouflaged. I don’t think about it.

    You never say yes to anything.

    Thanksgiving Day comes and goes.

  • Reading Group Guide

    This reading group guide for Year of Yes includes an introduction, discussion questions, and ideas for enhancing your book club. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.
    .
    Introduction

    With three hit shows on television and three children at home, the uber-talented Shonda Rhimes had lots of good reasons to say NO when an unexpected invitation arrived. Hollywood party? No. Speaking engagement? No. Media appearances? No.

    And there was the side benefit of saying No for an introvert like Shonda: nothing new to fear.

    Then Shonda’s sister dropped a grenade on Shonda’s seemingly safe, happy life: “You never say yes to anything.” These words stuck in Shonda’s brain and prompted her to challenge herself: for one year, say yes to everything. Say YES to the unexpected invitations that come your way. Say YES to the things that scare you. Shonda reluctantly set out―and the results of her hard-won, yearlong journey are nothing short of transformative. In Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes chronicles the powerful impact saying yes had on every aspect of her life―and how we can all change our lives with the power of YES.

    Topics & Questions for Discussion

    1. Shonda Rhimes has spent her entire life “making stuff up” and was lucky enough to make a career doing something she loves that comes naturally to her: writing fiction. Why, then, do you think it is such a challenge for Shonda to write this book and to tell the truth about herself?

    2. Why does Shonda decide to spend a year saying yes to things that scare her? Do you think she makes the right choice? If you were in her place, would you have committed to a Year of Yes? Why or why not?

    3. Compare Shonda’s previous experiences with publicity and media appearances, such as the TCA panels or the Oprah interview when she was “a walking panic attack” (40) to her publicity experiences as the Year of Yes progresses. How does the Dartmouth commencement speech act as a turning point?

    4. How does Shonda’s sense of humor affect her experiences throughout the Year of Yes? Does it help her along the way, or does she use it as a shield?

    5. Early on in the Year of Yes, publicist Chris calls Shonda out to prove that it’s not just big talk and to hold her accountable to saying yes to publicity opportunities. Why is having a strong support network so important? How does it affect Shonda’s success and motivation?

    6. What does Shonda learn from her own characters, such as Christina Yang on Grey’s Anatomy?

    7. How does motherhood change Shonda’s priorities? How does it change her relationships with and perspective on working mothers?

    8. Saying yes began to take Shonda away from home too often, away from her children, and from sleep. How does saying yes to saying no allow the pendulum swing back to moderation? How does Shonda’s family help ground her?

    9. Shonda writes about the importance of uninterrupted time for yes, for love, for what makes us happy; with no cell phones, laundry, or growing to-do lists to get in the way. What can you do in your own life to be more present, to give your uninterrupted attention to your loved ones?

    10. How was Shonda’s relationship with food and her own body changed by saying yes?

    11. Shonda is often recognized as a trailblazer for the way she portrays diversity in her shows (which she calls just plain normal), and the stakes are often very high for Shonda as F.O.D. (First. Only. Different.) How does the pressure affect her and her pursuit of yes? Do you think she embraces her role as “trailblazer”? Why or why not?

    12. Consider this passage as Shonda reflects on the difficulty many women have with accepting a compliment: “When you negate someone’s compliment, you are telling them they are wrong. You’re telling them they wasted their time. You are questioning their taste and judgment” (193). How does saying yes change the way Shonda thinks about giving and receiving compliments? How does this affect her overall confidence?

    13. While it was difficult (okay, maybe excruciating), what does Shonda learn from her realization that she doesn’t want to get married? What would you have done in her situation? Why?

    14. Shonda writes that when she does something, she really does it and throws herself into it 100 percent. What would you do if you weren’t restricted by fear?

    Enhance Your Book Club

    1. Watch Shonda's Dartmouth speech at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuHQ6TH60_I. Watch for the moment when she exhales out her fear, then exhale out your own fear and share your best graduate-ready wisdom with your book club.

    2. Dance it out. Prepare a playlist of your favorite songs that you can’t help but dance to, and have a dance party at the end of your book club meeting. Share your favorite songs, your favorite dance moves, and dance it out together!

    3. Watch your favorite Shondaland shows with your book club. Go back to the beginning with Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Scandal, or How to Get Away with Murder.

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    Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person 4.2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 20 reviews.
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    I truly enjoyed this read I can tell because I read it within a week :) Shonda writes about topics that have been bothering me for years and I didn't know how to handle them. I just couldn't see it. So reading and now having a handful of solutions that I at least can give a try as an option for change makes me exciting. Job truly well done
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    I love this book!!!! It made me re evaluate my life choices. It seriously is one of those books that makes you sit there and think about habits that at first you might not have been aware of. I found myself saying wow I do that. Man I need to change this and or that a lot throughout the book. Mainly because I can relate to some stories Shonda speaks about because I am introverted as well. I like to keep to myself. I am guilty of distancing myself from people. Reading the book made me aware of how I portray myself because of insecurities, or because it is what we are programmed to think of ourselves because of society. Own yourself. Be thankful. Say yes more to life.
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    This book flows with all the feels just like her shows. Normally not a genre I would read but so glad I branched out. A kickass woman and a kickass read.
    Anonymous 11 months ago
    So often we don’t step out of our comfort zone and we miss out , this book explores what happens when caution is thrown to the wind and you allow yourself to live your best life.
    reader67 More than 1 year ago
    I loved this book because it was like talking with a girlfriend just about life and how we all want to be authentic in our lives. It was funny but held important lessons and was very inspiring. Shonda is a great role model for girls to emulate. Highly recommend.
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    This book is an easy read. I loved how inspiring it was. Read the book in one day. Her story hit all the key points on what saying no to difficult things can lead and how much it can impact your life. I love how open she is in her story. Highly Recommend this book
    Sandy5 10 months ago
    I needed Shonda, my dear reader. “My dear reader,” that is what Shonda called me as I listened to her novel in the car and boy, did I listen to her. I listen to her so much that, I couldn’t bring myself to take back the CD’s when they were due so I renewed the novel. I have relistened to my favorite CD’s over and over again, and now, I’ve physically bought a hardcopy of the novel. This physical copy will not be like having the CD’s and hearing her actual voice but I’ll take my post-its and mark my favorite passages so I can come back to them when I need them. I know I will need them as this novel has enlightened me, uplifted me and given me lots to laugh about. I got in the car after a rough day and popped in CD four and listened to her on my way home. I have listened to this particular CD many times so I knew what I was in for. I popped out of my car smiling and laughing. Shonda has a way of talking about swagger, badassery and life in general. In this novel, Shonda talks about not being perfect, about doing what works for you (as long as it’s legal and acceptable) and that individuals need to change their views in life. She is empowering in her statements and comments. The speeches that she reflects back to are comical and motivational. It is not all about her and her accomplishments, she wants everyone to shine, she wants everyone to learn that they are their own worse critic. Shonda talks about a variety of issues, ones that are important to most of us. I enjoyed her examples and opinions. When she talked about weight, I liked this example and I feel it can apply to many other areas of life. If I want to eat an entire cake, I have that choice. But if I choose that path, I shouldn’t be complaining about what that cake does to my body as I chose to eat the cake. I made a choice, I need to live with the results. It’s about choices, living and accepting the choices your make. I feel that her comments on motherhood were wonderful and I could relate to a lot of what she said. Motherhood is not a job, according to Shonda, it is not work, it is something that happens no matter what transpires, it’s who some individuals are. You can quit work but you cannot quit being a mother (I love this!) I have talked this book up with everyone I have met. I have to take the novel back on Friday as I promised a woman, I would hand it off so she could listen to it. I’m sad but also excited as I feel I am enabling others. Empowering them with Shonda. What a terrific novel, one that every woman should read.
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    This is a bad book
    juicedbooks More than 1 year ago
    I love Shonda Rimes. I love her book. I love the premise, which is basically: say 'yes' to every opportunity offered to me for an entire year. In the sea of memoirs by Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Lena Dunham and the like, this is my hands down favorite. Shonda Rimes makes no apologies for who she is. She gets down and dirty into her insecurity from the get go, whether that insecurity is about her appearance or her work. At the same time, she's unapologetic about her successes and celebrates herself in a fantastic way (looking at that amazing quote above.) The book gets even better if you're a fan of her shows. Knowing what's going on in her head about her characters and her plotlines is amazing. *Spoiler alert* I had no idea that she was more attached to Christina than Meredith from Grey's. The idea that Christina's life of work and success without a man is part of Shonda's personal fantasy just made her so relatable and admirable, especially because I can totally relate. When Christina left the show I also felt such a loss. In conclusion, this book is inspiring and hilarious and not cliche at all, so you should definitely read it. It's a super quick read too!
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    Great Book
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    Great Book
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    Pure divine inspiration for all hard working women doesn't matter if married or single, with or without children, this book is for all of us. To fine that precise moment that can change your life for the better you need to get uncomfortable first, as Shinya will do in this year of yes! Yes yes yes
    Book-touched More than 1 year ago
    Triumphant book — Brave and Honest “You must do the things you think you cannot do” — Eleanor Roosevelt Shonda Rhymes shares how this simple truth and an admonishment by her sister sparked a journey that brought meaning and fulfillment to her already full world. Step by painstaking step Shonda learned to say “yes” to life and face down the fears standing in her way. A triumphant book filled with laughs, truths and poignant self-discoveries that lead to life-changing realizations of pure JOY. Do yourself a favor and read this little treasure.
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    I enjoyed Shonda's interview with Oprah and was excited to read this book! I must say I was disappointed and had to make myself finish it. Loved the topic but it was the worst read I've purchased this year.
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    Fh
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    I don't think i'm curious enough to continue and find out what exactly the point is, from this drama-queen style monologue.
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago
    Amazing read
    Anonymous More than 1 year ago