You Have to Stop This (Secret Series #5)

( 481 )

Overview

The finale to the New York Times bestselling Secret Series!

I always feared this day would come. A secret is meant to stay secret, after all. And now we've come to this: the fifth and final (I swear!) book in my saga of secrets.

A class trip to the local natural history museum turns dangerous when Cass accidentally breaks a finger off a priceless mummy. This "crime" of vandalism leads her and her friends Max-Earnest and Yo-Yoji on an expedition...

See more details below
Paperback (Reprint)
$7.99
BN.com price

Pick Up In Store

Reserve and pick up in 60 minutes at your local store

Other sellers (Paperback)
  • All (29) from $2.58   
  • New (21) from $3.66   
  • Used (8) from $2.58   
You Have to Stop This (Secret Series #5)

Available on NOOK devices and apps  
  • NOOK Devices
  • NOOK HD/HD+ Tablet
  • NOOK
  • NOOK Color
  • NOOK Tablet
  • Tablet/Phone
  • NOOK for Windows 8 Tablet
  • NOOK for iOS
  • NOOK for Android
  • NOOK Kids for iPad
  • PC/Mac
  • NOOK for Windows 8
  • NOOK for PC
  • NOOK for Mac
  • NOOK Study
  • NOOK for Web

Want a NOOK? Explore Now

NOOK Book (eBook)
$6.99
BN.com price
Note: Kids' Club Eligible. See More Details.

Overview

The finale to the New York Times bestselling Secret Series!

I always feared this day would come. A secret is meant to stay secret, after all. And now we've come to this: the fifth and final (I swear!) book in my saga of secrets.

A class trip to the local natural history museum turns dangerous when Cass accidentally breaks a finger off a priceless mummy. This "crime" of vandalism leads her and her friends Max-Earnest and Yo-Yoji on an expedition into a land of majestic pyramids, dusty tombs, and the walking dead. Is it Egypt? Or somewhere much stranger...

Read More Show Less

Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble

For "security reasons," the real names of characters in You Have To Stop This have not been revealed, but we can tell you that the fifth and absolutely final episode in Pseudonymous Bosch's epic pentalogy involves a class trip to a local natural history museum that takes a most dangerous turn when a mummy with a missing finger goes missing.

Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780316076272
  • Publisher: Little, Brown Books for Young Readers
  • Publication date: 10/2/2012
  • Series: Secret Series , #5
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 347
  • Sales rank: 39,544
  • Age range: 8 - 12 Years
  • Product dimensions: 5.20 (w) x 7.60 (h) x 1.00 (d)

Meet the Author

Pseudonymous Bosch is the author of NYT bestseller The Name of This Book is Secret and it's sequels, If You're Reading This, It's Too Late and This Book is Not Good For You. His identity is a closely-guarded secret.
Read More Show Less

Read an Excerpt

You Have to Stop This


By Pseudonymous Bosch

Little, Brown Books for Young Readers

Copyright © 2011 Pseudonymous Bosch
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9780316076265

CHAPTER ONE

Pick one:

  1. A short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by…

  2. He was a dark and stormy knight.

  3. He was the best of mimes. He was the worst of mimes.

  4. This book looks lame. I’m watching TV.

  5. Run!

CHAPTER TWO

THE FURE SALE

OK, you’ve waited long enough. Let me put you out of your misery right now.

I will reveal the Secret—a secret that people have sought for centuries, for millennia even—on the very next page….

Well, maybe the next page…

The next…?

No, no, I can’t. It’s much too soon.

If I tell you the Secret now, you won’t want to read any further, will you?

I’ll do it before the end of this book.

I promise.

Maybe.

It depends on a few things.

For instance—how you look at it.

Are you really sure you want to know the Secret, anyway?

Revealing a secret is a bit like releasing air from a balloon: the secret spirals around and makes a fun noise—and if you aim right, it might even hit somebody in the nose—but afterward it always falls to the ground, and everyone is left with that sad, after-the-balloon feeling of loss and abandonment.

That doesn’t sound very satisfying, does it?

Then again, when have you known me to satisfy anything but my own cravings for chocolate?

Honestly, I don’t know why you bother to read a word I write. If you want to give up on me now, I understand completely. Never mind all the time you’ve already put in; sometimes it’s better to cut and run (see Chapter One).

Now’s your chance to escape. Don’t worry—I won’t look. I’ll just close my eyes and have a nibble of this delicious bar of dark, dark—

Hmmgh… well, maybe just one more… hmmgh

—No? You’re staying put? Stubborn, aren’t you? Or just morbidly curious?

I know, this book is like a car accident. You don’t want to stare—you just can’t help it.

If it’s any comfort, your old friend Cass is anything but satisfied at the time this story begins. She, too, is desperate to learn the Secret.

Recently, remember, she came torturously close to learning the Secret. Among the things she inherited from her ancestor, the Jester, was a fragment of papyrus with the Secret written on it in hieroglyphs. Alas, the papyrus disintegrated in front of her eyes.

Now Cass is headed for her grandfathers’ place. She has just heard that her grandfathers are selling their old firehouse, and she wants to make sure the Jester’s trunk doesn’t get lost in the move. She hopes that another clue about the Secret may lie inside the—

Oh! There she is, walking down the road to the firehouse with Max-Ernest. I didn’t realize I’d been going on for so long.

If I’m not mistaken, they are discussing the assignment they just turned in for their class’s Egypt unit: make a list of the ten things you would take with you into the afterlife. As I’m sure you know, the ancient Egyptians were very keen on keeping as many of their possessions as possible—for as long as possible.

Here, let’s listen:

“… and a giant bar of chocolate, of course, in case I get hungry in the afterlife, and a pair of underwear, because, you know,” Max-Ernest was saying. “Oh, and a deck of cards. Or do you think that’s cheating? Since there are fifty-two cards in a deck, and we’re only supposed to take ten things?”

“No, I think you can count a deck as one thing,” said Cass, walking a few feet ahead. Max-Ernest struggled to keep up.

The view couldn’t have been more familiar. The backpack. The braids. The big pointy ears. Always, always from behind. Which was very unfair, when you thought about it. He, Max-Ernest, was shorter than Cass. Rightfully, he should go first; he wouldn’t block her line of vision.

“Did the Egyptians have cards?” Cass asked casually. “It seems like hieroglyphs would make a cool deck of cards.”

Max-Ernest lit up. “That’s a great idea! I don’t think the Egyptians had them, but we could make our own cards and—”

“There are just twenty-four hieroglyphs in the Egyptian alphabet, right?” asked Cass, cutting him off. “Or are there more? I feel like I heard both things.”

Cass stopped at an intersection. Cars passed at a snail’s pace, honking their horns impatiently. It was unexpectedly busy for their quiet neighborhood.

“Well, there are twenty-four main ones. They stand in for sounds, like our letters do,” Max-Ernest explained, happy to discuss a topic that was of such passionate interest to him. “But there are thousands and thousands of others that are more like picture-words. I don’t think anybody knows how many—”

Cass’s face fell. “They don’t—?”

“Yeah, think about it—your card deck could be as big as you want,” said Max-Ernest enthusiastically.

“Oh no. That’s just what I was afraid of….”

Max-Ernest looked at Cass, confused by her sudden change of mood. “What do you mean? Why is that a bad thing?”

Cass bit her lip. She was the Secret Keeper; the Secret was supposed to be hers alone. Not to mention, it was common knowledge that Max-Ernest couldn’t keep a secret. And yet, despite his faults, he was her best friend and unflagging investigative companion. She’d been resisting for weeks, but she couldn’t help wanting to confide in him.

She looked at her friend and took the plunge. “What if I told you I got the Jester’s trunk open?”

Max-Ernest’s eyes widened. “You figured out the combination?”

Cass nodded. “And what if I told you there was a piece of papyrus inside, with writing on it?”

“With hieroglyphs, you mean? That’s why you’re asking about them?”

Cass didn’t say anything.

Max-Ernest stared at her. “Wait—this doesn’t have anything to do with the Secret, does it?”

“Shh!! What are you thinking—?!”

They both looked around. Nobody was within earshot. (You and me they couldn’t see, of course.)

“Sorry,” said Max-Ernest, red-faced.

Not mentioning the Secret aloud was one of the most important rules—almost the only rule—for members of their secret organization, the Terces Society. Normally, even the compulsively talkative Max-Ernest abided by it.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter what it was. It was so old that it turned to dust as soon as I saw it,” said Cass glumly.

“So what you’re saying is, you had the you-know-what in your hands, and then it just disappeared?” The full weight of it was sinking into Max-Ernest’s head. “That’s… that’s horrible!”

Cass sighed and started walking across the street. “I promised myself I wouldn’t tell you—”

“Don’t worry. You didn’t tell me—I guessed,” said Max-Ernest, following her. “Anyway, how could you not tell me? I’m the one who knows hieroglyphs. Can you remember any? I could translate them—”

“I know, it’s driving me crazy. It’s the one time I need your help, and I can’t ask—”

“The one time—?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. You’ve needed my help exactly six hundred and thirty-two times.”

Cass shook her head in amazement. “You’ve been counting?”

Max-Ernest shrugged off the question. “So what else was in the trunk the Jester sent you, besides the papyrus?”

“Nothing important. Just treasure.”

“You mean like treasure treasure? Gold coins and stuff?”

“Yeah, a lot, actually,” said Cass, as if it were no big deal. “I want to look again in case there are any other clues in there about… it.”

“I can’t believe you waited so long to tell me all this,” said Max-Ernest. “No wonder you’ve been acting so weird lately. You’re… rich.”

But Cass wasn’t listening; she was staring down the street, where there was a terrible traffic jam. Cars were stalled. People were shouting. Babies were crying.

“What’s going on?” she asked, her pointy ears tingling in alarm.

As they got closer to the old firehouse where Cass’s grandfathers lived, men and women and children walked by, holding boxes and bags with odd old objects peeking out: a broken banjo, a Hula Hoop, a fireplace poker, a fishing rod, several ancient computers, even a cash register.

“Maybe there’s going to be a hurricane or a flood?” suggested Max-Ernest. “Or a big fire?”

Cass, who was normally the one to predict disasters of that sort, shook her head. “Uh, I don’t think so. It’s… something worse.”

“What—nuclear war?”

“No, a garage sale,” said Cass grimly.

She was right.

Their progress slowed to a near halt as they came within view of the firehouse. The entire street was crowded with cardboard boxes and people combing through them. Tables were piled high with dusty glassware and broken ceramics and hard-to-identify appliances. Mismatched shoes and neckties of all sizes and colors flew into the air as people discarded them. Old books and magazines covered the ground like fallen leaves.

“Are your grandfathers really selling all their stuff? I can’t believe it,” said Max-Ernest.

“I know—it’s weird,” said Cass, slightly nauseated.

She stopped in front of the firehouse, where a new yellow sign had been planted. Instead of a sign for her grandfathers’ antiques store, the Fire Sale, there was now one that said

Cass stared at the sign as if it were an alien spacecraft that had landed on her grandfathers’ front steps. “My mom said they were moving, but I guess I didn’t really think about what that meant. It’s like they’re selling my childhood—”

“So where did you leave the trunk?” asked Max-Ernest, who was understandably eager to get his first view of real treasure.

He glanced around. A few trunks lay on the street, but none that looked like the ancient trunk that Cass’s ancestor had sent her so many centuries ago—and that had circled the globe so many times before reaching her.

“Huh? Oh, I hid it way in the back.” Cass started up the front steps of the firehouse. “Come on, let’s go inside before my grandfathers see us.”

But when they looked inside, the firehouse was completely empty—that is, aside from the cobwebs and dust that had accumulated behind all the boxes and shelves and tables that had, until very recently, cluttered the space.

The one familiar thing that remained: the brass fire pole, as shiny as ever. Cass swallowed, remembering all the times she had slid down it.

“Um, Cass, shouldn’t we go look outside before somebody—?”

“Don’t even think it!” said Cass, running out the door.

If they didn’t find the trunk before some lucky garage-sale customer snatched it away, Cass’s glittering inheritance—not to mention any clue it might contain about the Secret—would be lost forever.

CHAPTER THREE

THE BIG STUFF

They found Grandpa Larry standing by a table of books.

“How much is this old set?” a scowling man was asking.

“The encyclopedia? Why, it’s a classic, and it’s not for sale!” said Grandpa Larry automatically.

“Then what’s it doing out here?” the customer replied angrily.

“Fine, twist my arm, five dollars,” said Grandpa Larry grumpily.

“Eh, maybe I’ll just—”

“Oh, heck, twenty-five cents.”

“Deal!” The gleeful customer started scooping up encyclopedia volumes and tossing them into a cardboard box.

“Hey, Grandpa Larry.” Cass tugged on her grandfather’s sleeve. He was wearing a vintage Hawaiian shirt and a Panama hat—as if he were dressed for a tropical vacation.

Grandpa Larry smiled in delight. “Cass! I didn’t know you were here.”

“Well, I didn’t know you were moving!” said Cass accusatorily.

“Didn’t your mother tell you? We’re going on an around-the-world cruise.”

“Cruises are for old people. You hate all that stuff.”

“What do you mean? We are old people.”

“I still don’t understand why you have to sell everything. Aren’t you going to come back? What about my graduation?”

Grandpa Larry put his arm around Cass. “You know as well as I do, this place hasn’t been the same since Sebastian left us,” he said gently.

Cass nodded. Six weeks earlier, the ailing basset hound, who had survived long beyond the dire predictions of veterinarians, had died in his sleep. Cass, who loved Sebastian as if he were her own dog, had been unable to bring herself to visit ever since.

“All this stuff—it was bogging us down.” Grandpa Larry gestured to the piles around him. “And, besides, you know what they say: you can’t take it with you.”

While Cass tried to absorb what he was saying, Grandpa Larry turned to Max-Ernest. “Max-Ernest, my friend, anything you want, I’ll give you a great deal—it’s called free,” he whispered confidentially. “I have some joke books you’ll like. Also, a set of loaded dice—”

“Thanks, Grandpa Larry,” said Max-Ernest, wistfully eyeing the tables around him. “But right now, um, Cass has a question.”

“Oh yeah,” said Cass, who was so upset she’d all but forgotten the purpose of their visit. “Grandpa Larry, have you seen a big old trunk around—you know, the kind with a lot of travel stickers?”

Larry looked curiously at Cass. “That wasn’t yours, was it? We couldn’t remember where we picked it up. Figured it must have been one of those lost weekends in the 1970s…”

“Yeah, no, I mean, it’s not mine!” said Cass in a rush. “I was just wondering if you had a trunk like that because… because we’re doing a unit on ancient Egypt at school, and we’re supposed to put together a box of all the stuff we would take into the afterlife.”

Grandpa Larry laughed. “After you’re mummified, you mean?”

“Exactly,” said Cass.

Max-Ernest nodded, playing along. “On Friday, we’re going on a field trip to the mummy exhibit at the Natural History Museum.” (That part, at least, was true. As for the afterlife assignment, it had been turned in already.)

“Well, the trunk I’m thinking of would be perfect—it’s a time capsule all by itself,” said Grandpa Larry. “Last I saw, Grandpa Wayne was hauling it outside.”

Grandpa Wayne, who was dressed not in tropical finery but in his usual grease-stained mechanic’s overalls, was in the middle of explaining the intricacies of repairing a fifty-year-old black-and-white TV to a bored customer. When Cass and Max-Ernest ran up, the customer hurriedly—and gratefully—excused himself.

Grandpa Wayne remembered the trunk—he had spent forty-five minutes trying to open the lock before giving up—but there were so many people coming in and out that he couldn’t remember whether he’d sold it or not.

“Try looking by my truck—that’s where all the big stuff is.”

The “big stuff” lying by Wayne’s rusty old truck included such marvels as a purple player piano; a tuba with a small palm tree growing out of it; and a dry aquarium with a miniature pink castle that was home to a family of cockroaches.

Unfortunately, there was no trunk in sight. Cass and Max-Ernest looked around nervously, neither of them voicing their fears.

“What’s Sebastian’s bed doing here?” asked Max-Ernest, nodding at the threadbare doggy bed lying on the truck’s open tailgate.

Nestled on the bed was a ceramic cookie jar shaped like a bone. Next to the bed was a sign: NOT FOR SALE.

Cass bent down and sniffed Sebastian’s bed. “It smells like him.”

Max-Ernest lifted the lid of the cookie jar, then quickly closed it.

“What—moldy biscuits or something?” asked Cass.

“Something.”

“What?”

Max-Ernest wrinkled his face. “Sebastian…”

Cass winced. “You mean his ashes?”

“Unless they were just cleaning out the fireplace…”

Cass stared at the jar. “They must be taking him on the cruise.”

“The Egyptians mummified their pets all the time—it’s kind of the same thing,” said Max-Ernest. “I’ll bet there’ll be some cat mummies at the museum tomorrow. Hey, is that the trunk?”

The Jester’s trunk was lying in the shadows beneath the tailgate. Cass had resisted crying ever since they arrived at the garage sale, but at the sight of the trunk her eyes welled with tears.

“What’s wrong?” asked Max-Ernest. “Aren’t you glad we found it?”

“It’s Sebastian. He always helped us find everything. And now look, even when he’s dead, he still is.”

Cass laughed—and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

The trunk was much too heavy for the two of them to carry all the way to Cass’s house. They decided they would get their friend Yo-Yoji to help them move it later that evening. In the meantime, they pushed-pulled-heaved-shoved-lifted-dropped it into the small cement yard behind the firehouse.

“Hopefully, it’ll be safe for a few hours,” said Cass, standing victoriously over the trunk, her face pink and sweaty. “My grandfathers hardly ever come back here—as you can tell.” She gestured to the long vines hanging from the firefighters’ old basketball hoop.

“Aren’t you gonna open it?” Distressed, Max-Ernest put his hand on the trunk. The layers upon layers of travel stickers and receipts and address changes formed a crust over the surface that made the trunk slightly forbidding but all the more tempting. He couldn’t believe he’d put in all that effort and wasn’t going to be rewarded with a peek. “For all we know, this is our only chance. When we come back, it’ll be dark. And then—”

“OK, OK,” said Cass, who in truth wanted to look inside the trunk as much as Max-Ernest did. “Just don’t ask any questions about… you know. I shouldn’t have said anything about it.”

“Then how’m I supposed to help?”

“You’re not! That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

“OK, but just let me ask you one question,” said Max-Ernest. “I was thinking about the story of the doctor who discovered the… it. Remember? The pharaoh executed him—after he told the pharaoh about the you-know-what.”

Cass gave him a look that said, Yes, I remember, but no, I don’t want to talk about it.

“He’s the one who wrote on the papyrus, right?”

Cass nodded almost imperceptibly.

“Do you think the papyrus was stolen from his grave? It must have been, right? I mean, how else—?”

Cass glared at him. “Max-Ernest! Do you want me to open the trunk or not?”

“Yeah, yeah, OK.”

Equally impressed and dismayed, Max-Ernest watched Cass work the large and complex combination lock that had stymied him months earlier when they first tried to open the trunk.

When she raised the trunk’s lid, Max-Ernest gasped involuntarily.

Cass hadn’t been exaggerating. Treasure was the right word. Inside the trunk, coins and jewelry and other precious objects sparkled tantalizingly—seemingly as bright and shiny as the day the lid first closed on them.

“Wow, your great-great-great-whatever-grandmother must have been a pretty good thief.”

“Yeah, she was,” said Cass proudly. “But she gave most of her stuff to the poor. I keep thinking—there must have been a reason she and the Jester left all this for me.”

Cass started pulling things out for inspection. Max-Ernest regarded the objects with awe, almost afraid to touch them.

“At first I was going to donate it—you know, for disaster preparedness or to fight global warming or child slavery,” she said, peering into a gold candlestick to see if anything was hidden inside. “But then I thought, who’s going to believe it’s mine?”

Cass opened a small silver box and found that it was full of uncut gems. They were beautiful even in their raw state and no doubt very precious, but they didn’t provide what she really was hoping for: another clue about the Secret.

Max-Ernest turned his attention to the brass lock. He still couldn’t get over the fact that Cass had managed to open it without him. He, not Cass, was supposed to be the expert combination cracker. Was she capable of finding the Secret without him, too? Of course, he wanted her to learn the Secret; so much depended on it. And yet—

“Hey, did you see this before?” he asked, examining the back of the lock. It protruded deeper into the trunk than might have been expected—like a box stuck to the inside of the trunk.

“Why?”

“Well, I was wondering why the back of the lock was so big—and then I saw this groove here, and I’m thinking that it might—”

He gripped the back of the lock and twisted; it unscrewed like the top of a jar.

“—come off like this,” he said, now holding it in his hand.

The back of the lock turned out to be a small box lined with cracked, papery old leather. Inside was a gleaming gold ring tied to a strip of shredded linen.

“Look—I think it’s Egyptian!” said Max-Ernest. “You think it belonged to the doctor?”

“Give that to me,” said Cass quickly.

Max-Ernest reluctantly handed her the ring.

Unexpectedly heavy for its size, it was molded from solid gold and resembled a signet ring. On top was a flat gold oval inlaid with lapis lazuli, the brilliant blue stone favored by the ancient Egyptians. Some of the stone had been chipped away, but enough was left to show the original image: a long-beaked bird presented in profile in the classic Egyptian style.

When Cass saw the bird, her pointy ears tingled with excitement. “Hey, um, is there a hieroglyph that looks like this?”

“Why? Does it look like one of the hieroglyphs you saw?” Max-Ernest knew that the Secret was supposed to be Cass’s, and Cass’s alone—they had been warned repeatedly that it was dangerous for anyone else to share knowledge of the Secret—but it was impossible not to ask.

“Just answer the question.”

“I thought you didn’t want any help.”

Cass gave him a look.

“Yeah, it’s the hieroglyph of an ibis. The ibis was worshipped by the Egyptians, so you see a lot of them,” said Max-Ernest, studying Cass’s reaction. “But it isn’t always just an ibis. Sometimes it’s a symbol for Thoth—”

Cass tried to keep her facial expression neutral. “Thoth?”

“Remember from the spa? The god of magic and writing and judge of the dead?” (Years before, near the beginning of their adventures together, the god’s name had proved vital in their quest to save Benjamin Blake at the Midnight Sun Spa.) “If you think about it, that would make more sense than an ibis. The Sec—I mean, it is supposed to be about immortality, right?”

“Max-Ernest! Thanks, but that’s enough, OK?”

His mouth tightly closed, Max-Ernest contemplated this unwanted and unexpected shift in his relationship with Cass. In the past, the quest for the Secret had always brought the two of them together. Would it ever be that way again, he wondered, or would the Secret forever come between them?

Avoiding his glance, Cass examined the ring.

After the papyrus had turned to dust, Cass had the presence of mind to sketch the hieroglyphs in her notebook—but her memory was hazy, and her knowledge of hieroglyphs was scant. At best, the hieroglyphs she’d drawn bore a shaky resemblance to the originals.

During her studies for the Egypt unit, she compared her drawings over and over again to the hieroglyphs she’d seen—but with little luck. Before today, she’d succeeded in identifying only the first two of the five hieroglyphs: they meant because and what. Or she thought they did.

Now, thanks to the gold ring, she realized that the third hieroglyph depicted an ibis. She recognized the long curving beak. The rest of the bird—a football-shaped body atop stick-like legs—had been too smudged to read, at least in her recollection.

It wasn’t much, and it didn’t yet make any sense, but it was the beginning of the Secret:

Because what ibis

Or perhaps:

Because what Thoth

CHAPTER FOUR

Mummies, Middle School, and Me

GRADUATION SPEECH

First Rough Draft (Or is it rough first draft? Or first draft of rough draft? Or… you get the point.)

By Max-Ernest, aka ME, i.e., Me, Myself, and I

ASSIGNED TOPIC: The Secret of Success

TITLE: Mummies, Middle School, and Me (That’s alliteration, if you didn’t know. Of course I know! I wrote it, duh…. Wait, you did? Then who am I?)

Open with mummy joke:

Maybe—

What is a mummy’s favorite musical program?

Name That Tomb.

—or—

What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?

A lucky stiff.

—or—

What did the sign at the Egyptian funeral home say?

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR DOUBLE YOUR MUMMY BACK.

(Question: do I have to credit book I get joke from?)

Transition:

All joking aside, you might think mummies are a funny thing to talk about in a graduation speech.

Thesis:

If you really think about it, however, graduation resembles mummification in many ways. Both involve preparing for the next stage of life—or, in the case of mummies, the afterlife.

(Nice one, Max-Ernest. *Blushes* Why, thank you, Max-Ernest. Don’t mention it, Max-Ernest.)

Main Body of Speech (Ha-ha, get it? A mummy is a body—well, a dead one…):

As most people know, the mummification process begins with a corpse’s brain being pulled out of his nose.

This is a lot like learning—only in reverse. In school, our teachers put things in our brains so every student “knows” (knows/nose, get it?) everything he should. Although, to be honest, I think some teachers pull stuff out of our brains and try to make us empty “airheads.” (Probably shouldn’t put that in this speech, should I?)

Semi-random factoid: the Egyptians thought people thought with their hearts, not their brains, so you’d have to say “airheart” if you wanted to insult their intelligence—not that you would. The Egyptians were pretty smart.

Anyway, the Egyptians wanted to take everything they could with them into the afterlife: servants, animals, food. But when you graduate, you can’t necessarily take everything with you. Friends, for example. Everybody says that in upper school, sometimes people don’t even talk to their old friends. It’s like they don’t exist….

Wait. Scratch that. What does that have to do with anything? Back to mummies—

CHAPTER FIVE

A Field Trip

Max-Ernest had spent the entire bus ride to the Natural History Museum trying out mummy jokes for his graduation speech. (The opportunity to make a speech was an honor bestowed on him as Bookworm of the Year, winner of the Book-a-Day Reading Challenge; also, there was the fact that nobody else had volunteered.) By the time they neared their destination, his friends were brainstorming ways to silence him.

“Maybe we’ll find some loose mummy bandages and we can gag him with them,” suggested Yo-Yoji, who, as usual, had an entire seat to himself and was comfortably reclining with his long legs up, showing off his neon-orange sneakers.

Cass, sitting with Max-Ernest in the seat opposite Yo-Yoji, shook her head. “Nah, he would just tell jokes with his hands. Don’t forget he knows sign language.”

Max-Ernest nodded cheerfully. How many mummies does it take to change a lightbulb? he signed, mouthing the words.

“OK, so we tie his wrists together—” said Yo-Yoji, ignoring him.

“Forget it,” said Cass. “He’ll just tap Morse code with his foot.”

Max-Ernest started tapping the floor: N-O-N-E, T-H-E-Y L-I-V-E I-N E-T-E-R-N-A-L D-A-R-K-N-E-S-S.

“Then we’ll bury him in a sarcophagus,” Yo-Yoji persisted.

Cass shook her head again. “With our luck, an earthquake will push it to the surface, and he’ll jump out and tell some dumb joke about zombies—”

“Like this one?” asked Max-Ernest, grinning. “Do zombies eat hamburgers with their fingers?”

“See what I mean?”

“No, they eat their fingers separately!”

The plump boy who called himself Glob leaned over the seat in front of Max-Ernest. “Dude, zombies tell better jokes than you do—and I bet they give better graduation speeches, too.”

“Leave him alone, man,” said the boy sitting next to Glob, his voice muffled by the dreadlocks that covered his face. This was Daniel—more popularly known as Daniel-not-Danielle. “Zombies are cool. They kick mummy butt.”

“They’re not mutually exclusive categories, you know,” said Max-Ernest. “Zombie equals dead body that comes back to life. Mummy equals dead body. Ergo, mummy that comes back to life equals—”

“Silence, please!”

It was Mrs. Johnson, standing up near the front of the bus.



Continues...

Excerpted from You Have to Stop This by Pseudonymous Bosch Copyright © 2011 by Pseudonymous Bosch. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 481 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(411)

4 Star

(38)

3 Star

(10)

2 Star

(7)

1 Star

(15)

Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Noble.com Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & Noble.com that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & Noble.com does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at BN.com or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation

Reminder:

  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & Noble.com and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Noble.com Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & Noble.com reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & Noble.com also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on BN.com. It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

 
Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously
See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 484 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 21, 2011

    MAKE ANOTHER!!!!!

    I read th whole series a its awsome!!!!!!!!!!!

    psuedonymous pbpbpbpbpbpb
    Bosch bosch pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch bosch pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch bosch pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch bosch pbpbppbpbpbpb
    Bosch bosch pbpbpbpbpbpbp
    Psuedonymo pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch pbpbp pbpbpb
    Bosch pbpbpbpbpbpb

    29 out of 36 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 11, 2012

    Awesomest books ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Ive never read a book so adventurous, funny, realtive, awesome, clever, smart, funny, non-stop-reading book, and once again funny. This book is really realative. And the suspense will just kill you. Everyone in my school knows that i am obbsessed with reading. And they also now that i think(and know) that these r the best books in the world. I cant explain it!!!! These books have actually changed my life.

    19 out of 20 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted September 13, 2011

    I Also Recommend:

    can't wait

    the secret series is awesome. I can't wait to read more. The last one was so good.

    18 out of 20 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 28, 2012

    my favorite book

    this was truely the best book of the 5. i cried at the end, because even though they are book characters, i fealt i knew them. and i think yo-yoji and cass are totally cute. as for the secret, it was kind of confusing. but i guess it makes sense if you think about it. and at the end if you are smart at all, youll know who the author is. i figured it out at the beginning. it was a veryyyyyy good book and i recomend it if you have read (and remember) the other 4 book (:

    14 out of 14 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted April 9, 2011

    Must get it!!!!!

    I cannot wait for this book to come out!!!!!!!!!! PB is my third favorite author ever and I love his books!!!! They are all very funny and adventurous books that everyone will love!!!!!

    14 out of 21 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 19, 2012

    Pseudonymous rox!

    I read this whole series in a week....these books are GREAT! I recomend it for everyone who loves mysteries......and SSHHHHH...... there is a great secret involved!

    11 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted September 12, 2011

    No way!!!!!!!!!! Its another one!!!!!!!!!!

    Ive read all the secret series books and im half way through the fourth one and loving it!!!!!!! I cant beleive that they're coming out with a fifth one!!!!!!!!!"! I cant wait!!!!!!!! I would reccomend this series to EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    11 out of 14 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 10, 2012

    omg!! you must buy it!

    i have read the other 4 books. they are literally the best things in the world. when my mom told me i could buy it, i did a dance and rushed into my room and just had a party. i have never been as excited about anything else as i have this. these books are SO good, that i am legit crying right now because im getting this book. yes, tears are falling down my face. if you are thinking about getting this book, you should probably read the first 4 or else you will be completely lost. but anyway i am so excited! i will probably finish it in like 2 days..!!

    7 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 2, 2011

    Another AMAZING book by P. Bosch!!!!

    The last book in the series is phenomenal! Very well written and in the same kind of writing style that is so looked forward to from P. Bosch!
    Catching story leading right from the last book.
    And about the secret . . . well, i obviously can't tell you that so . . .

    6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 10, 2011

    Excited!!!!

    I can NOT wait for this book to come out!!!!!!! i have read almost all of the books in this series. I am reading "This is Not What it Looks Like" and so far it is really good! I am extremely excited for this book!!!!!!! I am goin to get it as SOON as it comes out! I would recommend this book to EVERYONE!!!!!!! Love it!!!!

    6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 12, 2012

    Love it <3

    I read all five books in 1 week. I could not put it down. I so badly want there to be another seris by this author. He knows how to make mysterious books. So happy I found this seris!!

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted September 19, 2011

    Tcby

    I love tcby it has the best frozen yogurt ever

    4 out of 9 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 31, 2011

    Come on, Max-Ernest, write another amazing book in the secret series, the best series EVER!

    If you don't know what I mean, read book 4. The secret series is AWESOME!

    4 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 30, 2012

    The number of series 5

    The first serie is The name if the book is secret. The second one is If you are reading this,its too late. The third serie is This book is not good for you. The fourth is This isnt whatit looks like. The 5th oneis the one you are currently reading. Hope this helps!

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 30, 2012

    Ending?

    Im not sure whether to get this book! Its sort of expensive and some people said it had a bad ending. I read the rest of the series but im not sure if I should finish it.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 30, 2012

    Secret series

    I love this series it isamazing it is by fatlr the best series in the world i cant believe its over

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 27, 2012

    Best book ever

    Loved it sooo good

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 1, 2012

    Fantastic!!

    Though it did leave a few strings, the plot and ending was very good! Other than the fact that rather than destroying the Midnight Sun, Ms. M and Amber still exist and are still searching for the S***** (if you know what I mean; shhhhhh!) And it's kind of dissapointing that nobody knows what Cass, Yo-Yoji and M.E. did later on in life (well, we sorta know what M.E. did. And I really wanted to know what happened between Cass and Yo-Yoji...) the book is a good way to end it, and still have a way to pick up with a sequel series (even though that probably won't happen)

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 12, 2012

    Anonymous36pj

    I haven't read the book yet but i have read some of the reviews and they say that the secret is stupid so let's just read the book for once and try to UNDERSTAND the secret already!!!!

    3 out of 9 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 16, 2012

    I have not read this book .YET!!!!!!!!!!

    I hope to get this book on my nook . I hope they have it on ar .u guys are all right they are fanaminal books!!!!!!!

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 484 Customer Reviews

If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
Why is this product inappropriate?
Comments (optional)